I broke up with him, so why am I brokenhearted?

[elisemies]

Hi, I'm gonna apologize on forehand for the long post.

I'm new here and I'm a bad writer but I really need some help and perspective 'cause I believe I might be going a little crazy.

 

I met "A" on instagram over two years ago, when I still lived at home in Italy. Him being from LA, I never thought anything would come of it, but I immediately felt that he was special. We chatted every day and had a connection.

 

Fast forward one year, and I got accepted into a university in the States. We had gotten back in contact and decided we finally wanted to meet in person, so he booked a flight to NYC and we spent a weekend together, and immediately fell for one another. After that, we would see eachother once a month every month, either him coming to NYC or me going to LA. It was hard to be long-distance but we had strong feelings for one another and in the romance of it all vaguely decided I would move to LA after I graduated so we could live together.

 

A is a strong, handsome, generous and smart man. He's 11 years older than I am (I am currently 24) and is unlike anyone I have ever met. We don't agree on much, but I never could get enough of him.

 

Of course the longer we would spend apart, the harder it got. In came the arguments, the insecurities... I guess reality.

 

My brother got very ill recently and being far from home became more complicated and painful, putting the possibility of staying in the US after graduation in a new perspective. I still wanted to be with A badly, but now it was even harder. With him not being a very emotionally communicative person, I could never understand whether he just cared about me or loved me. Also, if I was to move to LA where I don't know anyone, I knew I would need him to be extra affectionate and attentive, taking on more roles than the one he had before.

 

"A" didn't make a lot of effort while I looked into jobs in LA, or searched for ways of moving my stuff there. It's not that he took a strong position against me moving in with him either, but he never seemed particularly happy or excited about it. Then again, he's a man of a few words.

 

Let's just say everything escalated and yesterday I called him to break up. It was not necessarily an impulsive reaction, I had tbeen thinking about it for a while but apparently I blindsided him. He was shocked but said that I was right, that he had failed me but that he wanted me to know that even though he had not said so he had loved me all along. He kept on replaying scenes of our relationship and telling me how angry he was that he had not been a better boyfriend. It was very emotional, as these things tend to be I guess. He also asked me if I didn't want him to contact me ever again and I said that I didn't know what was the right thing to do. He said he knew things were going worse but he thought we'd have to future to figure things out together.

 

It's only one day after and I'm second guessing everything I said and did. It's not that I didn't know the implications of my words, but all of the sudden the idea of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice again is crushing me. What I said was the truth and I don't take it back, but if he could have stepped up is game I would never have broken up with him in the first place, and I know that that person is in him somewhere, I just didn't know if I can afford to wait and put my life on hold for him. I wonder whether subconsciously I had been hoping he would wake up and fight for me, but perhaps my mind is too dramatic.

 

He is a proud man, he might never call me again or speak to me even just to respect my decision. And I keep on replaying everything in my head. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?

 

Please, any feedback, comments or perspective could help me deal.

I don't expect you to come up with a solution, an explanation or a prediction of the future. I just need to get out of my head because it's a horrible place to be at the moment.

[TaraMaiden2]

You didn't break up with him, in my opinion. He put you in the unenviable position of having no choice BUT to break up with him, because as anyone knows, a relationship is give and take, but sadly, you gave, he took.

He may well have realised (too little, too late) that his shortcomings contributed in no small part to the relationship's demise, but he 'said'. He didn't 'do' anything to remedy it.

He may have felt guilt and remorse, but not to any sufficient extent to convince you to keep trying, and that he would improve.

 

So in essence, he really actually broke up with you.

 

Go No Contact.

See the link (NC Guide) in my signature.

You're heartbroken, because you loved more.

 

And as the saying goes, "He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

You bent over backwards to do the right things in being with him.

STraightening up is painful.

But you'll feel better for it eventually.

 

All the very best to you.

 

Ti auguro buona fortuna, e un' abbraccio forte.

( Translation for the hard of Italianing: I wish you the best of luck, and a big hug).

[ManyDissapoint]

Yep I agree. The dumper in fact is always the least invested person regardless who actually ends the relationship. That would be him in this case.

[Frank13]

He cared a lot less than you think. He didn't want you to move in with him but didn't have the heart to tell you so said nothing. He didn't seem happy or excited about it because he wasn't.

 

All those things he said when you broke up with him were to soften the blow. I doubt he was blindsided. I's say he was hoping for this to happen. It's easy to say all sorts of nice things when you know things are over and you are no longer tied to someone. It cost him nothing to play the nice guy while being able to get out of the relationship he no longer wanted.

 

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing. If you got back with him nothing would change. He even brought up the subject of not contacting you anymore and still tried to make himself look like the good guy. Move on.

[BeFierce]

Yeah dont go back to rethinking of how you guys met on instagram. This is where you need to think with your head, not your heart. That initial spark of how you met- that one that your convinced just happens in movies- don't keep living off of that. Look at all aspects of the relationship. Remember how in the movie, Frozen, Anna thought she met that prince and they had that AHA moment and then they sang their little love is an open door musicial. That was your instagram moment. But in the end the prince was going to let her die, just so he can take over the kingdom. He didn't care about her, and A doesnt care about you either. ( yes i just used a disney movie as an example) loll Listen, don't let the ppl of italy down, they will be so upset that you flew all the way from your homeland only to get toyed around by this ass clown from LA. Pull the godfather move on him, and go no contact.

[TaraMaiden2]

.....Listen, don't let the ppl of italy down, they will be so upset that you flew all the way from your homeland only to get toyed around by this ass clown from LA. Pull the godfather move on him, and go no contact.

 

Classic.

[elisemies]

You didn't break up with him, in my opinion. He put you in the unenviable position of having no choice BUT to break up with him, because as anyone knows, a relationship is give and take, but sadly, you gave, he took.

He may well have realised (too little, too late) that his shortcomings contributed in no small part to the relationship's demise, but he 'said'. He didn't 'do' anything to remedy it.

He may have felt guilt and remorse, but not to any sufficient extent to convince you to keep trying, and that he would improve.

 

So in essence, he really actually broke up with you.

 

Go No Contact.

See the link (NC Guide) in my signature.

You're heartbroken, because you loved more.

 

And as the saying goes, "He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

You bent over backwards to do the right things in being with him.

STraightening up is painful.

But you'll feel better for it eventually.

 

All the very best to you.

 

Ti auguro buona fortuna, e un' abbraccio forte.

( Translation for the hard of Italianing: I wish you the best of luck, and a big hug).

 

Thank you. I think I'm gaining back a little bit of rational thinking and realizing that I did, indeed, deserve more than to be giving and never receiving. In truth, I love giving but towards the end of our relationship, I was trying to give less just to get a reaction out of him and the only person I was hurting by pulling back was myself.

 

It's weird though. I have moments where I'm calm and know that I made the right decision: I didn't want to be with someone that would have to change in order to make me happy, because ultimately I wanted to be with someone who'd find it second nature to do so to start with.

However these moments get clouded by the fact that I lost something that was very dear to me and the fear that I might never meet someone like him (which is a simple fact, being that we're all unique) and might never feel the same way again.

 

I guess it's all clichè heartbreak revelations, but I didn't think heartbreak came with physical symptoms. It's like walking through a sponge, contiunous pressure, it's harder to breathe and the light burns harder in my eyes.

 

Or maybe I'm becoming a vampire. Fingers crossed.

[Lilac Love]

However these moments get clouded by the fact that I lost something that was very dear to me and the fear that I might never meet someone like him (which is a simple fact, being that we're all unique) and might never feel the same way again.

 

Yes, you might never meet someone like him. Yes, we are all unique. However, it doesn't seem like the two of you are compatible enough to nurture a serious relationship. You even admitted that you don't agree on much. You also mentioned that he is not emotionally communicative and you could never decipher his feelings.

 

It sounds like you were more invested in the relationship than he was. Don't put your life on hold for him. Don't doubt your decision. You did the right thing.