Looking for insight. My affair recently discovered

[amaryllis]

I'm in a pretty bad situation right now and need some advice/perspective.

 

 

A little background. In September of last year, I asked my husband to leave the house. For many years, he has been very hard on me. I suspect he may have OCPD, he likes things just so. Doors in the hallway must be closed at all times, countertops always clear, if there is a pen on a table he hunts down which of us left it there and makes us put it away or he just throws them away.He has threatened divorce multiple times, given me days on end of silent treatment, pouts downstairs while the rest of the family is upstairs having dinner then gets mad when we don't come down to check on him. In September, my wallet was stolen out of my car that I left unlocked overnight. He ranted about my irresponsibility and then ignored me for 4 days, refusing to eat the dinners I cooked, basically pretended I was not even there.I finally could not take it anymore so I told him I wanted him to leave. He did and stayed in a hotel. I could not handle anymore conflict so I figured I would just let him be,not reach out, until I regained a little strength. One night he called me multiple times and his voicemails threatened me with "further action" if I did not call back. I stuck to my guns and did not want to give in to his threats. He eventually showed up at home and asked for 1 more week to show me he has changed. Then you settle back in and yeah the cycle starts again.

 

 

 

Every time he thraetened divorce, I laid in bed all night planning life without him. I am a stay at home mom to 2 kids, I have not worked since 1999. I have dedicated my life to the kids and family. So you can imagine the fear and terror I felt.

 

 

Ok so here's the issue.

We were married in 99 and in 2001, I ran into an old friend. We had a short affair (a few weeks). For the last 15 years after that, we would email once every 2 or 3 years, we have met up for coffee, made plans to see one another here and there but for whatever reason we usually canceled. I would say over the last 15 years, we have had sex 3 times. I also had an affair in 2006-2008 with a different man. I have not been engaged in an affair since then.

 

 

 

My husband and my sex life has been dismal. I just have not felt like being intimate with him. It's been maybe 3 years and before that he would try to come in the shower when I was in there. It was just never loving and I feel due to his treatment of me, it is the last thing I want to do.

 

 

In December, I hid a Facebook status from him because he was again ignoring me. I just thought if he is ignoring me I am not allowing him to see or hear my thoughts any other way. Once the dust settled, I told him what I did. Well, he decided to break into my computer and he uncovered my 2 affairs. He read quite a lot of details, saw pictures of me. He read things I said to these 2 men that I have never said to him. Loving words, feelings that I have never expressed to him. Needless to say, he is devastated.

 

 

He woke me up in the middle of the night with 5 pages typed of all the info he knew and sat me in the hotseat and questioned me in graphic detail about everything. Used graphic words for body parts and activities that he wanted to know if I did. I was honest with him.

 

 

 

I have never really seen him cry before this but now it is with regularity. He weeps, sobs and tell me how hurt he is, how could I do this to him, how I have destroyed his life. I have done the things I feel I need to do. I have apologized and accepted full responsiblity. I have never blamed the affairs on him, I feel like they are not related to his treatment of me. I have been truthful, answered his questions, severed contact, promised him I will not do it again. I know it takes time to heal and I allow him that.

 

 

However, here's where I am struggling. Because we had deep issues before this all came out, I am really struggling with supporting him. He wants me to demonstrate the love I demonstrated in my affairs to him, he wants to have sex, he wants to be physical and hold hands and sit together on the couch with my legs on him, he wants to be touching me. We were not doing that before the revelation and he wants that now. I still feel so damaged by his actions that I can barely bring myself to do all these things. When I struggle with it, he gets so sad and cries and blames me for not feeling certain ways about him. He cries and says I am not attracted to him, that he just needs me to love him. I do love him but I am not in love with him.

 

 

He is not sleeping well,not eating well.He is suffocating me by trying to make a 180 change but I know him so well, how can he make a 180 after years of mistreatment of me? He sent me an email last night (he is out of town on business) and in part it says "

I'm so sorry that I'm so useless and have never ‎been attractive to you or any female with my OCD, unsociable character, not talkative or good at making conversations, etc. All the characters, attractive components (affair partner) has and I have none of those. I'm so rock bottom of my life and only feel pain, sadness and devastation."

 

 

Please help me. I want to help him. I feel my capacity to be there for him is affected by our history. What can I do to help him?

 

Thank you for reading.....

[soleilesquire]

What you did was wrong and unjustifiable, and I think you know that.

 

What he did was/is as well.

 

There are many ways to destroy your partner, and while [some people] tend to think adultery is the only way that counts....it's NOT

 

Honestly, your marriage was so bad before all this, and HIS behavior was so bad before all this....if it were me, I'd just divorce.

 

I almost never say that, but you have cheated multiple times, and he has completely depleted your capacity/ability to have anything left for him through his long term behavior.

Edited February 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katielee]

welcome...sorry you are here!

 

You both need to be in IC, I think...

 

his previous abuse is not an excuse to have an affair, of which you've had a few. One of the things you need to figure out is why you used affairs to cope with the pain of this marriage. Why not divorce?

I just think there is so much going on here that you both need intensive therapy to deal with yourselves before each other. Is that a possibility?

[amaryllis]

Yes, it is. And we are in IC.

 

I don't think his treatment is an excuse or reason for the affairs. I actually don't think they are even related. But his treatment of me is now an issue in that I am having trouble being truly supportive of him when he needs me since I have felt abused by him for a while. I'm having trouble putting it aside tobe there for him.

[katielee]

so... why did you have affairs?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with Katielee

 

You both need to be in IC

 

There are so many dynamics going on in this relationship that it is almost frightening.

 

First....I understand that you are giving us background information...but you need to be very careful that you are not blame shifting your infidelity onto your husband. You are the one who made the choice to cheat...SEVERAL times...with SEVERAL different men. That is all on you...100%. You could have and should have ended the relationship with your husband before you jumped into someone else's bed. ...and you had enough time in between your affairs to do just that.

 

So ...you need to take the responsibility of your actions. You also need to realize..that you have absolutely destroyed your husband. His world as he knew it...exists no more. You took his choice, his voice away from him. You did not ask his permission....you just made the choice to cheat....and the choice to keep it hidden from him all these years. Now he has discovered what you have done...he has so many emotions running through his head. Sadness, anger, hopelessness, helplessness....on and on.

 

He needs to see a doctor....he may need some anti depressants or some sleep aids.

 

I want to ask you a few questions....

 

Do you still love him? Because if you do not.....then there is no point in continuing in this relationship. You said you love him but you are not in love with him.....that means you care about him but you don't love him. Big difference.

 

I suggest this book often....How to help your spouse heal from your affair...by Linda Macdonald. You can down load it free on line. It is 95 pages long and will answer many of your questions. It is almost a step by step "how to" book.

 

Read it...and also ask him to read it.

[greaterdevil]

meh--

 

spidery sense is tingling. you say your husband is so awful and how badly he mistreats you, but don't go a lot further than to say that he is OCD and that he gives you the silent treatment.

 

silent treatment isn't nice, in fact it is a form of abuse, but a lot of the posters that I read on LS talk about rewriting your marital history. this is where you make your spouse sound worse than they are--maybe even borderline abusive--to try and make your cheating sound justified.

 

you nonchalantly admit to having two affairs, one of them after being married for only two years. your husband obviously isn't that bad--you've stuck around and let him support you and the kids since the turn of the millennium.

 

I don't know--I read your post, and honestly I just feel sorry for your husband. I would never stay with a woman who is as cold and distant as you sound (not to mention unfaithful) but I can imagine that years of contempt, no intimacy and infidelity could turn anyone into a passive aggressive wreck.

 

I think you should look into marriage counseling... or hell, just divorce him. life is too short for you to be with someone you clearly don't respect and are not attracted to, and it's not fair to your husband to be tied to a woman who cheats on him and even after being found out had no remorse.

 

could be wrong, maybe your h is the scum of the earth. if he really is all that bad you should leave him, not cheat on him--kids don't need an abusive dad as their role model. but that's my .02.

 

good luck OP, sorry if that all sounded harsh--only you know the truth of your situation.

[amaryllis]

so... why did you have affairs?

 

I'm not really sure. But I don't blame my husband.

I think one factor could be that I lost my father tragically at a young age and maybe I am looking for male affection that I have missed out on? I am not sure. But that crosses my mind.

[amaryllis]

I agree with Katielee

 

You both need to be in IC

 

There are so many dynamics going on in this relationship that it is almost frightening.

 

First....I understand that you are giving us background information...but you need to be very careful that you are not blame shifting your infidelity onto your husband. You are the one who made the choice to cheat...SEVERAL times...with SEVERAL different men. That is all on you...100%. You could have and should have ended the relationship with your husband before you jumped into someone else's bed. ...and you had enough time in between your affairs to do just that.

 

So ...you need to take the responsibility of your actions. You also need to realize..that you have absolutely destroyed your husband. His world as he knew it...exists no more. You took his choice, his voice away from him. You did not ask his permission....you just made the choice to cheat....and the choice to keep it hidden from him all these years. Now he has discovered what you have done...he has so many emotions running through his head. Sadness, anger, hopelessness, helplessness....on and on.

 

He needs to see a doctor....he may need some anti depressants or some sleep aids.

 

I want to ask you a few questions....

 

Do you still love him? Because if you do not.....then there is no point in continuing in this relationship. You said you love him but you are not in love with him.....that means you care about him but you don't love him. Big difference.

 

I suggest this book often....How to help your spouse heal from your affair...by Linda Macdonald. You can down load it free on line. It is 95 pages long and will answer many of your questions. It is almost a step by step "how to" book.

 

Read it...and also ask him to read it.

 

I absolutely agree. It is 100% on me. I know it seems like I am blameshifting but I promise I am not. I guess I need to be more careful of that. I was honestly just giving background so that you could see where I was at before this was all revealed.

 

I think what I am struggling with is helping him through this and giving him what he needs and wants when I was really struggling with him before this was revealed. Does that make sense? It's like I feel I need a full tank of gas to help him but my tank was close to empty. How do I fill it upand be there for him while I feel resentful of him? I am trying to put things aside and focus on helping him but I fear I am failing.

[amaryllis]

meh--

 

spidery sense is tingling. you say your husband is so awful and how badly he mistreats you, but don't go a lot further than to say that he is OCD and that he gives you the silent treatment.

 

silent treatment isn't nice, in fact it is a form of abuse, but a lot of the posters that I read on LS talk about rewriting your marital history. this is where you make your spouse sound worse than they are--maybe even borderline abusive--to try and make your cheating sound justified.

 

you nonchalantly admit to having two affairs, one of them after being married for only two years. your husband obviously isn't that bad--you've stuck around and let him support you and the kids since the turn of the millennium.

 

I don't know--I read your post, and honestly I just feel sorry for your husband. I would never stay with a woman who is as cold and distant as you sound (not to mention unfaithful) but I can imagine that years of contempt, no intimacy and infidelity could turn anyone into a passive aggressive wreck.

 

I think you should look into marriage counseling... or hell, just divorce him. life is too short for you to be with someone you clearly don't respect and are not attracted to, and it's not fair to your husband to be tied to a woman who cheats on him and even after being found out had no remorse.

 

could be wrong, maybe your h is the scum of the earth. if he really is all that bad you should leave him, not cheat on him--kids don't need an abusive dad as their role model. but that's my .02.

 

good luck OP, sorry if that all sounded harsh--only you know the truth of your situation.

 

 

 

I understand. There is more than silent treatment. When the wallet incident happened and he came home, he admitted in his own words that he set out to make my life a living hell and that he has incredible stamina to do so. He has spat in my face (early on in the marriage).

 

Maybe I am coming across as cold and distant. I am sure I am. I am not in a great place. I am trying to be practical here and get my situation across so someone can give me some guidance. I am actually very warm and loving.

 

Thanks for your input, I read every word and it helps.

[amaryllis]

Do you still love him? Because if you do not.....then there is no point in continuing in this relationship. You said you love him but you are not in love with him.....that means you care about him but you don't love him. Big difference.

 

 

Read it...and also ask him to read it.

 

Do I still love him? I care about him very much. I want us to have a great marriage and be together. If I were on my death bed I would want him next to me.

 

Do I want to be intimate with him? Not right now.

Am I mad at him for years of threats and abuse? Yes

Do I think he can change? Yes

 

Am I sorry for what I did? Yes. I have terrible guilt and remorse. I wish I could take it all back and never done it.

 

My priority right now is helping him.

[Chi townD]

Do you still love him? Because if you do not.....then there is no point in continuing in this relationship. You said you love him but you are not in love with him.....that means you care about him but you don't love him. Big difference.

 

 

Read it...and also ask him to read it.

 

Do I still love him? I care about him very much. I want us to have a great marriage and be together. If I were on my death bed I would want him next to me.

 

Do I want to be intimate with him? Not right now.

Am I mad at him for years of threats and abuse? Yes

Do I think he can change? Yes

 

Am I sorry for what I did? Yes. I have terrible guilt and remorse. I wish I could take it all back and never done it.

 

My priority right now is helping him.

 

 

 

Is it really? It sounds like he does have a little OCD and a personality disorder. He needs to go to Individual Counseling to help him with that. And then marriage counseling for the both of you.

 

 

Here's the rub, his OCD and his personality disorder is his problem, but it affected both of your lives. You should have approached him about this A LONG TIME AGO! Now, you can come back and tell me that you've tried to on several occasions. But I mean, a massive heart to heart saying, "Look, you need to get this fix or else I'm gone!" But, I can tell you, you can paint him in the worst light, it still; in no way, justifies your cheating. That is 100% on you. That is a choice that YOU made and he had nothing to do with that. So, excuse me for being blunt, but it's time to own up to your own sh*t.

 

 

So, it sounds like you want to reconcile the marriage. Normally, I would say that it would be you that has to do the heavy lifting. But, I think the BOTH of you have to contribute to this. You don't want to have sex with him. Well, if you want this marriage, then you're going to have to give in when ever he wants it for right now.

 

 

What he is experiencing is something called hysterical bonding. It's an actual thing. It is a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "reclaim" what he believes is his. It's just is what it is. It's not a form of forgiveness from him, and he probably doesn't even understand why he has this overwhelming feeling to be intimate with you. But, you are better off just giving in and letting him have it. That's is if you want to reconcile. Because if you keep denying him, it's just going to make things worse (and I have a feeling you're already seeing that). Hysterical bonding will go away, so you wouldn't have to endure it for too long.

 

 

But, you need to own up to 50% of the failings in your marriage and he needs to own up to the other 50%. But, your cheating was 100% on you! He had nothing to do with YOUR choices. Own it.

 

 

Get him into IC and you two NEED to start marriage counseling. If the Counselor gives you two homework, DO IT TOGETHER! Or if the counselor needs you to do homework apart and bring it to the next session, then ensure time is set aside for the two of you to work on it.

 

 

Then, I would suggest that you drop the kids off at grandma and grandpa's and you two go away for the weekend sometime soon and promise each other that there will be no talk about the current problems. Just take that time to rediscover each other. To find one another again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Remorse is more than being sorry for what you did. Remorse requires action.

 

I suggested a book for you to read. If you indeed want to HELP him...then read this book. It will tell you exactly what you need to do...exactly what you need to say and exactly what you should be feeling.

 

If it does not speak to you...then that in itself should tell you something.

 

First of all...are you completely and totally transparent to your husband?

 

Have you given him access to all of your passwords...all of your accounts? Do you tell him your schedule...

 

you have to make him feel safe...and that means assuring him there are no secrets of any kind. That means answering every question he asks with complete honesty. It means coming totally clean with him.

[Clay]

I agree completely. MrsJA. To me it seems she is not really feeling true remorse. The other issue I see is she is now a serial cheater. If she does not take the time and figure out why she is this way she is going to repeat it again.

 

I agree with the others. I think he is going to need all the help he can get.

 

C

[soleilesquire]

I absolutely agree. It is 100% on me. I know it seems like I am blameshifting but I promise I am not. I guess I need to be more careful of that. I was honestly just giving background so that you could see where I was at before this was all revealed.

 

I think what I am struggling with is helping him through this and giving him what he needs and wants when I was really struggling with him before this was revealed. Does that make sense? It's like I feel I need a full tank of gas to help him but my tank was close to empty. How do I fill it upand be there for him while I feel resentful of him? I am trying to put things aside and focus on helping him but I fear I am failing.

 

Giving a complete picture of the whole of your married life is not blameshifting. And YOU are the one who lived in your marriage so you know the truth.

 

It sounds like you take responsibility for your very bad choices. And it sounds like you WANT to be there for him. Do you think his years of neglect, punishment, and mistreatment wore you out? Did you sort of become numb and closed off to deal with it? That may be why it is hard to find an abundance of energetic empathy right now.

[soleilesquire]

Do you still love him? Because if you do not.....then there is no point in continuing in this relationship. You said you love him but you are not in love with him.....that means you care about him but you don't love him. Big difference.

 

 

Read it...and also ask him to read it.

 

Do I still love him? I care about him very much. I want us to have a great marriage and be together. If I were on my death bed I would want him next to me.

 

Do I want to be intimate with him? Not right now.

Am I mad at him for years of threats and abuse? Yes

Do I think he can change? Yes

 

Am I sorry for what I did? Yes. I have terrible guilt and remorse. I wish I could take it all back and never done it.

 

My priority right now is helping him.

 

This is what I could consider to be a healthy place, actually. Blaming him for your affairs would be VERY unhealthy. Absolving him of all his consistent years of mistreatment "because I cheated" would be equally unhealthy.

 

I think there is actually hope for you two to have a whole marriage AND for you to be a whole person.

[Popsicle]

You would be making a grave mistake to stay in this marriage.

 

You are right to not blame him for your affair and to comfort him during this time, but you were abused in spite of that due to his ingrained personality, and he sounds especially bull-headed and I doubt he will change or get better.

 

If I were you, I would be remorseful and console him, but I would leave him.

[TX-SC]

Peerhaps try to see your husband as more than a collection of past actions. He has made mistakes and so have you. Compassion is an important trait for us to have. This is a person you have hurt. Can you have compassion for him? Can you forgive him as he works to forgive you?

 

Oh, and no offense here, but that whole "daddy" thing is just too Freudian. Lots of people with good, loving parents have affairs. Dig deeper and you may find your answers.

Edited February 19, 2016 by TX-SC

[soleilesquire]

Peerhaps try to see your husband as more than a collection of past actions. He has made mistakes and so have you. Compassion is an important trait for us to have. This is a person you have hurt. Can you have compassion for him? Can you forgive him as he works to forgive you?

 

Oh, and no offense here, but that whole "daddy" thing is just too Freudian. Lots of people with good, loving parents have affairs. Dig deeper and you may find your answers.

 

If the two of you can commit to doing this FOR EACH OTHER then that would go a long way toward REAL reconciliation.

[Ladyjane14]

First things first... I agree with the advice above to have him see his doctor. Believe me, there's nothing his primary care doctor hasn't heard before.

 

Discovering a betrayal like this one can, (and very often does), create a traumatic stress injury to the brain. That's basically PTSD. Recommended reading... The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. In it, he explains how loosely connected the amygdala (the emotional brain) is to the higher, conscious brain. So basically, it's just not possible to talk somebody out of an amygdala-based panic. It looks like this guy already has an anxiety issue, hence the OCD behaviors.

 

If it's possible for you to stay in this thing long enough to get him through the worst of it, I'd say that's what's in his best interest. Problem is though... you've got issues of your own that need to be worked out. You're both going to need fairly intensive individual counseling to root out your separate issues. If you can do that in tandem with marriage counseling, I just don't know. You're going to need someone with a very well-rounded resume though. The typical marriage counselor is mostly schooled in improving communications. You guys need something more psychoanalytical.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by amaryllis

I think what I am struggling with is helping him through this and giving him what he needs and wants when I was really struggling with him before this was revealed. Does that make sense? It's like I feel I need a full tank of gas to help him but my tank was close to empty. How do I fill it up and be there for him while I feel resentful of him? I am trying to put things aside and focus on helping him but I fear I am failing.

Do you want to help him out of guilt or love?

 

 

Right now you are too weak and resentful to help him to any great degree. Get a LOT of help from MANY sources until you know how to forgive and get stronger then you will have to make that free will choice to forgive and all else that goes with that. A person that can barely swim cannot save a drowning person. Your husband is drowning in emotional pains and you alone cannot save him because you have weakened yourself. You should do all that you can for him but know that you alone are not enough. Resentment is a love killer but you have a lot to do with resolving your resentments so GET GOING on defeating resentments. I know that you have a strong selfish self-will in you so now use your strong self-will to do what is right for you and your husband.

 

 

 

You have presented your husband as a man that did things that hurt you deeply. Based upon your information he is a troubled man and needs lots of help in addition to your help. However, you cheated on him in the first two years so that tells me that you had a serious character flaw very early in the marriage.

 

 

Bottom line is that you fix yourself so you can help more. Get yourself into a position that you can be a lot more help than you are able to do right now. Get all kinds of helps, professional, and otherwise. When you get stronger then give all your strength to helping your husband because you devastated him and you owe it to him to help him as much as possible no matter if you R or D.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I still love him? I care about him very much. I want us to have a great marriage and be together. If I were on my death bed I would want him next to me.

 

I can't help but ask - why ?

 

You describe a deeply dysfunctional relationship and a terrible emotional environment for everyone involved - your kids included.

 

Your cheating was wrong. But what you're proposing sounds like martyrdom and misery compounded, and you're taking your children along for the ride.

 

I get the well-deserved regret and remorse, you've done wrong, no minimizing that. But there's still a life to be lived for everyone involved.

 

Are you really saying sign me up for another 30 years?

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

it is not that logical that you would have information on your computer that would bust a 15 year old affair. Thinking people delete such stuff, because they know they will be caught.

 

 

so as an armchair psychiatrist here...maybe you wanted him to find out? wanted him to realize how serious the situation was, maybe as a last ditch attempt to save the marriage?

 

 

if so, here is your chance. sit him down, apologize for these past indiscretions, do NOT blame him for them, and try to talk out how to move forward. Moving forward for him will of course involve you promising to stay monogamous. Moving forward for you will involve getting some respect from him. a good counselor might help

[amaryllis]

Remorse is more than being sorry for what you did. Remorse requires action.

 

I suggested a book for you to read. If you indeed want to HELP him...then read this book. It will tell you exactly what you need to do...exactly what you need to say and exactly what you should be feeling.

 

If it does not speak to you...then that in itself should tell you something.

 

First of all...are you completely and totally transparent to your husband?

 

Have you given him access to all of your passwords...all of your accounts? Do you tell him your schedule...

 

you have to make him feel safe...and that means assuring him there are no secrets of any kind. That means answering every question he asks with complete honesty. It means coming totally clean with him.

 

Yes, I have given him everything.He has access to all my stuff now.

 

I will def read the book. Thank you!

[amaryllis]

Giving a complete picture of the whole of your married life is not blameshifting. And YOU are the one who lived in your marriage so you know the truth.

 

It sounds like you take responsibility for your very bad choices. And it sounds like you WANT to be there for him. Do you think his years of neglect, punishment, and mistreatment wore you out? Did you sort of become numb and closed off to deal with it? That may be why it is hard to find an abundance of energetic empathy right now.

 

yes,that is pretty much how I feel. I am owning my bad choices and in no way feel that his mistreatment caused the affairs. I have said as much numerous times. I want to be there for him. I truly do. I do feel like since I asked him to leave in September due to his mistreatment and none of those issues have been addressed, how can I find the way to put that stuff andmy feelings aside when I am so low from those things already?