MoonPrismPower Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Hi there, I'm brand new here and really hope I'm posting in the right place. I'm finally reaching out after dealing with what I consider to be pretty sketchy behavior in regards to my boyfriend, for months. We've been together just over 5 years now, but for the past two years we've been living 800 miles apart due to temporary circumstances. Almost a year ago, his best buddy's then girlfriend got him a job where she works, and a month after that, broke up with his buddy. They seemed to become pretty good friends, which is obviously no big deal, I have no problem with him having female friends, but lately I've been noticing some huge red flags about their friendship. They're hanging out at least 3 times a week, going out to dinner, going bar hopping together and staying out well past last call, and during that time he's completely unreachable by text. He often doesn't even return a text until the following day. Not that long ago, he went out with her to get drinks after we'd had a really small argument about something pretty silly, and later told me that out of anger he stayed the night with her in a hotel room because he "didn't want to be alone" but he swears all they did was drunkenly pass out, but admits it was in the same bed. Now when they hang out, and I ask him what they did very casually, he doesn't really describe his nights with her in detail. He's very vague. I went to visit him 2 weeks ago, and he was showing me some photos on his phone, when he mistakenly came across a photo she sent wearing a barely-there dress. He promptly stopped showing me any more photos. And when I said it made me feel a little weird, he explained it away as her just wanting his opinion on an outfit for a date...which still seems a little weird. I've been really trying to be chill about all of this and trust him, because I know trust is so important but I'm starting to feel a little naive. I feel like a doormat. He spent the night before Valentine's day with her and stayed out so late he slept the entire day away and didn't spend much time with me. His birthday just came and went and I had some plans and surprises for him, but she took him out to an expensive dinner and then he spent all night with her without talking to me until the following day... I know that it's totally possible for men to have platonic relationships with women, but am I wrong for thinking all of this is going a little too far? When I bring it up, he immediately says I'm a damaged person ( I have a trauma history) and have horrible trust issues and am obviously insecure. He refuses to see it from my angle or validate my concerns. Never once has he even tried to make me feel better about any of this. I would really love any input on this situation! Am I a chump? Am I being possessive? Is he in the wrong? Do I need to chill? Help! Thanks for reaching reading!
Whoknew30 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I'm an Ex WW & I also have platonic male friends...I've never behaved that way with a man that is just my "friend". You're not being paranoid it's been thrown in your face. I've been drunk with male friends before but not in he same bed in a hotel room & not the same male friend all the time. Have you thought about a surprise visit? Let them go out & just pop up to where they are, you'll see with your own eyes either way. That's what I would do,
SSJROMANCE Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Oh my. I think I'm finally going to sell this bridge I own in Florida. Are you interested? I can make you a GREAT deal. How many red flags do you need? This is SO inappropriate I don't even know where to begin. It's beyond inappropriate. He has played you as a fool and quite honestly you have been acting like one. They are so a couple and he is so cheating on you it's not even funny. You have given him an inch and he has taken a mile. I think it's over for you and him. He cannot be trusted and he has betrayed you over and over and lied to your face about it. Walk away and LEARN from this mistake. He has NO respect for you. All the evidence is right in front of you.
Gigi2015 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Start going to dinner with a male friend...see him 3x per week, spend nights at his house and at a hotel, keep pictures of him in some cute boxer shorts or without his shirt on( that of course he was only seeking your opinion of how cute they are), shut-off your phone, don't respond to texts until the next morning...especially when you're with him....all while in an LDR with your boyfriend.... Time to wake up! I get you're insecure about being damaged do to past trauma....and he's using this to get his way. Are there any boundaries to your relationship? Would he be ok if YOU were the one that were doing all those things? Would you do all those things if you were trying to protect your bond with him?
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I am afraid your relationship is over...and you should get out. This ship has sailed...but in your next relationship...you have to set boundaries. 1
SJS Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Even if he's NOT cheating, he's choosing her over you... 2
oldshirt Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Will you wake up when they post their honeymoon pictures from the beach in the Bahammas or will it take them posting baby pictures before you catch on that you have been replaced and left along the side of the side of the road a long time ago? 1
oldshirt Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 ... So move on with your own life and start doing your own thing and date whoever else you want. He/they won't even notice let alone care. Your relationship ended a long time ago. You just haven't got the memo yet. I am sorry. Walk away and start doing your own thing and stop chasing this windmill.
flickofthecoin Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Are you being possessive? No. Is he in the wrong? Definitely. Do you need to chill? Definitely NO! GET OUT (or at the very least, get confrontational). I can tell you from very painful and personal experience that an intoxicated 'taken' man sleeping in the same bed with an inebriated female friend leads to sex. I can also tell you that once your significant other chooses to spend a significant proportion of his time on one person who is NOT YOU, then he is cheating YOU of a committed partner whether or not he has stuck his ding dong into a reciprocating hole. No female I know would send a picture of themselves in a barely-there outfit to guy friends EVER - Not unless they wanted some bed action. These are very legitimate concerns. Don't let him force you to feel bad about them. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I would really love any input on this situation! Am I a chump? Am I being possessive? Is he in the wrong? Do I need to chill? Help! Cheating would be the least of my concerns. I'd have no desire to stay with a partner that treated me so poorly and made me such a low priority regardless of fidelity. I'm finally reaching out after dealing with what I consider to be pretty sketchy behavior in regards to my boyfriend, for months. "Boyfriend" seems an inaccurate description since he already has a another girlfriend ... Mr. Lucky
ShatteredLady Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 My best friend is male. We've been friends forever. In the past I've got rolling drunk with him & passed out at each others places. I've NEVER sent him photos of me in suggestive clothing!! I never even sent him pics of my wedding dress. He's a bloke! He doesn't care! There's only 1 reason to send suggestive photographs. I'm sorry.
Zahara Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I know that it's totally possible for men to have platonic relationships with women, but am I wrong for thinking all of this is going a little too far? No, you're not wrong. It's possible for men to have friendships with women but within certain boundaries. There's a lot more to this than a friendship When I bring it up, he immediately says I'm a damaged person ( I have a trauma history) and have horrible trust issues and am obviously insecure. He refuses to see it from my angle or validate my concerns. Never once has he even tried to make me feel better about any of this. It's called gaslighting. Common with cheaters. Twisting the truth to make you doubt yourself. It's working. He's turned it on you so now you're sitting there questioning your actions when he is the one that is in the wrong. It takes the focus off him. I would really love any input on this situation! Am I a chump? Am I being possessive? Is he in the wrong? Do I need to chill? Help! Yes, a chump. He's pulled the wool over your eyes. Too many blatant flags and you're still unsure of yourself.
The D Train Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 My .02 - he's definitely getting this girl's legs in the air. I'd bet my life savings on it.
WasOtherWoman Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Be thankful you are not married, walk away and don't look back.
Try Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Not that long ago, he went out with her to get drinks after we'd had a really small argument about something pretty silly, and later told me that out of anger he stayed the night with her in a hotel room because he "didn't want to be alone" but he swears all they did was drunkenly pass out, but admits it was in the same bed. So after a fight with you, he rents a hotel room and sleeps in the same bed with her because he "didn't want to be alone"? Really? That is not even a good lie. I've been really trying to be chill about all of this and trust him, because I know trust is so important but I'm starting to feel a little naive. I feel like a doormat. Trust, real trust, must be earned and not given. You are a "naive" "doormat" if he has you believing otherwise. QUESTION: How does a cheater say "scr*w you"? ANSWER: They say trust me. He spent the night before Valentine's day with her and stayed out so late he slept the entire day away and didn't spend much time with me.His birthday just came and went and I had some plans and surprises for him, but she took him out to an expensive dinner and then he spent all night with her without talking to me until the following day... He dumped you on Valentine's day. He also dumped you on his birthday to spend it with her, and does not even talking to you? Sorry but you are not his girlfriend anymore. My only question is why he has not told you.
Gigi2015 Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 So after a fight with you, he rents a hotel room and sleeps in the same bed with her because he "didn't want to be alone"? Really? That is not even a good lie. Trust, real trust, must be earned and not given. You are a "naive" "doormat" if he has you believing otherwise. QUESTION: How does a cheater say "scr*w you"? ANSWER: They say trust me. He dumped you on Valentine's day. He also dumped you on his birthday to spend it with her, and does not even talking to you? Sorry but you are not his girlfriend anymore. My only question is why he has not told you. Or better...why haven't you picked up on all this? You want to prove you're damage-free so you put up with this? Time for IC. Hugs....
Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 Hi MPP, guess you know LDRs don't work. He's a guy and probably needs sex a lot. He won't get it with you sitting so far away and this girl is right there. She probably had a thing for him even when she was with her previous BF which is why she helped get him a job at her company and subsequently dumped her BF to be with him. Fact is both are cheaters and will cheat on each other in the future when they get bored of one another. So cheer up, you've just avoided a minefield. Find a great guy where you are living now and say bye to your ex BF. Warm wishes.
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