ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I've finally hit the frickken ANGER stage. It's taken me a few months but tonight I am extremely angry at the ex. It's taking all my power to keep me from calling her and telling her what a piece of crap, low life SOB she is. (and she is!). It just hit me out of nowhere! I'm glad it's finally here because honestly, I know she doesn't ANY good man. She needs a swift kick in arse. (Sorry Lord).
IrrationalEmotions Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Wait, this is a positive step? I'm really angry at my ex all of the sudden for abandoning me and being so selfish, and I thought that I was regressing. I've never been angry before, and really for the last couple of weeks I have thought about it less, and all of the sudden now I'm really angry at her. So is this a good thing?
dawn duval Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I've been in the anger stage for a few days too -- welcome. Isn't it great?! I like it so much more than the pathetic "i can't live without him" stage. I've also resisted telling him exactly what I think of him, but it's fun to imagine what I would say...
chaos70 Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Whoa. Now that is mighty convenient...because I'm in the angry stage as well. OC took the words out of my mouth at what I want to do as well. And previous to that was the lamenting/blaming myself for the whole thing...why did she do this...and I want to work things out...etc. So what are the next phases? Please tell me that there isn't a retro phase where I go back to doing the stuff I did back in my early 20s.
Marshbear Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 yes. The anger stage is the second stage of healing. It is a logical part of getting over a loss. First your hurt and in denial that it's over. You want to see them and contact them and you still have hope that things will turn around. Then you finally realize that they are not coming back and you start to get angry at all the memories you have and things they said and did to you. My ex got angry at me probably a month after the break up and she is still there. SHe may not hate me now but she still dispices me and will not speak or look at me. It is soooo childish. After you realize that they are not worth you anger or thoughts about them then the real healing begins. You see them so much more clearly and it doesn't hurt much if you see them. It should get better and better now and you want to get out and meet new people and continue your life. Welcome to hating your ex COC. You are on your way. Peace...
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 The anger isn't always purely directed against your ex. In some ways, that stage is maybe about being angry with yourself too...for putting up with more than you should have, for not acting on your instincts, for staying overly long in a bad relationship and leaving it to the other person to take the initiative for finishing it. Anger for allowing the break up to affect you to the extent it did. All sorts of things. I think a bit of anger turned inwards is not such a bad thing either, provided it eventually dissipates. It's the first step towards really dissociating yourself from the person you were - ie that person who allowed so much of their happiness to depend upon the whim of another human being. Perhaps you only really get your heart broken once, because the healing process that comes afterwards turns you into a stronger individual who can tell the difference between loving someone and needing them.
millefiori Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I've finally hit the frickken ANGER stage. It's taken me a few months but tonight I am extremely angry at the ex. It's taking all my power to keep me from calling her and telling her what a piece of crap, low life SOB she is. (and she is!). It just hit me out of nowhere! I'm glad it's finally here because honestly, I know she doesn't ANY good man. She needs a swift kick in arse. (Sorry Lord). I've seen you quite angry for a while. In all your posts you have complained about your ex, how little she appreciated you, how much you had given and not got enough in return, how much better you are than her, how immature she is, how she will regret having lost you, how much better you are than her, etc. What do you mean with you're angry now? Where's the stage where you realize you had made mistakes and that it was maybe your clinginess that drove her away? It sucks when someone breaks up with you, but where is the realization that maybe you deserved it?
sweetadeline Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by millefiori where is the realization that maybe you deserved it? I think CIOC has grappled with this realization in a number of his posts, actually. Especially the ones reflecting on the reading he recommends.
millefiori Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by sweetadeline I think CIOC has grappled with this realization in a number of his posts, actually. Especially the ones reflecting on the reading he recommends. If he had fully realized it, he would stop bitching about his ex and calling her names or that she was so immature.
dgiirl Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by millefiori If he had fully realized it, he would stop bitching about his ex and calling her names or that she was so immature. It's part of the healing process. You flip flop between emotions, and even build yourself up by complaining about the other person. When he was saying all that stuff before, I dont think he really believed it, deep down inside. I think now he's finally believing it. I first took all the blame for a few months. Then this month I started getting really mad at everything he's done to me and I totally forgot my own faults. I think the anger is starting to go because I took out my wedding album for the first time. I smiled instead of cried. He says it was all a lie, but looking at those photos I know he's lying. I'm not insane. He was happy, and so was I. Sometimes, things dont work out. C'est la vie. But I'm not insane!
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by millefiori If he had fully realized it, he would stop bitching about his ex and calling her names or that she was so immature. He never bitched about her and he never called her names. Prove it. Send us a link to a post in which CIOC called her names. He's always been very courteous, even when people give him a hard time. (Calling someone immature is not name calling.) This is the first time he's come close to venting, and even now he's being very circumspect. I'm actually surprised by this, but I'm happy he's reached this phase. It's called catharsis for a reason... just listen to that stupid Alanis Morrissette album for more examples, if you want a woman's perspective on the matter. I think millefiori is just bitter about how an ex treated her... seems very defensive to me. Oh well, maybe she'll heal with time. But bitterness is hard to kick once you get used to the taste.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Prove it, baby. Don't hallucinate. That's what bitterness does to you.
CurlyIam Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I also happen to think this a huge step forward. Huge. Get bussy, run, buy a boxing sack, it's very important to let your anger ut, otherwise it will burst in the most peculiar moments and at people who don't desirve it. They don't call it anger management for nothing. I agree, it's like a kick in the arse that pushes you forward. However, take care, it's a highly emotional state, it involves the core of your feelings. When it's over, you'll be really low, because only then will you trully realise that they're out of your life. It's when you're most vulnerable, because you've let all the resentment and ager out... Take care, CIOC and keep us posted.
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 However, take care, it's a highly emotional state, it involves the core of your feelings. When it's over, you'll be really low, because only then will you trully realise that they're out of your life. It's when you're most vulnerable, because you've let all the resentment and ager out... Then it's time to retrieve your ex's less endearing qualities from your mind's recesses. All the cringeworthy or repulsive things you quickly dismissed from your consciousness when you were constrained by sensitivity, loyalty and the need to maintain a level of sexual attraction towards them.
soccorsilly Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I have not read the entire thread but it is OK. I remember that day in my life VERY well. It was a fleeting moment when I came to the realization that it was over and she had no desire to try and make it work for me, her, or our family. I took off my wedding rin (10 yrs) tossed it across the kitchen making a ding in the wall and said "There, it is off you gold digging c%$t." I HATE that word and will only use it in a good joke here or there and that is the ONLY time I ever used it. By the way, I think it was Jeff Foxworthy that said it was really an acronym: C-an't U-nderstand N-ormal T-hinkin'
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by millefiori I've seen you quite angry for a while. In all your posts you have complained about your ex, how little she appreciated you, how much you had given and not got enough in return, how much better you are than her, how immature she is, how she will regret having lost you, how much better you are than her, etc. What do you mean with you're angry now? Where's the stage where you realize you had made mistakes and that it was maybe your clinginess that drove her away? It sucks when someone breaks up with you, but where is the realization that maybe you deserved it? You haven't been reading all my posts if you think that....
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by millefiori If he had fully realized it, he would stop bitching about his ex and calling her names or that she was so immature. I haven't bitched about my ex in a while. I bring her up in relevant topics only. Thanks.
smile Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I think its great you are here in this angry stage. You have to go through all the stages in order to competely move on. You have to get through it all to let it go. And if some ppl cant see that then maybe they are still stuck in a stage and afraid to move on through bc they are afraid its the end. I have never commented on not agreeing with someone elses post bc it is their view and thats what this is about.. but this time instead of just being advice I dont agree with it kinda seemed like blame you dont deserve. Angry is good because it means you are finally thinking about yourself. You are no longer worrying what you did wrong or why she left you. You know who you are and you know what you deserve. You can't change the fact that she left and this anger stage helps you to get back on your feet and be YOU again. I , for one, have never noticed you being overtly angry or malicious towards your ex. At least no more than any average person here going through the same kind of emotional rollercoaster. It is normal. I used to have dreams about hitting my ex in the face or just tearing him to pieces like a ravenous hyena or something. I have said mean things to vent ... you have to get it out. If you bottled everything up you would either explode or just fade away. Now my ex and I are friends, and maybe even working things out.. but I had to get mad to get here. Your ex needs to realize that she messed up big time. My ex did and after my anger stage he has changed the way we communicate... he knew he messed up. He apologized. My anger stage allowed me to demand more from him when he did want to become friends. No matter what happens now is the time to focus on you. Dont go back to worrying about being too hard on her or being the reason she left you... dont let anyone have the power to make you backtrack now.. especially not someone posting here. Just keep on truckin.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer He never bitched about her and he never called her names. Prove it. Send us a link to a post in which CIOC called her names. He's always been very courteous, even when people give him a hard time. (Calling someone immature is not name calling.) This is the first time he's come close to venting, and even now he's being very circumspect. I'm actually surprised by this, but I'm happy he's reached this phase. It's called catharsis for a reason... just listen to that stupid Alanis Morrissette album for more examples, if you want a woman's perspective on the matter. I think millefiori is just bitter about how an ex treated her... seems very defensive to me. Oh well, maybe she'll heal with time. But bitterness is hard to kick once you get used to the taste. LOL. Thanks Westernxer. I don't know who who millefiori is (alpha's alter ego? lol), but she/he definitely does not know me very well. As for me, I am fine. I was angry last night but sad today. I AM indeed angry (and embarrassed) with myself for putting up with her for so long, for being blind to her faults and issues and for showering her with love and affection and spoiling her. My mistake for not being able to meter my enthusiasm for someone who had captured my heart and gave me feelings I, at one time, never thought were possible. But, there is some good of this. At least I am learning a lot more about who I am, learning to like myself (and I do!), building my self esteem, learning to set boundaries and most of all, I learned that I CAN love someone deeply. For that, I should be thanking her. I should also be thanking her from saving me from proposing to someone, at least IMHO, doesn't deserve a great guy like me. (Even her Mom says that!)
BigB Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Cool man, I could feel it coming on a little last night. Don't fight it, let it flow man. Don't try to be the "good Christian" and fight the anger, accept the anger, embrace it. You need to work through that s***. But don't call her and tell her off, this is something you need to work through, don't involve her. The next stage for me was indifference. Where I just didn't care anymore, it wasn't worth my time. You'll get there. Now, put some Metallica on the headphones, go to the gym, and kick the treadmill's ass.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by BigB Cool man, I could feel it coming on a little last night. Don't fight it, let it flow man. Don't try to be the "good Christian" and fight the anger, accept the anger, embrace it. You need to work through that s***. But don't call her and tell her off, this is something you need to work through, don't involve her. Agreed. I always try and be a good Christian and the good Christian in me knows she is a SIC (Sister in Christ) who has fallen from grace and needs the support of other Christians. However, she is a problem that is better attended to by OTHER Christians. The next stage for me was indifference. Where I just didn't care anymore, it wasn't worth my time. You'll get there. I hope soon. I hate when that feeling to call her comes on. But I'm sticking to the "I can go just one more day without thinking about calling her..." and it's working so far. She really doesn't deserve my time. Now, put some Metallica on the headphones, go to the gym, and kick the treadmill's ass. LOL, thanks. I recorded some more vocals last night for some Alice in Chains covers I am doing for a guy in Norway. I guess dude thinks I sing like Layne Staley (nobody does, but - shrug...). I'm spending a lot of time working on my original stuff too. Just recording riffs and melodies. It's definitely soaking up my "Ex" time
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