notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 My ExGF is a great friend -- and she clearly cares for me and want to remain in my life. I technically was the dumpee -- because she felt like she wasn't ready to commit and wants to date others. I don't think she plays games or is intending on stringing me along by still calling me and seeing me. She'll often talk to me as if she assumes that I'll be dating others soon -- and this doesn't seem to make things awkward for her. As you can guess -- I really hurt on the inside. I bottle up all my emotions and put on a happy face when I see her, and I avoid seriousness at all costs -- because I know that this will push her away. And yes, I really would like to get her back one day -- but I know that she needs to "play the field" a bit more before settling. She is about 2 years out of a 17 year marriage, and besides one quick rebounder, I'm the only other person she's dated seriously. So... I intuitively know that NC will cause me to heal faster, but really -- for the degree that I fell for her, I think I would need a year or more of NC to heal that way -- and I just don't want to dissappear like that. Besides, I live in a small town, and I WILL run into her from time to time. So... my question is: Has anyone just been able to suck it up and work through their emotions while remaining in contact -- and even as friends? How did you do it? I don't feel like dating others quite yet -- my heart isn't available yet (still belongs to her), and "getting busy" is a challenge for me because almost all of my friends are couples with kids.... arrrrgh. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 You're gonna make this alot harder for yourself if you continue to be friends with her right now. She dumped you because she wasn't ready to commit JUST to you, she wants to be with other guys...Yet she still wants you in her life as a friend, you're willing to go DO just that ... So, you're a friend now. NO sex, NO kissing, NO cuddling. Just there for her a friend. What do you get out of this?? A broken heart because you can't be affectionate and intimate with her anymore...Can look, get kinda close, but no touching... You stay emotionally attached to her while she continues to have your friendship and date other guys. I know you don't want to hurt her, but she dumped YOU! Ouch. I can tell you right now this is going to be really painful and you'll continue to have feelings for her. Then one day she is going to meet that other guy, get more serious with him and then say "it's not a good idea for us to really keep intouch anymore. My new boyfriend won't like it, and it's not fair for him if I continue being friends with an EX." Just my thoughts on this one. Read ConfusedinOC posts. Read NoFoolin's post about the long guided walk to NO Contact. (You may have to scroll down to page 2 or 3 , it's in there somewhere.) Good luck though and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 I've read all the NC posts -- and I totally agree that NC would be the most effective way to go. I just wish I had the inner strength to be a friend instead. Why? Because I really do believe that she's the right one for me, and that I'm the right one for her. My plan would be to date others -- have fun -- and -- if I meet someone else and fall in love, then that's what was meant to be. If she finds another? You are right, I'd need to fade into the background -- then I guess the real NC would begin. But yeah -- I'm going to have to hear of some good techniques from folks that can be used instead of NC -- otherwise, I'm going to implode soon... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I'm going to have to hear of some good techniques from folks that can be used instead of NC -- otherwise, I'm going to implode soon... Try slitting your wrists... you're pretty close as it is by continuing to be her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Try slitting your wrists... you're pretty close as it is by continuing to be her friend. LOL -- I guess that the result would definitely be NC then, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense LOL -- I guess that the result would definitely be NC then, huh? If she wants to date others, she should not have the pleasure of your company. Especially since she may confide some of the details of her relationship with you. Move on, date someone else and don't bother with her. Make her KNOW what she is missing. She can't do that if you're always available to her. Even Limited Contact would be much better than "friends." Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense LOL -- I guess that the result would definitely be NC then, huh? Think of it this way, if you slit your wrists you won't suffer the way you're suffering now. It'll be over in minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Thanks CIOC We've already agreed to not talk about our other relationships.... I know, I know.... when she calls me, I crumble and answer. Today is a great example. She calls me up, and says "lets have a beer!" and I'm like, sure "come on over!" and so it goes.... no strength to say "sorry, I've got plans..." Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks CIOC We've already agreed to not talk about our other relationships.... I know, I know.... when she calls me, I crumble and answer. Today is a great example. She calls me up, and says "lets have a beer!" and I'm like, sure "come on over!" and so it goes.... no strength to say "sorry, I've got plans..." No, no, no! Don't do that. Start making yourself unavailable. Don't answer all her calls. Don't answer all her emails. If she wants you - TRULY wants you - then she will never know as long as you are at her beck and call. MAKE HER MISS YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 She'll start fretting the moment you tell her you're busy. It never fails. As CIOC aptly stated, MAKE HER MISS YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 I think I need hypnosis or something then. Something that causes a "flight response" when I hear from her.... lol Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 You can get some good ideas about hypnotic training from "The Manchurian Candidate." Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 She'll start fretting the moment you tell her you're busy. It never fails. As CIOC aptly stated, MAKE HER MISS YOU. I know this works. You should have seen her when I posted my profile on a dating site -- she was calling all the time then! lol I've since taken it back down again because I just couldn't get in to it. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Next time keep the profile up. She's killing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 You can get some good ideas about hypnotic training from "The Manchurian Candidate." I was thinking of renting that last night. Thanks for the tip! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Watch the old one with Angela Lansbury and Frank Sinatra. Much better than the new one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Next time keep the profile up. She's killing you. Yeah -- I'm going to put it back up just as soon as I get back from a short vacation -- and moving into a new place. Then, I have to find a subtle way to tell her that its back up again! Watch the old one with Angela Lansbury and Frank Sinatra. Much better than the new one. Thanks -- I will... did you try to use any techniques on yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Yeah -- I'm going to put it back up just as soon as I get back from a short vacation -- and moving into a new place. Then, I have to find a subtle way to tell her that its back up again! Don't even tell her... you're not supposed to be in contact with her, remember? ... did you try to use any techniques on yourself? I think they used hypnosis on me when I was born... every time I see a woman with a great ass, I go nuts! I can't explain it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks CIOC We've already agreed to not talk about our other relationships.... I know, I know.... when she calls me, I crumble and answer. Today is a great example. She calls me up, and says "lets have a beer!" and I'm like, sure "come on over!" and so it goes.... no strength to say "sorry, I've got plans..." Honeybunny...She's got you by the balls. Not in a mean or malicious way, but she KNOWS that you're gonna be there at everytime, waiting...Do try to say NO once in a while...Otherwise she's gonna have her cake and eat it too. And you're gonna get your heart broken even more. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer I think they used hypnosis on me when I was born... every time I see a woman with a great ass, I go nuts! I can't explain it. Cute! Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Don't even tell her... you're not supposed to be in contact with her, remember? Oh yeah -- right. Damn - I liked the extra attention I got though! I think they used hypnosis on me when I was born... every time I see a woman with a great ass, I go nuts! I can't explain it. Kind of like me and breasts -- think that was hypnosis? lol Honeybunny...She's got you by the balls. Not in a mean or malicious way, but she KNOWS that you're gonna be there at everytime, waiting...Do try to say NO once in a while...Otherwise she's gonna have her cake and eat it too. And you're gonna get your heart broken even more. She does have me by the balls.... .but I don't get the "have her cake" part.... do you mean that she's (unconsciously) using this as a way to keep me attached until she finds someone? Its not like she's using me for sex or anything! lol Or, is it what we are really saying here is that exes can't be friends period? My guess is that it is the latter - especially for a guy like me, who fell for her hard. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I think I need hypnosis or something then. Something that causes a "flight response" when I hear from her.... lol How about some books on self-confidence for a start?! You need to learn how to make yourself happy, appreciate the fact you have needs to and learn to be patient. You really need the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and a few books on self-confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense .... do you mean that she's (unconsciously) using this as a way to keep me attached until she finds someone? Bingo! I also believe that exes shouldn't be friends. I don't talk to any of mine, thank goodness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 How about some books on self-confidence for a start?! You need to learn how to make yourself happy, appreciate the fact you have needs to and learn to be patient. You really need the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and a few books on self-confidence. Thanks CIOC -- I just got that at your suggestion in other posts -- It just arrived in the mail, and I'll be reading it. Bingo! I also believe that exes shouldn't be friends. I don't talk to any of mine, thank goodness. Yeah -- it must be subconscious -- because she does so many things that makes me think she's a genuine friend -- but -- I guess I'm also a backup guy. f*** -- I hate this sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 She does have me by the balls.... .but I don't get the "have her cake" part.... do you mean that she's (unconsciously) using this as a way to keep me attached until she finds someone? Its not like she's using me for sex or anything! lol Or, is it what we are really saying here is that exes can't be friends period? My guess is that it is the latter - especially for a guy like me, who fell for her hard. Yup. She can spend time with you all she wants, even kiss and cuddle with ya when SHE feels like, or even have sex (cuz she knows you won't turn that down.) but most of all she has the FRIENDSHIP part of the relationship, just no committment. She doesn't "owe" you anything, so she calls the shots. As I said, it's not that cut and dry, mean and green senario...I don't think she actually has put any thought into that aspect, it's more of an assumption of just knowing all this subconsciously. Does that make any sense? Ex's CAN be friends, but a certain amount of time has to pass before that happens, and even then it won't be the same sort of closeness that was once there. Once each of you start to get involved with other people, that desire to want to keep intouch just has to fade away...I mean if you had a serious girlfriend - Do you really think your girlfriend would want you spending time with your ex? Or if your new girlfriend kept intouch and had friendship with her ex, it would kinda bug you abit?? See what I'm getting at? The only way it can really work is involving the new gf/bf into the mix and make it more couples than one on one. Unless one is very secure in the relationship and there are absolutely NO FEELINGS or sexual stuff left between Ex's, it's real hard to keep that friendship going. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts