Engagement/marriage/pregnancy jokes?

February 19, 2016

Hi everyone!

To cut to the chase, the guy I (23, well educated with good job) have been dating (turning 30 this year and incredibly successful) for two months openly said he wants a relationship relatively early, I was taking things one step at a time but now he is officially my partner (sounds somewhat cheesy). Things are amazing and I have not felt such great connection with anyone before (he says the very same thing although we have both had long term relationships). Now the eventual problem - he often makes engagement/marriage and even pregnancy jokes.

Example of jokes - In the light of a discussion on how long it takes people to get engaged, he says it would take him a month to get the ring he has in mind ; While talking about recent statistics on Britain being the most expensive country to raise a child (again, was in the news), he brings up the fact that for biological/health reasons it is far better to get pregnant before 25 and looks at me suggestively,I nervously laugh while a commercial about formula milk is shown on TV ; we have never discussed how many children either of us wants, yet he initiates the conversation by jokingly pointing out that I said I wanted three, he is concerned about my body and should settle with two instead

Couple of more things, absentmindedly holds my waist protectively while cuddling/watching a movie; jokes that me being pregnant is the one thing he is uncertain of; makes a comment when something changes in my regular eating habits asking if we should be concerned; made a list as joke of how the relationship should progress - move in together,engagement and marriage are the next steps

He has a great sense of humour but the bluntness and essence of the jokes are somewhat worrying. I am not sure what to make of them - it could either be him hinting something, testing the water or simply messing about. It is important to note that he is very determined both professionally and in his personal life. Thoughts?

Edited February 19, 2016 by elizabetk

February 19, 2016

He is testing the water.

Sit him down and have an open honest discussion about it.

February 19, 2016

You're dating a 30 year old man, it's normal he has marriage and children on his mind.

Are his dreams coordinating with yours?

February 19, 2016

You're dating a 30 year old man, it's normal he has marriage and children on his mind.

Are his dreams coordinating with yours?

Do 30 year old men really have marriage and children on their minds? In all honesty, I would have thought that most men that age (even when they are very successful professionally) want to enjoy life before having children as it is a big responsibility and time commitment. Marriage on the other hand is a different matter.

I have never seen myself rushing into marriage and children, in fact being successful in my career while getting a chance to travel and have fun is very important to me. However, if I am with the right person and we both share the same mindset, I cannot see why starting family of my own in the next few years would be an issue.

February 19, 2016

Somewhere between 30 and now (I'm 31) I started getting this overwhelming urge to just settle down, have a wife, have a life that is slower paced and then have a family.

It happens, we have our own clocks I think.

February 19, 2016

There is a rush of marriages in the late twenties/early thirties as people start thinking of settling down and having kids.

He sees you as a future wife and hence all the "jokes", which aren't really jokes at all, he is being serious.

Men have the advantage over women, in that having kids is not going to affect his career one little bit, so whilst you are correct "having children... is a big responsibility and time commitment", he will not be fazed as he can hand most of that responsibility to his wife.

He will want kids before he is 35, and by suggesting you get pregnant asap, ie in next 2 years, then he will achieve that.

Most well educated women with good jobs, start having kids in their early thirties actually.

February 19, 2016

Hi everyone!

To cut to the chase, the guy I (23, well educated with good job) have been dating (turning 30 this year and incredibly successful) for two months openly said he wants a relationship relatively early, I was taking things one step at a time but now he is officially my partner (sounds somewhat cheesy). Things are amazing and I have not felt such great connection with anyone before (he says the very same thing although we have both had long term relationships). Now the eventual problem - he often makes engagement/marriage and even pregnancy jokes.

Example of jokes - In the light of a discussion on how long it takes people to get engaged, he says it would take him a month to get the ring he has in mind ; While talking about recent statistics on Britain being the most expensive country to raise a child (again, was in the news), he brings up the fact that for biological/health reasons it is far better to get pregnant before 25 and looks at me suggestively,I nervously laugh while a commercial about formula milk is shown on TV ; we have never discussed how many children either of us wants, yet he initiates the conversation by jokingly pointing out that I said I wanted three, he is concerned about my body and should settle with two instead

Couple of more things, absentmindedly holds my waist protectively while cuddling/watching a movie; jokes that me being pregnant is the one thing he is uncertain of; makes a comment when something changes in my regular eating habits asking if we should be concerned; made a list as joke of how the relationship should progress - move in together,engagement and marriage are the next steps

He has a great sense of humour but the bluntness and essence of the jokes are somewhat worrying. I am not sure what to make of them - it could either be him hinting something, testing the water or simply messing about. It is important to note that he is very determined both professionally and in his personal life. Thoughts?

Just talk to him about his goals in life and tell him yours. You did talk about how many chlildren you might want, but have you talked about when? What's his relationship history? I'm thinking that he may truly want marriage and a family but doesn't want to get "trapped" into rushing his goal while at the same time evaluating you and how you might handle a pregnancy in terms of taking care of yourself, etc. Has he ever been "surprised" by a pregnancy in a prior relationship or had a "scare". jokes that me being pregnant is the one thing he is uncertain of; makes a comment when something changes in my regular eating habits asking if we should be concerned

February 19, 2016

@LoveRefreshed and @elaine567 thanks for bringing yours points - very interesting, I was under the impression that the biological clock slows down for men and hence most (awful generalisation, I know) want to enjoy life at their prime.

Presuming he does see me as a future wife/mother of his children, I am surprised he could make an estimate with so much certainty, relatively early in our relationship.

February 19, 2016

Hi everyone!

To cut to the chase, the guy I (23, well educated with good job) have been dating (turning 30 this year and incredibly successful) for two months openly said he wants a relationship relatively early, I was taking things one step at a time but now he is officially my partner (sounds somewhat cheesy). Things are amazing and I have not felt such great connection with anyone before (he says the very same thing although we have both had long term relationships). Now the eventual problem - he often makes engagement/marriage and even pregnancy jokes.

Example of jokes - In the light of a discussion on how long it takes people to get engaged, he says it would take him a month to get the ring he has in mind ; While talking about recent statistics on Britain being the most expensive country to raise a child (again, was in the news), he brings up the fact that for biological/health reasons it is far better to get pregnant before 25 and looks at me suggestively,I nervously laugh while a commercial about formula milk is shown on TV ; we have never discussed how many children either of us wants, yet he initiates the conversation by jokingly pointing out that I said I wanted three, he is concerned about my body and should settle with two instead

Couple of more things, absentmindedly holds my waist protectively while cuddling/watching a movie; jokes that me being pregnant is the one thing he is uncertain of; makes a comment when something changes in my regular eating habits asking if we should be concerned; made a list as joke of how the relationship should progress - move in together,engagement and marriage are the next steps

He has a great sense of humour but the bluntness and essence of the jokes are somewhat worrying. I am not sure what to make of them - it could either be him hinting something, testing the water or simply messing about. It is important to note that he is very determined both professionally and in his personal life. Thoughts?

Make nothing of them and do not bring these topics up to discuss yourself (not even from the news). Some guys love to "future fake", it makes them feel good. Not saying he is doing that for sure, but you always have to remember that words are just words until there is action.

February 19, 2016

Oh I missed that he is 30. Yeah he's probably thinking of settling down.

February 19, 2016

@LoveRefreshed and @elaine567 thanks for bringing yours points - very interesting, I was under the impression that the biological clock slows down for men and hence most (awful generalisation, I know) want to enjoy life at their prime.

Presuming he does see me as a future wife/mother of his children, I am surprised he could make an estimate with so much certainty, relatively early in our relationship.

Sometimes people are absolutely sure.

My brother knew that my sister in law was the one for him the first time he saw her. They were 18 at the time... Took them another 20+ years to get together but they are happy and have children now.

Just talk to him. We can't tell you what is going through his head and we can't tell him what is going on in yours. Just talk to him.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Toodaloo
Really terrible spelling...

February 19, 2016

Just talk to him about his goals in life and tell him yours. You did talk about how many chlildren you might want, but have you talked about when? What's his relationship history? I'm thinking that he may truly want marriage and a family but doesn't want to get "trapped" into rushing his goal while at the same time evaluating you and how you might handle a pregnancy in terms of taking care of yourself, etc. Has he ever been "surprised" by a pregnancy in a prior relationship or had a "scare".

Thanks!

We have discussed our professional goals in great length, future travels, investments, houses etc. but barely touched upon personal goals (e.g. we are aware that each of us wants a family and children but have not spoken in great detail about when as it feels a bit too soon and I wouldn't want to smother him/somewhat sure he has a similar mindset). He has been in a relationship for six years that ended two years ago, before I came into his life he says he has not wanted/met anyone who meets his criteria for a serious relationship (which we are now having) and it has all been short lived.

I am not sure if he has ever had a "pregnancy scare" with another woman, hence I cannot comment on that. He knows I work a lot and always worries about that, saying that I need to slow down and take care of myself (encouraging grown woman to nap). He also openly hints about "providing" for the two of us whilst I mock him saying that I am perfectly capable of doing so on my own.

February 19, 2016

Sometimes people are absolutely sure.

My brother knew that my sister in law was the one for him the first time he saw her. They were 18 at the time... Took them another 20+ years to get together but they are happy and have children now.

Just talk to him. We can't tell you what is going through his head and we can't tell him what is going on in yours. Just talk to him.

Thank you, that's a very sweet story. I am glad it all worked out for them.

I suppose I need to talk to him sooner rather than later. I was hoping things would simply fall into the right places as the time goes by and the talk would not require initiation. If he was to openly ask me, instead of test the water by joking with such serious matters, I would have no reason but to be frank with him.

February 19, 2016

Thanks!
We have discussed our professional goals in great length, future travels, investments, houses etc. but barely touched upon personal goals (e.g. we are aware that each of us wants a family and children but have not spoken in great detail about when as it feels a bit too soon and I wouldn't want to smother him/somewhat sure he has a similar mindset). He has been in a relationship for six years that ended two years ago, before I came into his life he says he has not wanted/met anyone who meets his criteria for a serious relationship (which we are now having) and it has all been short lived.
I am not sure if he has ever had a "pregnancy scare" with another woman, hence I cannot comment on that. He knows I work a lot and always worries about that, saying that I need to slow down and take care of myself (encouraging grown woman to nap). He also openly hints about "providing" for the two of us whilst I mock him saying that I am perfectly capable of doing so on my own.

You need to discuss your time frame with him.

As a 30 yo man he may be seeing himself marrying in 1-2 years. As a 23 yo woman you may be seeing yourself marrying in 5 maybe 7 years. In that case there would be no purpose to pursue this relationship and make each other miserable.

You also need to discuss on the stay-at-home-mom he's offering you. If you don't believe in staying home till all the kids are in school then again no purpose in pursuing this. You have important differences in values that will bring discord in your marriage.

It's not too soon, it's never too soon to talk about what are your views, values and expectations. What you'll tell him you'd tell another man, it's about you as a woman/person. It's not about preparing a marriage with him.

Personally I would not stay home 10 years raising the kids. I don't need to date a man 6 months to tell him this. I would tell him right away on our first couple of dates.

February 19, 2016

Thank you, that's a very sweet story. I am glad it all worked out for them.
I suppose I need to talk to him sooner rather than later. I was hoping things would simply fall into the right places as the time goes by and the talk would not require initiation. If he was to openly ask me, instead of test the water by joking with such serious matters, I would have no reason but to be frank with him.

Why don't you just tell him what you have told us?

You seem a perfectly rational and reasonable woman...

Tell him you are just seeing where things go and if it happens it does but you are just concentrating on spending time with him and getting to know him at the moment.

It doesn't need to be major or in depth. You can do it while flopped on the sofa watching TV.

February 19, 2016

I wouldn't talk with him about it.

In fact, what is your position on this? Has marriage with him crossed your mind or not? What are you talking to him about it for?

February 19, 2016

I wouldn't talk with him about it.

In fact, what is your position on this? Has marriage with him crossed your mind or not? What are you talking to him about it for?

It's too soon to think of marriage with him.

What they need is a general conversation about their relationship goals and their time frame.

It's useless to talk about them marrying if she wants to marry in 10 years and him in 2.

February 19, 2016

It's too soon to think of marriage with him.

What they need is a general conversation about their relationship goals and their time frame.

It's useless to talk about them marrying if she wants to marry in 10 years and him in 2.

I sense that she is thinking of marriage with him. And if this is true, she's going to ruin it by bringing it up either way. Just saying.

February 19, 2016

You need to discuss your time frame with him.

As a 30 yo man he may be seeing himself marrying in 1-2 years. As a 23 yo woman you may be seeing yourself marrying in 5 maybe 7 years. In that case there would be no purpose to pursue this relationship and make each other miserable.

You also need to discuss on the stay-at-home-mom he's offering you. If you don't believe in staying home till all the kids are in school then again no purpose in pursuing this. You have important differences in values that will bring discord in your marriage.

It's not too soon, it's never too soon to talk about what are your views, values and expectations. What you'll tell him you'd tell another man, it's about you as a woman/person. It's not about preparing a marriage with him.

Personally I would not stay home 10 years raising the kids. I don't need to date a man 6 months to tell him this. I would tell him right away on our first couple of dates.

Thanks.

I am certain he does not expect/want me to stay at home if we were to have children. One of the reasons he is attracted to me is my career drive and ambition (I have worked really hard to get where I am and so has he). Yet, he does have the advantage of time to gain sufficient material income and build himself up professionally and hence finds it absolutely normal to make things easier/provide for the two of us (e.g. lavish holidays, front row theater tickets, expensive dinners). He also knows I don't expect it of him, most of the time he does it in a manner that lets me enjoy the ride (I have a very demanding job and am often in charge of big projects, it is with him that I let my guard down).

On second note, his mum stayed at home and took care for him and his two siblings. If the time comes for us to settle down/have children, I am sure he would ask what I want to do, rather than assume.

February 19, 2016

Why don't you just tell him what you have told us?

You seem a perfectly rational and reasonable woman...

Tell him you are just seeing where things go and if it happens it does but you are just concentrating on spending time with him and getting to know him at the moment.

It doesn't need to be major or in depth. You can do it while flopped on the sofa watching TV.

Thanks, I would like to think of myself as a rational and reasonable woman but I must admit that the situation has been throwing me off the loop. He is aware I am taking it at my own speed and has affirmed being perfectly fine with that.

I sense that she is thinking of marriage with him. And if this is true, she's going to ruin it by bringing it up either way. Just saying.

You are right, @Popsicle, I am thinking of marriage with him and would be willing to do so in the next 2 years, provided things are going as well as they are now. My main concern is ruining it by bringing it up so early, as it is one thing to laugh/playfully ignore his "jokes", yet another to say I want it all two months after the start of our relationship/

February 19, 2016

Thanks!
We have discussed our professional goals in great length, future travels, investments, houses etc. but barely touched upon personal goals (e.g. we are aware that each of us wants a family and children but have not spoken in great detail about when as it feels a bit too soon and I wouldn't want to smother him/somewhat sure he has a similar mindset). He has been in a relationship for six years that ended two years ago, before I came into his life he says he has not wanted/met anyone who meets his criteria for a serious relationship (which we are now having) and it has all been short lived.
I am not sure if he has ever had a "pregnancy scare" with another woman, hence I cannot comment on that. He knows I work a lot and always worries about that, saying that I need to slow down and take care of myself (encouraging grown woman to nap). He also openly hints about "providing" for the two of us whilst I mock him saying that I am perfectly capable of doing so on my own.

I wouldn't want to smother him/somewhat sure he has a similar mindset) -- It's not too soon to discuss personal goals. It's not about smothering anyone. It's simply a statement about what your personal goals are. You wouldn't be saying that it's definitely with him -- just a general statement. And, then let him make his statement. If he's wanting kids by the time he's 40 and you want kids in 2 years or 5, you're pretty far apart on that aspect of your relationship goals.

February 19, 2016

These don't sound like jokes to me. They are not the least bit humorous. I think he is feeling you out on the subjects of marriage and kids. Have you had a discussion about these? Not in terms of each other necessarily, but in terms of what you both want... 2 years from now... 5 years from now, etc.? Given his age, it could well be that he wants to know you want the same things he does. Lots of women at 23 are years away from thinking about marriage/kids and it could be that he just doesn't want to waste a year or 2 finding this out.

February 19, 2016

You are right, @Popsicle, I am thinking of marriage with him and would be willing to do so in the next 2 years, provided things are going as well as they are now. My main concern is ruining it by bringing it up so early, as it is one thing to laugh/playfully ignore his "jokes", yet another to say I want it all two months after the start of our relationship/

Yeah don't say anything.

My xH did the same thing 2 months after we started dating- brought up marriage. I think it's just a way for them to let you know that they are serious about you.

You've already told him what you want in the future, there is no other information he needs, you two just need to focus on growing closer and growing your love.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Popsicle

February 19, 2016

Thanks.
I am certain he does not expect/want me to stay at home if we were to have children. One of the reasons he is attracted to me is my career drive and ambition (I have worked really hard to get where I am and so has he). Yet, he does have the advantage of time to gain sufficient material income and build himself up professionally and hence finds it absolutely normal to make things easier/provide for the two of us (e.g. lavish holidays, front row theater tickets, expensive dinners). He also knows I don't expect it of him, most of the time he does it in a manner that lets me enjoy the ride (I have a very demanding job and am often in charge of big projects, it is with him that I let my guard down).

On second note, his mum stayed at home and took care for him and his two siblings. If the time comes for us to settle down/have children, I am sure he would ask what I want to do, rather than assume.

You don't know anything until you ask and gauge his reaction. He may indeed have in mind for you to be a SAHM and for you to ditch your career to raise his children. Some older men deliberately choose younger women as they can control them easier, keep your wits about you.

It seems the time is NOW for you to settle down and have children according to him, are you really up for that?

Having kids will tie you down for at least the next 18 years is that really what you want?

February 19, 2016

I make the same "jokes" and stuff with my girlfriend. I am 38 and I have known for a while she is the one for me. She is 35 and I think she is pretty sure I am the one for her, but we both, admittedly, aren't really logistically ready to move in together and get married. We need to pay off some debt, get to know families, etc.

That said, I joke because in the beginning she asked me my marital ambitions and I told her that, for a while I thought I would never get married again, I didn't want to, but that with the right girl that it may change. She said she isn't one to date too long, and wanted to make sure I am not a serial dater because marriage is her goal. Now I seem to be the one ready to jump headfirst into marriage, and she is wanting to slow down and be ready.

Its more of a teasing thing for now, just an inside joke between us.

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