"Dumped" after two great dates

[katiegrl]

Well, I was bummed she canceled that on me, and intimated as much. I'm human. I told her it wasn't all about the sex, that I was looking forward to playing my music for her, cuddling, etc. I was chill about it, just up front.

 

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OD, we're all here to learn, aren't we? From our own experiences (in retrospect) and others?

 

It's fine to be disappointed! Anyone would have been, you like her! And were looking forward to the date!

 

But there is a way to express that disappointment without coming off as making her feel guilty, which IMO is what you did when you told her you felt stupid.

 

Why not just say "well I'm disappointed, but completely understand."

 

And Ms. Peach's advice re how to handle the texting situation was right on as well IMO.

 

It's okay to feel anxious we ALL do. But you want to contain that anxiety, at least for awhile... otherwise you take the risk of coming off as needy and a bit demanding.... and if you really like someone, why take that chance?

 

Contain, contain, contain... as my late my mom used to say "some things are just better left unsaid." At least until the RL has a chance to bloom and trust is developed.

[thecrucible]

OK. Listen, I'm just talking to someone. This is how I feel when this happens. Enough to scare someone off? Fine. Again, I'm not seeing a "next time", but I'll try to keep it more controlled.

 

Well, I was bummed she canceled that on me, and intimated as much. I'm human. I told her it wasn't all about the sex, that I was looking forward to playing my music for her, cuddling, etc. I was chill about it, just up front.

 

See, to me, to have said, "No problem, yeah, we'll see a movie instead!" would have felt phony. Whatever. I appreciate your response.

 

Maybe by making a formal arrangement, it turned sharing a room into a big thing (but I could also be projecting myself onto her so you could totally ignore my comment here). Sometimes it's better to play it by ear and be more spontaneous - it feels like less pressure from the other party and you can relax more. But I understand these situations are difficult to gauge and as you said, you had positive feedback from her.

 

I don't think it's about hiding anxieties either. I have an anxiety disorder myself and I express it with humour and yeah I make people laugh by poking fun at myself (never genuinely putting myself down though). I just know that if I am worried, then I actually get worse if I try to suppress it. I actually feel free in myself now. I am human and free to express my emotions good or bad. I accept that I will make the odd error. Anyway my point is that sometimes if you are less focused on what you say or do and instead focus on having a good time and making the other person feel good, you are less likely to feel like you have made any kind of mistake in your interactions.

 

I still think you should be less hard on yourself. It's good to be the kind of person who wants to express affection. But then other people have different ways of expressing themselves and this can be hard to navigate in a relationship. It doesn't mean you have to worry that you've done something wrong - it's just that they experience things differently. Best to be positive and give the benefit of the doubt in the early stages and just enjoy yourself imo.

[Oregon_Dude]

Why not just say "well I'm disappointed, but completely understand."

I basically did, katie.

 

Anyway, I made mistakes but IMO they were totally forgivable. But again, I'm not going to argue with good advice.

[frus69]

I don't think you did anything wrong OP. She broke it off because of her problems not because you "opened up" or "got vulnerable". You made mistakes? What mistakes??

 

 

She probably isn't over her ex, or simply changed her mind due to whatever happened to her. Nothing to do with your character, certainly no need to take it so personally.

 

 

Wait till you meet the right girl, you will understand why it didn't work out with all the other ones.

[Oregon_Dude]

You made mistakes? What mistakes??

Being too honest and forthright, apparently.

 

Thank you for your comment, it's really what I need to hear tbh.

[Miss Peach]

I think that there is a lot of pressure on men to be 100% perfect in dating. We are human, we make mistakes. And I can tell you that some women forgive men a lot more egregious actions.

 

But I'm not here to argue with advice, and I do appreciate it. I just hate that small mistakes can make someone write someone off who is otherwise a good person.

 

I totally agree with this. I think there is pressure on both sides. I also see both genders write off their dates for wrong impressions that might be totally off base. I've had guys pass judgement on me for things like which toenail polish I chose to wear to a date.

 

Do you mean that if he played it cool you would have moved on, or that if he said some of the things I did, you would have moved on?

 

Really minor mistakes in my opinion, but then again I'm defensive today.

 

I was searching for a relationship with a guy who could be reliable, kind, honest, etc. So I was looking at the guys who were really into me and trying to eliminate the guys who put me in the casual or fun time category ASAP. My experience with guys who really care and want to be your BF is they will act like a BF before it becomes official.

 

My BF was worried about giving me enough space because he's had women run off on him and he didn't want that to happen to me. But the thing is he gave me so much space and played it so cool I almost wrote him off as not interested enough in me because he wasn't doing the types of things guys who are interested do. He wasn't doing the BF type stuff as time went on. I had three other men chasing me at the time. He was leaving me plenty of time to talk and date the other guys. If he hadn't stepped up his effort when he did and make it very clear he was serious about me, I probably would have picked one of the other guys over him.

[frus69]

Being too honest and forthright, apparently.

 

Thank you for your comment, it's really what I need to hear tbh.

 

Don't listen if people are telling you to be cool and withhold your feelings. What you should do is find a girl who loves you for being honest and forthright.

 

 

I really don't like if after a few dates I still have to guess "does he like me? cant tell, he too cool"

[Oregon_Dude]

^ And you're a woman, to boot! Awesome.

 

Thank you. I think the thing that drove this one off was simply me stating my preferences. For someone who "really liked" me, she bounced immediately.

 

I do think I need to learn how to manage my dating anxiety. I am honestly still scratching my head, though, that she disappeared on me after we were both admittedly excited about getting to know each other.

[katiegrl]

Don't listen if people are telling you to be cool and withhold your feelings. What you should do is find a girl who loves you for being honest and forthright.

 

I really don't like if after a few dates I still have to guess "does he like me? cant tell, he too cool"

 

Of course he should find a girl who loves him (we all want to find that)....however it takes awhile for love to develop, and you don't want to come on too strong, or too anxious, or needy, or controlling or whatever before that love has had a chance to develop.

 

He (or anyone) may not even mean to come off that way, but it's important to be cognizant of how the other person is interpreting what you're expressing. Again, she doesn't know him after only two dates.

 

I am not saying OD came off that way.... but a couple of his comments (as referenced earlier) might have been a little too much after only two dates.

 

As far as him telling her how much he liked her? That was totally cool!!

 

It was the other two about the texting (his anxiety) and how he told her she essentially made him feel stupid by breaking the date.

Edited February 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[Oregon_Dude]

It was the other two about the texting (his anxiety) and how he told her she essentially made him feel stupid by breaking the date.

Yeah. Men have done far worse and still gotten third dates. I'm just not going to agree on this one that I crossed a huge line. Sure, I'll be more careful in the future, but she didn't even want to talk about this and didn't give me a chance.

[katiegrl]

Yeah. Men have done far worse and still gotten third dates. I'm just not going to agree on this one that I crossed a huge line. Sure, I'll be more careful in the future, but she didn't even want to talk about this and didn't give me a chance.

 

Yeah you're probably right.

 

It may have been what finally tipped her hand....but perhaps she just wasn't feeling it as much as you to begin with (again, sorry!).

 

So yeah I agree. Perhaps you did overestimate her connection like you said earlier.

 

Who knows, it could be anything.

 

Again, I'm sorry, dating (finding the right person) is really hard sometimes.

 

Feel better OD.

[Redhead14]

"I was emotionally open and talked about texting, how I like her and other things. She texted me after: "After our conversation, I realized we have different expectations from a relationship. Good luck!"

 

"After our conversation, I realized we have different expectations from a relationship. Good luck!" -- I don't know what you said specifically that was about the type of relationship you want, except that it was probably clear to her you were looking for a relationship. Perhaps, she wasn't and really did only want a hook up, and started realizing you were serious and opted to move on rather than get you more deeply invested. So, she liked you enough to not string you along.

 

It's a good idea to have conversation early, 2nd date is ok, about what each party is looking for in terms of their dating goals. That may have eliminated confusion. If you did that and were on the same page, that's all you can do.

 

Maybe you were too invested too soon and it came across. And, there isn't anything wrong with that, you just have to learn to manage it. Control it a little, give it a little at a time instead of emptying both barrels Don't beat yourself up over it, learn from it, and manage it next time. Baby steps . . .

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't know what you said specifically that was about the type of relationship you want, except that it was probably clear to her you were looking for a relationship. Perhaps, she wasn't and really did only want a hook up, and started realizing you were serious and opted to move on rather than get you more deeply invested.

Lol, if she did just want a hookup, she would have stuck with the hotel room plan.

 

Also on our date she mentioned wanting children at some point. In my interpretation, that means meeting the right person to do that with.

 

I don't think this girl knows what she wants, except for someone to keep chasing. Me putting my feelings out there ended the chase, I guess.

 

I have to exercise now, I am going f-ing insane.

[lana-banana]

I told her that

 

- I probably wasn't going to text her much, because she takes forever to respond, and this causes me anxiety, rightly or wrongly. Told her that the last girl I dated did this and it made me anxious.

 

This alone would have been enough to turn me off a guy I really liked. I can easily see myself getting caught up in the moment after a first or second date, agreeing to book a room together, then going home and Whoa! What the hell am I thinking? I would still want to see him, though. But this text would have completely killed it for me. I would have interpreted it as blaming me for your anxiety about texting and somehow trying to get me to text more. You cannot make me responsible for your emotional well-being after just two dates. Besides, I don't even like texting in the first place; a catty comment about how I don't respond quickly enough would turn me off for good.

 

Don't get me wrong. I know you didn't mean it that way, and you were just trying to set expectations. I understand that. It's just the way you phrased it. If you had made a joke about civilizations rising and falling in the time it takes for me to respond, I probably would have laughed. As it is the message you sent sounded needy and pushy.

 

- canceling on me for the night we were going to spend (which was mutual - we were both stoked for it) made me feel kind of stupid, and that while it's cool, to feel free to say 'no' to something that makes her uncomfortable instead of just going along with things.

 

She may have genuinely been into it before she realized this was a guy she barely knew. Like I said, I can see getting caught up like that. It happens to everyone. I don't think this is much of a sin as far as text messages are concerned, but it is a tad preachy.

 

- I was looking forward to seeing her around once a week, and excited to see where things went

 

This is nowhere near as problematic as the first one, but it would still elicit a "WTF" from me. It's the "around once a week" part that does it. I mean, if I meet someone I really like, I start seeing him about once a week or even more until we're official and so on. It just happens. But someone outright saying "hey, I like you, I intend to see you once a week" would make me feel like I'd just hired a personal trainer. I would think you had put your cart way before the horse and were already trying to formalize our connection into a relationship. After just two dates that's a bit much.

 

I'm going to say it wasn't your honesty that did you in, it was the way you came across. Your posts here make it clear that you're a kind and thoughtful person who wants a serious, committed relationship. But those text messages sound passive-aggressive, clingy, needy, and desperate. No matter how magical our time together was I would have broken it off too.

[Robratory]

I think the thing that drove this one off was simply me stating my preferences. For someone who "really liked" me, she bounced immediately.

 

I do think I need to learn how to manage my dating anxiety. I am honestly still scratching my head, though, that she disappeared on me after we were both admittedly excited about getting to know each other.

 

I'm not criticizing you, and I've already said you shouldn't kick yourself over this, but from what you say, I think you did raise red flags that virtually any woman would find concerning. For one, there's the anxiety thing. It's just not advisable to admit to an anxiety problem by a second date. Because they know you so little, that's bound to loom large in their estimation of you.

 

Also, in the first few days of a relationship, a strong attraction can quickly turn into a strong repulsion. I've gone through that myself, being attracted and then suddenly not. The only thing you can do is be upfront about it, and it seems that's what this woman did.

 

You're naturally disappointed, but she did nothing wrong, and sorry, it was not because you were honest nor because you stated your preferences. You don't need to learn to act "cool," but I think you do need to be a little more careful easing into a relationship.

[Redhead14]

Lol, if she did just want a hookup, she would have stuck with the hotel room plan.

 

Also on our date she mentioned wanting children at some point. In my interpretation, that means meeting the right person to do that with.

 

I don't think this girl knows what she wants, except for someone to keep chasing. Me putting my feelings out there ended the chase, I guess.

 

I have to exercise now, I am going f-ing insane.

 

I was hoping to just spin it in a way that might be more palatable for you

 

except for someone to keep chasing. Me putting my feelings out there ended the chase, I guess. -- Well, this could be a viable conclusion. Yeah, she wanted you to chase her, and you started to, so the fun was over. But, if that were the case, she would have just kept taunting you, playing with you, etc. instead of cutting it off. Unless . . . she cut you off hoping you'll be so enamored as to ignore it and forge on and fuel her massive ego

 

Go exercise, it's just what the doctor would order!