Therapist is 35, I'm 16. Platonic affection or more?

February 19, 2016

TLDR Version at bottom of post She's in training to become a marriage therapist, she's been doing therapy 4 months with me and 3 years in total. She told me she wanted to become a marriage therapist to break couples apart instead of help them. Some may wonder why I'm on the fence about staying with her, but the reasons are in the last couple paragraphs. Anyway, it's an extremely long story but here's the gist of it:

-We now always have tight front hugs after an appointment. Usually last 3-7 seconds. First time I gave her a big hug, she said "aww..sweet boy" and brushed her makeup off my shoulder. Once pressed her cheek against mine during a hug, but it could've been an accident. Once brushed her hand across my new shoes and complimented them, and tried on my hat. Last session, she was walking me to the front door of her office and was a lot closer in my personal space than usual, and bumped into me [maybe unintentionally] a couple times. As she was saying bye, she stroked my back. I said bye to the female receptionist, and she twisted up her face.

-Doesn't seem to mind me pursuing older women: I was telling her how I once slept over at a 24 year old woman's house and we slept on the same couch. She assumed we had sex, I asked if she'd have to report it. She said she didn't have to, since I didn't disclose her name, then whispered "Don't tell me her name!". I once told her I had an older friend whose mom had hit on me once. I later told her he recently moved away for college, and she remembered what I told her about his mother. She said "Well now he's out of the way!" then quickly said just kidding. Another time I was telling her how I went fishing with my older cousin, and his friend had a girlfriend in her 20's. All I said was that she was staring/being nice to me and getting into yelling arguments with her boyfriend. My therapist said "so I bet you wanted to make a move, but couldn't because there was people around!", even though I said nothing to indicate I liked this person.

-We usually use a room with a conference table. Always wants to sit in chair closest to me, once getting upset when I moved to the other end of the table. Once made a joke about "having coffee" with my dad (she knows those are his code words for sleeping with someone). She's quick to tell me if a girl is attracted to me, even if the girl hasn't necessarily shown any signs and just friendly/nice behavior. I was telling her how a girl cussed me out because she'd given me her phone number, but I didn't call her back because she had a boyfriend. She said "She sounds like a *****, I think you deserve much better than that". Recently been insisting/thinking I have a girlfriend I'm not telling her about. If I refrain from telling her something in general, she'll annoyingly say "Tell me!" multiple times. She "accidentally" called me on her personal cell number even though she uses her work number with other clients. She's been contacting me with this number ever since, but does keep texts/calls professional

-Told me about a dream where she was crying because she thought I died, later saw me alive dressed in football jersey in dream (This dream of me would have been after just 2 sessions). Told me how a video she was watching at home reminded her of me. Recounted experience of how she went to a party in her naughty "adult pajama party" costume. Mentioned how she tied up + duct taped brother when she was 9 and locked him in the closet, dreams where she's beating/trying to kill her father. And how a boy at her old job choked her out and tried to intimidate her, then falsely accused her of sexual misconduct (Also said I'm the only one who knows, not even her current boss). I told her once how I was sorry I didn't show as much care for her as she did for me, and her face went red. She said "Even if you didn't care, I wouldn't be like 'I don't like him anymore, he's no longer my favorite client!'".

-I tell her I might be moving away, and her eyes fill up with tears. We discuss how it's a good opportunity for me since we're in a rough area/school, and she halfheartedly agrees. Despite this, she later on tries convincing me not to move, gives BS reason that I don't want to mess up my school year. I was talking about sending drugs in the mail, she advises me to wear gloves so I don't leave fingerprints, because she'd "die" if I went to jail. I jokingly asked her if she'd help me murder someone, and she says "Yeah, if they had it coming". She doesn't mind sharing germs with me, sharing her water bottle sometimes and once drinking directly after me. I once used some anti-germ wet wipes on my hands, she picks it up and throws it away for me (gross).

-Tells me she told her boss some stuff, e.g. almost getting me a gift card and almost giving me a ride to friend's house half a mile away, boss thought it was suspicious. She then supposedly confesses to boss reason she's acting this way is because I remind her of her little brother. She told me a different time because of this "brother dynamic" she just wants to take care of me, feed me, and be in my life. Once made a joke about adopting me. I have trouble with insomnia, so she offers to give me her personal sleep mask. Once told me her plans for the weekend, and said she wished I could come with her. Later told me it couldn't work because of job's rules, but she would hang out with me in general if it was allowed.

-She's suddenly tried to be professional. The last session I had with her, I kept asking her (innocent) personal questions, and she got annoyed and told me that we need to start doing "normal therapy", because there's already a waiting list of clients with bigger problems, and she'd feel guilty singling me out and doing sessions where we just chit chat about her. I told her that because of the way she acted/talked around me, she reminded me more of a friend than a therapist, and she told me that she wants it to switch to where I see her as a therapist.

TL;DR: Would hang out with me outside of therapy if she could, almost crying when I say I might be moving and advising me to stay, sharing germs, the touches/hugs, saying she'd help me with murder, favorite client comment, dream of me in Football jersey, but despite all this recently attempting to be more professional.

February 19, 2016

This person is not therapist material.

You are still a child (in the eyes of the law) and can't be held accountable for your own actions in the direction this situation is taking.

Stop seeing this person. I am sickened just reading it because there are so many stories out there where vulnerable people are taken advantage of by these so called "professionals".

February 19, 2016

I'm very glad you posted this here.

You need to go to a different therapist. This one is highly unprofessional, and her behavior would be inappropriate even if you and she were the same age, but the more so because you are a minor. She should lose her license for how she is acting with you, because her behavior violates every ethical code for every form of therapy offered anywhere.

You are very smart for recognizing that something is wrong with how she interacts with you. How did you get to this therapist and if you don't mind my asking, what are you seeing her for? Can you tell your parents some of what is going on? What about a teacher at school whom you trust? In the absence of any adult figure who can take the reins to remove you from this situation, I want to urge you to stop seeing her of your own volition. You don't owe her anything and I strongly suggest you have a parent or trusted mentor/teacher call her on your behalf and tell her you won't be coming for any more sessions, and you do not wish to speak with her.

An adult in your life should then report her to her licensing body. This should not fall on your shoulders and so I hope you have an adult in your life who can offer support.

Therapists are not friends. They can and should care about you, and you can care about them, but the focus of the sessions should always be you and what kinds of issues you are dealing with that you want to learn to deal with better. Even with a young therapist, it should feel like a visit with a warm, wise grandparent or caring but exacting sports coach--someone bent on helping you learn and grow. You know how good it feels to be in the presence of an adult like that, and you obviously feel something amiss with what is going on with your therapist or you wouldn't have posted here. I want to encourage you that YOU ARE SEEING THINGS CLEARLY. Trust your instincts here and remove yourself from this situation.

I had a therapist when I was 21 treat me almost exactly the same way as yours and I eventually pulled the plug. She tried to blame me and I wouldn't have it. It's hard to do because this person knows so much about how you think and feel and your life story, but in therapy when something feels amiss with your interactions, it's usually because there IS something amiss. Therapy can be uncomfortable sometimes because you have to face difficult things about yourself, or talk about things that are difficult to talk about...but while it doesn't feel "good," per se, you know that it's what you need and your gut isn't telling you that about how your therapist is interacting with you.

Please keep posting and let us know what happens or if you just need to vent.

February 20, 2016

She is definitely being inappropriate with you and she knows it. She is trying to get a hold on her emotions but it's obviously not working. You need to cancel any up coming appointments and seek a new counselor, preferably male at this point. It certainly isn't your fault.

February 20, 2016

I'm very glad you posted this here.

How did you get to this therapist and if you don't mind my asking, what are you seeing her for?

I had a therapist when I was 21 treat me almost exactly the same way as yours and I eventually pulled the plug. She tried to blame me and I wouldn't have it.

Please keep posting and let us know what happens or if you just need to vent.

It's through a free program offered by my high school were therapists in training talk to students. I was having a bad day and a teacher noticed, and also knew of my mother leaving me at an early age, so she suggested going to this program.

Lilmissjava, what do you mean "direction this situation is taking"? 1) She's clearly said get any ideas out of my head, so this makes it seem to me like she only has professionalism in mind; hence my last paragraph, she mentions keeping things professional from now on. 2) Comparing me to a little brother. 99.99% of the time women do this because it's either the truth, or because they're politely dispelling any notions they're attracted to the guy.

I'm not sure if you mind me asking, but how is the situation with your past therapist similar to mine? I don't mind a PM if you're not comfortable elaborating here on the thread.

Edited February 20, 2016 by chieftadoe

February 20, 2016

anyone who "tries to be professional" isn't one to begin with and really, she should be reported. She's old enough to know better.

February 20, 2016

If she's 35 and you're 16 that's called pedophilia. It's a no go because it's illegal. No matter how hormonal you may be at 16, a 35yr old should not be participating in anything sexual with you. End Of Story.

February 20, 2016

If she's 35 and you're 16 that's called pedophilia. It's a no go because it's illegal. No matter how hormonal you may be at 16, a 35yr old should not be participating in anything sexual with you. End Of Story.

She hasn't done anything sexual, and I doubt she will. Look at my post 2 places up.

February 20, 2016

It's through a free program offered by my high school were therapists in training talk to students. I was having a bad day and a teacher noticed, and also knew of my mother leaving me at an early age, so she suggested going to this program.

Lilmissjava, what do you mean "direction this situation is taking"? 1) She's clearly said get any ideas out of my head, so this makes it seem to me like she only has professionalism in mind; hence my last paragraph, she mentions keeping things professional from now on. 2) Comparing me to a little brother. 99.99% of the time women do this because it's either the truth, or because they're politely dispelling any notions they're attracted to the guy.

I'm not sure if you mind me asking, but how is the situation with your past therapist similar to mine? I don't mind a PM if you're not comfortable elaborating here on the thread.

This is wrong on several levels. A 35-year-old woman should not be acting like that towards you, a 16-year-old guy. Oh, I know to you it's like Christmas in July as it was to me when I was your age. But normal 35-year-olds do not act like that with 16-year-olds. She grew up listening to different music than you did. She has no good reason to find you attractive, even if you are a stud. Worse, she's a therapist. She's not supposed to get as personal as she has. She's supposed to act like a doctor would. She's not supposed to be telling you her dreams. She's not supposed to be your pal.

Now, everything you describe could be argued to be perfectly innocent, but it's also pretty clear that you have a crush on her. As a therapist, she should have anticipated that and not done anything to encourage it and possibly even have alerted you to the possibility.

Stop thinking of her as a woman, and try to see a different therapist. I'm really on the fence about what else to do.

February 20, 2016

I stopped reading at the tittle.

Kid: if you think she's acting innapropiately go to the authorities. She cannot do whatever she wants, she's a professional.

Stop going to this therapist. Either you're delusional and creating all these stories, or she's a nutcase as well. Either way, you need another therapist. Look for a male therapist.

February 20, 2016

Transference and counter transference aren't being managed. She lacks boundaries. Physical contact and too much self disclosure are inappropriate. You need to move on and find someone who is skilled and professional. At best it's a waste of your time and precludes you getting effective therapy, at worst it could be harmful. Don't keep dilly dallying. Find a real therapist and start doing the work.

February 20, 2016

Tell your teacher/school counselor/principal ASAP so they can report her for her unethical behaviors. She should lose her license for how she acted during your "therapy" sessions. All of her behaviors were VERY inappropriate.

February 20, 2016

Not sure what your question really is.

TLDR Version at bottom of post She's in training to become a marriage therapist, she's been doing therapy 4 months with me and 3 years in total. She told me she wanted to become a marriage therapist to break couples apart instead of help them....

I continued reading, but nothing else really mattered after this.

Presumably, you're seeing a therapist because you need help with some issue. Anyone who would say - let alone think - this is unqualified to provide the necessary assistance to you.

You already know that, yet you continue to see her and, at "16", you rather enjoy the cat-and-mouse game the two of you are playing on your daddy's dime.

But, in spite of all of this, what's really on your mind is whether or not this relationship with this twice-your-age-therapist is "platonic or something more".

Doesn't really matter. If it's real, the two of you are really emotionally f*cked up, and you both need counseling; if it's not real, only one of you is and does. If it's a genuine Romeo-and-Juliet-star-crossed-and-forever-cursed kind of love, then you still need to find another therapist, as she's not doing her job.

So, just like everyone else has indicated, you need to find another therapist...and one who is capable of helping you get over your issues - whatever they may be.

Best of luck to you, OP...

February 20, 2016

Doesn't really matter. If it's real, the two of you are really emotionally f*cked up, and you both need counseling; if it's not real, only one of you is and does.

By real, are you referring to the story's accuracy, or did you mean something else?

February 20, 2016

By real, are you referring to the story's accuracy, or did you mean something else?

I covered all possibilities...just not in the part you homed-in on as the section to snippet.

Any way you slice it, you need to find a different therapist; this one isn't working.

Whether or not you continue to play footsie with her as a potential romantic interest outside of counseling sessions, is a completely different issue. It's another issue, and one you can up with your new therapist, while you work on the issue for which you'd begun going to see this one.

Best of luck to you...

February 20, 2016

If she's 35 and you're 16 that's called pedophilia. It's a no go because it's illegal. No matter how hormonal you may be at 16, a 35yr old should not be participating in anything sexual with you. End Of Story.

Our sorry education system at work, ... it's called Hebephilia when the potential victim is his age.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Gold Pile

February 20, 2016

Does she have a license on her wall to show she is a certified psychologist? Because I seriously doubt it. Most therapists don't talk this much and they never tell you stuff about themselves. I don't think she's qualified to help you, but if you do feel she's helping, then by all means continue. It all seems very unprofessional though.

February 20, 2016

Our sorry education system at work, ... it's called Hebephilia when the potential victim is his age.

Oh, my! I sooooo misread the title AND the opening post.

16-year-old OP is seeing a same-aged 16-year-old therapist?!? My bad. I - and several others - completely misunderstood the issues at play.

So, a 16-year-old therapist has stated she only wants to provide therapy to break up couples' marriages, not work with the affected couples to resolve their issues?

Apparently, that's OK, then.

February 20, 2016

I think by real, people are referencing the obvious question that no one is asking: "Are you hoping there's a romantic connection to this woman?"

Given the title of your post I'm going to presume for the sake of argument: "Yes." With that answer comes a whole host of tragedies:

1.) your perception (story) may be clouded by personal bias (wishful thinking)

2.) she is supposed to know this wishful thinking occurs and counter it

3.) she is woefully inept at her job, and perhaps even predatory

4.) You're not getting the help recommended, and being further damaged

5.) You're probably not the only one being victimized

6.) It is a statutory crime, aggravated by her position of authority

7.) even a non-therapist 35 yr old is a dysfunctional match for you

8.) 35yr old GF will not impress your friends, it will make you look naive

I was 16 once. I think we all had a crush on our English Teacher but, if the English teacher has a crush on you - run, run, run away!

February 20, 2016

This story is familiar , you keep coming with a different username. But all details are the same. We told you already to report this to someone, but you seems obsessed with this story . Not sure if you are the student or someone else who is keeping posting this.

It seems this story is the product of your imagination. Maybe tell us your diagnosis, it may help us to understand your situation .

I don't want to be mean but you know that you posted the same story on other websites . The responses you got were to report and find another therapist . Nothing was done. Instead you keep moving to another website. If what you are saying is true why don't you report her?

February 20, 2016

It's through a free program offered by my high school were therapists in training talk to students. I was having a bad day and a teacher noticed, and also knew of my mother leaving me at an early age, so she suggested going to this program.

Okay, that makes it easier to handle this situation. Go to whomever heads this program (the teacher who suggested the program probably knows who this is), and explain to them the situation. Tell them you don't want any further involvement with this therapist, and ask to see a different therapist. If you feel comfortable, tell whomever heads this program some of what you have told us. That will suffice to explain why you don't want to see her anymore, and why it's imperative they accommodate to your needs.

Know that you're not getting anyone "in trouble," but rather are a) enabling your therapist to get the guidance and supervision she needs to develop in her chosen career path, and b) preventing another student from having to be exposed to the same treatment you have had to endure. You're doing the right thing here and you have nothing to feel badly about.

Lilmissjava, what do you mean "direction this situation is taking"? 1) She's clearly said get any ideas out of my head, so this makes it seem to me like she only has professionalism in mind; hence my last paragraph, she mentions keeping things professional from now on. 2) Comparing me to a little brother. 99.99% of the time women do this because it's either the truth, or because they're politely dispelling any notions they're attracted to the guy.

The very fact that you're in a position to ask such questions points to the inappropriateness of her behavior. It is up to HER to maintain what they call the "therapeutic frame," which is essentially a space for the person in therapy to explore his or her issues and past and present feelings in a safe, confidential, non-judgmental space with someone who is trained to listen and respond in a particular way designed to elicit self-discovery and growth in the person seeking therapy. Therapeutic relationships are supposed to differ from other kinds of relationships in that the "patient," or "client," as the person seeking therapy is often called, doesn't have any emotional obligation to the therapist. It's a very one-sided relationship in which the focus is 100% on the client.

Your therapist, therefore, shouldn't be talking about how you remind her of her little brother. She shouldn't emotionally manipulate you by tearing up when the possibility of you moving comes up. She should respect your physical space and yes, sit across from you at the table, and she shouldn't be hugging you at the end of sessions. You know this, which is why you have asked about it.

I'm not sure if you mind me asking, but how is the situation with your past therapist similar to mine? I don't mind a PM if you're not comfortable elaborating here on the thread.

Our situations are similar in a lot of ways. My father abandoned my mom and me when I was very young. When I was 21, I saw a therapist as I was feeling unhappy with a lot of things in my life. We had a good rapport and I felt for the first time like someone was actually listening to me. She seemed to really like me and one day she told me she loved me and wished I were her daughter. Now, unlike your situation there was no flirtatious or sexual overtone; we're both heterosexual women and she was in her fifties. Where our situations are similar is that she crossed the boundary from a professional, therapeutic relationship to a more personal one. She solicited talk about how I felt about her; she said she loved me and wished I were her daughter; and then when I told her I loved her and wished she could be my mom, she pushed me away and said we had to have a strictly professional interaction from now on. I remember she said, "I feel like you and I have gotten into a way of working together that I didn't agree to." And being smart like you I pushed back and said, "No. YOU are the therapist. YOU are the professional who sets the tone of these sessions. By definition, if we're working together in a particular way, it's at least in part because YOU agreed to it or in this case, initiated it." She couldn't disagree with me. I decided to stop seeing her, but I felt guilty for a long time, like I'd done something "wrong." It took me years to understand that I had done nothing wrong, while she had acted unprofessionally.

I ended up getting a degree in psychology, as well as working for several years with children at a psychoanalytic institute and then at a crisis intervention / suicide prevention center as an intake specialist. I'm sure there's someone on LoveShack who is a psychologist and could offer more insight than I can, but I wanted to let you know I come from *some* knowledge.

I also want to tell you that I teach kids your age; I'm a ski instructor in winters and I teach academic subjects to kids a little older than you. Kids your age are great because you're almost adults, but still adolescents, and you're still very much figuring things out about relationships and who you are, etc. So even though a 39-year-old like me can talk to a kid like you as though we are both adults, I'm always aware that you're still kids, and it's the responsibility of people like me to set a good example and protect you while also providing encouragement for you to grow into the adults you will soon become. It would be wrong of someone like me to think of you as an equal--it would be unfair to you. I know when I was your age I felt like I was all grown up and in many ways I was. But looking back at people like that therapist I had, and a college professor who, because I excelled in the subject he taught, said, "I often don't know whether to treat you like a colleague, or a student," and other examples, I wish these adults had just let me be the kid I was and not made me assume responsibilities for which I wasn't prepared at age 16. Adults need to let you be the kid you are, to mess up, and not have to take emotional responsibility for adults' mistakes. This therapist you have is not doing that for you, and that is reprehensible of her.

February 20, 2016

Oh, my! I sooooo misread the title AND the opening post.
16-year-old OP is seeing a same-aged 16-year-old therapist?!? My bad. I - and several others - completely misunderstood the issues at play.

So, a 16-year-old therapist has stated she only wants to provide therapy to break up couples' marriages, not work with the affected couples to resolve their issues?
Apparently, that's OK, then.

[]

2: To your rant here, it's still called Hebephilia based on the potential victim's age. Outside of the potential offender being an adult, her age is irrelevant to it being called Hebephilia .

Again, our sorry education system at work.

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 20, 2016

[]

2. Whether it's "pedophilia", "hebephilia", "necrophilia" or "imagination run wild" is neither here nor there; I was speaking of - and continue to speak to - the larger issues at play here.

Within the Counseling profession, it is considered unethical, immoral, and license-losing-worthy to get involved with one's client. In this case, it is also illegal.

Personally, I wouldn't seek the assistance of someone who is immoral, unethical, and engaging in illegal acts/behavior when paying them to help me better myself.

But, hey...that's just me!

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 20, 2016

This story is familiar , you keep coming with a different username. But all details are the same. We told you already to report this to someone, but you seems obsessed with this story . Not sure if you are the student or someone else who is keeping posting this.

It seems this story is the product of your imagination. Maybe tell us your diagnosis, it may help us to understand your situation .

I don't want to be mean but you know that you posted the same story on other websites . The responses you got were to report and find another therapist . Nothing was done. Instead you keep moving to another website. If what you are saying is true why don't you report her?

It's a shame some here are quick to doubt my story because of my supposed clouded judgement (Not talking about just you in particular but several other posters). If you read my story, I've listed the details as objectively as possible, there were no added connotations.

As for me seeking clarification several times, this is my first therapist that I've already sunk a lot of time into and I'm not sure about starting all over again with another one. Second, the idea of reporting her kind of sounds like a really big/serious thing, and would be hard for me to do. Maybe it's because I'm in a sort of denial that her behavior is inappropriate.

I'm not delusional. I asked her what her diagnosis of me was, and she hadn't made one of me yet (I know she wasn't lying because there's certain questions associated with the diagnosis), and said how she didn't like "categorizing" people. Ironically, in the same breath she told me she'd already asked several other clients of hers the questions and diagnosed them.

February 20, 2016

OP, are you sure you're 16?

Your sentence construction, grammar and style does not reflect a 16-year-old's writing.

Even if you are a gifted Oxford-Cambridge scholarship student, your writing is way too matured and 'established' for a 16-year-old!

As for your problem, whatever age you really are, your therapist sounds like bad news. Find a real professional that can help you deal with your issues - be it the age fantasy - or the other problems that this so-called therapist is assisting you with.

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Therapist is 35, I'm 16. Platonic affection or more?

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