Was I wrong to get upset?

[RebelWithoutACause]

So this morning this happened: I'm supposed to move permanently to my bf's country to live with him in a couple of months. The month I'm moving he has 2 work engagements in the US (we're in Europe). Which means he'll be gone for about a week, then fly back home for 4 days, then leave for the 2nd job. In total he'll be away for about 2 weeks. Which is fine.

 

Here's the problem, this morning he calls me and tells me that he has arranged another work thing in the US inbetween the other 2 jobs, which would mean he won't be home for almost 3 weeks during the first month I'm there. His explanation is he wants to avoid the jet lag.

 

So we got into a big fight, i got all emotional and broke up with him, he said he's sure things will work out and then he switched off his phone. I haven't talked to him all day. Nor do i want to. Am i wrong to be upset? I don't know his country very well, i don't know anybody else besides him there, i don't speak the local language. I just think he is being very unsupportive with my move and it's making me doubt whether he even wants me to move.

 

Any feedback is appreciated.

[Shining One]

As someone who has done some travel for work, adjusting back and forth between the two time zones in such a short period of time is very unpleasant. If I had two jobs lined up like he does, I would not fly back in between them, even if I didn't have a third job. That's two less international flights in a short period of time.

 

How do the time frames line up? Will he be gone when you get there, or does he leave after you get there? Is your move date set in stone or are you flexible?

[Redhead14]

So this morning this happened: I'm supposed to move permanently to my bf's country to live with him in a couple of months. The month I'm moving he has 2 work engagements in the US (we're in Europe). Which means he'll be gone for about a week, then fly back home for 4 days, then leave for the 2nd job. In total he'll be away for about 2 weeks. Which is fine.

 

Here's the problem, this morning he calls me and tells me that he has arranged another work thing in the US inbetween the other 2 jobs, which would mean he won't be home for almost 3 weeks during the first month I'm there. His explanation is he wants to avoid the jet lag.

 

So we got into a big fight, i got all emotional and broke up with him, he said he's sure things will work out and then he switched off his phone. I haven't talked to him all day. Nor do i want to. Am i wrong to be upset? I don't know his country very well, i don't know anybody else besides him there, i don't speak the local language. I just think he is being very unsupportive with my move and it's making me doubt whether he even wants me to move.

 

Any feedback is appreciated.

 

It's not wrong to be upset. It what you do with that "upsetment" that is important. You had a "knee jerk" reaction to the realization that his schedule was preventing you from seeing him for longer than you'd hoped and you broke up with HIM. You should be breaking up with the scenario not him, which would be to either delay your move, if possible, or simply accept that you are an adult. Yeah, it's new/strange place. So be it. If you've been so confident about the relationship and willing to move across the world, you should be confident enough to handle the new place on your own for a while. There will be lots to do to get settled and set up. It would've been a great thing for him to come back to a place that is set up and comfortable after a long time on the road.

 

If you're worried about not knowing the language well, start learning it beforehand. Go online and study maps of the area. Ask him to put in touch with friends he has there in order to help you get organized, etc.

 

Stop being reactionary and start being proactive. It's probably too late because you broke up with him, but . . .

[RebelWithoutACause]

As someone who has done some travel for work, adjusting back and forth between the two time zones in such a short period of time is very unpleasant. If I had two jobs lined up like he does, I would not fly back in between them, even if I didn't have a third job. That's two less international flights in a short period of time.

 

How do the time frames line up? Will he be gone when you get there, or does he leave after you get there? Is your move date set in stone or are you flexible?

 

We decided on the move date six months ago, at the time he knew only about the first job, a month ago the second job came up. If had told me right away he will not be coming back between the 2 gigs i would have been fine, i would have postponed my move a month or something. But he insisted he is coming back.

 

I guess I'm mostly disappointed about him making decisions without even talking to me first.

[RebelWithoutACause]

It's not wrong to be upset. It what you do with that "upsetment" that is important. You had a "knee jerk" reaction to the realization that his schedule was preventing you from seeing him for longer than you'd hoped and you broke up with HIM. You should be breaking up with the scenario not him, which would be to either delay your move, if possible, or simply accept that you are an adult. Yeah, it's new/strange place. So be it. If you've been so confident about the relationship and willing to move across the world, you should be confident enough to handle the new place on your own for a while. There will be lots to do to get settled and set up. It would've been a great thing for him to come back to a place that is set up and comfortable after a long time on the road.

 

If you're worried about not knowing the language well, start learning it beforehand. Go online and study maps of the area. Ask him to put in touch with friends he has there in order to help you get organized, etc.

 

Stop being reactionary and start being proactive. It's probably too late because you broke up with him, but . . .

 

I see your point. I really do. I know i did overreact (TBF i was in a very hormonal mood which didn't help) but that doesn't change the fact i feel he is being very unsupportive and nonchalant about me moving there. It's a obviously a BIG step for me.

 

And it is all happening on his terms. We'll live in his house which he's said he'll never move out of, he has a car I cannot drive (stick shift) and he told me if I want to drive i'd have to buy an automatic car myself. There are other things too. For example he has already booked his and his kids' summer vacation for this year without even discussing with me (although apparently i'm welcome to join them).

 

It's really not about the language, everybody there speaks English anyways, or the fact i don't know anybody, i will meet new people. It's about him not considering or acknowledging me. I'm tired of being treated like an afterthought. Again.

[Redhead14]

I see your point. I really do. I know i did overreact (TBF i was in a very hormonal mood which didn't help) but that doesn't change the fact i feel he is being very unsupportive and nonchalant about me moving there. It's a obviously a BIG step for me.

 

And it is all happening on his terms. We'll live in his house which he's said he'll never move out of, he has a car I cannot drive (stick shift) and he told me if I want to drive i'd have to buy an automatic car myself. There are other things too. For example he has already booked his and his kids' summer vacation for this year without even discussing with me (although apparently i'm welcome to join them).

 

It's really not about the language, everybody there speaks English anyways, or the fact i don't know anybody, i will meet new people. It's about him not considering or acknowledging me. I'm tired of being treated like an afterthought. Again.

 

Let's take this apart and approach it in pieces if you are willing . . . how long have you two been together? How did the relationship start and what has been the evolution?

[RebelWithoutACause]

Let's take this apart and approach it in pieces if you are willing . . . how long have you two been together? How did the relationship start and what has been the evolution?

 

We've been together for a couple of years. Met through a project we both worked on. Im in my 30s, he's 40s.

 

Things have never been smooth and we've broken up in the past. Mostly over his inconsiderate behavior. To be honest i know we are not the most compatible couple. But he has a lot of good qualities and I've always been willing to give things another go because i like him a lot. And i thought since we decided to move in together things had started going better. I guess not...

 

It's not like him to switch his phone off all day, even during previous rough patches. In a way I'm relieved I haven't had to talk to him today. In an other way though it sucks.

[Redhead14]

We've been together for a couple of years. Met through a project we both worked on. Im in my 30s, he's 40s.

 

Things have never been smooth and we've broken up in the past. Mostly over his inconsiderate behavior. To be honest i know we are not the most compatible couple. But he has a lot of good qualities and I've always been willing to give things another go because i like him a lot. And i thought since we decided to move in together things had started going better. I guess not...

 

It's not like him to switch his phone off all day, even during previous rough patches. In a way I'm relieved I haven't had to talk to him today. In an other way though it sucks.

 

When I read your original thread starting post, I was assuming that things were stable and you were comfortable with the relationship and maybe just succumbing to the pressure of such a big decision, however, I'm seeing more now and now thinking you may have made the right decision to break up with him.

 

But he has a lot of good qualities -- He probably does and so do you, and that's not enough. You can both be the greatest people in the world, but if there's no compatibility, it's not a relationship. It may be a relationship of convenience at best.

 

I, personally, would not move half way around the world for an unstable relationship.

 

You say the previous break ups were the result of him being inconsiderate. That's not changing. He's not changing, the relationship isn't going to change no matter where you go.

 

I find it interesting that when you broke up with him, he said "I'm sure things will work out" and he switched off the phone (that statement is about lip service). He shut you down with an "assumption clause". What I mean by that is you said you were ending it and he's thinking "yeah, sure. She's not going to stick to it." He's heard/been through it before and it just "works out" and likely goes back to just the way HE likes it. There have never been any consequences for him being inconsiderate (beyond a temporary break up).

 

In the future, when you have a concern or something that's troubling you, you tell them about it in a calm way and give them time to respond/accommodate. Leave it there for a bit. If they refuse to or don't start attempting to address or resolve it, you tell them again what you want or need and then apply consequences. And, if they stonewall you, you respond in kind and make them come to you. Talk, observe,apply consequences. After you get to the point of applying consequences and no improvement occurs. End it. Don't string yourself along forever.

 

Let's say he does call you and you decide to "try again". You tell him you're willing to do that, however, since he had been inconsiderate and unsupportive, you will delay the move for another X months. You set an internal alarm clock. If at the end of the X time, he's not demonstrating to you that he understands how his behavior affects you and making an attempt to resolve all that, you tell him you're moving on. You've given this plenty of opportunity. Draw a line in the sand.

 

Frankly, I'd stick with this break up and keep going.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Thanks for your reply, it helps to hear a different pov.

 

In the future, when you have a concern or something that's troubling you, you tell them about it in a calm way and give them time to respond/accommodate. Leave it there for a bit. If they refuse to or don't start attempting to address or resolve it, you tell them again what you want or need and then apply consequences. And, if they stonewall you, you respond in kind and make them come to you. Talk, observe,apply consequences. After you get to the point of applying consequences and no improvement occurs. End it.

 

I really don't think any consequences work with this guy. He's a very annoying combination of super laid back and super non-emotional. So whatever I say, or threaten (which is not even my style) i'll do if things don't change he says: "ok, if that's what you want". If i say I'm not moving, he says "OK let's stay long distance then".

 

I even think the whole move is mostly for me, i think he can very happily leave things the way they are. In fact for a long time he "wasn't sure" he wanted to live with me.

 

As much as I hate to say this, because I don't want to be cynical about relationships, but it seems that the person who cares less always has the upper hand.

 

Frankly, I'd stick with this break up and keep going.

I guess i will have to....

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your reply, it helps to hear a different pov.

 

 

 

I really don't think any consequences work with this guy. He's a very annoying combination of super laid back and super non-emotional. So whatever I say, or threaten (which is not even my style) i'll do if things don't change he says: "ok, if that's what you want". If i say I'm not moving, he says "OK let's stay long distance then".

 

I even think the whole move is mostly for me, i think he can very happily leave things the way they are. In fact for a long time he "wasn't sure" he wanted to live with me.

 

As much as I hate to say this, because I don't want to be cynical about relationships, but it seems that the person who cares less always has the upper hand.

 

 

I guess i will have to....

 

"ok, if that's what you want". If i say I'm not moving, he says "OK let's stay long distance then". -- This is something I call, surreptitious control. He's letting you string yourself along. He doesn't want to put any effort into it.

 

Do what needs to be done. Come here for support and to vent. You aren't losing a relationship, you're finding the relationship with yourself again . . . Be strong.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your reply, it helps to hear a different pov.

 

 

 

I really don't think any consequences work with this guy. He's a very annoying combination of super laid back and super non-emotional. So whatever I say, or threaten (which is not even my style) i'll do if things don't change he says: "ok, if that's what you want". If i say I'm not moving, he says "OK let's stay long distance then".

 

I even think the whole move is mostly for me, i think he can very happily leave things the way they are. In fact for a long time he "wasn't sure" he wanted to live with me.

 

As much as I hate to say this, because I don't want to be cynical about relationships, but it seems that the person who cares less always has the upper hand.

 

 

I guess i will have to....

 

Oh boy.

 

I have moved abroad (hence the username) and I moved alone. I didn't know anyone here in Italy nor did I speak Italian at that time. It was a major adjustment, to put it mildly!

 

I'm saying this because I think you need to very carefully consider whether it's worth it to uproot your life for someone who wasn't even keen on the idea of living together to begin with. If the relationship has a rocky history, moving abroad is likely to compound the problems. It's stressful enough as is, and is likely to add to the tension between you two.

 

I would only move with a sort of Plan B in mind, if you will. What happens if you get there and hate living there? Or if living with him doesn't work out? Or if you need help with the day-to-day things (getting a bank account, visiting the post office, etc) and he's not so helpful? I know English is widely spoken in many countries but you can't count on that always being the case. I live in Rome and while the level of English here is decent, I had to learn Italian to get by comfortably without needing to rely on a translator or hunting down an English-speaking employee at, for example, the bank.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you and he reach an agreement about you moving there?

[Robratory]

As much as I hate to say this, because I don't want to be cynical about relationships, but it seems that the person who cares less always has the upper hand.

 

You should be cynical about bad relationships. In a good relationship, both need to care equally about the relationship.

 

A European woman moving to her boyfriend's country, where English is not the local language but is widely spoken? I'm trying to think of a country that fits that description and that also respects women's rights, but I'm coming up empty. Maybe there is one, but I've read lots of horror stories about women whose boyfriend or husband completely changed once back in his own country. You may have dodged a bullet.

[Lorenza]

Of course you have the right to be upset. I was even upset when my first boyfriend refused to meet me at the airport when I was going to visit him on the other side of the world. Moving to another country when you have so little (just one person!) to rely on, is a lonely feeling. It should the most wonderful man you want to spend the rest of your life with to make a step of this magnitude. And you need to know he is ready to go through hardship helping you to adjust and settle, but he can't even be there the first month, so he won't be there when you nedd his help in other things either.

I moved to Norway where my dad and aunt lived and both didn't really care about my adjustment, so believe me, it was a hell of a year. And a lonely one. Dont move for him

[RebelWithoutACause]

I would only move with a sort of Plan B in mind, if you will. What happens if you get there and hate living there? Or if living with him doesn't work out? Or if you need help with the day-to-day things (getting a bank account, visiting the post office, etc) and he's not so helpful? I know English is widely spoken in many countries but you can't count on that always being the case. I live in Rome and while the level of English here is decent, I had to learn Italian to get by comfortably without needing to rely on a translator or hunting down an English-speaking employee at, for example, the bank.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you and he reach an agreement about you moving there?

 

I didn't/don't really have a plan b. I've lived in a few different countries and have always managed to "get a life" there so I wasn't that concerned about this aspect of the move. And I had been studying his language in my free time for past few months.

 

We decided that I will move because he has children who live with him half the time. Plus he likes his job. He likes his house. He likes his social circle. So he's said he is never ever moving. And I think he is right not if only for his kids and he is a very good dad to them.

[RebelWithoutACause]

You should be cynical about bad relationships. In a good relationship, both need to care equally about the relationship.

 

A European woman moving to her boyfriend's country, where English is not the local language but is widely spoken? I'm trying to think of a country that fits that description and that also respects women's rights, but I'm coming up empty. Maybe there is one, but I've read lots of horror stories about women whose boyfriend or husband completely changed once back in his own country. You may have dodged a bullet.

 

Haha, think north....

He lives in a great country from what I have experienced so far. The people are peaceful and low crime rates. I've never been concerned about the place itself. And i've never thought of him as a potential psychopathic murderer but you never know i guess...

[Redhead14]

I didn't/don't really have a plan b. I've lived in a few different countries and have always managed to "get a life" there so I wasn't that concerned about this aspect of the move. And I had been studying his language in my free time for past few months.

 

We decided that I will move because he has children who live with him half the time. Plus he likes his job. He likes his house. He likes his social circle. So he's said he is never ever moving. And I think he is right not if only for his kids and he is a very good dad to them.

 

he likes his job

 

He likes his house

 

He likes his social circle

 

he has children who live with him half the time -- I will commend him for making them a priority.

 

But where is/was the YOU in all this? Keep moving.

[RebelWithoutACause]

he can't even be there the first month, so he won't be there when you nedd his help in other things either.

 

This is what I thought and what upset me the most today. I understand he can't turn down job opportunities but when he is looking for ways to stay there longer than necessary is what is not cool with.

 

And btw, and this is not particularly relevant, but he is not even getting paid for his longer stay. His second client has agreed to cover his expenses for the extra days for some extra work for them...

[RebelWithoutACause]

he likes his job

 

He likes his house

 

He likes his social circle

 

he has children who live with him half the time -- I will commend him for making them a priority.

 

But where is/was the YOU in all this? Keep moving.

 

I've never felt like there is much room for me, although he claims im his biggest priority together with his kids. But at this point i think it's mostly words and little substance.

 

Somehow I thought moving in together will make things better because there is so much miscommunication in LDRs. And we get along when we're together. And I like him a lot. But guess this is not enough.

[Redhead14]

I've never felt like there is much room for me, although he claims im his biggest priority together with his kids. But at this point i think it's mostly words and little substance.

 

Somehow I thought moving in together will make things better because there is so much miscommunication in LDRs. And we get along when we're together. And I like him a lot. But guess this is not enough.

 

Somehow I thought moving in together will make things better -- This is the same line of thinking that couples who are struggling will use when they decide to have a baby to "save" the relationship.

 

I've never felt like there is much room for me -- there's too much room for you . . . and he's on one side, you're on the other.