dreamingoftigers Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Standard responses from WW's and Cheating GF's: You don't have anything to worry about he's gay They go on the defensive and lash out at the BH/BF getting upset at what happened Just so you know, I am no cheater. BUT I also didn't want to make a big thing out of it. If it became a regularly attempted thing that would have been different. But I think that it really wasn't the big deal it's being made out to be. Nor an attempt to go straight. I did actually tell my bf at the time and he laughed at me actually. (He knew my friend). I wanted him to know I hadn't been disloyal to him and his response was something akin to "well, it wouldn't have been a very enjoyable disloyalty for very long." No threat there. So does OP feel his relationship under threat here or that the gay guy is reversing his direction towards the closet? Because let's say that the guy is actually straight, pretending to be gay.......that isn't really much of a pickup line for anything beyond an inappropriate kiss. I guess that the gf is getting solidly blamed for the guy kissing her because according to guys on here "her reaction to it is WRONG." She did not continue the kiss, prolong the kiss, ask for another or try to sleep with the guy. From what I read (and that's ALL we have) some guy kissed her that is not pursuing her in any other way and she's solidly getting the blame here.
kgcolonel Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Seriously the DUDe was not gay, kiss not sexualized, they were not all over each other, because you believe her with out proof. Seriously what would of been wrong with this GF as soon as the kiss ended she hauled off and slapped that smile off of the gay Dude's face. A little scene would of sent the message to the men in that bar to keep their hands and lips where they belong. It would of left her not having to be defensive with her BF. That reaction from her would of removed all doubts about her behavior that night. And when asking her bestfriend what happened. Would of made no need for her bestfriend to worry about getting her in trouble with her answer to the OP. This is exactly what I questioned as well....how do you know if indeed the guy is gay??? That doesn't make it okay even if he is....it's not excuseable and likely could be considered assault. The fact that the OP's GF's girlfiriend conferred with the GF causes suspicion here.....If the OP says there's little chance they will see each other again....how did the GF know the GG was gay? 1
kgcolonel Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 This below is the detail that would most concern me....coupled with the fact that GF's companion went back to the GF after OP asked her....GF got defensive, sounds like the GF doesn't really know the GG that well but knew "he was totally gay". I don't see this as the GG was pretending anything but actually is straight and the GF was concerned that OP might hear about this encounter from a third party and thus see it for what it was....kissing another guy while out with her friend. If my wife or hypothetical GF were to be grabbed and kissed by a random guy, gay or straight, I'd expect a reaction.... To answer OP's question, you are definitely fine with what you feel. I would not feel comfortable that this advance was as unwanted as it appears or that it was as innocent on her part as the picture she is painting. JMO for what it's worth. Because let's say that the guy is actually straight, pretending to be gay.......that isn't really much of a pickup line for anything beyond an inappropriate kiss. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 What will happen if you changed you mind and wish you had kissed less people? Not gonna happen. It's not like I can give my FIL a shove, don't wanna break his hip! Worst case scenario, I die with a cold sore on my lip. My plan is cremation, so it's a moot point. But thanks for your concern! 2
road Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Just so you know, I am no cheater. Never said your were. Never thought your were. However, being you are now protesting to much I think you may be guilty.
preraph Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Well, I mean, it depends on the kiss. Admittedly, him turning her around and laying one on her sounds out of bounds. But if it was him kissing her very quickly on the lips at the end of the night, well, yes, gay guy friends of mine have done that before and it meant nothing. Was like kissing their sister. I think you need to ask her for exactly what led up to that. Also, you cannot discount the possibility that he may be a gay guy who is after his straight male friend. I mean, how does she know he's gay? If he is gay, he could be hiding it from the straight friend so the straight friend doesn't dump him, and that would explain the kiss, too. If she thinks it was anything other than just a sisterly kiss, then it was out of bounds, but she's the one who was there, so it's her call.
Karine26 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I haven't read all of the replies so you may have updated the story and added more info but from what your Original posts states I don't think it is anything you should be concerned about. I live in Los Angeles, I have tons of gay friends and often hang out in West Hollywood which is like one of the "gay" capitols of the county lol and that is just how many gay guys show love and appreciation. Is it different and sometimes awkward? Yes. Especially when I first moved here from a small town where my gay friends weren't even able to admit they were gay for fear of being ostracized. When we go out in West Hollywood random gay guys seriously come up to me and give me kisses while telling me they like my outfit or shoes lol Yea as I soberly sit here and think about it, it may not be the most sanitary thing to do but when drunk and in the moment it seems ok. I have been going there for 7 years and I'm still alive so....its not the worst thing in the world. At least she knows this guy. You said they were drinking. Some of my good gay friends do kiss me on the mouth and sometimes aggressively when drunk but it is not a sexual way at all. I hope this helps you out some 2
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I don't see how it would benefit a straight man to pretend to be gay. Seems like a dumb way to try and pick up girls. 4
kgcolonel Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I don't think the straight guy was pretending....I think that was the story the GF gave OP...to cover her tracks and lower the suspicious behavior
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I don't think the straight guy was pretending....I think that was the story the GF gave OP...to cover her tracks and lower the suspicious behavior If his gf is kissing a non-gay gay guy, then why is she telling her bf? That also doesn't make sense to me. If she's cheating, or kissing guys behind her bf's back, why would she tell him?? Like, DUH!? He wasn't there, yet she volunteered the information. To me, that's not the action of a guilty person. 1
kgcolonel Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 She's telling him about this event (falsely gay guy) so that if he found out about it from another source he'd think "I know all about it, the guy is gay". Basic tactic to cover her tracks. 1
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 She's telling him about this event (falsely gay guy) so that if he found out about it from another source he'd think "I know all about it, the guy is gay". Basic tactic to cover her tracks. I personally think you're reading way too much into this. 2
Poutrew Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Seriously, this sounds like the *perfect* excuse. GF goes out to bars with her female posse for a night of flirting and such. If there is a chance the BF is going to find out, say someone the BF knows is at the bar and sees her cheating, she goes into damage control mode by saying that a GG kissed her, but it was no big deal because he is 'totally gay'. BF is supposed to believe this tripe and GF gets away with bad behavior. Also, it is a great way to explain the sudden appearance of herpes sores on her face a few weeks later - "well, the only thing I can think of is that the GG who kissed me last month had herpes...now let's just rugsweep this entire bad dream into insignificance." Of course, it wont also explain the genital herpes sores... 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 If his gf is kissing a non-gay gay guy, then why is she telling her bf? That also doesn't make sense to me. If she's cheating, or kissing guys behind her bf's back, why would she tell him?? Like, DUH!? He wasn't there, yet she volunteered the information. To me, that's not the action of a guilty person. My same points Seriously, women have chimed in saying that gsy guys do this.we aren't going to slap them. It isn't threatening, even if it isn't really welcome. But seriously. Now there's a conspiracy theory to cheat, by kissing straight guys, pretending they are gay and then telling your bf about it? What's more likely? That a gay guy did what a gay guy does according to women who hang out with them OR this is a deep-seated conspiracy to switch a guy's orientation to make a flimsy excuse to get a kiss in a bar? I guess it depends what kind of person you think you are dating. Is she really THAT shady, just BECAUSE. OR was it exactly what it appears to be? If OP believes the conspiracy theory, perhaps he should break up with her so she can go find a mentally healthy guy who isn't so paranoid.
SunnyWeather Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Lot of gay guys are a bit "theatrical" and like to shock and nothing more shocking than for a gay guy to spin a girl round and kiss her on the mouth totally unexpectedly. Its a prank, and the way some are acting on here about it is ridiculous. If she had then spent the next hour kissing the guy, it would be understandable to get hot and bothered, but otherwise... Forget it. this ^ If she has a pattern of deception or with making out with other guys (or girls?) than I'd understand the concern, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe the best 'advice' here would be to lighten up and relish in the fact your GF is admired by gay men (a pretty big complement, imo) 2
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 My same points Seriously, women have chimed in saying that gsy guys do this.we aren't going to slap them. It isn't threatening, even if it isn't really welcome. But seriously. Now there's a conspiracy theory to cheat, by kissing straight guys, pretending they are gay and then telling your bf about it? What's more likely? That a gay guy did what a gay guy does according to women who hang out with them OR this is a deep-seated conspiracy to switch a guy's orientation to make a flimsy excuse to get a kiss in a bar? I guess it depends what kind of person you think you are dating. Is she really THAT shady, just BECAUSE. OR was it exactly what it appears to be? If OP believes the conspiracy theory, perhaps he should break up with her so she can go find a mentally healthy guy who isn't so paranoid. OP's initial post didn't sound like he's worried about some kind of indiscretion, though. That theory's come up thanks to subsequent posters. OP seems bothered by the whole incident, but doesn't seem sure that he should be. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bent about some other guy kissing your GF, straight or gay. It is a violation. But despite the limited facts about that night, I think it's up to OP to decide whether or not he can believe his GF. We don't know any other aspects of their relationship, whether she is loyal or disloyal, if they're generally trustworthy towards each other or not. To me, this is like Occam's Razor—the simplest solution is probably the correct one. 1
kendahke Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 One of my best friends is a gay man and he occasionally kisses me on the lips--but he will also tell you that a vagina holds absolutely no interest At. All. for him. In fact, he's turned off by the notion. But again, he is also one of my best friends, not a stranger I'd just met. If it was nothing, she should have just kept it to herself unless she was highly offended by what he did. I'm not sure what telling OP about it accomplished besides putting his ire into overdrive. 1
thecrucible Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I have a gay male friend who does this to me sometimes and also sexy dances with me. He tells me that he is curious about women in an aesthetic way but doesn't feel a sexual appeal. So that's just him but I'm not dating anyone to offend. If the guy is genuinely gay, then you just have to have a discussion about it and say you are uncomfortable with it and hope she will respect your wishes and not do it again. But in my view this isn't the worst relationship problem and you can definitely work it out. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 OP's initial post didn't sound like he's worried about some kind of indiscretion, though. That theory's come up thanks to subsequent posters. OP seems bothered by the whole incident, but doesn't seem sure that he should be. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bent about some other guy kissing your GF, straight or gay. It is a violation. But despite the limited facts about that night, I think it's up to OP to decide whether or not he can believe his GF. We don't know any other aspects of their relationship, whether she is loyal or disloyal, if they're generally trustworthy towards each other or not. To me, this is like Occam's Razor—the simplest solution is probably the correct one. I said in a prior post that of course it's okay for him not to be happy about it and even ask her to refrain from that if it bothers him that much. But some of the subsequent posters are saying there's this whole dark conspiracy of her being a lying, cheating, skank who's real agenda is sexualized or at the very least she has no self-respect. It doesn't sound as though it made her uncomfortable but that doesn't mean she's running off into the sunset with the gay dude either. However if OP is going throw a (as far as we've been told) decent girlfriend under the bus because a gay dude kissed her, but he buys into the rest of this nonsense.......well it WOULD be better for her in the long-run. Because I doubt many people would want to be in a relationship where they are believed to be very underhanded (unnecessarily). 2
Robratory Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 And now, all of a sudden she brought up how she has no clue what I'm doing when I'm not with her. Like she has no idea and she just has to trust in me. Like the conversation took a turn on me, making me like the bad guy or whatever out of nowhere on like how in her mind I might be cheating or flirting with girls behind her back. I'm getting confused Ok, drama alert! Time to find another girlfriend. Seriously, you should have zero tolerance for drama. Everything can be discussed and talked about, but once someone starts with the histrionics, all bets are off.
Robratory Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 It doesn't sound as though it made her uncomfortable but that doesn't mean she's running off into the sunset with the gay dude either. But why wouldn't she be uncomfortable? I mean, isn't "consent" a big deal these days? He touched her intimately and inappropriately, and it doesn't matter what his sexual orientation is. The fact that she didn't think it was a problem would make me have serious reservations about her, but the ensuing drama she dumped on the OP would be the real deal breaker. 1
Robratory Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I have a gay male friend who does this to me sometimes and also sexy dances with me. He tells me that he is curious about women in an aesthetic way but doesn't feel a sexual appeal. I'm curious, where do you draw the line? And how does the fact that he does not enjoy it sexually change things? Could a female friend kiss and dance sexy with you if you thought she was straight? I hadn't thought of the issue recently, but I've long noticed it, of course. Men can get away with all sorts of liberties if the women believe them to be gay. 1
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Ok, drama alert! Time to find another girlfriend. Seriously, you should have zero tolerance for drama. Everything can be discussed and talked about, but once someone starts with the histrionics, all bets are off. I agree that this aspect is the most disturbing part of the entire story. Why does she feel the need to turn it back onto him? I wonder if this is something she does often.
thecrucible Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I'm curious, where do you draw the line? And how does the fact that he does not enjoy it sexually change things? Could a female friend kiss and dance sexy with you if you thought she was straight? I hadn't thought of the issue recently, but I've long noticed it, of course. Men can get away with all sorts of liberties if the women believe them to be gay. It's certainly an issue. I wasn't meaning to imply that this is necessarily okay behaviour. Logically it isn't a big deal but I believe that in a relationship, although you can't interfere with each others' liberties, there are some things you won't do even though you are free to do them, out of respect for your partner. So I think this is a case where you have a calm discussion and mutually decide that it is best for both to keep boundaries with friends. It can be a mutual decision. I think in this case although it may not feel a big deal for her, she has to take her partner's feelings into some consideration. But I can also see that it is not done with any malice nor intended to get a bad reaction - so not worth getting too angry about imo. This male friend of mine has never been into girls - there is no doubt that he is a gay. But if I was dating someone and he suggested he felt slightly uncomfortable with it (in a calm and respectful way) then I would of course refrain from it. And yes I have kissed some my female friends on the lips, sexy danced with them, grabbed their boobs etc and they've done the same with me but we are totally straight - it's just been a bit of drunken hi jinks. One jokes that I'm into but I'm not as I am completely straight. If I'm extremely drunk, I can just be touchy feely.
ASG Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 And yes I have kissed some my female friends on the lips, sexy danced with them, grabbed their boobs etc and they've done the same with me but we are totally straight - it's just been a bit of drunken hi jinks. One jokes that I'm into but I'm not as I am completely straight. If I'm extremely drunk, I can just be touchy feely. Yeap, same here. Some lesbian friends have felt up my boobs as well. As have straight (girl) ones as well. Have kissed some girls. Both straight. I am 100% straight, have absolutely NO interest in women, whatsoever, as they are missing a massively important part. Oh, I remember when I was 16, going out with my best friend to clubs and we'd sexy dance and kiss on the dance floor just to see ALL the guys go absolutely CRAZY! We got off on it, massively, at the time.
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