Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Yup. She can spend time with you all she wants, even kiss and cuddle with ya when SHE feels like, or even have sex (cuz she knows you won't turn that down.) but most of all she has the FRIENDSHIP part of the relationship, just no committment. She doesn't "owe" you anything, so she calls the shots. As I said, it's not that cut and dry, mean and green senario...I don't think she actually has put any thought into that aspect, it's more of an assumption of just knowing all this subconsciously. Does that make any sense? Ex's CAN be friends, but a certain amount of time has to pass before that happens, and even then it won't be the same sort of closeness that was once there. Once each of you start to get involved with other people, that desire to want to keep intouch just has to fade away...I mean if you had a serious girlfriend - Do you really think your girlfriend would want you spending time with your ex? Or if your new girlfriend kept intouch and had friendship with her ex, it would kinda bug you abit?? See what I'm getting at? The only way it can really work is involving the new gf/bf into the mix and make it more couples than one on one. Unless one is very secure in the relationship and there are absolutely NO FEELINGS or sexual stuff left between Ex's, it's real hard to keep that friendship going Damn -- you are so right, and it does make sense. However, there are some confusing aspects, like -- she was telling me about a week ago about her birthday plans... said that she really wants me to be there -- and that I could come with a date. (this is being planned for a few months from now). What does that tell you? Her language with me assumes that I'll be moving on -- and she's just chatting with me as a friend. It seems as though she already has lost feeling for me -- except as a friend. Confusing!
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense However, there are some confusing aspects, like -- she was telling me about a week ago about her birthday plans... said that she really wants me to be there -- and that I could come with a date. (this is being planned for a few months from now). Don't go. Please, don't go. Now's your chance to make a statement of your own. My mouth is watering right now...
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Don't go. Please, don't go. Now's your chance to make a statement of your own. My mouth is watering right now... Well, it isn't for a few months..... but -- what if my date was hotter than her? LOL
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 It's the cat and mouse game...Come here, go away, come here, go away...Rag doll syndrome. That is how you're gonna feel. So, yeah, find somebody and bring a date. (She's secretly hoping you won't bring a date btw...So she can have all your attention, while having her own date. Jesus! Girls ARE EVIL... Hey, shouldn't I be offended that I said that??) Nah...I have a good sense of humour, takes alot to offend me. Well, what do you think now?? Guess the LIMITED contact is the best way to go...Start saying no to her when she wants to get together. IT WILL BE HARD TO DO...No doubt - But if you want to get over her faster, you gotta try your best to keep busy, push those sexy thoughts of her OUT of your head and be active! Join a gym, hang with the boys (not talking about the ones in yer pants...Though go ahead and do that too, just don't think of her! ) play some road hockey, go away for a guys weekend, get drunk...stuff like that.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer My mouth is watering right now... f*** it Westy! SAY IT DAMMITT!! You know you want to...You have too now! Man, you're making my mouth water in antisipation of what you're gonna say!
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 So, yeah, find somebody and bring a date. (She's secretly hoping you won't bring a date btw...So she can have all your attention, while having her own date. Jesus! Girls ARE EVIL... Hey, shouldn't I be offended that I said that??) Nah...I have a good sense of humour, takes alot to offend me. LOL -- I'd never go if she had a date -- and I'll ask. I'd probably not go if she had a date -- and if I had one! Girls are EVIL lol -- especially since I know that much of all this thinking is going on -- it isn't all subconscious. Well, what do you think now?? Guess the LIMITED contact is the best way to go...Start saying no to her when she wants to get together. IT WILL BE HARD TO DO...No doubt - But if you want to get over her faster, you gotta try your best to keep busy, push those sexy thoughts of her OUT of your head and be active! Join a gym, hang with the boys (not talking about the ones in yer pants...Though go ahead and do that too, just don't think of her! ) play some road hockey, go away for a guys weekend, get drunk...stuff like that. I think that is the way to go -- I just need to do better on the getting busy part. And, you are right - saying NO is going to be a huge deal for me. I'm thinking that the only way I'm going to be able to say no is if I have another date.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Or just be honest and tell her that what she is asking of you is truely unfair. Maybe she should consider your feelings instead of just thinking of herself and what she wants all the time. Selfish abit huh? Westy, you gonna spill it or what. I'm dying here!
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Or just be honest and tell her that what she is asking of you is truely unfair. Maybe she should consider your feelings instead of just thinking of herself and what she wants all the time. Selfish abit huh? Well -- that discussion would just mean that I'll be asking her to stop contacting me/trying to be a friend -- unless she changes her mind. But -- maybe that's for the best. When we first broke up -- that's what I told her -- that I wouldn't be able to see her. Then -- after 3 weeks, she contacted me, and that's when it all went downhill (or uphill depending on how you look at it).
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Ha, so you caved...And she ran with it. Just sucks that the feelings are still so raw. Because she is the one who ended it, she has control. So maybe (even if you don't, but maybe you should) in passing mention to her (in afew weeks or so when she calls and asks you to get together with her) that you're going on a date. Just let it slip... Don't make a big deal about it and see how she reacts? She freaks out and gets upset then you know the feelings are still there - That maybe, just maybe there's a change that all she needed was some time apart to figure things out...I don't know! Maybe I should not say any of this, cuz I don't want you to get your hopes up by me yapping away here, just saying my thoughts to you.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Ha, so you caved...And she ran with it. Just sucks that the feelings are still so raw. Because she is the one who ended it, she has control. So maybe (even if you don't, but maybe you should) in passing mention to her (in afew weeks or so when she calls and asks you to get together with her) that you're going on a date. Just let it slip... Don't make a big deal about it and see how she reacts? She freaks out and gets upset then you know the feelings are still there - That maybe, just maybe there's a change that all she needed was some time apart to figure things out...I don't know! Maybe I should not say any of this, cuz I don't want you to get your hopes up by me yapping away here, just saying my thoughts to you. Yeah -- don't get my hopes up! lol It could be true that she just needs more time apart, and that's a good idea -- just to test her feelings so to speak. I won't expect anything though. Right now, I just have to concentrate on how to be less available. Its going to take lots of strength. Not sure I can do it yet.
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Well, it isn't for a few months..... but -- what if my date was hotter than her? LOL Taking a date to your ex's birthday would be a disservice to your date, don't you think? I feel this is your chance to stick it to her by not showing up at all. It'll show her you've got your cajones back, and she may hate you for it, but that's what you want. Tell your ex you've got other plans that evening. Wait until the week of the party, or just don't show up at all. Hopefully you can avoid all this by telling her to stay away from you. She's not expecting you to plan it, is she?
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Well for starters, enjoy LS and get addicted! Start browsing around all the other forums and jump on in! Yeah I don't wanna be responsible for getting yer hopes up... lol It will be difficult because you need some sort of closure. She may not give it to you, so you have to get the closure on your own. Start writing out your feelings...Either on a new thread here or start a daily journal. Allow yourself to feel the pain, realize that you didn't DO anything that was really wrong, it just didn't work out. Try not to go too negative and don't beat yourself up over it.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Yeah -- don't get my hopes up! lol It could be true that she just needs more time apart, and that's a good idea -- just to test her feelings so to speak. I won't expect anything though. Right now, I just have to concentrate on how to be less available. Its going to take lots of strength. Not sure I can do it yet. Start reading that book NOW! And someone else had the right idea. Don't think of it as never contacting your Ex again. Just tell yourself each day "I can go one day without contacting her..." Pretty soon it will have been a long time. And again you must follow this rule: DO NOT ALWAYS BE ACCESSIBLE TO HER. How is she ever going to appreciate you if you're always at her beck and call? You need to make yourself scarce. She'll wonder why you aren't available to her. If, during that time, you have worked on everything in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" your self-confidence will have vastly improved. You will look WITHIN for approval (not to her) and you will understand your needs are important and have to be met too. Only then will she start respecting you and desire you. Be the man she desires by not being her door mat. If I can do it, you can do it. Read the book. Study it. Learn it front to back.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Taking a date to your ex's birthday would be a disservice to your date, don't you think? I feel this is your chance to stick it to her by not showing up at all. It'll show her you've got your cajones back, and she may hate you for it, but that's what you want. Tell your ex you've got other plans that evening. Wait until the week of the party, or just don't show up at all. Hopefully you can avoid all this by telling her to stay away from you. If I still have feelings for her, then yes, this would be just a total game -- and not fair to a date. I was just being silly anyway -- I'd only ever go to this alone -- and only if she didn't have a date. I agree with you to an extent -- but depending on how you look at it, it might take more cajones to show up -- this is because inviting me to this party is a major symbol for her - I've actually never met all of her friends before! My backing out just might make her think -- "wussy, can't be around me because he's still in heartache". Even better though is what you said last -- hopefully all of this will be avoided because we'll have distanced oursleves before then.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense My backing out just might make her think -- "wussy, can't be around me because he's still in heartache". WRONG! See, that is you looking to her for APPROVAL. You CARE what she thinks. When you understand you need to care more about YOUR NEEDS and what YOU THINK then you will see how utterly wrong it is to think like that. Show her you're a man and RESIST THE URGE TO SHOW UP.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 WRONG! See, that is you looking to her for APPROVAL. You CARE what she thinks. When you understand you need to care more about YOUR NEEDS and what YOU THINK then you will see how utterly wrong it is to think like that. Show her you're a man and RESIST THE URGE TO SHOW UP. Thanks for keeping me honest CIOC..... I'm looking forward to getting in to that book!
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I agree with you to an extent -- but depending on how you look at it, it might take more cajones to show up -- this is because inviting me to this party is a major symbol for her - I've actually never met all of her friends before! My backing out just might make her think -- "wussy, can't be around me because he's still in heartache". You ready for those razor blades yet?
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 You ready for those razor blades yet? Almost.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC WRONG! See, that is you looking to her for APPROVAL. You CARE what she thinks. When you understand you need to care more about YOUR NEEDS and what YOU THINK then you will see how utterly wrong it is to think like that. Show her you're a man and RESIST THE URGE TO SHOW UP. Great advice Confused! So, get drunk that night. Just make sure to unplug your phones before you head to sleep cuz there's always that dreaded "drunken phonecall" moment that you COULD consider...Some do it and always regret it...Some do it and don't remember it.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks for keeping me honest CIOC..... I'm looking forward to getting in to that book! WWIU, thank you. NMS, do whatever you have to do in order to start implementing LIMITED CONTACT. That means: a. Don't answer the phone and unless her message is urgent, wait a day or two to get back to her. b. Same as above for email. c. DO NOT LOG INTO ANY INSTANT MESSENGER PROGRAMS! PERIOD! During this time of peace and solace, I want you to read through NO MORE MR NICE GUY at least TWICE. You will not get it all the first time. I'm on the THIRD read through. I know the book almost by heart now. I know what I need to work on and I know that you will NEVER start building your self-esteem and self-worth until you realize that the only person in your life you NEED approval from is...............yourself.
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