Looking for insight. My affair recently discovered

[Gigi2015]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

Game over!!....don't cheat...time to move on...only proves you can't pull the trigger...time to do it....HUGS!!! You forgot the silent treatment ...you deserve a real relationship out in the open..

[ladydesigner]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

OP what you described above was reason enough to leave. I do understand why you did not though, many abused women are afraid to leave as their self-esteem at that point is usually nil.

 

I would also not attempt reconciliation.

[bathtub-row]

I absolutely agree. It is 100% on me. I know it seems like I am blameshifting but I promise I am not. I guess I need to be more careful of that. I was honestly just giving background so that you could see where I was at before this was all revealed.

 

I think what I am struggling with is helping him through this and giving him what he needs and wants when I was really struggling with him before this was revealed. Does that make sense? It's like I feel I need a full tank of gas to help him but my tank was close to empty. How do I fill it upand be there for him while I feel resentful of him? I am trying to put things aside and focus on helping him but I fear I am failing.

 

The thing is, you don't need to support him. Sell the car and forget about filling it with gas. This marriage is a sham. I still say that he got what he deserved and now he doesn't want to face the consequences. Typical of abusers.

 

You resent him, as well you should. Love is not a factor in abusive situations. It makes no difference because abusers are broken and unfixable. Walk away and let him deal with himself. Any compassion you feel, or any kindness in your nature, is only going to backfire on you. I can't say it enough -- he cannot and will not be fixed. Staying or fixing this marriage is not an option.

 

If you don't believe me, read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. He has dealt with literally thousands of abusers and has discovered that they enjoy the pain they inflict on others. They enjoy the control so much, they're actually addicted to it and will not give it up. It doesn't matter how remorseful or insightful they act. It's just an act, designed to keep you sucked into their insane world.

 

When I say walk and don't look back, I'm not kidding around and I don't say it lightly. This guy was lucky to have kept you for as long as he did but I hope, for your sake, that his luck has just run out.

Edited February 23, 2016 by bathtub-row

[merrmeade]

I absolutely agree. It is 100% on me. I know it seems like I am blameshifting but I promise I am not. I guess I need to be more careful of that. I was honestly just giving background so that you could see where I was at before this was all revealed.

 

I think what I am struggling with is helping him through this and giving him what he needs and wants when I was really struggling with him before this was revealed. Does that make sense? It's like I feel I need a full tank of gas to help him but my tank was close to empty. How do I fill it up and be there for him while I feel resentful of him? I am trying to put things aside and focus on helping him but I fear I am failing.

I believe your description of your husband's behavior, its affect on you and your family and your feelings of desperation about your choices.

 

It's always very brave of a WS to post in the Infidelity forum on LS, imo. Brave and very revealing. It's like counseling: What you highlight when explaining the marital history, affair(s) and your response to D-day reveals your honesty with yourself and compassion for your spouse. How you describe people, link events, emphasize circumstances —everything you say — says as much or more about you than anyone else.

 

Of course, there's some information that's just flat out objective reporting of something that happened that's wrong, no excuses—e.g., you had x affairs; your husband seriously abused you. The fact of abuse is definitely a mitigating factor and makes it harder for either of you to be honest with yourselves, first, and each other, second. It really seems to me you're vacillating, contradicting yourself, and it's not clear to me how conscious this is. For example:

your attitude toward being on your own changes radically from p. 1 to 3:

• P. 1: "I am a stay at home mom to 2 kids, I have not worked since 1999. I have dedicated my life to the kids and family. So you can imagine the fear and terror I felt."
  
• P. 3: "I have a Master's degree in Education. Our area needs teachers so I am not afraid to enter the workforce and would have no problems with that."
  
• You've backed up your words with transparency, BUT how meaningful is that I wonder. Is there really anything to be transparent about any more since he's already uncovered the worst? I mean, I don't know.

 

It sounds like you really are a victim of abuse, in which case I think you'll just starting resenting him even more later if you don't sort the truth out. Nor do I think it's healthy for you to be warned about blame-shifting or to say "I know it seems like I am blameshifting but I promise I am not. I guess I need to be more careful of that." I don't think you can make promises about what your unconscious is really communicating. I think getting to the bottom of your feelings is first and foremost. You can't be honest with others if you aren't with yourself. It's not about forcing yourself to think and say the right thing. Until you get to the real problem/feeling, real understanding, honesty and change may not be possible, especially if there's long practice at rationalization and mental defense mechanisms.

 

From personal experience, I know that victimhood and entitlement go hand in hand. Sorting out what's true, what's right and wrong gets complicated. If you're dead set on ripping away all and any self-deception and going 100% into reconciliation, well, that's not really the most important issue in my opinion. I think personal integrity for both of you begins with yourselves as individuals first. It just takes one to get started and maybe couples counseling and mutual honesty can follow. I do hope you both get what you need.

[merrmeade]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

Okay, the delay on when I wrote my post and when it got uploaded overlapped your post above, so nevermind. If I'd seen this, I wouldn't have spent time on analyzing how you handle your affair.

 

This laundry list of violence puts your situation in a whole different dimension. Physically harming you? Breaking bones and bruising? Those are deal-breakers that make infidelity a moot point in my opinion. Violence is not something that you the spouse, as the victim, can fix. You should have pressed charges and left after the first injury.

 

If I have any opinion about the infidelity in THIS context, it's that you're even more vulnerable WHEN (and not if) he moves from hurt to anger. You can make it clear that the abuse is the reason you're leaving or even the reason for everything, but get out. Because it hasn't happened in a while doesn't make it not exist or not a valid reason to leave. It's the only reason. You don't owe him because of the infidelity. They're two separate issues. Convince yourself of that and the fact that he will hurt you again, perhaps even your children, and get out. That's all I have to say.

[understand50]

amaryllis,

 

If I was your brother.........

 

I would be fearing for the physical safety of you, and my nieces and nephews. Your transgressions, in this case are beside the point.

 

You need to leave. Generally I am in the reconciliation camp, but in this case, I see nothing to keep you together. You are going to leave at some point, because, the safety of your children will come into play as they get older. Get out now for their sake. Their safety and good environment, should be and only be, your concern. No person, should have to put up with this, and you are worth it to your kids, yourself, and your family, for you not to. You may think that this is hard. You may think that people will judge you, but in the end, this is just not a way to live.

 

You seem like a strong person, just afraid of change. What is to be frightened of? Not getting beat? Not getting verbally abused? Having your kids raised and live in a better environment, where decency and respect is practiced? You have the tools and skills, find the will to do this.

 

Please keep posting, and know that I wish you all the luck you can get.

Edited February 24, 2016 by understand50

[Gigi2015]

Amarillys:

 

You're husband broke your finger, spat in your face, gives you the silent treatment.....these are things most people never have to experience. It's not unnatural to become accustomed to abuse. I don't think you understand how ABNORMAL this is. Know your kids are also affected. Your husband is NOT a well person. It'll probably take years for him to get the help he needs. There's a difference between caring and sacrificing yourself and your kids. I hope you are attending IC. This will help bring some clarity. You need this even more than MC. I hope you have family and friends you can count on. You need to TELL them what's going on in your marriage. Another A is only going to complicate matters for you. It's like trying to cover up the sun with one finger. I hope you have a good day today and decide to do something good for you. HUGS!!!

[Try]

We were married in 99 and in 2001, I ran into an old friend. We had a short affair (a few weeks). For the last 15 years after that, we would email once every 2 or 3 years, we have met up for coffee, made plans to see one another here and there but for whatever reason we usually canceled. I would say over the last 15 years, we have had sex 3 times. I also had an affair in 2006-2008 with a different man.

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

2001

2005

2006

* In 2001 he painfully injured you when he broke your finger. In 2001 you also had your first affair.

* In 2005 he spat in your face, which did not painfully injure you.

* In 2006 he painfully injured you when he shoved you into a chair which produced a large bruise. In 2006 you had an affair with a second affair partner.

 

It seems to me that your affairs and him painfully injuring you are directly linked. I suspecting that you were open to the affairs because of the painful injures, but to confirm this I would need to know, in 2001 and then again in 2006, did you have an affair before or after he painfully injured you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

* In 2001 he painfully injured you when he broke your finger. In 2001 you also had your first affair.

* In 2005 he spat in your face, which did not painfully injure you.

* In 2006 he painfully injured you when he shoved you into a chair which produced a large bruise. In 2006 you had an affair with a second affair partner.

 

It seems to me that your affairs and him painfully injuring you are directly linked. I suspecting that you were open to the affairs because of the painful injures, but to confirm this I would need to know, in 2001 and then again in 2006, did you have an affair before or after he painfully injured you?

 

good points...really coincidental?

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with a different member. Did your H break your finger trying to get your mobile phone off of you?

 

This is sich an ugly, messy relationship.

[amaryllis]

I don't think my affairs are directly tied to the abuse. I think it's a coincidence actually with the timing. Or possibly I turned to them in my sadness for support and it progressed? I am not sure.

 

We went to a Psychologist together yesterday. I thought he was good. He seemed to genuinely want to help both of us. I told him my priority was to help my husband feel better but that I am wounded with my own hurtsand feel I can only do so much at the moment. That I am trying but I know it's not all he needs. The Dr said that it's not my work to do. That if he teaches me to be his therapist, I cannot be the wife. He also toldmy husband that he needs to stop asking me all the details. He has printed out all of the emails he found and for the past 2 months has meticulously questioned me about things, sometimes in ways I feel are wrong. But I try my best to answer everything. The Dr said I need to stop that. That husband needs to ask more about my thinking and feeling rather than my acting.

 

After we left the office, my husband said he did not want to go back. I asked him if he would try again because even he admits there were some great things about this Dr. He accused me of simplifying my affairs but in reality I tried to beas accurate as possible without emotion attached, all facts. And I had to nutshell it because of time. I cannot explain everything that happened in 3 minutes!

 

Things kind of escalated in the parking lot and I tried to walk away as he was again questioning me about details of my affairs (which we were told not to talk about for now) and the Dr also told us to sleep on what he has said and try not to get into it that night. It ended with him standing in the doorway of my car and accusing me of another affair with someone we know now which never happened. ??? I was so shocked. I refused his calls.

 

When he got home, I was making dinner and just trying to carry on. He was quiet. Then he woke me up every hour all night long to talk at me about how he cannot sleep, how I don't care, how I had "so and so's dick in your mouth". Every hour all night long. I just laid there and let him talk.Anytime I tried to respond that I do care he refused my words so then I just stopped talking.

 

We have an appointment with another counselor (LMHT) of his choice today. I am not sure what to expect.

[amaryllis]

I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with a different member. Did your H break your finger trying to get your mobile phone off of you?

 

This is sich an ugly, messy relationship.

No that's not me. He was trying to stop me from leaving and was trying to get the car keys out of my hand.

[amaryllis]

Amarillys:

 

You're husband broke your finger, spat in your face, gives you the silent treatment.....these are things most people never have to experience. It's not unnatural to become accustomed to abuse. I don't think you understand how ABNORMAL this is. Know your kids are also affected. Your husband is NOT a well person. It'll probably take years for him to get the help he needs. There's a difference between caring and sacrificing yourself and your kids. I hope you are attending IC. This will help bring some clarity. You need this even more than MC. I hope you have family and friends you can count on. You need to TELL them what's going on in your marriage. Another A is only going to complicate matters for you. It's like trying to cover up the sun with one finger. I hope you have a good day today and decide to do something good for you. HUGS!!!

 

I have told a couple of good friends.

I am about to tell my children also. He is now threatening to show the emails and pictures I sent to our children.

[amaryllis]

amaryllis,

 

If I was your brother.........

 

I would be fearing for the physical safety of you, and my nieces and nephews. Your transgressions, in this case are beside the point.

 

You need to leave. Generally I am in the reconciliation camp, but in this case, I see nothing to keep you together. You are going to leave at some point, because, the safety of your children will come into play as they get older. Get out now for their sake. Their safety and good environment, should be and only be, your concern. No person, should have to put up with this, and you are worth it to your kids, yourself, and your family, for you not to. You may think that this is hard. You may think that people will judge you, but in the end, this is just not a way to live.

 

You seem like a strong person, just afraid of change. What is to be frightened of? Not getting beat? Not getting verbally abused? Having your kids raised and live in a better environment, where decency and respect is practiced? You have the tools and skills, find the will to do this.

 

Please keep posting, and know that I wish you all the luck you can get.

 

I am frightened of a broken family for my kids.

I am frightened about what's ahead as a broken family.

I am frightened about not giving it all I have.

[soleilesquire]

I don't think my affairs are directly tied to the abuse. I think it's a coincidence actually with the timing. Or possibly I turned to them in my sadness for support and it progressed? I am not sure.

 

We went to a Psychologist together yesterday. I thought he was good. He seemed to genuinely want to help both of us. I told him my priority was to help my husband feel better but that I am wounded with my own hurtsand feel I can only do so much at the moment. That I am trying but I know it's not all he needs. The Dr said that it's not my work to do. That if he teaches me to be his therapist, I cannot be the wife. He also toldmy husband that he needs to stop asking me all the details. He has printed out all of the emails he found and for the past 2 months has meticulously questioned me about things, sometimes in ways I feel are wrong. But I try my best to answer everything. The Dr said I need to stop that. That husband needs to ask more about my thinking and feeling rather than my acting.

 

After we left the office, my husband said he did not want to go back. I asked him if he would try again because even he admits there were some great things about this Dr. He accused me of simplifying my affairs but in reality I tried to beas accurate as possible without emotion attached, all facts. And I had to nutshell it because of time. I cannot explain everything that happened in 3 minutes!

 

Things kind of escalated in the parking lot and I tried to walk away as he was again questioning me about details of my affairs (which we were told not to talk about for now) and the Dr also told us to sleep on what he has said and try not to get into it that night. It ended with him standing in the doorway of my car and accusing me of another affair with someone we know now which never happened. ??? I was so shocked. I refused his calls.

 

When he got home, I was making dinner and just trying to carry on. He was quiet. Then he woke me up every hour all night long to talk at me about how he cannot sleep, how I don't care, how I had "so and so's dick in your mouth". Every hour all night long. I just laid there and let him talk.Anytime I tried to respond that I do care he refused my words so then I just stopped talking.

 

We have an appointment with another counselor (LMHT) of his choice today. I am not sure what to expect.

 

This man is an abusive, intimidating bully. Period. The reason I think he wants to stay married is so he can have you around to control and intimidate (which, BTW, is sadly not all that uncommon).

[harrybrown]

Good luck to the both of you.

 

I hope your children will be alright.

 

You may want to also visit an attorney to see about your rights and also about getting a teaching opportunity.

 

If you think about how you feel if he had affairs, then you will see some of the pain he is in, but you can't help him.

 

He has hurt you too much. Has he ever hurt your kids? I sure hope not.

 

If he can not get past his pain and I do not think he will, he will be a victim for a long time, and you can't help him with that.

 

I do not see him changing, but if you want to try, have him pay for some time at Affair Recovery. You can find them online. I do not have any ties to affair recovery, just the help that was given.

 

But he needs to change his ways, and do you think that he will? If not, get you and your children safe.

[Chi townD]

Well, what I don't like about the counselor you went to is telling him not to ask the details. If he or she was a good counselor, then they would understand the mind movies. He or she would have suggested that your husband write down all of the questions he had and have you answer them one at a time and honestly.

 

 

He's going through a gambit of emotions. That can be expected. And you are going to have to endure a little bit of being a symbolic punching bag. HOWEVER! When it gets to be too much, then it's too much and you have to tell him that. And never stand for any physical abuse. If he lays a finger on you, you get out.

 

 

Personally, if it gets any worse and if he can't get a handle, then you may just have to end this. If he threatens to expose you with pics and emails, then so be it. It will be embarrassing, but not the end of the world.

[MJJean]

I am frightened of a broken family for my kids.

I am frightened about what's ahead as a broken family.

I am frightened about not giving it all I have.

 

So, you'd rather your kids live every day with a complete nut case for a father and a desperate doormat for a mother so that they can go out and mimic the behavior being modeled for them?

 

Your kids are ALREADY from a broken family. It just so happens that their broken family lives in the same house.

 

What's ahead for a broken family? In your kids case, a chance to live in a peaceful household with their mother instead of the nightmare household they're currently living in. You have a degree in a field that needs qualified people and pays enough to support a small family modestly. So, in theory, what would happen is you'd get a job, a place to live, and you'd work, run errands, talk to friends, do chores, spend time with the kids, etc.

 

Not giving what all you have? Not giving your all to a sham marriage to a mentally ill abusive prick? Not worth the time and effort. Better to put your energies toward making a life for yourself and your children.

 

By the way, waking you up every hour? Yeah, that's a torture technique. Sleep deprivation in the form of not allowing sleep at all or frequently waking up a sleeper is used to psychologically break down the sleeper and prevent them from being able to think clearly.

 

Your husband is literally torturing you. And you're sitting there trying to figure out how to get him to accept the counselor you want to use....

 

Have you ever heard the expression "Rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic"?

Edited February 26, 2016 by MJJean

[MJJean]

I wanted to add something.

 

I met my ExH when I was 16. Got pregnant at 17. Had my DD at 18 and married her father because I thought it was best for her. At 23, I had DD2. By the time I was 24, I knew I had to get out. My exH was a real piece of work. Very similar to your H, actually. I had a 6 year old, a 1 year old, a GED, no job, no living family other than my minor siblings. Leaving and going into the great unknown was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Better the devil you know, right?

 

WRONG!

 

Here I am, 16 years later, and I can say with absolute certainty that leaving an abusive marriage that also included infidelity (mine and his) was the absolute best decision I ever made. I wish I'd left earlier.

 

My oldest is 22 and she is the one who lived with her father's example of male behavior and our example of marital behavior the longest. She exhibits a LOT of her fathers bad behavioral traits and her romantic relationships are disasters. DD2, who was only 1 when exH and I split, doesn't exhibit nearly as many bad behavior traits, has her life in order, and has been in a healthy relationship with a gret guy for nearly 2 years.

 

Every day I wonder if, by staying as long as I did, I doomed my oldest to repeat the mess she saw during her most formative years.

 

I earned that she wasn't nearly as oblivious to the drama in her parents marriage as I thought. More fool me, I thought we did a decent job of concealing the bullshyte from the kids. She was 2-4 years old for the worst of it and remembers so much more than I ever suspected she was aware of, much less would remember!

 

Children live what they learn. What are you and your H teaching them about how to be a man, how to be a woman, and how a marriage should be?

[bathtub-row]

i would strongly suggest that you be very careful about therapists and their understanding of abuse. Many of them don't get it and they will downplay the abuser's behaviors. This is detrimental to the victim. What those therapy sessions need to be about is a sh---y husband who spits in your face, who verbally brutalizes you, and a host of other things. These discussions about the affair - with the therapist and away from him - is just another way for your idiot husband to brutalize you.

 

You simply are not seeing him for who he is but I hope you will step back and just look at him. Think about how monstrous you'd have to be to even think about doing the things he has done. Look at him with the understanding that he actually ENJOYS hurting you. He is joyful inside while you're destroyed. When he was waking you up every hour on the hour, he was enjoying it. He loves to have something to hold over your head and he is completely prepared to brutalize you until you're beaten down and under his control once again. Maybe he is hurting about the affair but that's only because he realizes that he is losing control of you. I'll make the comparison again -- by overlooking what this man does and how he thinks because "he has good qualities", you might as well be excusing an axe murderer.

 

Btw, I never said that you had the affair because of the abuse, but you're missing the bigger picture here - namely karma. That's why I say he deserves what he got and, from where I'm standing, I have zero sympathy for this bully. To put it on a nutshell, I detest abusive people and I personally think they should all be lined up against a wall and shot, or dropped off in Siberia without clothes or food. Are you getting the picture? These people are sub-humans as far as I'm concerned because they will destroy and manipulate until they draw their last breath.

 

As far as this fear you have of not having an intact family, what I believe should be front and center on your list of fears is what you're doing to your kids by remaining in this toxic relationship. By staying, you're teaching them one of two things -- how to be a victim, or how to be an abuser. By leaving this marriage, you teach them to respect you, to trust you to protect them and, most importantly, that they have choices. When people persist in toxic relationships, they merely teach their children that their choices in life are limited.

 

Ask my adult son who will tell you any day of the week that he would've been horrified if I had stayed with his dad or if I had gone back to him after I left him. And my son's dad wasn't what I would call abusive, he was merely controlling. I had another husband who was abusive. But my point is, my son knows exactly why I left his dad and he is a happier person because of it. Whatever you make of a home for your children while you're a single mom is completely up to you. And, if you go down that road, I would also make sure that the courts know about the abuse and would request supervised visits with the kids.

 

Hey, I could talk all day about this subject and I doubt you'll listen. But I will say something that I hope will sober you up a little. Think about a day several years into the future. Say your adult child comes to you and asks, "Mom, why did you let us stay in such a bad situation? Why didn't you protect us and leave?" How would you answer that? What possible answer could you give your child that would ever justify something that stole their childhood away, something that stole their innocence? When I asked myself that about my former abusive husband and how it might affect my son, I knew in my heart that there was no answer good enough. There would be nothing I could say that would cause him to walk away feeling satisfied by my answer. So, I made the only decision I could make that would allow me to live with myself for how I raised my son.

 

If you think about nothing else, then I hope you'll think about that. Because even if you think your kids are ok because your husband doesn't abuse them (which I would find hard to believe), just understand that they absolutely are affected deeply by watching this sick thing happening between you and your husband. And you just can't put your head in the sand about that.

 

It's too bad that this decision has fallen on your shoulders, but it has because your husband is weak and you are the only one who can protect your children. If you don't, no one else will.

[Dolfin80]

He doesn't give a **** about you or the your affairs. He is using your affairs and that email to emotionally abuse you more. He is terrorising you in your sleep for gods sake, this is how prisoners of war get broken in.

 

His crying to you when he found out is just another abuse tactic to manipulate your emotions. It's all about control. He wants full control over you.

 

You need to get domestic violence counselling immediately, so you can get out of the fog. Do not get counselling with him as he will turn everything you say against you and push you further into the fog and under his control.

 

Read Lundy's book now. Your husband is using common abuse tactics, he doesn't give a rats arse that you had an affair. He is abusing you!!!!!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amaryllis, it seems you are in a very difficult situation right now, something like being caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. Quite frankly, anyone would be hard put to offer you relevant and effective advice. However, I would like to say that , firstly, you should listen to everyone but keep your own counsel. You are an educated lady and do not need lessons from others as to how to conduct your life or live it. Your own judgement should be paramount. If you think that the psychologist that you met, is good, then go with that. He may have had a very good reason to tell your husband that he should lay off from the questioning for a while then he must have a very good reason to say that. Fact is he is a proper professional( psychologist) which requires years of concentrated study and also involves a lot of practical work. So have faith in the person and do not run about like a headless chicken looking for someone who has to fit a template of what others think a good psychologist is. There is a big difference between a psychologist and a counsellor. The latter do not undergo the kind of rigorous training ad the former.

With that out of the way I would give a reasonable period of time to trying to recover your marriage but, and this is a big BUT, if you think that things are not working out then do NOT hesitate to separate from your husband and initiate divorce proceedings. You cannot continue in a marriage which is continuously dysfunctional over a prolonged period of time. Please remember this is a time for both you and your husband to heal and for that both of you must want that. If your husband constantly refuses or rejects healing then there is not much that you or anybody can do. Of course one of the key factors in your healing will be that both of you forgive each other of the transgressions that you have guilty of. This may be more difficult than you realize. At any rate I wish both of you the very best. Cheers.

[Randomlyrandomme]

It seems like this marriage ended over a decade ago. Regardless of the cheating (I totally understand the temptation and desire in a dissatisfied marriage) you haven't expressed any times that you were happy or fulfilled. Hell you haven't mention any times he was happy or fulfilled.

You've been resentful and he's been too caught up with his OCD to allow either of you to be happy.

 

There's nothing you've mentioned that makes me think you could or should salvage this. I think the sooner you get out (would've been prime time before the affairs, but oh well) the sooner both of you can find happiness. You through freedom, and him after some self reflection and hard therapy.

 

You can't make his happiness (if he's not seeking treatment) your obligation or responsibility. Nothing happens till he takes the first step. And honestly, I don't think you should even be around for that. He's got too many unresolved emotions about you: anger, longing, list, mistrust. He hasn't helped himself with his issues, but I think you've removed yourself from being a part of his support team.

 

I say, please get out and live the life you truly want. Neither of you are happy or fulfilled and I'm not sure either of you have been during the course of your marriage.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Reading up on posts

 

DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN

 

They can not handle the details. If he shows the kids the pics, transcripts, that's HIM ****ing them up.

DO NOT make it worse by involving them more. They usually end up resenting the parent who bad mouths the other.

 

The more they know, the worse it will be for them. If your husband does that it will be horrible. He'll be damaging your children for no reason other than to hurt and embarrass you. Not because he loves hem, or they need the truth, but because he wants to inflict pain upon you. It is NOT the right thing to do.

 

Even if he does, and your kids are damaged and resent you, just continue to be a stable source of love and support. As they grow up, they will learn about both of you, who you are as people, and how you treated them as children. As tough as it might get, do not stoop to his level. It will only hurt you and your children's future.