"Dumped" after two great dates

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

You are all right though, I f-ed this one up.

Not necessarily. I mean you really should look honestly at the way things went down and anything you might have said or done that could have been counterproductive to what you really wanted. I don't think it's right to either say "I f***ed up" OR "she was a flake." Maybe either or but probably not, probably more like 2 people navigating something vulnerable and tricky and it just didn't turn out the way you would have liked.

 

If she were "right" or whatever, she probably wouldn't have run away, though.

I agree with that!

[Oregon_Dude]

you really should look honestly at the way things went down and anything you might have said or done that could have been counterproductive to what you really wanted.

Well, I was wholly honest in our conversation. One can debate whether or not the following points should have been brought up so early in our dating, but my feeling is that sometimes it's best to put expectations up front, and if people can't meet them, not continuing is best. I told her that

 

- I probably wasn't going to text her much, because she takes forever to respond, and this causes me anxiety, rightly or wrongly. Told her that the last girl I dated did this and it made me anxious.

 

- canceling on me for the night we were going to spend (which was mutual - we were both stoked for it) made me feel kind of stupid, and that while it's cool, to feel free to say 'no' to something that makes her uncomfortable instead of just going along with things.

 

- I was looking forward to seeing her around once a week, and excited to see where things went

 

I guess this can all be a bit much. I should have been more restrained in retrospect. I guess I just got carried away. When we were together, she was more than clear about how much she liked me. Chemistry was electric. So I didn't feel it was a huge risk to say these things, as I thought the feeling was mutual.

 

It leaves me wondering if she was just BS'ing me. I don't really think the things I said were that bad. However, I regret calling her. I just wanted to clear the air, as texting wasn't really working for us.

 

I feel like a complete idiot and I wish I could do it over. One of the only dating experiences in my life where I feel like I totally pushed someone away because I was too honest with them.

[katiegrl]

- I probably wasn't going to text her much, because she takes forever to respond, and this causes me anxiety, rightly or wrongly. Told her that the last girl I dated did this and it made me anxious.

 

- canceling on me for the night we were going to spend (which was mutual - we were both stoked for it) made me feel kind of stupid

 

After only two dates, this^^ might have been a little much.

 

JMO.

[Robratory]

I told her that

 

- I probably wasn't going to text her much, because she takes forever to respond, and this causes me anxiety, rightly or wrongly. Told her that the last girl I dated did this and it made me anxious.

 

- canceling on me for the night we were going to spend (which was mutual - we were both stoked for it) made me feel kind of stupid, and that while it's cool, to feel free to say 'no' to something that makes her uncomfortable instead of just going along with things.

 

- I was looking forward to seeing her around once a week, and excited to see where things went

 

You know, I don't think there's a way of saying those things delicately.

 

The first thing, if I were in her place, I would think, "Wow, two dates and he's scolding me for not texting him back promptly?" If you're sending texts of no particular importance, give her as much room as she gives you, and don't send a second text until receiving a reply to the first. And in any case, never tell a girl you're not going to contact her as much. Just don't contact her as much.

 

I agree that we should make our wishes known, but the talk about the canceled plan also comes across as scolding. It might have been a better idea to see if that actually was behavior pattern of hers (going along instead of saying no), and to then bring it up about something less touchy, like "You should have said you didn't like this movie instead of going along with renting it."

[Oregon_Dude]

Yes, I know. I feel dumb enough as it is. Rarely do I wish I could turn back time, but this is one of those.

[Robratory]

Oh, well, if saying things like that is not a recurring pattern, then don't kick yourself and get back on the horse!

 

I once told a girl, in reply to her question, that I was an "Orthodox atheist." I was being funny because the term is absurd, of course. It turned out that she was quite religious, so she we didn't go out on a second date.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I know. I feel dumb enough as it is. Rarely do I wish I could turn back time, but this is one of those.

 

Don't beat yourself up too bad OD... just another lesson learned, right?

 

If it was meant to be....it would have been.

 

It just wasn't.... and you may have saved yourself a worse heartbreak later had you continued dating her.

[Oregon_Dude]

Oh, well, if saying things like that is not a recurring pattern, then don't kick yourself and get back on the horse!

I think that I made the mistake of being confident in the fact that she liked me, and that stating my communication preferences would not be so detrimental as to actually push her away.

 

After all, if she had expressed to me that she likes a little more texting in dating, I wouldn't have run away if I liked her. I would have said, "oh, cool" and maybe texted a little more, or expressed my preference for verbal communication.

 

I do see how she could feel lectured. I overestimated our connection. Thought I could be up front when we weren't there yet. The optimistic part of me thinks the whole experience was a time-saver and prevent-er of future heartbreak.

[katiegrl]

I think that I made the mistake of being confident in the fact that she liked me, and that stating my communication preferences would not be so detrimental as to actually push her away.

 

After all, if she had expressed to me that she likes a little more texting in dating, I wouldn't have run away if I liked her. I would have said, "oh, cool" and maybe texted a little more, or expressed my preference for verbal communication.

 

I do see how she could feel lectured. I overestimated our connection. Thought I could be up front when we weren't there yet. The optimistic part of me thinks the whole experience was a time-saver and prevent-er of future heartbreak.

 

One thing I have learned is that in these very early stages of dating, feelings are very fluid and can change on a dime.

 

I am sure she did feel very connected.... and no you didn't underestimate that....what you underestimated was that again, in these very early stages, feelings are fluid and the slightest thing can tip the hand in the other direction, which is I think what happened here unfortunately.

 

It was just too much too soon.

[Redhead14]

Met this girl from OKC, had a great coffee date, then another great date last night. Tons of making out, touching stuff, no sex though. We had plans to shack up in a room on Friday, which she canceled, saying she'd feel more comfortable taking things slow.

 

I called her, we just talked, I was emotionally open and talked about texting, how I like her and other things. She texted me after: "After our conversation, I realized we have different expectations from a relationship. Good luck!"

 

This is someone I was excited about. The rug has been pulled out from under me yet again. I know, you shouldn't future-trip or expect anything, but I think we're all guilty of getting ahead of ourselves from time to time.

I guess I came on too strong, but I thought we were on the same page. I'm posting here because my friends are asleep and I have no one to talk to at the moment. Just wanting to know if this may have happened to you recently and what I should maybe do in the future.

 

I feel like I've been kicked in the f-ing balls for the hundredth time. I had really high hopes for this girl, and I feel like I messed this up by being too emotionally vulnerable. I thought it would be OK but clearly it backfired. Really liked this one.

 

What are you really upset about? The fact that she moved on or the fact that your plan for becoming intimate went away? I'm not being mean, I just want to you evaluate this closely. You hadn't spent enough time with her to be so "connected" and knowing she was the "one".

 

shack up -- is kind of a "disrespectful term for deciding you really like a woman, are hoping for more with her and taking it to another level by adding intimacy . . .

 

If you really like the woman and you book a room so that you can be intimate with her after only the second date, regardless of whether she seems to be up for that, it doesn't send a good message. On top of that, she declined and you ran after her. I'd say it came across as begging.

 

What should you do next time? Manage your emotions and expectations. Date a woman for more than 2 dates before suggesting intimacy and setting it up, make sure you're on the same page by having good clear, open, communication instead of "thinking" you were on the same page -- unless you are a mind-reader. What you "think" is not necessarily what "they" are thinking . . .

[Oregon_Dude]

Thanks katie. I just hate the idea that I single-handedly screwed this up. I'd like to think that if it was "meant to be" (an idea I'm not sure if I fully believe in), none of the things I mentioned would have been so scary or pushed her away. I'd like to think that if she actually liked me, she'd still want to go out, even if I said some things she didn't necessarily agree with. I think that this girl was too quick to bounce. And I bear responsibility for it. Just not all the responsibility.

 

We expect people to be perfect in the early stages. I messed up, I guess, but that doesn't mean we couldn't have worked it out.

 

I know, I know, I won't even care about this in a week. But the regret stuff is eating at me in a way I haven't felt, maybe ever. And I didn't even do anything that "wrong".

[Oregon_Dude]

shack up -- is kind of a "disrespectful term for deciding you really like a woman, are hoping for more with her and taking it to another level by adding intimacy . . .

 

If you really like the woman and you book a room so that you can be intimate with her after only the second date, regardless of whether she seems to be up for that, it doesn't send a good message. On top of that, she declined and you ran after her. I'd say it came across as begging.

 

What should you do next time? Manage your emotions and expectations. Date a woman for more than 2 dates before suggesting intimacy and setting it up, make sure you're on the same page by having good clear, open, communication instead of "thinking" you were on the same page -- unless you are a mind-reader. What you "think" is not necessarily what "they" are thinking . . .

I'm upset that she ended us abruptly. As far as the shacking up, it was an idea we were both excited about, since we both currently live at home and don't have somewhere to spend alone time. This was after getting all hot and heavy in the car. So, as far as sending a message, just know that she was, at the time, down for it as much as I was. Honestly the whole idea of a "room" was just somewhere to hang out. We can only bar-hop for so long. Plus I don't even drink.

 

Begging? Maybe. I called her just to touch base after the plans changed. You have to understand that as far as I understood, we were both in the same excited place.

 

There's no answer here except for what to do next time, and right now, I don't see a next time with anyone.

[darkbloom]

OD-- I love you! It's been awhile since I've seen you on these boards.

 

I'm sorry she ended it. I had something very similar happen. But think of the bright side, if those things you discussed on the first and second date scared her away, imagine what would have happened if you two actually had to deal with something serious. Sounds like she wouldn't have been able to handle it.

 

Everything will work itself out. And don't take it personal. It's not like you said anything terrible or worrisome.

 

We are here for you.

[Miss Peach]

Anyway, it was a huge surprise to have gotten such a negative reaction. Usually I can tell when things are mutual. IDK. I feel like I messed it up, but I wasn't planning our marriage or anything.

 

My experience is when I wasn't really ready for a relationship those types of comments ran me off. Even just asking to be exclusive seemed scary to me. That could be what happened. The funny thing is now I've gotten past that, if a guy isn't saying those things I run. So you won't be able to win everyone. You'll just have to play the game based on what type of woman/relationship you are after.

 

Well, I was wholly honest in our conversation. One can debate whether or not the following points should have been brought up so early in our dating, but my feeling is that sometimes it's best to put expectations up front, and if people can't meet them, not continuing is best.

 

I think it's great you put your expectations up front. I really admire when men do that. I've talked to some who have told me they've gotten negative reactions to it. IMO I would rather know where I stand and if it's a deal I want than to have to guess.

 

 

- I probably wasn't going to text her much, because she takes forever to respond, and this causes me anxiety, rightly or wrongly. Told her that the last girl I dated did this and it made me anxious.

 

Next time I wouldn't be so upfront about your anxieties. Even now at 9 months with my BF I make sure not to be so upfront about them. They are your issues to deal with. You job is to deal with them and not push your problems onto her. Instead I would just tell her that texting isn't working for you and you'll want to talk on the phone too. I wouldn't tell her she takes too long to respond. That comes off as controlling/insecure. That is something that probably won't change too much and you'll have to learn whether to accept it. You want to appear confident to keep her interested.

 

- canceling on me for the night we were going to spend (which was mutual - we were both stoked for it) made me feel kind of stupid, and that while it's cool, to feel free to say 'no' to something that makes her uncomfortable instead of just going along with things.

 

This could have come across like you were upset she slowed things down. It would give me pause if I was thinking of sleeping with you. I feel it's the woman's job to figure out the guy. Even though you are saying you're OK you clearly aren't. That would make me pause.

 

- I was looking forward to seeing her around once a week, and excited to see where things went

 

Don't see any issues here. Once a week seems reasonable for two people who like each other.

[Oregon_Dude]

OD-- I love you! It's been awhile since I've seen you on these boards.

 

I'm sorry she ended it. I had something very similar happen. But think of the bright side, if those things you discussed on the first and second date scared her away, imagine what would have happened if you two actually had to deal with something serious. Sounds like she wouldn't have been able to handle it.

 

Everything will work itself out. And don't take it personal. It's not like you said anything terrible or worrisome.

 

We are here for you.

Hey you! I internet-love you too. Now don't go running off on me because I said that! ACK!

 

Thanks for not being hard on me. In the grand scheme of things, I may have said a couple dumb things, but I didn't "do" anything wrong. You know, like non-consensual stuff, stalking, insulting, etc.

 

I will choose to think of this as a blessing in disguise. I think that yes, she would have run away eventually over some other stuff.

 

I hope you are doing well, db, and I'm sorry something similar happened to you. In the future, I'll play it a little cooler, but shoot, it's not like I was yelling at her or anything.

[katiegrl]

I'm upset that she ended us abruptly. As far as the shacking up, it was an idea we were both excited about, since we both currently live at home and don't have somewhere to spend alone time. This was after getting all hot and heavy in the car. So, as far as sending a message, just know that she was, at the time, down for it as much as I was. Honestly the whole idea of a "room" was just somewhere to hang out. We can only bar-hop for so long. Plus I don't even drink.

 

Begging? Maybe. I called her just to touch base after the plans changed. You have to understand that as far as I understood, we were both in the same excited place.

 

There's no answer here except for what to do next time, and right now, I don't see a next time with anyone.

 

I didn't see it as begging either OD.

 

I interpreted her comment about taking it slow to mean sexually (as in she's not ready to share a room yet), not that you should stop calling her/texting her.

 

So you called and talked, that part was fine.

 

Just the other parts that I and Robratory mentioned earlier were a little much after only two dates, that's all.

 

I am trying to put myself in her shoes and imagine how I would feel if I were super into a guy and told me he wasn't gonna text me much because I take to long to respond which made him anxious.

 

I really can't say TBH... but on some level I think I would find it a turn off....sorry!!

 

But it would have depended on how you said it too of course.

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

[thecrucible]

Hey OD, I feel bad for you but I also think you shouldn't beat yourself up about this. It is what it is. You will drive yourself mad analysing it too much although I know that analysing it is part of the process of moving on to begin with. You will eventually get to a stage when you decide that you've analysed it enough and it's onto to the next one.

 

You really don't know what's going through her mind - it may be something that she didn't click with but also wasn't something you could fix but you will never really know the answer. I completely understood how you feel, especially when you get a lot of feedback from the other person and it appears that everything is going well, only for the carpet to be pulled from under your feet. I know you feel that you have been taken for a fool. I don't know her so this may be completely wrong but I don't think most people are like that and she could be someone who is free with her emotions and very 'in the moment', so her actions don't necessarily have huge meaning. For instance, I'm the opposite of a person like that - every word I utter has to be truthful otherwise I can't utter it, so I am probably less free with my speech and less complimentary with a man I am only just getting to know.

 

It could be possible that she was caught up in the flurry and pace of it and when she had time to sit back and think about it, her true feelings came to light - so perhaps caught up in the moment. I don't think this is anyone's fault as it takes two to tango.

[Oregon_Dude]

Next time I wouldn't be so upfront about your anxieties. Even now at 9 months with my BF I make sure not to be so upfront about them. They are your issues to deal with. You job is to deal with them and not push your problems onto her. Instead I would just tell her that texting isn't working for you and you'll want to talk on the phone too. I wouldn't tell her she takes too long to respond. That comes off as controlling/insecure. That is something that probably won't change too much and you'll have to learn whether to accept it. You want to appear confident to keep her interested.

 

This could have come across like you were upset she slowed things down. It would give me pause if I was thinking of sleeping with you. I feel it's the woman's job to figure out the guy. Even though you are saying you're OK you clearly aren't. That would make me pause.

OK. Listen, I'm just talking to someone. This is how I feel when this happens. Enough to scare someone off? Fine. Again, I'm not seeing a "next time", but I'll try to keep it more controlled.

 

Well, I was bummed she canceled that on me, and intimated as much. I'm human. I told her it wasn't all about the sex, that I was looking forward to playing my music for her, cuddling, etc. I was chill about it, just up front.

 

See, to me, to have said, "No problem, yeah, we'll see a movie instead!" would have felt phony. Whatever. I appreciate your response.

[Miss Peach]

OP - I don't think you did anything terribly wrong. Remember women are trying to figure out a guy. That is our job while out on dates. Since we hardly know the guy we take little signs that he's not right to move on. Men do the same thing.

 

I don't think you need to play it cool per se. If my BF had done that I would have picked a different guy. Women are attracted to confident men. His confidence and leadership is what allowed him to get me over the other guys trying to get my attention. That is what I would practice here.

[thecrucible]

I am trying to put myself in her shoes and imagine how I would feel if I were super into a guy and told me he wasn't gonna text me much because I take to long to respond which made him anxious.

 

I really can't say TBH... but on some level I think I would find it a turn off....sorry!!

 

But it would have depended on how you said it too of course.

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

 

I am probably that girl. I'm not very into texting but whether that kind of comment would offend would depend on how it's phrased. I'm ready to admit that I can be unreliable about replying to texts although I will never not reply to something - it just won't be straight away. I wouldn't mind a man commenting on it if it was introduced in a neutral way where we discussed our communication styles or he put positive spin on it like "I'd love to hear from you more". From my point of view, I actually find texting less intimate and it would have nothing to do with how much I liked a guy as I even prefer phone calls with friends.

[Oregon_Dude]

I am trying to put myself in her shoes and imagine how I would feel if I were super into a guy and told me he wasn't gonna text me much because I take to long to respond which made him anxious.

 

I really can't say TBH... but on some level I think I would find it a turn off....sorry!!

 

But it would have depended on how you said it too of course.

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

Thanks katie. I told her that I probably wasn't going to initiate texts much, for that reason, but would always respond, as I work from home, and that her texting first would indicate interest to me. Lesson learned for "next time". In the past with the right people, texting has never been an issue.

 

In the early stages, texting causes me a lot of anxiety. It just does. Not gonna change.

[Oregon_Dude]

OP - I don't think you did anything terribly wrong. Remember women are trying to figure out a guy. That is our job while out on dates. Since we hardly know the guy we take little signs that he's not right to move on. Men do the same thing.

 

I don't think you need to play it cool per se. If my BF had done that I would have picked a different guy. Women are attracted to confident men. His confidence and leadership is what allowed him to get me over the other guys trying to get my attention. That is what I would practice here.

Gah, what you don't know about me is that I am quite confident and a natural leader. I think that there is a lot of pressure on men to be 100% perfect in dating. We are human, we make mistakes. And I can tell you that some women forgive men a lot more egregious actions.

 

But I'm not here to argue with advice, and I do appreciate it. I just hate that small mistakes can make someone write someone off who is otherwise a good person.

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't think you need to play it cool per se. If my BF had done that I would have picked a different guy.

Do you mean that if he played it cool you would have moved on, or that if he said some of the things I did, you would have moved on?

 

Really minor mistakes in my opinion, but then again I'm defensive today.

[Miss Peach]

OK. Listen, I'm just talking to someone. This is how I feel when this happens. Enough to scare someone off? Fine. Again, I'm not seeing a "next time", but I'll try to keep it more controlled.

 

Well, I was bummed she canceled that on me, and intimated as much. I'm human. I told her it wasn't all about the sex, that I was looking forward to playing my music for her, cuddling, etc. I was chill about it, just up front.

 

See, to me, to have said, "No problem, yeah, we'll see a movie instead!" would have felt phony. Whatever. I appreciate your response.

 

I think it would have happened at some point anyway. If she really liked you I don't think you really said or did anything that couldn't be overcome. I took it as just being disappointed which is totally understandable. If I wasn't ready to be physical with a guy I would have just said that instead of cancelling outright. Sometimes women are looking for subtle signs a guy isn't right so I'm just giving you some ideas on how it might have been interpreted from a female standpoint.

 

I hope you don't feel I'm being hard on you. I actually think you did a lot of admirable things that I wish more men would do.

[Oregon_Dude]

I think it would have happened at some point anyway. If she really liked you I don't think you really said or did anything that couldn't be overcome.

Thanks for this. I agree. It's like she was looking for a reason to not go forward or something. Just confusing, as she had been telling me how much she liked me.