Is it wrong to casually date more than 1 person

February 18, 2016

here's the deal, I recently met a few women who I'm interested in online. I've gone on a couple dates with one gal, who i'm interested in but not sure where it's going. I'm also chatting with a couple other women who I am interested in. Is this wrong? Should I be exclusive to one person at this point? Or is this just dating?

February 18, 2016

If you don't have any spiritual commitment yet to any of them ; then why should you be exclusive to one person ?

on the other hand , even when you consider one of them to be a special peson ; you are not in any kind of commitment form unless she is also feeling the same to you .

my advise to you is to have a borderline only when you find the girl who makes your heart beats so fast , not because she is the only female in front of you ; rather because she is the one ....

Best

February 18, 2016

It's not wrong; it's essential.

Multi-dating comes completely naturally to women (don't think the women you are seeing aren't constantly re-evaluating their options). But, casual multi-dating is a novel idea for most men: though this is finally starting to change.

Don't listen to idiots that may try to use shaming tactics, such as calling you a player or whatever else. People have their own agendas (manipulation, jealousy or what have you); you can't live your life around that.

You'll find that the more women you have, the more women you'll get.

This is for a few reasons:

1. It increases your confidence

2. It decreases your neediness

3. No woman wants a man that other women don't want

I suggest seeing no more than three though, because your finances and mental health will suffer.

When you eventually choose to have a girlfriend you'll be doing this from a position of strength, because you'll have standards to be met - rather than just out of desperation for intimacy. You'll pledge your loyalty to someone that earns it.

February 18, 2016

here's the deal, I recently met a few women who I'm interested in online. I've gone on a couple dates with one gal, who i'm interested in but not sure where it's going. I'm also chatting with a couple other women who I am interested in. Is this wrong? Should I be exclusive to one person at this point? Or is this just dating?

I think multi dating is fine, as long as the people you date are aware of it.

What's innerently wrong with multi-dating is when you're not being clear about it. If you're multidating and they are not aware of it, you have similar habits to a cheater (hiding, lying, dissimulation), and THAT's a true red flag.

For some people it's a deal breaker, so might as well them immediately that you're into that sort of things.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Alamo657

February 18, 2016

I think multi dating is fine, as long as the people you date are aware of it.

What's innerently wrong with multi-dating is when you're not being clear about it.

For some people it's a deal breaker, so might as well them immediately that you're into that sort of things.

Completely agree with this. Never lie about it, but don't rub it in a woman's face either. Just do your own thing, unapologetically.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Jabron1

February 18, 2016

Women pretty much never openly admit they are multi dating. They just suddenly disappear because they find someone better. I suggest you don't bring it up unless they do.

February 18, 2016

No - as long as you don't hide the fact. You don't have to give out that information freely but if one of them asks you should be honest with them. Otherwise I would consider you a player.

February 18, 2016

It's not wrong; it's essential.

Multi-dating comes completely naturally to women (don't think the women you are seeing aren't constantly re-evaluating their options). But, casual multi-dating is a novel idea for most men: though this is finally starting to change.

Don't listen to idiots that may try to use shaming tactics, such as calling you a player or whatever else. People have their own agendas (manipulation, jealousy or what have you); you can't live your life around that.

You'll find that the more women you have, the more women you'll get.

This is for a few reasons:
1. It increases your confidence
2. It decreases your neediness
3. No woman wants a man that other women don't want

I suggest seeing no more than three though, because your finances and mental health will suffer.

When you eventually choose to have a girlfriend you'll be doing this from a position of strength, because you'll have standards to be met - rather than just out of desperation for intimacy. You'll pledge your loyalty to someone that earns it.

High-Five, Jabron

February 18, 2016

What you are doing is what everyone else is doing, chatting and messaging multiple people. Why do it one at a time? Some turn out to be pen pals, or attention whores, hookers, etc....it's your time weeding out the crap and narrowing it down to a promising few.

February 18, 2016

It's not wrong; it's essential.

Multi-dating comes completely naturally to some women (don't think the women you are seeing aren't constantly re-evaluating their options). But, casual multi-dating is a novel idea for most men: though this is finally starting to change.

Don't listen to idiots that may try to use shaming tactics, such as calling you a player or whatever else. People have their own agendas (manipulation, jealousy or what have you); you can't live your life around that.

You'll find that the more women you have, the more women you'll get.

This is for a few reasons:
1. It increases your confidence
2. It decreases your neediness
3. No woman wants a man that other women don't want

I suggest seeing no more than three though, because your finances and mental health will suffer.

When you eventually choose to have a girlfriend you'll be doing this from a position of strength, because you'll have standards to be met - rather than just out of desperation for intimacy. You'll pledge your loyalty to someone that earns it.

*cough* corrected it for you...

As soon as a guy wants to multi date he is out in my book. I don't do it either. If its the fist couple of dates fine. Anything more and no...

The reason? Because it ends up hurting peoples feelings, it gets messy and you don't have the time to get to know these people properly. I also don't want to catch any STD's and quite frankly if they are multi dating you will need to sit down and have a talk about birds and bees before going anywhere... Its just too much damned hassle for "numbers" and a bloody lazy way of getting validation...

As for the underlined who says people who don't multi date are being needy or settling? They also have an informed decision as they have concentrated on one and know that person better for it.

February 18, 2016

who says people who don't multi date are being needy or settling? They also have an informed decision as they have concentrated on one and know that person better for it.

I keep reading here about making men 'wait' - essentially using sex to lure men into an exclusive relationship. That is a method that plays on a mans need for sex.

I despise this method. I consider it manipulation through intimacy withdrawal. I don't believe that such a power play at the beginning of a relationship bodes well for the man.

A man that has options doesn't need to base a LTR on sex. He can base it on finer points - he can expect more from the woman and be more choosy.

This is merely one reason that I would advise a man enter a LTR after a period of casual dating. There are many, but I'm a bit busy at the minute. I may come back to this thread later.

I honestly can't think of any benefits to the approach you favour (having tried it as a man). It simply appeals to a man's complacency and fear of rejection.

February 18, 2016

I would never be intimate with more than one person because just...ewww

But 2 or 3 dates is NOT a relationship. Going to dinner with someone a couple of times is NOT a relationship, and going out with someone else to dinner is NOT cheating. In fact, I think at that stage "making sure they know" is unnecessary.

Maybe it's 21st century technology, but people seem to think they are "in a relationship" after 1 or 2 dates these days. That just isn't the case.

February 18, 2016

I go into dating assuming the man is multi-dating until he tells me he's not. But you need to do it with integrity. If I find out a guy is sleeping with all these women, promising things, giving half answers like I'll be (sexually) monogamous while still dating others, coming on seriously, etc. it's a turn off to me and I move on.

Also agree don't lie about it but no need to disclose it unless you are getting serious.

February 18, 2016

As long as you stop as soon as you get serious, go ahead.

February 18, 2016

A man that has options doesn't need to base a LTR on sex. He can base it on finer points - he can expect more from the woman and be more choosy.

This is why I feel it works great to have a FWB while looking for a serious girlfriend. Otherwise the male brain lies to itself once it gets sex from a girl. Having a FWB frees a man to take his time with his dates and avoid the distracting need for sex.

February 18, 2016

This is for a few reasons:
1. It increases your confidence
2. It decreases your neediness
3. No woman wants a man that other women don't want

There are dozens of threads where there are guys who needs this piece of advice hammered into their heads.

WAY too much initial attention to ONE woman.

February 18, 2016

It's not wrong; it's essential.

Multi-dating comes completely naturally to women (don't think the women you are seeing aren't constantly re-evaluating their options). But, casual multi-dating is a novel idea for most men: though this is finally starting to change.

Don't listen to idiots that may try to use shaming tactics, such as calling you a player or whatever else. People have their own agendas (manipulation, jealousy or what have you); you can't live your life around that.

You'll find that the more women you have, the more women you'll get.

This is for a few reasons:
1. It increases your confidence
2. It decreases your neediness
3. No woman wants a man that other women don't want

I suggest seeing no more than three though, because your finances and mental health will suffer.

When you eventually choose to have a girlfriend you'll be doing this from a position of strength, because you'll have standards to be met - rather than just out of desperation for intimacy. You'll pledge your loyalty to someone that earns it.

Completely agree with this. I kept three girls for a little while and it was a little stressful but in the end it allowed me to make a sound and educated decision about one of them that I feel was much better than had I been dating only my girlfriend at the time. I realized quickly what I valued and what I didn't, which was very beneficial. That said, be careful not to lead any of them on too far too fast. It is hard not to do, and I made this mistake. I didn't mean to really, but I got someone else too involved and it made the eventual break up that much harder for both.

February 19, 2016

I think multi dating is fine, as long as the people you date are aware of it.

What's innerently wrong with multi-dating is when you're not being clear about it. If you're multidating and they are not aware of it, you have similar habits to a cheater (hiding, lying, dissimulation), and THAT's a true red flag.

For some people it's a deal breaker, so might as well them immediately that you're into that sort of things.

If asked, don't lie but if a woman volunteers that info at the "watching a movie stage" i'm completely turned off.

Don't ask, don't tell should be the motto until you reach the point of sex.

I don't sleep with multiple women and expect them not to be sleeping with other men if we are having sex.

February 19, 2016

OP, absolutely NOthing wrong with multi-dating...as a matter of fact, it should be expected.

That's why there's different terms for the various stages involved in relating with other human beings: "dating", "exclusively dating", "engaged", "living together", "married", etc.

There's different levels of intimacy, exclusivity, and expectations at each level.

As others have pointed out, since so many people are not familiar with the various levels, it's best to point out that you are multi-dating...and probably best that you only [multi]date those who feel similarly.

Best of luck to you, OP...

February 19, 2016

Bear in my mind the cultural context to my comments as multi-dating is not really part of dating culture in the UK.

Personally I don't think it's a good idea if you end up getting to the point of swapping saliva with anyone and definitely not if you've been intimate with one of them - it's getting into dangerous territory then when feelings will get hurt. At the same time, I think multi-dating for me just distances my mind too much from each date. I find I am not able to bond with anyone because I am holding back. Besides, if you don't like someone enough to see them exclusively, best not to date them at all. I did try it once - never again.

I think when you are messaging, communicating with more than one person is fine as any of them could drop out and not all communications make it into a real life dating situation. I still prefer to talk to just one or two men at a time though otherwise I get the way I mentioned above, I find I don't connect with anyone because I am spreading my attention too thin.

As I mentioned, in the UK it's not much part of the culture and you can get a reputation even if you're only meeting for drinks with more than one man as people will assume you are sleeping with all of them too!

February 19, 2016

I don't sleep with multiple women and expect them not to be sleeping with other men if we are having sex.

I think that this is what people don't understand about multi-dating. It's not about sleeping around, it's about getting to know other people and finding the one that you want to take things further with.....beyond sex, emotionally and spiritually.

The ones that ARE sleeping around with other people are not multi-dating. That is using dating or dating sites as an excuse for a "hook-up". It's sad when today's online dating sites have replaced the bars for hooking up and one night stands.

Phineas....well said.

February 19, 2016

High-Five, Jabron

Huh? You posted this yesterday on a different thread.

>>"I would be turned off too if I were to go on a first date knowing the woman was fooling around with several different dudes."<<

But yet you high-five Jabron for advocating multi-dating???

Apparently (according to you anyway) multi-dating is okay for men, but not for women? :rolleyes: ::eyeroll::

Edited February 19, 2016 by katiegrl

February 19, 2016

Huh? You posted this yesterday on a different thread.

>>"I would be turned off too if I were to go on a first date knowing the woman was fooling around with several different dudes."<<

But yet you high-five Jabron for advocating multi-dating???

Apparently (according to you anyway) multi-dating is okay for men, but not for women? :rolleyes: ::eyeroll::

Katie, I speak for men. I occasionally try to help women, but it's not exactly my forte, as I've never been one.

There is a clear explanation for your concern, but I doubt it'll be palatable to many people here. It's that men and women are different.

There's a term called 'social proof'. It's the idea that women want a man that is wanted. I can tell you from experience that the easiest time for me to attract women is when I'm already going out with one.

'Social proof' simply doesn't work on men. An ugly man walks into the club with the most attractive girl, and the women take notice. An ugly woman walks into a club with the most attractive guy, and none of the men care.

I've experienced (many times) women trying to make me jealous by being seen with other men, texting other men, posing for pictures with other men, etc. They are trying to spark an attraction in me that they think works, because it would work on them. What works on women must work on men right? Wrong.

Men are repulsed by the thought of a woman that sleeps around. It's a complete turn off. All of the shaming, and feminist essays in the world aren't going to change that, because it's primal.

A guy like me knows full well that the average women has had far more sex than the average man will ever get. And I accept that any given woman sitting in front of me on a date has done god knows what with multiple men. Yet, even I don't like to think about it. It's doesn't come from a logical place; it can't be argued with.

Just like the guys that are bitter and complain about what women are attracted to (I say to these men, don't wish things were easier; wish you were better), there really is no point in trying to argue against nature.

Consider it a double standard, if you like. Just don't expect it to change anytime soon.

February 19, 2016

I see lots of people telling you explicitly that its either right or wrong.

Here is the truth ..... it depends on you and how you feel about it. There is an old saying - every man has a code. Whether you know it or not you do. We know within our selves what we are comfortable with and OK with. Don't be a sheep who simply takes his queues on how to behave from other people. Live your own truth.

If you're comfortable and ok with dating multiple people at the same time. Then go ahead and do so. If you are not then don't do it - its only going to cause you problems. It really is a personal choice and I've seen plenty of guys who weren't comfortable with doing this try to force it "because everyone else was doing it". It usually ends badly. Know what works for you and stick to it.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

February 19, 2016

A guy like me knows full well that the average women has had far more sex than the average man will ever get. And I accept that any given woman sitting in front of me on a date has done god knows what with multiple men.

I agree.

Men's worth pre-marriage is their personnal success in different areas.

As long as they are not physically repulsive, all that matters is the size of their social circle and happyness in their job.

Women' worth pre-marriage is their beauty (which usually helped them get to where they are in life - i have NEVER seen a beautiful woman being somewhat average or subpar in her professionnal/social life)

The pool of average and + women is far higher than the pool of successful men. This is why men have a hard time dating, because women only look at the top tier.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Alamo657

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