Am I right to be angry...?

[TotenKopf88]

I sincerely apologize for the length of my post. I just don't know where else to go for anonymous advice, and I feel a detailed summary would assist me in getting the best assistance from y'all. Because I have no idea what to do. I sincerely thank anyone who will stick with me through this whole summary and give their personal opinions. Y'all are the real MVPs.

 

 

I'll start off by saying we haven't had the official talk of establishing whether or not we are exclusive, but she comes on very strong, and has made it very clear she wants a serious relationship. I could see myself having a meaningful long-term relationship with this woman, but there are some aspects of her current and past life that cause me to hesitate in starting an official relationship. She has had several horrible relationships before, of which she won't discuss yet, and is a prior hard drug user(this in itself I am okay with because of my own history, but she still associates, and smokes marijuana, with a few individuals who she used to so these narcotics with, whereas I do not). I am also employed by the government, and currently live quite the distance away from her.

 

Now to the situation...

 

A past emotionally and possibly physically, abusive ex contacted her. She says she doesn't want to talk to him, has tried blocking his phone number, but claims it never works. In spite of this, she exchanged a few texts from him. She kept their conversation brief(I do not know what was said). She told me she was scared that he may do something, but she was used to her prior boyfriends harassing her. I tell her that her worries and fears are my own because I care about her. I ask if she wants to talk about this(she hasn't/won't, not sure which, disclose much about prior relationships), and she replies with "No, I'm used to it. He won't do anything... At least I hope he won't do anything. This is just something I need to deal with. It's okay, it's not something you need to worry about. Go to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

 

 

Since she made it quite clear she didn't want to discuss it with me, I went to bed because I had to get up in 5 hours and work a busy 12 hour shift tomorrow(again, I work for the gov't). When I awake in the morning, I have some interesting texts. I will sum it up below..

 

 

 

After she finished talking to me, she proceeded to drink large quantities of hard liquor(almost a whole fifth of 80 proof). She knows she doesn't handle the hard stuff well. She called a male friend after a while to see how he was doing. During their conversation she started to get a "headache", so she asked him to come over so they could smoke marijuana in hopes of relieving her "headache".(This is one of the issues I have with her life decisions. On top of that, me being a gov't employee, I am not okay with this. I just don't feel we're at a point where it would be appropriate to bring it up. I feel I will after this though).

About 2 hours or so later, she sends me a message saying she blacked out a while ago, and just woke up on the bathroom floor. (This exact situation had happened in the past and someone sexually assaulted her - separate issue). After this, her "headache" was apparently so bad that when her roommate got home, she and the male friend took her to the hospital where she had to be hooked up to an IV(this because of how much alcohol she consumed) and given some form medication to knock her out(for the headache).

 

 

 

After 14 hours of her going dark, she replied to a message I sent making sure that she was safe and okay. After this was established and some light small talk, I asked her why she did "this". She replies with something along the lines of "when I've done it before nothing has ever happened except blacking out..." I can only assume she thinks I'm referring to the alcohol consumption. Not the whole general situation consisting of the ex boyfriend, alcohol, and marijuana to which I am intentionally vaguely referencing. Is she being intentionally naïve, or was that my own fault?

 

 

 

I am not a possessive or controlling person. I am jovial and care-free, laid back by nature. Possibly to a fault. But we are both grown adults(albeit maybe I am more so than her). But at this point... I am angry. A little angry that she won't open up to me about her feelings and concerns in regards to this whole general situation, and angry at how she dealt with it. Am I right to feel angry? Is her getting drunk and doing illicit narcotics her way of "dealing" with a bad situation? I know many people consider marijuana to be a "safe" drug, but it bothers me that she associates with these people she used to do hard **** with even though she says she "only" smokes weed with them. I am aware that I need to have a very real conversation with her, but I am at a loss as to how to broach this/these subjects without discussing them in person. I never used FaceTime/Skype before I started talking to her, and am unsure as to the protocol. Video communication over electronics makes me uncomfortable.

 

 

Advice/opinions on any particular occurrence during this situation, or on how to handle and maintain an adult conversation when I discuss this with her is very much appreciated.

 

 

Again, y'all are the real MVPs out there.

[Redhead14]

I sincerely apologize for the length of my post. I just don't know where else to go for anonymous advice, and I feel a detailed summary would assist me in getting the best assistance from y'all. Because I have no idea what to do. I sincerely thank anyone who will stick with me through this whole summary and give their personal opinions. Y'all are the real MVPs.

 

 

I'll start off by saying we haven't had the official talk of establishing whether or not we are exclusive, but she comes on very strong, and has made it very clear she wants a serious relationship. I could see myself having a meaningful long-term relationship with this woman, but there are some aspects of her current and past life that cause me to hesitate in starting an official relationship. She has had several horrible relationships before, of which she won't discuss yet, and is a prior hard drug user(this in itself I am okay with because of my own history, but she still associates, and smokes marijuana, with a few individuals who she used to so these narcotics with, whereas I do not). I am also employed by the government, and currently live quite the distance away from her.

 

Now to the situation...

 

A past emotionally and possibly physically, abusive ex contacted her. She says she doesn't want to talk to him, has tried blocking his phone number, but claims it never works. In spite of this, she exchanged a few texts from him. She kept their conversation brief(I do not know what was said). She told me she was scared that he may do something, but she was used to her prior boyfriends harassing her. I tell her that her worries and fears are my own because I care about her. I ask if she wants to talk about this(she hasn't/won't, not sure which, disclose much about prior relationships), and she replies with "No, I'm used to it. He won't do anything... At least I hope he won't do anything. This is just something I need to deal with. It's okay, it's not something you need to worry about. Go to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

 

 

Since she made it quite clear she didn't want to discuss it with me, I went to bed because I had to get up in 5 hours and work a busy 12 hour shift tomorrow(again, I work for the gov't). When I awake in the morning, I have some interesting texts. I will sum it up below..

 

 

 

After she finished talking to me, she proceeded to drink large quantities of hard liquor(almost a whole fifth of 80 proof). She knows she doesn't handle the hard stuff well. She called a male friend after a while to see how he was doing. During their conversation she started to get a "headache", so she asked him to come over so they could smoke marijuana in hopes of relieving her "headache".(This is one of the issues I have with her life decisions. On top of that, me being a gov't employee, I am not okay with this. I just don't feel we're at a point where it would be appropriate to bring it up. I feel I will after this though).

About 2 hours or so later, she sends me a message saying she blacked out a while ago, and just woke up on the bathroom floor. (This exact situation had happened in the past and someone sexually assaulted her - separate issue). After this, her "headache" was apparently so bad that when her roommate got home, she and the male friend took her to the hospital where she had to be hooked up to an IV(this because of how much alcohol she consumed) and given some form medication to knock her out(for the headache).

 

 

 

After 14 hours of her going dark, she replied to a message I sent making sure that she was safe and okay. After this was established and some light small talk, I asked her why she did "this". She replies with something along the lines of "when I've done it before nothing has ever happened except blacking out..." I can only assume she thinks I'm referring to the alcohol consumption. Not the whole general situation consisting of the ex boyfriend, alcohol, and marijuana to which I am intentionally vaguely referencing. Is she being intentionally naïve, or was that my own fault?

 

 

 

I am not a possessive or controlling person. I am jovial and care-free, laid back by nature. Possibly to a fault. But we are both grown adults(albeit maybe I am more so than her). But at this point... I am angry. A little angry that she won't open up to me about her feelings and concerns in regards to this whole general situation, and angry at how she dealt with it. Am I right to feel angry? Is her getting drunk and doing illicit narcotics her way of "dealing" with a bad situation? I know many people consider marijuana to be a "safe" drug, but it bothers me that she associates with these people she used to do hard **** with even though she says she "only" smokes weed with them. I am aware that I need to have a very real conversation with her, but I am at a loss as to how to broach this/these subjects without discussing them in person. I never used FaceTime/Skype before I started talking to her, and am unsure as to the protocol. Video communication over electronics makes me uncomfortable.

 

 

Advice/opinions on any particular occurrence during this situation, or on how to handle and maintain an adult conversation when I discuss this with her is very much appreciated.

 

 

Again, y'all are the real MVPs out there.

 

First, how old is she?

 

is a prior hard drug user -- How long since the last time she did hard drugs?

 

is a prior hard drug user -- It appears she is now trading drug abuse for alcohol as her drug of preference or clinging to it if she was drinking heavily before. She needs some kind of crutch, alcohol is that for now.

 

Is her getting drunk and doing illicit narcotics her way of "dealing" with a bad situation? -- No question about it. Addictions very, very rarely exist in and of themselves. They are symptoms of a larger issue s that haven't been addressed. These are coping mechanisms.

 

still associates, and smokes marijuana, with a few individuals who she used to so these narcotics with, -- Very likely a big mistake for her . . . until she removes herself from this environment, the likelihood of reverting to narcotics is extremely high. In fact, I would seriously doubt that she isn't still doing drugs.

 

Anyone with her behavior should not be trusted. Alcoholics and drug users will manipulate and lie about anything so long as they can continue to do what they want to do. If an alcoholic or drug addict's lips are moving, they are lying.

 

She may be a very nice, charming woman while underneath lives a confused, angry, despondent damaged child wearing the mask of an adult.

 

Is she being intentionally naïve, or was that my own fault? -- It is the hazard of using texting instead of phone calls or face to face for having important conversations.

 

I am at a loss as to how to broach this/these subjects without discussing them in person -- Do not have a conversation like this via any other means than in person. Why can't you do it in person.

 

She has had several horrible relationships before, of which she won't discuss yet -- You are seeing the reason for those several horrible relationships and, at some point, you will be suffering the effects of those past experiences.

 

This woman is on a path to destruction. Unless you are a qualified psycho therapist, I recommend you move on. You will end up in a parenting role instead of a mutually satisfying relationship. She is very likely incapable of being the kind of partner anyone would need. Until she gets real with herself, she will be ruining her life and yours. Move on.

[MidwestUSA]

 

This woman is on a path to destruction. Unless you are a qualified psycho therapist, I recommend you move on. You will end up in a parenting role instead of a mutually satisfying relationship. She is very likely incapable of being the kind of partner anyone would need. Until she gets real with herself, she will be ruining her life and yours. Move on.

 

Quoted for emphasis.

 

OP, don't go there. Just don't.

[Robratory]

I read your account. I don't see how this relationship can work, and it's not just one thing. You have different lifestyles, for one. Additionally, she apparently has issues best addressed in therapy. And on top of that is how she's playing with fire by hanging out with her former fellow drug users. Oh, and the drama of previous relationships. Maybe you can explain this in a conversation, and maybe she'll listen, but you'll probably have to wish her well and say good-bye.

[ExpatInItaly]

Run like the wind, OP.

 

I don't see how this girl is a candidate for a stable relationship. There are far too many serious red flags: addiction, continued contact with ex-boyfriends (please don't fall for her line about blocking not working, as this is BS), men hovering around her. She isn't even your girlfriend yet and there's so much drama.

 

If you stay, this will not end well for you.

[Toodaloo]

Just walk away.

 

I had a stalker and I didn't exchange texts and I sure as heck wouldn't with an abusive ex.

 

This girls is worlds away from you.

 

Just walk away and keep walking.

[hippychick3]

For your own sake, you need to turn around and run...far away. Nothing good will come out of this for you. She needs intensive therapy and rehab that would require years of recovery.

 

You will almost surely regret continuing this "relationship" as your life will be a roller coaster of misery.

[TotenKopf88]

Thank you for all of your advice and opinions.

I don't know if anyone will look back on this, but I wanted to update a few things, and answer a few questions.

 

She is currently 21, I am 25.

She smoked meth for about a year when she was 18 until just before she was 19.

I am unable to have the conversation in person because im in the middle of moving to Germany for 2 years of work. this will be my second time being stationed overseas. She is in Idaho right now.

 

All of my close friends have reiterated every single thing that all of you said, with minor variations. She is supposed to fly out to come visit me in a month.. I wanted to discuss some of the issues I mentioned with her while she was here.. But the way she handled the exboyfriend scenario tells me I need to just skype her and flat out explain why I am angry at her actions. They were childish and immature, and that with me being employed by the gov't I cannot in good conscious be romantically involved with a drug user. Maybe not ever.. that lifestyle doesn't suit me, and individuals who use narcotics very rarely ever go anywhere in life. I am not the man who will baby things out of you, and I seriously disapprove of the way she so immaturely handled what seems to have been a difficult situation.

 

Is that more or less what I should say? Any additional advice? Hahaha

[LoveRefreshed]

Du musst jetzt schnell gehen! Das ist nicht gute, alter! Sie ist richtig spinnen.

 

Kein muschi ist für dass wert!

 

 

How's your German? Also off topic, are you a grateful dead fan?

[Methodical]

But the way she handled the exboyfriend scenario tells me I need to just skype her and flat out explain why I am angry at her actions. They were childish and immature, and that with me being employed by the gov't I cannot in good conscious be romantically involved with a drug user. Maybe not ever.. that lifestyle doesn't suit me, and individuals who use narcotics very rarely ever go anywhere in life. I am not the man who will baby things out of you, and I seriously disapprove of the way she so immaturely handled what seems to have been a difficult situation.

 

Is that more or less what I should say? Any additional advice? Hahaha

 

You've got a good handle on what to tell her. The only thing I'll suggest is to eliminate the "maybe not ever" bc that might be interpreted as future hope of a relationship with you and that's not in your best interest. Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for all of your advice and opinions.

I don't know if anyone will look back on this, but I wanted to update a few things, and answer a few questions.

 

She is currently 21, I am 25.

She smoked meth for about a year when she was 18 until just before she was 19.

I am unable to have the conversation in person because im in the middle of moving to Germany for 2 years of work. this will be my second time being stationed overseas. She is in Idaho right now.

 

All of my close friends have reiterated every single thing that all of you said, with minor variations. She is supposed to fly out to come visit me in a month.. I wanted to discuss some of the issues I mentioned with her while she was here.. But the way she handled the exboyfriend scenario tells me I need to just skype her and flat out explain why I am angry at her actions. They were childish and immature, and that with me being employed by the gov't I cannot in good conscious be romantically involved with a drug user. Maybe not ever.. that lifestyle doesn't suit me, and individuals who use narcotics very rarely ever go anywhere in life. I am not the man who will baby things out of you, and I seriously disapprove of the way she so immaturely handled what seems to have been a difficult situation.

 

Is that more or less what I should say? Any additional advice? Hahaha

 

You tell her that your life and your job are valuable to you and you cannot bring anything into that that even has the slightest possibility of impeding it. Ask her to cancel the visit and wish her well. Keep it short and sweet and do not entertain any emotional outpouring/outbursts. Go no contact immediately. It sounds harsh, but if you want to possibly contribute in even a small way to her getting on the path to emotional health and maturity, she needs to feel the bottom. Keeping in touch with her in anyway, doesn't reinforce reality for her about what her behavior means to being in a relationship.

 

She is only 21 years old and spent two years disrupting her emotional development by using mind altering substances. Using drugs like that stunt emotional growth. So, since she started using meth at 18, she will remain an 18 year old emotionally for a long time unless she gets help to address the underlying causes for the need to do drugs at all. It is likely that she is even younger than 18 emotionally if she's been abused in anyway as well.

[lolablue17]

The good news is that she's honest with you, other than trying to make a fake nice image of herself. The bad news is that this image is not so flattering.

 

Why don't people marry each other on the first day they meet? Because they need time to get to know each other, and to check whether this person is right for them to be a long time partner.

 

A girl who want a serious relationship, doesn't do those kind of things... But she did. You should decide whether it fits you. There is nothing to be angry with her. That's who she is.

[Redhead14]

The good news is that she's honest with you, other than trying to make a fake nice image of herself. The bad news is that this image is not so flattering.

 

Why don't people marry each other on the first day they meet? Because they need time to get to know each other, and to check whether this person is right for them to be a long time partner.

 

A girl who want a serious relationship, doesn't do those kind of things... But she did. You should decide whether it fits you. There is nothing to be angry with her. That's who she is.

 

trying to make a fake nice image of herself -- at her age and given her behaviors, being honest about herself is often more about finding a "rescuer" a "savior" a "crutch". "I've got problems, I need someone to help me". Sometimes women like this go from one relationship to another quickly and usually are attracted to people they "sense" are nurturers, givers, selfless, etc. in some way. They have an acute sense for that. The fact that she revealed she was seeing an ex and even alluded to the possibility that there could be a threat from him and then telling this man "not to worry about it", is planting a seed . . . playing on him. "I may need you to rescue me." Damsel in distress. It's manipulative coming from someone with her background/history.

[smackie9]

Her: Too young and too much baggage.....you are moving forward, have a promising career....you need to keep your head on straight and don't ruin your future. There will be mature, successful women coming your way. Dump and run.