Looking for insight. My affair recently discovered

[Gigi2015]

yes,that is pretty much how I feel. I am owning my bad choices and in no way feel that his mistreatment caused the affairs. I have said as much numerous times. I want to be there for him. I truly do. I do feel like since I asked him to leave in September due to his mistreatment and none of those issues have been addressed, how can I find the way to put that stuff andmy feelings aside when I am so low from those things already?

 

You shouldn't put them aside. You are in this position because you put things aside for so long. If you truly don't feel like you're in love with him, the staying can only cause more harm. It'll take years for him to get over this with or without you. Prolonging things will actually be a set back in the recovery process. There will be anger.....it's coming. It's part of the grieving process. Your children have also been on the receiving end of all this....being remorseful for what you did doesn't mean you should stay. Don't let him cling on to hope to later leave. That is not helpful it's actually dishonest. Be honest about where you are and tell him. He needs to know how you truly feel so he can make an informed decision of what's best for him too. He deserves to know how you truly feel.. Covering it up won't help him heal....won't help the marriage. I don't think you should have to have sex with him if you're NOT in love with him..I don't think it's healthy. Maybe you could agree to have separate bedrooms and continue IC and MC until you both can decide what's best. BTW--I think the silent treatment is a form of emotional terrorism. To me that would be a deal breaker.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Friskyone4u]

Looking forward and not backward, you have no chance to reconcile your marriage without reigniting your sex life . Do you want to live celibate or are u planning to use that as a reason to cheat again???

 

All the issues you described are valid but you need a therapist who also can help you two take the baby steps to restore some intimacy to your life .

 

If you read a book called " His Needs, Her Needs", you will understand that sex is a mans primary need in a relationship. Your inability or refusal to provide it will make it impossible for him to recover from your willingly providing it to others, and him knowing all the gory details magnifies that

[veggirl]

Frankly it sounds like you are only with him because you have been for so long and you can't financially support yourself. If that wasn't the case it seems you'd have left him. Is there really something to save here?!

[MJJean]

Do you love him or do you love who you think he can be?

 

Do you want to be married and have a happy family or do you want to be married to him?

 

It really sounds like the relationship is a nightmare and that you're staying because you feel guilty for cheating, cannot fully support yourself, and want to be married and have a happy family with someone.

[amaryllis]

Frankly it sounds like you are only with him because you have been for so long and you can't financially support yourself. If that wasn't the case it seems you'd have left him. Is there really something to save here?!

 

I have a Master's degree in Education. Our area needs teachers so I am not afraid to enter the workforce and would have no problems with that.

 

He finally agreed to do MC last year after refusing to do any counseling so I was kind of hanging my hat on us getting some help and hanging on to that hope. He has issues. So do I clearly. I guess I always thought that with help we could stay together.

[SoulStorm]

You won't be able to effectively help him until you forgive him...and yourself.

 

You can forgive yourself and still have remorse. From what you post..you have regret and very little remorse. You are sorry you did it and you hurt him, yet you are unable to release your resentment and give him what he needs. That is not remorse. Remorse is akin to love. You can love someone and want to be close to them despite their faults. Remorse lets you take action to atone for what you did to a person, never looking at what was done to you.

 

You have to forgive him or you will never be able to help him and he will become more and more depressed.

He knows he was wrong and is trying to change. Live in the moments of his changing...not in what you think he will do after a few weeks of changing.

 

It will not feel good to you for him to hold your affairs over your head..even though they are over.

 

Give him the same courtesy of not holding his past over his head until he shows you different.

[amaryllis]

You won't be able to effectively help him until you forgive him...and yourself.

 

You can forgive yourself and still have remorse. From what you post..you have regret and very little remorse. You are sorry you did it and you hurt him, yet you are unable to release your resentment and give him what he needs. That is not remorse. Remorse is akin to love. You can love someone and want to be close to them despite their faults. Remorse lets you take action to atone for what you did to a person, never looking at what was done to you.

 

You have to forgive him or you will never be able to help him and he will become more and more depressed.

He knows he was wrong and is trying to change. Live in the moments of his changing...not in what you think he will do after a few weeks of changing.

 

It will not feel good to you for him to hold your affairs over your head..even though they are over.

 

Give him the same courtesy of not holding his past over his head until he shows you different.

 

This is all very good advice and I appreciate your words. I know I need to forgive him for those things so I can help him. I wish he would also put some effort forth into healing my hurts also. I wish we could work on it together. But right now he says that infidelity is worse than anything he has ever done to me. He said that those issues need to be put aside to be addressed later because his issues are so much worse.

 

Is that really true that infidelity is worse than emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse? I am honestly curious if that is a commonly held belief. I am not tying to say one is worse than they other but he seems to think it is.

[kgcolonel]

I see the mistake here as not leaving once abuse surfaced....is one worse than the other???? Can't say but is that really relevant.....is this a R that you really feel has a chance to last? Abusive relationships as well as those where infidelity are involved need both IC and MC....I would rely on what my IC therapist has to say here....at any rate, separate living spaces (for safety) need to be arranged....once that is in place both issues can be worked.

[whichwayisup]

Question is, do you love him enough and feel he's worth fighting for? Does he feel the same as you? If the marriage is over and you two are clinging out of fear of the unknown, that's not a reason to stay together... Maybe a trial separation is needed, so you both can think and decide what you both want.

 

It's pointless to fight for a marriage if he isn't willing to work with you and do counseling.

 

The affair is on you, the abuse and how he's treated you is on him. He didn't force you to go have an A and you didn't force him to be abusive. It's all choices.

[SoulStorm]

This is all very good advice and I appreciate your words. I know I need to forgive him for those things so I can help him. I wish he would also put some effort forth into healing my hurts also. I wish we could work on it together. But right now he says that infidelity is worse than anything he has ever done to me. He said that those issues need to be put aside to be addressed later because his issues are so much worse.

 

Is that really true that infidelity is worse than emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse? I am honestly curious if that is a commonly held belief. I am not tying to say one is worse than they other but he seems to think it is.

Abuse is abuse and infidelity is definitely abuse. When he was/is abusing you..it was/is only him that was/is doing the abusing. When you commit infidelity..you bring in another to help with the abuse you caused. You willingly use someone else to hurt him...so you decide which is worse. It all hurts just as well.

 

I would say as long as he has stopped the abusive, controlling behavior..he is putting forth an effort. Wouldn't you?

[SoulStorm]

Wait a minute..

 

has he physically abused you?

[road]

There is no reason that recovery from your affair and recovery from his abuse can not be worked on at the same time.

 

 

I assume that besides your affair being over you have done the following:

 

 

End the trickle truth

Answered all of his questions

Living transparent

Activating phone GPS/find my phone

Both of you exchanging all passwords

Real time GPS your car

Spend 15 hours us alone every week time to date and recover feelings for each other

Blocked OM number and email and any other way OM contacted you

Demonstrate the NC with the OM in place

 

 

You have done all of these things then it is time that BH starts working on his issues.

[amaryllis]

Wait a minute..

 

has he physically abused you?

 

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

[SoulStorm]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

 

OK..that's not acceptable. How long ago?

[Mrs. John Adams]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

and you are still living with him?

 

There is nothing here to save. Get out.

[Mr. Lucky]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

At some point, you're going to have to look at the fact that your continued participation in the marriage is validating his behavior. Staying after everything you've described communicates acceptance - and tells your kids that such behaviors are OK.

 

Not healthy for anyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaryllis]

OK..that's not acceptable. How long ago?

 

2001

2005

2006

 

He stopped because the last time I called the police but lied when they got here. I told him the next time he laida hand on me I'd have him arrested.

 

So I do believe he switched to emotional and verbal abuse. Many threats of divorce, "you are not worth caring about" you are a failure, you disgust me etc.

 

Anyways, we have been on the phone a lot today and have agreed to not discuss issues until we have a 3rd party present ie counselor.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I repeat....GET OUT

 

There is nothing to save in this relationship

 

You are both toxic

[amaryllis]

I repeat....GET OUT

 

There is nothing to save in this relationship

 

You are both toxic

 

Thank you so much for your input.

[Mrs. John Adams]

look....reconciliation is very hard work. When you have an abusive relationship...compounded by adultery....the odds are so against you...it isn't even worth attempting in my opinion.

 

I committed adultery 33 years ago....I KNOW how hard reconciliation is....and my husband was a truly wonderful man.

 

If he had been abusive....if we had the background that you have painted here....I would walk away.

 

You both need a tremendous amount of therapy...to work on the personal issues you both have....compounded by couples therapy following the ic....in addition...you both have to be all in...100% to make the reconciliation work....BOTH of you

 

You both have to rebuild trust...you both have to make each other feel safe...you both have to put the other one first.

 

To be honest...if i were in your shoes...I don't know that we could or should even try to reconcile.

 

I am just trying to be honest...and it may not be what you want to hear....but we have 33 years under our belts....a lifetime.

 

If you are truly up for the battle...read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It is free on line...95 pages of good information.

 

I wish you good luck...I hope your get exactly what you are looking for. I am not sure what you expect from loveshack. We don't know the dynamics of your relationship...we don't know your husbands side of the story. All we know are the tidbits of information you share.

 

What you will get here is a ton of information from BS...WS...OM...OW... and people who have never experienced infidelity at all.

 

Take the information that applies to your situation...and ignore the rest. Seek professional help....because that will be the most reliable help you can get.

[soleilesquire]

There have been 3 incidents in our marriage where he physically abused me.

 

he broke my finger

he spat in my face

he shoved me into a chair producing a large bruise which I had documented at the Dr's office

 

This, along with his years of belittling and silent treatment are every bit as destructive as cheating. let me repeat that about 10 times.

 

I do not see anything to save here, and I do NOT recommend you cow to him for some weird, indeterminate amount of time before asking HIM to work on his side of the marriage.

 

Penance is not appropriate in this scenario.

[road]

2001

2005

2006

 

He stopped because the last time I called the police but lied when they got here. I told him the next time he laida hand on me I'd have him arrested.

 

So I do believe he switched to emotional and verbal abuse. Many threats of divorce, "you are not worth caring about" you are a failure, you disgust me etc.

 

Anyways, we have been on the phone a lot today and have agreed to not discuss issues until we have a 3rd party present ie counselor.

 

I repeat....GET OUT

 

There is nothing to save in this relationship

 

You are both toxic

 

Thank you so much for your input.

 

 

 

You have kids. If this marriage can be pulled from the jaws of defeat they are your motivation.

 

 

You both have behaved badly.

 

 

It appears that you will be able to get him to counseling now. So tell your BH that you are sorry for the affair. You also can no longer accept his behavior. That if he wants you to stay in this marriage he and you will have to go to counseling. And stick with counseling or the marriage is over.

 

 

He does not follow through then go see an attorney and file. You can not bluff your BH or appear weak. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. It make take BH being served to keep him from back sliding and getting the help he needs.

 

 

Remember this is the new you with new ways to work on the marriage. Forget the olds ways for they never worked.

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this -- who gives a damn if you cheated on this fruitcake or not? He's a monster and deserves whatever life has dished out. I can't imagine why you have subjected yourself to this crap or why you didn't at least figure out a plan of escape while you were staying at home with the kids.

 

If you divorce him - and I hope you do - you'll probably get alimony due to the fact that you have few means to support yourself. You definitely need to talk to an attorney.

 

I say this to women over and over again -- do not ever put yourself in a position where you cannot support yourself and where you're dependent on a man. This is an extremely bad idea.

[Chi townD]

My thoughts on this -- who gives a damn if you cheated on this fruitcake or not? He's a monster and deserves whatever life has dished out. I can't imagine why you have subjected yourself to this crap or why you didn't at least figure out a plan of escape while you were staying at home with the kids.

 

If you divorce him - and I hope you do - you'll probably get alimony due to the fact that you have few means to support yourself. You definitely need to talk to an attorney.

 

I say this to women over and over again -- do not ever put yourself in a position where you cannot support yourself and where you're dependent on a man. This is an extremely bad idea.

 

 

You probably missed the part where she said that she has a Masters degree in education and that they are living in an area that are hurting for teachers. She's marketable for a job.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My thoughts on this -- who gives a damn if you cheated on this fruitcake or not? He's a monster and deserves whatever life has dished out. I can't imagine why you have subjected yourself to this crap or why you didn't at least figure out a plan of escape while you were staying at home with the kids.

 

If you divorce him - and I hope you do - you'll probably get alimony due to the fact that you have few means to support yourself. You definitely need to talk to an attorney.

 

I say this to women over and over again -- do not ever put yourself in a position where you cannot support yourself and where you're dependent on a man. This is an extremely bad idea.

 

I agree that this man is a monster for abusing her.....but she made a choice to stay....and while staying...she cheated. He did not deserve that.....what he deserved was her leaving him...divorcing him....and moving on with her life without him. That's what she should have done.

 

She didn't...she stayed in an abusive relationship and became an abuser....because cheating is a form of abuse as well.

 

It amazes me...that at this point...there is even ANY consideration of reconciliation. What is there to reconcile? It is not worth the effort and work it would take to get them both healthy individually and then together. I fear there is way too much damage to the relationship.

 

Divorce....and get healthy.