insert_name Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 It has become apparent that someone who I went on a few dates with and who I held in high esteem is actually a game player, who told me what I wanted to hear seemingly so she had some company for a short while. How can people be so cruel as to hint at a future with someone knowing how keen that person is on them when deep down they know they are never going to follow through? This is partly self inflicted, I saw the red flags and ignored them and my friends suspect that she was trying to tell me in an indirect way what sort of woman she was in order to absolve herself of any guilt. I guess it is just even harder for me to get to grips with because I thought that this is the sort of thing that happens to women because guys use them for sex which is a pretty obvious (yet not acceptable) reason to string someone along. With this girl we were intimate a few times previously and she dropped contact. She then went to a lot of effort to get back in touch and lure me out into her company, kissing me and paying for dinner- why do that if you already know the guy is not the right fit for you? Why not just let me go and do the decent thing? Or not get back in contact at all? I then follow up afterwards and offer to take her out and in the process of arranging a date she stops responding. In some ways I feel sorry for her for a) missing out on a guy like me and b) acting like this in her 30's. When is she going to grow up and conduct her personal relationships like an adult? So I guess, in order to pose a question and stimulate debate out of this rant, I am trying to ask what do women get out of stringing men along? Attention, I guess, but in their 30's- really?! And would you pay for a guy's expensive meal and initiate some physical intimacy in order to get that attention? Dating sucks
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 I'm really sorry, l can feel your disappointment. It's not unique to women. Men, a lot of men, play these games as well. It reminds me of a certain engineer, in his 40s, l briefly dated last year. Emotional maturity of a 12 yo. 2
soleilesquire Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 I guess it depends 2 or 3 dates is not stringing along A couple of months is 2 or 3 dates is initial getting to know you stuff A couple of months is morphing into a relationship
Author insert_name Posted February 19, 2016 Author Posted February 19, 2016 Yeah I am not trying to say it is a male only problem- just that it makes sense why a man would do it, sex obviously. Why would a woman go to such lengths for an ego boost? It is sooo frustrating that I struggle to meet women that I like, I finally meet one that ticks most of the boxes, we get to a second, then a third date etc....and then it turns out she was multi dating and literally using me as a stop gap until something better came along. Not only that but the sheer lack of respect when I treated her very well, while I suspected she had a bit of a player vibe about her I never thought she would be so purposefully disrespectful. She obviously had little regard for me despite putting on a show of taking me out. Am I ever going to get a break?
lilmissjava Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 That's something I wouldn't do. The majority of women are on the receiving end of that scenario. Myself included. What I would do is engage in discussion about what both you and your prospect(s) are looking for. Some people just want casual dating, some long term, some hook-ups. Dating does suck and it requires a thick skin. I am new to it, and I have learned so much in such a small amount of time from the awesome people here on LS. I know what to look for and I pay attention to my intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Little things like that will get you along fine through the dating process. Just know that you are quite lucky that you find out early on, and spare yourself more intensified grief if you had carried on with this girl even longer. 2
thecrucible Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 I really feel for you. It's suck for that to happen. That sort of person has no integrity if they are so free with making promises they cannot fulfill. You definitely dodged a bullet there. 1
Author insert_name Posted February 19, 2016 Author Posted February 19, 2016 That's something I wouldn't do. The majority of women are on the receiving end of that scenario. Myself included. What I would do is engage in discussion about what both you and your prospect(s) are looking for. Some people just want casual dating, some long term, some hook-ups. Dating does suck and it requires a thick skin. I am new to it, and I have learned so much in such a small amount of time from the awesome people here on LS. I know what to look for and I pay attention to my intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Little things like that will get you along fine through the dating process. Just know that you are quite lucky that you find out early on, and spare yourself more intensified grief if you had carried on with this girl even longer. Yeah that is the major positive. I was quite enamoured at first but now I can see what she is like I pity the guy who she is seriously dating at the moment, her ego seems insatiable and I suspect she is going to swing from branch to branch, always seeking that unicorn that doesn't exist. We did discuss what we were looking for early on, but that was a waste of time because she lied that she wasn't seeing anyone else and indulged in a lot of future faking. So while I agree that getting that convo up front is the way to go it is kind of moot if the other person elects to tell you the answers most likely to sustain your interest until they decide you are surplus to requirements. 1
lilmissjava Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 Yeah that is the major positive. I was quite enamoured at first but now I can see what she is like I pity the guy who she is seriously dating at the moment, her ego seems insatiable and I suspect she is going to swing from branch to branch, always seeking that unicorn that doesn't exist. We did discuss what we were looking for early on, but that was a waste of time because she lied that she wasn't seeing anyone else and indulged in a lot of future faking. So while I agree that getting that convo up front is the way to go it is kind of moot if the other person elects to tell you the answers most likely to sustain your interest until they decide you are surplus to requirements. Dating is risky business. Absorb, learn and move on.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 It has become apparent that someone who I went on a few dates with and who I held in high esteem is actually a game player, who told me what I wanted to hear seemingly so she had some company for a short while. What do you mean it has become apparent? How do you know she is a game player and told you what you wanted to hear? Can you give us some specifics as to how you determined this? 2
brokengirl85 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I'm sorry with all my heart. Players are the worst people. They're mostly narcissistic people and will never acknowledge the pain they're inflicting. Yes, a player will pay for your meal, have sex with you, deceive you, string you along, hurt you, and do everything again, not once but the amount of times YOU allow him/her. I was strung along for sex with a man for a couple years. I'm still broken because of that. We must be really careful before opening our hearts to someone. I hope it gets better for you 1
Maggie4 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 How do you know she didn't just lose interest? Often one person loses interest first. In this case it so happened she ended it before you did. You could lose interest in another month. Then she might call you a player. If it's not til death do us part, then it had to end somehow. She beat you to it. 1
joseb Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 How do you know she didn't just lose interest? Often one person loses interest first. In this case it so happened she ended it before you did. You could lose interest in another month. Then she might call you a player. If it's not til death do us part, then it had to end somehow. She beat you to it. Yeah i kinda agree. In what way did she lead you on exactly? Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean she lead you in 1
lino Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Man uses woman for sex or anything else he is INSTANTLY a pig, bastard, c#nt, as#hole, whatever other derogatory term. Woman uses man for sex or anything else, she's just 'seeing what's out there', 'expressing her sexual independence ', 'not being tied down and oppressed by the man', etc Get use to it. No sense of accountability, poor role models in the media, brainwashing TV shows and magazines results in the modern women we have now who treat good men the same way they treat a disposable tooth brush. 2
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Man uses woman for sex or anything else he is INSTANTLY a pig, bastard, c#nt, as#hole, whatever other derogatory term. Woman uses man for sex or anything else, she's just 'seeing what's out there', 'expressing her sexual independence ', 'not being tied down and oppressed by the man', etc Get use to it. No sense of accountability, poor role models in the media, brainwashing TV shows and magazines results in the modern women we have now who treat good men the same way they treat a disposable tooth brush. lino, come on. We are asking for specifics as to how he came to the conclusion she *used* him, that's all. And if it were a woman posting accusing a man of using her, leading her on, I (we) would be asking the same thing. And have! Things are often not as they appear to be ....once we receive more info.
Shanex Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) I don't know if you've been lead on, this thread might turn into an enormous debate. Some people use dating site or the dating scene to kill time too, while not even looking to settle to RS at all. But of course won't admit it. I mean I lost count on women on certain sites having an account for almost a decade and it seems like theres no one out there to satisfy their standards. Probably guys are no different. I've been on numerous first/second/third dates that led to nothing, looking back I'm thinking I was a 'filler' and could offer them free dinner at a good place, or drinks even though they knew they were not interested in me. One of my ex admitted to have done that often, before she met me. Good luck. Edited February 20, 2016 by Shanex 1
Maggie4 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 lino, come on. We are asking for specifics as to how he came to the conclusion she *used* him, that's all. And if it were a woman posting accusing a man of using her, leading her on, I (we) would be asking the same thing. And have! Things are often not as they appear to be ....once we receive more info. One of the specific things the OP had a problem with was she paid for dinner. He thought by paying, she was indicating there was a future. So she used him for sex, and good company, but paid for dinner. What I gathered from lino's post that in this gender role reversal, and the OP has every right to be as upset as a woman would, who had free dinner but was used for sex.
Ferret Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Honestly it sounds like there was only a hand full of dates im guessing cause there was some past history the OP feels he was now entitled to more? I don't know that's my guess cause most wouldn't feel used after a few dates far as the sex they both were consenting adults im sure so it was what it was the fact she payed for the meal just showed she wanted to pull her own weight or that she was just seeing it as a casual thing ether way I don't think the OP was really strung along sorry OP better luck next time.. 1
Author insert_name Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 What do you mean it has become apparent? How do you know she is a game player and told you what you wanted to hear? Can you give us some specifics as to how you determined this? Unfortunately I can't really give specifics as it would involve things said and done which could make her identifiable. Lets just say there were a lot of red flags including her thoughts on how you should treat people you are dating that you don't see a future with. That comment wasn't specifically aimed at me but after telling my friend what she said he certainly seemed to think it was a female non-confrontational way of preparing me for the kind of person she was so she wouldn't feel any guilt when she did the same to me. in my naivety i thought she would never direct a comment so cutting directly at me so overlooked it- then she did it to me. The hope it might work turned me into an idiot
Author insert_name Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 How do you know she didn't just lose interest? Often one person loses interest first. In this case it so happened she ended it before you did. You could lose interest in another month. Then she might call you a player. If it's not til death do us part, then it had to end somehow. She beat you to it. Like I said above I am trying not to make this too identifiable...another detail is that when we first started seeing each other it was a struggle to meet up with her because of her busy life so I told her it wasn't working for me and tried to walk away. She reeled me back in with promises of how it would get better. It never did, yet she kept periodically coming back- why do that unless you are stringing someone whilst waiting for better to come along? I accept that I am partly to blame for all of this, I read all the time on here about trusting your gut and people treating you the way you allow them to. I kept putting up with it. The last time was harsh though as she had to reach out to me, break down the walls I had put up by that time, took me out for the meal, made a move on me and then disappeared. What was the point in all that effort?!
Author insert_name Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 I don't know if you've been lead on, this thread might turn into an enormous debate. Some people use dating site or the dating scene to kill time too, while not even looking to settle to RS at all. But of course won't admit it. I mean I lost count on women on certain sites having an account for almost a decade and it seems like theres no one out there to satisfy their standards. Probably guys are no different. I've been on numerous first/second/third dates that led to nothing, looking back I'm thinking I was a 'filler' and could offer them free dinner at a good place, or drinks even though they knew they were not interested in me. One of my ex admitted to have done that often, before she met me. Good luck. That isn't too far off my experience...but what you have described is 'being lead on', wasting someone's time and emotional energy when you know you are waiting for something better without explicitly telling the other person that they have a very short shelf life. By contrast I recently dated a girl with whom after the second date I knew it wasn't going anywhere so I told her I just wanted to be friends- no using for sex because it wouldn't be fair on her because she was getting quite attached. Pity I couldn't be treated with the same respect.
Author insert_name Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 Honestly it sounds like there was only a hand full of dates im guessing cause there was some past history the OP feels he was now entitled to more? I don't know that's my guess cause most wouldn't feel used after a few dates far as the sex they both were consenting adults im sure so it was what it was the fact she payed for the meal just showed she wanted to pull her own weight or that she was just seeing it as a casual thing ether way I don't think the OP was really strung along sorry OP better luck next time.. It wasn't many dates but it was over a number of months because she kept bouncing back and each time would say that it would be different now. I think you are right that she saw it as a casual thing- but she never conveyed that to me directly, especially given that she would always give excuses why she faded the last time and why things would improve. She would say what I wanted to hear in the moment to get what she wanted without regard for how it affected me given that she knew I was looking to progress to a relationship. I wanted more, she never did and she wasn't clear about that. Like I said, we had the talk about where it was going earlier on and again she told me what I wanted to hear 'no I'm not seeing anyone else' (turned out to be a lie) and that she could see us progressing to a relationship. The whole time I think she was just casually dating- fair enough, but she never made it clear that it wasn't going in the direction that I was looking for while suggesting it was. I think I can feel aggrieved about that although I accept that I should have stuck to my guns and walked away the first time I tried when I wasn't so heavily invested.
Emilia Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 It wasn't many dates but it was over a number of months because she kept bouncing back and each time would say that it would be different now. I think you are right that she saw it as a casual thing- but she never conveyed that to me directly, especially given that she would always give excuses why she faded the last time and why things would improve. She would say what I wanted to hear in the moment to get what she wanted without regard for how it affected me given that she knew I was looking to progress to a relationship. I wanted more, she never did and she wasn't clear about that. Like I said, we had the talk about where it was going earlier on and again she told me what I wanted to hear 'no I'm not seeing anyone else' (turned out to be a lie) and that she could see us progressing to a relationship. The whole time I think she was just casually dating- fair enough, but she never made it clear that it wasn't going in the direction that I was looking for while suggesting it was. I think I can feel aggrieved about that although I accept that I should have stuck to my guns and walked away the first time I tried when I wasn't so heavily invested. She made it plenty clear, you just chose not to listen. Next time give fewer chances to someone, that's completely within your control
Author insert_name Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 She made it plenty clear, you just chose not to listen. Next time give fewer chances to someone, that's completely within your control Really? If I switched the perspectives and posted about how I did this to a woman I doubt you or anyone else would be absolving me of responsibility by saying I made it clear at all! I would be called a 'womaniser' and a player- and rightly so. Being clear is saying to the person you are dating 'this is casual ONLY' rather than leaving it to be interpreted via behaviour (no matter how blatant) while your mouth says something totally contradictory. I admit I allowed myself to ignore the warning signs, but if she had flat out told me it was casual I would have run away because that is most definitely not what I am looking for hence why I feel aggrieved. Of course she wasn't going to do that because turkeys don't vote for Christmas. She has not acted with any regard for me at all at the end of the day, just what she wanted from the situation at all times.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) Really? If I switched the perspectives and posted about how I did this to a woman I doubt you or anyone else would be absolving me of responsibility by saying I made it clear at all! I would be called a 'womaniser' and a player- and rightly so. Being clear is saying to the person you are dating 'this is casual ONLY' rather than leaving it to be interpreted via behaviour (no matter how blatant) while your mouth says something totally contradictory. I admit I allowed myself to ignore the warning signs, but if she had flat out told me it was casual I would have run away because that is most definitely not what I am looking for hence why I feel aggrieved. Of course she wasn't going to do that because turkeys don't vote for Christmas. She has not acted with any regard for me at all at the end of the day, just what she wanted from the situation at all times. OP...I, as well as others, always always advise women to judge a man via his actions, his behavior. Words mean nothing unless backed up by actions that jive with those words. You say above her behavior was rather blatant with respect to what she wanted (or did not want). Fading, etc. Her "behavior" indicated she wanted casual. *You* chose to ignore her behavior (as you said above, the warning signs) indicating she wanted casual. That's on you. And it is exactly what I would (and do) tell women too. You have a right to feel however you feel, but next time pay attention to her actions and behavior, and if they don't match with what she's *saying*, respond accordingly. By pulling back or walking away. Again, it is the same advice we give to women all the time on this board. That said, I am very sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped or expected. Lesson learned. Edited February 20, 2016 by katiegrl 1
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