Anyone wants to FAST FORWARD TO a year from now?

[kztar]

Well hi everyone,

 

Recently going through a breakup and im wondering if anyone feels the same way I do.

 

1.5 year relationship

1 month post-breakup

4 days NC

 

I was the "perfect girlfriend" but got dumped like basura because the dude was not really ready for a relationship. He thought he was until shiit got real and the butterflies went away.

 

Here's how I feel. This breakup is a LIVING HELL. HELL IS RIGHT HERE ON EARTH WITH ME RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

 

I learned some things about myself WHOOOHOO but at the price of PAIN, SUFFERING AND LOOSING WEIGHT. Soooo much fun...Wasn't there another way for me to learn these "lessons"?

 

I really just want to fast forward to summer 2017 or a time where I can feel normal again. I can go out, focus at work, enjoy having fun and most importantly have a special grave in my heart for my EX.

 

Would I known this was going to happen, I would of completely avoided the guy and kept going about my awesome life BEFORE HIM.

 

Anyways? Anyone feels this way or similar maybe?. or can anyone share their success stories of MOVING ON and leaving this BS behind?.

 

Seems like alot of people think about reconciliation including me but as much as I think about it, I do NOT want that EVER.

 

Thanks for reading

[Emaize3]

Yes, I feel exactly like you! Especially the part about hell on earth with me right now. This pain is worse than getting hit with a 2X4 in the face! All the advice given here sometimes makes me more sad since I'm still in denial. I am a little better but since I do want to reconcile and I know that won't happen, is making it worse. Like they all say.. Keep busy and "time." Fact is, it's a long "time" to go until we get to that happy place again.

[PegNosePete]

Anyone feels this way or similar maybe?

Hell no! I am going skiing next month and to the Galapagos in May. No way would I want to skip that.

 

can anyone share their success stories of MOVING ON and leaving this BS behind?

After my divorce I turned my life around, took up skiing, joined a rock band, trekked to Everest Base Camp, took up new hobbies and re-acquired some old ones. Now as previously mentioned I am going skiing next month and to the Galapagos with my partner in May. The BS is left well and truly behind and my life is a lot better than ever before

[theredpill]

Let me write what 99% of people don't want to believe....

 

 

You are creating your own pain and living hell, this will diminish in time. However, if you change your mind set and understand the pain isn't coming from him/her at all - it's coming from within you, that 12 months you wish for will be reduced to just a matter of weeks or a couple of months.

 

 

Please, please don't let your emotional brain dim your awesomeness

[diamondgirl]

i remember feeling this way exactly. my break up was over 1.5 years ago but i remember knowing the feeling so well. everyone says it just takes time and i just wanted time to pass. the best advice i ever received on this forum was to be kind to yourself. i made many mistakes along the way - contacted my ex, begged him to reconsider, met up with him, sent him letters, etc. i always forgave myself. were human - we all make mistakes along the way. on days i felt really down, i stayed in bed and read these forums all day and on days where i felt a little more strength i treated myself to something small and forced myself to go out. i leaned a lot on my girlfriends and my family. they gave me space when i needed but when i needed a fun night out or a distraction they were always there for me.

 

my ex and i were high school sweethearts and dated for a lost 8 years. i thought no one else had experienced pain like that in their lives. fortunately for me, only about 9 months after the break up, i was set up on a date and it was love at first sight. I've been with my current boyfriend for about 9 months now and truly have never been happier. this relationship is so much more fulfilling and mature and my current boyfriend has all the qualities and does everything i always wished my ex would do but doesnt. if you would have told me that a year after the break up i would have already been in a serious relationship, i wouldnt have believed it, but thats what happened to me.

 

personally, i think you should just trust that a year from now things WILL be better. in the meantime, you need to focus on one day at a time. connect with old friends, find hobbies that make you happy, and most of all be kind to you! the days will turn into months and time will pass more quickly than you think. good luck!

[NVO]

I remember that I wished to fast forward a couple of months. Actually I remember that moment quite vividly, with my mother, in the backgarden. "Damn, I wish I could just fast forward a couple of months."

 

But let me tell you that the feelings that you are experiencing right now are life changing. It took me a good eight months to stop feeling the actual pain, but I got to know myself in a way that would have never happened if I was still together with ex.

[kztar]

Thank you all for your post. I look forward to continue moving forward. I know that through this process im learning things to make me a better woman but I wish I would be learning differently. Its not easy. Really all I want to do is sleeppppp. Thats the only time I feel "good".

[Itspointless]

Thank you all for your post. I look forward to continue moving forward. I know that through this process im learning things to make me a better woman but I wish I would be learning differently. Its not easy. Really all I want to do is sleeppppp. Thats the only time I feel "good".

Our pain is just an opportunity to learn about ourselves and be more empathetic towards the pain and misfortune of others. It is our own choice if we take up the challenge to learn of it. Unfortunately there is no shortcut, it can take an awful lot of time. It always does with me. In the meantime we need to be kind to ourselves, because lets be honest, being vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately often we have learned to be though and deny our feelings. If we deny our emotions, they will come back some time in a poisonous way often at moments we least expect it. That is why I always tell people to be kind to themselves, just as someone did to diamondgirl

[theredpill]

Embrace the pain, only then can you heal - it's teetering on the edge for too long that slows progress, know it hurts and I think often it can hurt women even more, because they seem to experience emotions more authentically in moment than us men who just scrutinise everything with our silly logical brains.

 

 

Good luck, spend time with close friends if you can, ask them to take you somewhere fun, organise a babysitter if needed, but get out and try enjoy yourself. Follow the NC rules stickied on the main pain and you'll do great!

 

 

Don't forget, it was his loss tiger

[Raina314]

Right there with you. I was with my ex for a year and it ended the exact same way "it's not you, it's me, you've never done anything wrong, you're smart, attractive, fun blah blah blah but I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't think I'm in love because the spark is gone, so...bye."

I cared for this guy so much, I drove to his house at 5AM on his birthday to tie a balloon to his car before I went to work to surprise him, made an effort, and had never felt like a better girlfriend.

 

But yeah. I think all the time that I wish I could just fast-forward. I've also realized that actively trying to be in that "future" state where I go out and enjoy new things just isn't possible yet, even on a good day. I do much better when I surround myself with things that are familiar first. Part of the reason this is so hard is because it's a change, and I hate change. So I found that in my current state, trying a whole bunch of new things that should be fun actually makes it worse because all my sad brain knows is "this is more change, I don't like it" . I don't know if you get that feeling at all, but if you do, don't push yourself to live in the future if you aren't ready. Sometimes it's smoother if you go one slow step at a time.

[geronimo]

I'll let you in on a few things, since I am a year post BU now.

 

I was also in a 5 year relationship with my ex, and she left me for someone else. I also tried to be the perfect boyfriend and she knew it, so did her friends and everyone around her. She used the excuse that her parents would never accept me due to our different religions to get out of the relationship and I soon realized that was all just a smoke screen to get out of the relationship so that she can go on with the new guy.

 

Theres a few things that you NEED to do and I'm telling you from experience so that you don't make the same mistakes that I along with many of us here did.

 

1. NC this is key! You got to cut your ex out and that means blocking and deleting them from anything and everything including their family (I actually recently had to delete my ex's sisters off of insta and fb because I no longer care/want to see any of their things because automatically its going to make me think of my ex and bring back feelings/thoughts that are just stunting my recovery)

 

2. Be patient with yourself. Don't set a time where you think you should be over your ex, everyone is different and some people get over a relationship faster than others. You gotta move at your own pace.

 

3. Don't ignore your emotions, if you're feeling sad, cry and let it all out, its alot better to do that now and feel all the pain now rather than to bottle it up and have to deal with it weeks/months from now (I did that and I ended up in therapy because of it, not that therapy is bad, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it but I"m just saying I could have avoided putting myself in that position)

 

4. DO NOT GIVE IN TO YOUR EX'S BREADCRUMBS/REACH OUTS. Biggest mistake I ever made. 5 months post breakup she contacted me, I played it cool and was dry and distant with my responses which made her want to chase me more and see whats going on. I shouldn't have messaged her back at all, but like most dumpee's having to hear from your ex just sparks something inside of you. Long story short, we met up, she was having a rough patch with her new bf, wanted to see if I was still in her back pocket, and like an idiot I played into her game and confirmed that I still had feelings and was willing to reconcile. Well obviously not all of that clicked in the moment and I had to go NC again because she wasn't willing to breakup with him and/or get back together with me (Have not broken NC since, and I feel alot better).

 

5. Find a hobby/activity that you have been putting off, or would like to pick up and pursue it. Also hit the gym. These things will do you wonders, and I have even made a long list of things that I want to accomplish before the end of this year which include getting my motorbike license, going sky diving, applying to my post graduate studies, starting dance classes, etc. You also need to do things that spark your own interest.

 

I think those were the main things, to be honest, I remember even before her and I got in contact again, i was feeling alot better within the 5-6 month mark. But you gotta stick to NC which is the key to everything. Even if you're at home most of the time and are feeling sad, as long as you keep NC, after a couple months you will automatically start to clear your head of the image you have of your ex, and start to see them for who they really are. Hope you're in a way better position than I am next year goodluck

[Brady375]

I went through a very hard break up w a gf of 5yrs a few back. She left me I was best friends w both her brothers and practically was family as I was so close w her parents etc.

I was Devestated. For months on end....I was so upset I didn't Want the Feelings of Sadness to End because they were the Last little "connection" to her I had and once they were gone I knew it would be beyond over and I didn't want to let her go.

Months later I felt much better and years later I could Care Less About what she is doing or who she is w and in retrospect we were Better off not being together.

 

Going through this made me such a stronger and wiser person. I'm empowered KNOWING that no Matter who I'm with or how much I'm into or love a person I Will Never get that Devestated Again. I know that in time after Any breakup I will be fine and in time I won't Care what Any Ex may be doing SO why would I waste Months on end Wallowing over it to Begin with? Would I be upset after a breakup? Yes but Reasonably upset, and nothing more because I know that all relationships End at one time or another for one reason or another and I Know I'll be fine. I have the Knowledge And confidence Knowing I Can and Have Gotten Through it before. Now if and when it happens its no where Near as hard.

 

Going through this is a part of life and a valuable learning lesson as cliche as that sounds. You'll be a stronger better person for going through it. Yes ofcourse a short cut through all of this would be nice but it won't benifit you Nearly as much as embracing This whole thing. Don't mask your pain w booze or with a rebound. Feel it. Ull be fine.

 

Now about 12 years later I am almost 3 months separated from my wife..no kids but a tough situation none the less. Though I'm upset, I'm ok, and I Know either way I am going to come out on top and my life Will be great and filled w great experiences married or not. I know this because of what I had gone through years prior and I wouldn't exchange that experience. One terrible break up when I was in my early 20s for a life time of wisdom/confidence in dealing w relationships and breakups.

[metaversus]

I still miss him and wish he was still in my life in some way, but that's not possible now.

[kztar]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. This forum has really helped me and is helping me get through this along with my friends and family. Some days are harder than others but I plan to stick to NC forever. I know that it will get easier with time but some days I have really bad anxiety and I want to text him. instead I think of how bad he was to me towards the end of the relationship and write in a journal and cry. I FEEL all of those emotions right through me. I know this hurts soo much now but I must say that because of this experience, I will NEVER allow myself to be in this state again no matter who I date and how in love I am. I send all of you a big hug and thank you for all the advice.

[testmeasure]

(1)The innocent mistake:

I was the "perfect girlfriend" but got dumped like basura because the dude was not really ready for a relationship. He thought he was until shiit got real and the butterflies went away.

 

(2)The real, bigger mistake:

I learned some things about myself WHOOOHOO but at the price of PAIN, SUFFERING AND LOOSING WEIGHT. Soooo much fun...Wasn't there another way for me to learn these "lessons"?

 

(3) The answer to both of the above, HINDSIGHT:

Would I known this was going to happen, I would of completely avoided the guy and kept going about my awesome life BEFORE HIM.

 

3 minus 1, minus 2 equals ZERO. Half the battle with hindsight is recognition or identification. The harder thing to do is to give yourself the emotional credit for having done the best you could. That emotional credit validates what you experienced. "Would [you] have known this was going to happen"... you wouldn't have faced 1 or 2. That's your answer to 1 and 2. It's plain, it's simple, you already have it, you just have to fully believe you did your best. With your new knowledge, you would do better.

 

I'll go one better. Your best is better than most older people who have done this more...

 

(4) This is a level of wisdom most don't reach this early:

Seems like alot of people think about reconciliation including me but as much as I think about it, I do NOT want that EVER.

 

You're an over achiever on recognizing things you can now know based on past experience. Can you match that level of achievement in going back and giving yourself emotional credit for your best effort based on the best of your knowledge at the time.

 

You're describing a set of hindsight related realizations that would put me on a mountain top, yet you're experiencing the opposite. You are identifying the failure to previously meet what you now realize, without giving your previous self the credit of not having realized it. You can't recognize your previous self actually acted on the best of their knowledge and experience. Yep, let's put two things on a table. One, cognitively and intellectually recognizing and accepting hindsight. You now grant just how wrong and horrible something was that you could not previously see. Two, not emotionally accepting you did the best you could with the best of your knowledge and experience at the time. You hold your previous self responsible for seeing something they didn't have the knowledge or experience to see. The only result I can imagine is total emotional destruction that lasts for however long you hold that picture front and center of your mind.

 

 

.

[mightycpa]

kztar, you know, getting dumped is such a "manly" (for lack of a better word) thing to do. It's the kind of thing that tests you in so many ways, and makes you strong where you are weak. Once you walk through this fire, you come out as strong as hardened steel, plus you'll be all shiny and purified.

 

That's what you'll be a year from now. It really is worth the trouble. I kinda feel sorry for people who have never gone through it.