Had an amazing date... really want to go out with him again

[Shining One]

Well ... to be fair, she is practically obsessed with this guy, blows up his phone, etc. I believe you are off track thinking that she hasn't done enough to make something happen with him, from her threads it really sounds like she is 100% available and jumping desperately on any crumb he accidentally drops.

I think she is giving a lot, emotionally. Just because she cancelled dates during their months long online correspondence and doesn't plan dates doesn't mean she's not crazy about him, and showing it. I'm sure he knows this very well.

Fair enough. At this stage of dating, I don't value emotion nearly as much as action and effort. We don't know the guy in question, so we don't know what he values.

[Shining One]

And the gift was more than generous and thoughtful for having had only three dates, two of which weren't even real dates!

We're just going to have to disagree on this. I certainly would prefer an "amazing" (OP's words) home-cooked meal over an 8GB flash drive.

[angel.eyes]

OP, I'm going to repost my prediction BEFORE your second date. I really hope that you realize that this is going nowhere that you want. Please look elsewhere for someone. The path you are on with this guy is a dead end to booty call land. There is no GF/relationship at the end of this rainbow.

 

...

 

Don't come back complaining that your dates have devolved into hanging out at his and watching Netflix...when he can spare a moment to see you.

 

The bigger issue is this guy is making zero time to date you. If the choices are to date him at home this Friday or not see him until end of March(i.e. six weeks:eek:), I'm sorry, but I would pass and find another guy who was actually interested in seeing me and potentially building a relationship with me. This guy barely sees you as an option if he's okay with waiting that long. Why would you make him a priority?

[katiegrl]

Fair enough. At this stage of dating, I don't value emotion nearly as much as action and effort. We don't know the guy in question, so we don't know what he values.

 

Being that men are naturally action-oriented, I don't know many men who would fault a woman for not putting forth the same amount of action-oriented effort as he during those very early dates.

 

Men pursue, women respond during those very early dates .....speaking personally my bf never expected me to pursue him or put forth the same amount of action/effort during those early dates (first 3-4).

 

All he expected and needed was for me to respond positively to *his* pursuit, which I did and then some! Made him feel like a freaking King ...which again is all he expected and needed.

 

He actually enjoyed pursuing and giving, because he knew what the end result would be.

 

Me learning to trust him and fall hard for him, and demonstrating that via my strong positive response to him.

 

After the third date, I believe I began reciprocating action wise. Initiating, planning some of our dates, etc.

 

To each his own I guess SO. But it sounds like you expect women to *act* more like men in the beginning ...putting forth the same amount of action-oriented effort, etc.

 

Which is fine. Whatever works.

Edited February 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[xpaperxcutx]

Hi guys,

 

I'm gonna try to answer everyone although since I'm on a Galaxy S3 its gonna be a little impossible for me to quote everyone.

 

I just want to clarify that me cancelling him wasn't intentional. So many things happened at the time- in a way I wasn't ready and family gatherings kept popping up (I'm asian so it was kind of important to meet my elders). He was understanding and he never pushed for us to meet right away.

 

See, I've been so out of the loop in regards to dating I do have a wall up about him. At least in the beginning, but because we talked, texted everyday since giving each other's numbers, I grew attached. I even broke my restrictions on texting at work. I think he could tell I liked him since I made it known to him. Does he like me? Yes but not enough for a title I guess. I'd put my heart on my sleeves.

 

For those who said I didn'tput in any effort, I didnt mention thatwhen he had cooked me dinner, I got him croissant donuts from a korean bakery. We had a little joke that he never tried it before so I surprised with that. Additionally that usb gift was a customized sandisk flash drive that lights up in his favorite color (red) and it cost me almost $40 to get it made and shipped from Latvia.

 

I appreciated his dinner since he madethe effort to cook for me after a long day of work. I actually had a date with a guy who took me to Manhattan for dinner, but for John to cook for me, I'd actually enjoyed it more.

 

I met up with one of my closest friends today and he told me a guy who doesn't know why he is dating especially if he isn't marriage-minded is almost similarvto a guy cheating. Well John doesn't know why he is dating me; he simply is. But it's not enough to warrant a title or even for me to meet people in his life. I can't forget how many times in the past something similar happened to me. I mert a guy and end up giving up sec before a title. This time I wasnt willing to do that.

 

Im not young and naive. I am 26 and I was hurt in the past and I just want to be able to opem up myself to other people. My friend says Im not ready and I guess with how things turned out, I guess i should be glad thst I didnt have sex with him

 

I appreciated his dinner and him driving to pick me up and also to drive me home. I am someone who is appreciativevof the small things thst people do for me. I made thst known to him and if I'm not someone he sees long term with, then I can respect that also. Yes Im disappointed but at least I didnt get hurt. I do like him as a person.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OP I can't help but be a little disturbed by the importance you place on a "title." You mention it over and over. A guy can call you his "girlfriend" and still ignore you, keep you on the back burner and not prioritize you exactly like this guy is doing. Don't be so focussed on having a "title," instead I think you should pay attention to what's actually going on between you and the guy.

 

A title is not what's missing here. I hope you are ready to move on 100%.

[KatZee]

Yes, exactly.

 

A title should not be an end goal. You can have a "title" and still be a placeholder. You need to go by his actions 100%, and a man who is genuine, really likes YOU and is progressing things, is going to be obvious, and you're going to get that title without you even pushing or asking about it.

 

But if you're in this weird stagnant, "not sure what's going on" situation, don't push for a title or think that once you have this title, all of a sudden you're a top priority. If you're low priority before a title, you'll be low priority with a title.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes, exactly.

 

A title should not be an end goal. You can have a "title" and still be a placeholder. You need to go by his actions 100%, and a man who is genuine, really likes YOU and is progressing things, is going to be obvious, and you're going to get that title without you even pushing or asking about it.

 

But if you're in this weird stagnant, "not sure what's going on" situation, don't push for a title or think that once you have this title, all of a sudden you're a top priority. If you're low priority before a title, you'll be low priority with a title.

Your post really woke me up. The thing is if he doesnt want anything long term with me then why is he wasting time with me?

 

I know he is busy with work right now. These past few days there's been a lack of contact but he still texts me in between lunch to tell me how busy he is.

 

I should always be wary of a guy through his actions and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that because of his work right now he cant worry about pursuing a relationship with me.

[edgygirl]

Haven't read all the posts yet, but you're obviously not a woman dating in US big cities...

 

YES. That's reality unfortunately in 95% of the cases.

 

I'm usually on board with your advice but I have to disagree here. I think this forum and some of the threads in it have created an overall pessimistic and negative view about men's motives and what we want based on the nature of a date/text/initiative frequency.

 

I'm surprised that most women here aren't blown away thinking that this guy is doing something out of the box and very sweet by inviting this girl over and preparing a meal for her at his house. Especially on/around his birthday. I think that shows he's interested in her and would prefer an evening with her as opposed to going out and doing something typically done on bdays or 2nd dates.

 

This idea that a woman can't go to a guys house or have him over because it implies that sex is going to occur is absurd. Believe it or not most men aren't going to force themselves on a girl just because she comes over for dinner.

"But you came over my house, I cooked for you... You're supposed to have sex with me now!!" .... Cmon, please that's not reality.

 

She doesn't need to explain anything about her intentions or what she's ready for. She can go over for dinner, talk, have a good time and enjoy his company, kiss him if she wants, then when it's time to leave, she can say goodnight. If he acts dissapointed, so what, that's how he's supposed to act. Of course he would want to have sex I'm assuming... But the whole night isn't planned and geared around it. If it doesn't happen he's not going to throw a fit or feel mislead.

 

He's inviting her over and doing a very "boyfriendy " move by making dinner. I think he deserves some credit. The op can decide for herself. Just my personal opinion on it.

Edited March 2, 2016 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

Men don't see meetings that eventually lead them to getting laid as "wasting time".

 

Not saying this is the case with your guy, but... you clearly have to hang out at loveshack a little more to understand how men think.

 

The thing is if he doesnt want anything long term with me then why is he wasting time with me?

[xpaperxcutx]

Men don't see meetings that eventually lead them to getting laid as "wasting time".

 

Not saying this is the case with your guy, but... you clearly have to hang out at loveshack a little more to understand how men think.

 

I've been an LS member since 2007. I think I know how men think already.

 

I know when a guy is wasting my time or not. But he has been so responsive and receptive.

 

 

Like today, he has been working OT until 11pm, but he still texted me to let me when he was leaving work.

 

 

I know he wants to have sex with me, but I'm not a booty call. If it wasn't tax season I'm sure he will ask me out again. I remember we spoke that he will be busy until end of March.

 

 

The thing is I have no title, but he is texting me daily at least more than once to let me know how he is doing. I'm not pushing to be his girlfriend, although the idea would be great. I'm trying to hold myself together so I don't overthink.

 

 

Like, if he was after a booty call, wouldn't he have moved on already to find another girl who would make it easier for him to bed?

 

And then, who was the person who texted him at 2am in the morning while I was sleeping over? Was it a girl?

 

I don't have answers but I know that I'm not doing myself any good by overthinking things either.

[edgygirl]

The thing is he doesn't seem to be acting as if he wanted to be your boyfriend. It's not about the title (although you do seem a little obsessed about it, being that it's way too early for that kind of thing) - the title is a natural consequence of courtship.

 

Tax season or not, one of the last guys I dated was a lawyer who worked 10am to midnight minimum, and always made time to date.

 

Do you feel he's courting you? Can you really say that? It doesn't look like it here from the outside.

 

You are overthinking... but (unless you're the nutty kind) usually we overthink when we sense something is not quite right. Maybe deep down you feel he's not making the effort he should be making?

 

You've been on only a few dates... not sure why you assume he should be thinking about making you his girlfriend. Is that how it works in the area you live? Certainly not the case in my area. I know some women demand being in a relationship before having sex, but does it make sense in your cultural context? Things only you can answer.

 

I know he wants to have sex with me, but I'm not a booty call. If it wasn't tax season I'm sure he will ask me out again. I remember we spoke that he will be busy until end of March.

 

 

The thing is I have no title, but he is texting me daily at least more than once to let me know how he is doing. I'm not pushing to be his girlfriend, although the idea would be great. I'm trying to hold myself together so I don't overthink.

 

 

Like, if he was after a booty call, wouldn't he have moved on already to find another girl who would make it easier for him to bed?

 

And then, who was the person who texted him at 2am in the morning while I was sleeping over? Was it a girl?

 

I don't have answers but I know that I'm not doing myself any good by overthinking things either.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

The thing is I have no title,

What is the obsession with a "title"??? :confused: I honestly don't get it. He has made no sign of courting you. He is too busy for you but not for housewarming parties and interior decorating. Why weren't you invited to his housewarmings anyway? Or for Chinese New Year celebrations? If you had the "title" you covet so much this would still be a completely unsatisfactory relationship and you shouldn't be in it! He seems lukewarm at best.

 

Oh well I kind of need to give up because I feel like I'm harshing on you. :( It's just hard when someone posts all the exact reasons why something is not going to work - gets all the feedback that it's clearly not going to work - and then to watch them just walk right into unhappiness. Sorry.

[xpaperxcutx]

The thing is he doesn't seem to be acting as if he wanted to be your boyfriend. It's not about the title (although you do seem a little obsessed about it, being that it's way too early for that kind of thing) - the title is a natural consequence of courtship.

 

Tax season or not, one of the last guys I dated was a lawyer who worked 10am to midnight minimum, and always made time to date.

 

Do you feel he's courting you? Can you really say that? It doesn't look like it here from the outside.

 

You are overthinking... but (unless you're the nutty kind) usually we overthink when we sense something is not quite right. Maybe deep down you feel he's not making the effort he should be making?

 

You've been on only a few dates... not sure why you assume he should be thinking about making you his girlfriend. Is that how it works in the area you live? Certainly not the case in my area. I know some women demand being in a relationship before having sex, but does it make sense in your cultural context? Things only you can answer.

 

The bolded. Sometimes I feel like he is and sometimes I feel like he isn't. Unless he considers me a friend, because he always contacts me when I don't contact him. The past two days he would hit me up and let me know he was busy. So would a normal guy do that?

 

 

I'm nutty because I like him and I haven't had such feelings for a guy since my ex.

 

 

I don't want to have sex outside of a relationship. I'm not easy. And usually by 2-3 dates a guy would ask me to be his girlfriend. He hasn't. So if he isn't looking to date me exclusively, I don't want to waste my time and invest more feelings into this.

[xpaperxcutx]

What is the obsession with a "title"??? :confused: I honestly don't get it. He has made no sign of courting you. He is too busy for you but not for housewarming parties and interior decorating. Why weren't you invited to his housewarmings anyway? Or for Chinese New Year celebrations? If you had the "title" you covet so much this would still be a completely unsatisfactory relationship and you shouldn't be in it! He seems lukewarm at best.

 

Oh well I kind of need to give up because I feel like I'm harshing on you. :( It's just hard when someone posts all the exact reasons why something is not going to work - gets all the feedback that it's clearly not going to work - and then to watch them just walk right into unhappiness. Sorry.

 

Because his housewarming parties were for close friends and family? Because Chinese New Year is about being with family?

 

 

I didn't meet him before Chinese New Year so it would've been weird to meet him for Chinese New Year.

 

 

A title is important because if my intentions are to date exclusively but he isn't, then I really don't want to waste time.

 

 

And I really don't want to walk right into unhappiness. My last relationship with my ex was hell. I am seriously looking for happiness with someone who sees me as long-term.

[xpaperxcutx]

And you guys are all telling me to not worry about a title but there are threads on LS where the girl has been with the guy for more than 3 months and the guy still isn't ready to make it exclusive with them.

 

 

No girl would want to waste their time with a guy who doesn't value them enough to make her his girlfriend.

[edgygirl]

I get it, it's hard to meet someone we like, but don't let your feelings cloud your judgement.

 

Look, if you are solely looking for an official (and with title!) relationship, perhaps you should let him know? Men are usually weary to hear this, but if it's so important for you, maybe it's a good idea to put it out there.

 

And maybe it makes sense in your culture / area?

 

The bolded. Sometimes I feel like he is and sometimes I feel like he isn't. Unless he considers me a friend, because he always contacts me when I don't contact him. The past two days he would hit me up and let me know he was busy. So would a normal guy do that?

 

I'm nutty because I like him and I haven't had such feelings for a guy since my ex.

 

I don't want to have sex outside of a relationship. I'm not easy. And usually by 2-3 dates a guy would ask me to be his girlfriend. He hasn't. So if he isn't looking to date me exclusively, I don't want to waste my time and invest more feelings into this.

 

Are you both Chinese? I am not, so your statement below stroke me as if you were from a specific culture, with certain social expectations, such as being in an official relationship, etc. Maybe understanding the context would help us here.

 

Because his housewarming parties were for close friends and family? Because Chinese New Year is about being with family?

I didn't meet him before Chinese New Year so it would've been weird to meet him for Chinese New Year.

 

A title is important because if my intentions are to date exclusively but he isn't, then I really don't want to waste time.

 

And I really don't want to walk right into unhappiness. My last relationship with my ex was hell. I am seriously looking for happiness with someone who sees me as long-term.

[frus69]

Havent been following this thread so not sure how long you have been dating and how often you see each other.

 

 

My friend was dating an accountant who was super busy and he was seeing her from once a week to once a fortnight to once a month. But he'd always text her to check up on her, and tell her he's still working at 1am. Oh and she has the title.

 

 

They went on like this for a year and finally ,my friend broke up with him last Xmas because he didn't take her to meet his family, nor to his Xmas trip.

 

 

Give him 3 months and if he doesn't step up, drop him.

[SwordofFlame]

I'm also a young asian american professional in NYC that also works a lot of hours. I still do my best to make time to date though. There's no way I would make a girl my girlfriend after just three dates. Exclusive maybe, girlfriend no. Exclusivity and sex go hand in hand.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm also a young asian american professional in NYC that also works a lot of hours. I still do my best to make time to date though. There's no way I would make a girl my girlfriend after just three dates. Exclusive maybe, girlfriend no. Exclusivity and sex go hand in hand.

 

Exclusivity to me means I'm not talking or dating anyone else. It doesn't mean that I want to sleep with you so early on.

[xpaperxcutx]

I get it, it's hard to meet someone we like, but don't let your feelings cloud your judgement.

 

Look, if you are solely looking for an official (and with title!) relationship, perhaps you should let him know? Men are usually weary to hear this, but if it's so important for you, maybe it's a good idea to put it out there.

 

And maybe it makes sense in your culture / area?

 

 

 

Are you both Chinese? I am not, so your statement below stroke me as if you were from a specific culture, with certain social expectations, such as being in an official relationship, etc. Maybe understanding the context would help us here.

 

 

 

We are both Chinese. But I have dated outside my race before. My dating style has really changed from my early 20s. I am looking for something serious and I don't want to be casually dating others. If I'm not dating someone who wants the same things as me then I would rather stay single.

 

I thought he was the same, but it seems like his work schedule has pushed the prospect of something to the side.

[xpaperxcutx]

Red flag-

-Texted me about masturbation this morning

 

 

Im done. This guy isn't serious about me. And there is this nagging feeling that he probably met someone else.

[KatZee]

I've been an LS member since 2007. I think I know how men think already.

I know when a guy is wasting my time or not. But he has been so responsive and receptive.

 

 

Based on ONLY this thread alone, the fact that you think you know how men think, and when they are or aren't wasting your time, shows you really don't know much about guys at all.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this to show you that you are on the road to being fooled and played just like every other naive, insecure, basic woman.

 

Like today, he has been working OT until 11pm, but he still texted me to let me when he was leaving work.

 

Yeah, and? What exactly does this prove to you? He shot you off a text that took him all of 5 milliseconds. Who cares. This isn't anything. This isn't an indicator of his interest at all. It's meant to keep him on your radar. Little crumbs. At what point during that text did he ask to take you out on a real date? Oh, he didn't?

 

 

I know he wants to have sex with me, but I'm not a booty call. If it wasn't tax season I'm sure he will ask me out again. I remember we spoke that he will be busy until end of March.

 

Of course he does. He's a dude, and you're a new vag. He wants to conquer that with the least amount of work, because he's NOT looking to make you a girlfriend. Lame, weak nights of watching Daredevil at his house isn't indicative of him treating you like you're a Queen. That's bare bones "effort." Not a date. Lazy, and you shouldn't have gone once, let alone multiple times.

 

Tax season???? Are you seriously making excuses for this guy not seeing you because it's tax season? Do you know how quick someone can bang out their taxes? One afternoon. Busy till the end of March huh?? :lmao::lmao: If you think "busy" means anything other than him getting up on other women, you're kidding yourself.

 

 

The thing is I have no title, but he is texting me daily at least more than once to let me know how he is doing. I'm not pushing to be his girlfriend, although the idea would be great. I'm trying to hold myself together so I don't overthink.

 

And you won't ever get a title from this guy. Again, what's with the importance of his texts to you? Oh he lets you know how he's doing? That's cute. Who actually cares? What is texting? Impersonal, no connecting face to face. You're a puppet on a string.

 

 

Like, if he was after a booty call, wouldn't he have moved on already to find another girl who would make it easier for him to bed?

 

Again, "busy" until the end of March. You can't be this naive.

 

And then, who was the person who texted him at 2am in the morning while I was sleeping over? Was it a girl?

 

Would bet my life on it. He's a player. And a painfully obvious one as well. You're falling for it like a dumb chick.

 

READ THE BOOK I POSTED.

Edited March 4, 2016 by KatZee