Unusual Situation (long post)

[btnh99]

Hello all I'm new here and yes, this is a very long post. I have quite an unusual story and I hope that you guys may offer some advice, help and encouragement and not judge me. I want to start this by saying that this is not a normal situation for me or anyone much in general. While I'm sure it's not the first time it's happened it's probably few and far between.

*****

I met this girl around the spring of 2013. She was working the window at a local fast food restaurant which is where I first saw her. The second I laid eyes on her I had this crazy feeling come over me that I've never felt before. As I would later find out, she had the exact same type of feeling when she saw me. It's something that I can't even describe in words. So with every intention of "talking" to her when she went to give my change, I completely choked. As I drove off I was mad at myself for not trying to talk to her. On top of that I just got that vibe from her that she thought as highly of me as I did her, which I would find out later was true. So a few weeks later I went back by with the intentions of talking to her and seeing if I could at least get her phone number. This time she actually started conversation with me and recognized my car as she just so happened to live not very far from me. Then just as I was completely comfortable and ready to give it a shot I notice an engagement ring on her finger. I was completely bummed out and went on about my way.

*****

As luck would have it, a few months later in the "people you may know" section of facebook I saw a familiar face. So, I sent a friend request and a message asking if it was who I had thought it was. Sure enough it was her. Her first reply was "yes that's me....I've been wondering who you were since the first time you came through my drive-thru!". I then found out that her and her fiance had broken up so she was now single. This was great news!* We began talking and I could tell she was really interested in me. Then after a few weeks she went cold. I didn't chase after her I just let it be. Another month or so passed by and she began texting me again. This time her interest level had gone through the roof. She was totally into me. I also found out more details of her and her ex. He had been cheating which was the cause of the split. She was younger and I just had a feeling deep down, even as crazy as she was about me, that she still hadn't learned her lesson with him. Sure enough I was right and one day while at work I saw that she was back with him. I didn't allow myself to get attached because I thought that's probably what would happen and she was going to have to learn the hard way and hopefully I could catch her down the line at some point. I messaged her later that evening to let her know I had no hard feelings and that I had figured that would happen. She messaged me back and had planned on talking to me about it she just hadn't worked up the courage to do so yet and I could tell she was relieved that I was so cool about it. So I expected that to be the last time we would speak for a long time but I was wrong. She text every single day after that for at least a month or two whenever she was not around him. I know that may sound bad on her but we never did anything other than just text...just general conversation. She never tried to see me or anything like that. She was faithful even despite what had been done to her. It got to a point to where she finally backed off but never could completely break contact with me. Then she found out she was pregnant in the fall of 2013. I was pretty bummed because I knew it was only a matter of time until her fiance did something shady to her again but the pregnancy changes things. Now, into 2014 she would still text me but they were much more spaced out and much shorter when we did talk. Overall though, she couldn't go past 2 months without texting me even if it was very brief.

*****

In the fall of 2014 she had her baby. She went through some really rough patches with her fiance but she stuck it out. Sometime early 2015, around April, they got married. It was nothing big, in fact only close family was there and they just had it in a family members living room. Come to find out she basically "forced" him into finally marrying her. She even told me that she almost contacted me in hopes that maybe I would try to talk her out of it. I never got in the middle of their relationship, however, and I never tried to tell her what she should do or anything of that nature. As mentioned before I knew it was just a matter of time before he did something else to hurt her and it was something that she would have to find out for herself.

*****

Fast forward to August of 2015 and she found out she was pregnant again with her second child. I remember thinking "well I guess that's the end of the hope of me and her ever getting together" but I couldn't have been more wrong. Around this time things started going downhill really bad in her "marriage". The husband would be gone all weekend sometimes and she wouldn't know where he was. She had text me and told me about what was going on and had said she figured it was about to be over between them. A week or so later I get a text that it was over and that they were getting a divorce. He had came to her that day and said he didn't have feelings for her anymore and that he wanted a divorce and then proceeded to have her leave. His pregnant wife and a daughter that had just turned one a few weeks prior and he kicks her out! We found out a couple of weeks later that he had been cheating on her again and was now seeing that girl.

*****

She went back to stay with her grandparents, which was the house only a couple of miles down the road from where I live. She was texting me everyday, nonstop. I have never text with someone that much in my life it was literally all day every day. She told me how she thought of me all of the time when she was with him and just couldn't get me out of her head. Initially I was cool with being her friend but with her being pregnant and in a divorce figured that was certainly not a good time to get involved. My thinking was that once she got through the divorce and then after the baby was born, at some point we could maybe pick up where we left off in 2013. This girl was just different than any other I had ever met regardless of the circumstances and I couldn't help myself and neither could she. One thing led to another and even though I tried to leave it alone and was leaning so heavily towards backing off here I was getting myself attached to her very deeply now. Despite the crazy and unusual circumstances we felt like it had to be meant to be after all of this time, and taking into consideration all of the details I have described above, we just couldn't ignore it and we both just went for it. We hit on all cylinders ALL OF THE TIME. We just connected so perfectly in every way. It was literally perfect and we were both in awe of how amazing it was becoming and how our love was truly growing. I'm not going to sit here and quote all of the stuff she said and felt about me but just know that she was absolutely beyond crazy about me and she said she finally felt truly loved by someone. She never had feelings for someone like she did for me and I felt the exact same way about her. I want to mention that I have been in a few "real" relationships, I'm not new to this but nothing has even come close to this even though it was just a short period of time. What we developed in those 5 months some people don't develop in a year in their relationship. We had these feelings for a couple of years now and were finally able to act on them. Believe it or not all of my family was perfectly fine with it regardless of the circumstances. They could all tell how happy we made each other and that we really were in love. People that were close to her said that they had never seen her so happy and one lady she works with who she is very close with told her she better not ever let me go. She could see the happiness and love I made her feel as could everyone else.

*****

A couple of months later she started going through a depressive stage. A lot of it was hormones from the pregnancy. She told me she didn't need to be seeing anyone right now and said she needed to be alone to figure things out in her life. It hurt but there wasn't anything I could do about it. A week and a half later and she came right back. She said she realized she couldn't and wouldn't want to live this life without me and even though it would be tough for this to work with all of this going on she just couldn't let me go. Things were great again and I found out that during that time where we were "apart" she had actually went to her ex and told him that she just did not have any feelings for him and that she doesn't believe she was ever even truly in love with him...he told her he had thought the same thing before. Since they had split a few months earlier he was seeing the girl that he cheated on her with. That ended up not working out and shortly after he stopped seeing that girl he started trying to get back with the girl I am talking about here and was seeing. He would call crying sometimes, he would make passes at her when they would meet for their baby but every time she would tell him no, it was over. He would try to guilt her into feeling bad for not coming back to him and not "trying to work it out", he would talk very mean to her at times calling her names and tell her "I know you'll come back to me eventually". It's really sad because he had this mental control over her when they were together and even when they were split up she would let things bother her that she shouldn't even worry about. She was just too nice and too much of a sweetheart and she had let him beat her down mentally and emotionally. He saw 3 different girls throughout this period of time and as long as he was seeing someone he wouldn't bother her. Those are the periods when they actually got along like they should but as soon as he wasn't seeing someone he would start bothering her again. She was very open and honest with me about everything. I trusted her completely....she would tell me every time he would make a pass at her or make comments or anything trying to get her to come back, she always told me EVERYTHING and that was awesome because it showed me even more how much she cared about me and that she was an honest person.

***

We had a great Christmas and new year. By the way, I love kids and I'm very good with them and she loved that and how well her daughter took to me. She told me I had pretty much done more for that child and paid more attention to her than her father ever had. Not only did I get attached to her but also the little girl. They also both got very attached to my family and my family did them too. She and my sister became great friends and she absolutely loved my mother. My mother loved her as well, in fact she's the only girl I've ever been with that my mother told that she loved. Everything surrounding this situation and relationship was just so real.

*****

Things were going great until about 4 weeks ago. One evening she told me she wanted to take a step back. The birth of the child and the divorce being final was only a couple of months away and she just felt bad and guilty about having to sneak around to be with me and thought it was best to wait a couple of more months. When I say sneak around what I mean is she kept it a secret from her ex to avoid confrontation and also from her grandparents who she was living with. Although she told me she knew they would love me, they are "old fashioned" and didn't like the idea of her being with someone until the divorce was final and that's completely understandable. It's definitely not a good time to be with someone in this circumstance but as I have learned, when you truly have feelings and love someone, nothing is going to stop it from happening.

*****

The first few days after the wanting to "take a step back conversation" things were pretty normal. She was still texting me like normal and calling me. This started tapering off until finally it would be several days that go by that we wouldn't speak. I hoped that it was just part of the taking a step back but I feared there might be more to it. I was worrying myself to death over it and then a couple of weeks ago my fears came true. She tells me that she's been doing a lot of thinking and thinks that it's best that she "set me free" and that she needed to focus on other things in her life and it just wasn't the right time for a relationship and she didn't want to drag me around right now. That was my thoughts in the beginning but we both went for it. It was a shock that this was happening now after all of this and I was devastated. Then when I thought it couldn't get any worse two days later it did. She blocked me on Facebook, and I found out that she and her ex were friends on there again and they are now back together. She didn't remove anyone from my family which is odd but she has now gone back to him and is making one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Besides his cheating ways it's unbelievable how disrespectful he and his family have treated her. I just can't believe she's doing this after all of this time and the divorce was so damn close to being final. She almost made it.

*****

I accepted the fact that it wasn't a good time for this relationship even though I got so attached to her I knew it was for the best right now but that we loved each other so much it would work out when the time was right and everything had settled down. It was hard but I could manage that but her going back to him now has absolutely and completely ripped me apart. I can't bare to see the person I love and who I know truly loves me, destroy her life like this. I don't know what to do and I'm hurting. How is she gonna go without contact with me when she couldn't make it two full months without doing so in the past when they were together? The thing is, this isn't just about me. It's about her and those babies too. I just know something will happen again and he will cheat on her or hurt her in someway again. Any other person/situation and I would have been done with it and moved on a long time ago but it was just so different with this girl. I know that deep down she knows It's not the right thing to do and she's only doing it as a matter of convenience right now. She's been stressed to the max and dealing with everything on top of the pregnancy depression and in a moment of weakness she's made a bad decision.

*****

I know It's a crazy situation and one that I should have probably kept my patience with and waited it out for a better time, which is what I wanted to do initially, but what happens now? This dude will think he can get away with anything now. Is she just trapped now in a situation that she will never have the strength to get out of or will it be just a matter of time before he does something again and they will split? I just don't know what to think or do and it hurts bad right now. Any advice/help/encouragement/guidance would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length of the post but I wanted to include as much detail as possible so everyone could understand the whole situation as it is quite unique. I've never had an issue with break-up's. It has never bothered me like this and it just blows my mind. Sure break up's suck but this one is just completely different for me. I know her and what she has been through in her life with her mother and she's not had it easy. She's afraid to stand up for herself which is why she has been treated the way she has by him and he has gotten away with it. He just uses her and takes advantage of her and It's really sad and hurts that there's nothing I can do to protect her right now. I'm just afraid she's trapped now and she might never get the strength to do the right thing. What I have for her is a true love and even if we were never together I hate seeing her go back down this road. I can't help but give her the benefit of the doubt that if she had not been pregnant this would have not happened. I say this because the pregnancy caused a lot of depression on top of everything that was going on. It was just a tough situation all around and she often told me how thankful she was for being blessed with me amidst all of the chaos. I also know that a lot of her worry was about things like once the baby was getting close to being due and once she had the baby it was going to be very hectic and hard on us. She may have fooled herself into thinking it's the right thing but deep down she knows it's not. It hurts with it going from being so amazing to now as if I never existed. I feel like that's maybe her way of trying to not think about me, by trying to bury her feelings and thoughts of me but I don't know? I feel like it's inevitable that he will hurt her again but I'm not sure. He's done it over and over and he had told a mutual friend of theirs when they were split up that he "liked having her around but he always has to have a side chic". I just don't know what to do or think right now and would appreciate your thoughts and opinions. I've just been really bummed out about this and thought I would post here and give it a shot to get others opinions. It would be one thing if this had been a girl that I had just met. I could write it off as it was just someone who got attached really quick and then decides that they don't really feel the way they thought (I've experienced that before) but that's not how this situation is. This is someone whom I have known and has been crazy about me for a long time and was even more crazy about me once she got to be with me. I know it was no fluke. What is the meaning of all of this? Will she contact me again? I don't understand. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read and my apologies again for the length.

******

[Brando]

You got mixed up in a situation you should not have. You mention often that she is making huge mistakes...these are her mistakes to make. Her actions no longer concern you. Sorry to say and I know it hurts.

 

She may have felt something for you, but I see it as you were more filling her void while her ex was absent. I assume she will always be wrapped up with her ex until she learns her lesson and decides enough is enough. You cannot control that decision and you certainly should not wait around. IMO a woman with a child will often go to greater length to save a relationship with the child's father than anyone else because they often value the family aspect and pursue the image they've created of a happy family (even if it's a deluded image).

 

Go NC and don't get involved with her again. Heal yourself and find someone who won't leave you. I don't see children as baggage because I've dated women with kids and I have one as well, but I do see a woman who is not over her ex as baggage (I knew where the story was going before I reached the end).

 

Remove yourself completely from the situation. Let her learn her mistakes by herself and honestly....there is a possibility that it's not a mistake...maybe they will figure it out, but you shouldn't be around to see what happens.

 

Do you! Heal, move on and see what the future holds.

[Satu]

There is so much make-believe involved in the way you are looking at this, that its hard to know where to begin.

 

She ended the relationship with you because she wanted to.

 

She chose someone else over you because she wanted to.

 

She feels more for him than she feels for you.

 

She is exactly where she wants to be.

 

If you don't come to an acceptance of those facts, you'll never get over this.

 

Give up the make-believe, and look at the actual real-world situation.

 

There's nothing cooking between you and her.

 

Absolutely nothing.

 

Get your feet on the ground, and start healing from the huge loss that this has been for you.

 

Get some counselling.

 

I've been very blunt about this, but I think you need to wake up from the dream you've created.

 

 

Take care.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Satu

[btnh99]

I'm not going to wait around on her. I didn't before and I won't now. I agree with the fact that women will try harder to make a relationship work with someome they have kids with and that's the reason I feel she has gone back. I certainly understand where you are coming from Satu I'm just having a hard time believing right now that she truly feels more for him than she did for me. Maybe she thinks she does right now but I just believe that goes back to the aforementioned fact that women try to make it work when kids are involved. Knowing how she was stressed about everything it was the "easiest" option for her or "the path with the least resistance". It wasn't just the cheating that was bad in that relationship, it was literally every aspect (including his family who are beyond disrespectful to her). I only briefly touched on that topic in my long post lol. She told me even at it's best it wasn't great and she never felt a true love but she keeps trying to force it to be something it's not. She was always the one contacting me which is why it's hard for me to believe that she won't attempt to contact me again in a few months. I never contacted her, she always reached out first and was the one thinking about me all of the time. I never got attached until we got involved. It's just a tough situation for me and would be so much easier if this were someone I had just met. With the history of it and knowing what I know now makes it really hard. Thank you guys for the advice. I'm working on getting through this.

[Satu]

I'm not going to wait around on her. I didn't before and I won't now. I agree with the fact that women will try harder to make a relationship work with someome they have kids with and that's the reason I feel she has gone back. I certainly understand where you are coming from Satu I'm just having a hard time believing right now that she truly feels more for him than she did for me. *Maybe she thinks she does right now but I just believe that goes back to the aforementioned fact that women try to make it work when kids are involved. Knowing how she was stressed about everything it was the "easiest" option for her or "the path with the least resistance". It wasn't just the cheating that was bad in that relationship, it was literally every aspect (including his family who are beyond disrespectful to her). I only briefly touched on that topic in my long post lol. She told me even at it's best it wasn't great and she never felt a true love but she keeps trying to force it to be something it's not. She was always the one contacting me which is why it's hard for me to believe that she won't attempt to contact me again in a few months. I never contacted her, she always reached out first and was the one thinking about me all of the time. I never got attached until we got involved. It's just a tough situation for me and would be so much easier if this were someone I had just met. With the history of it and knowing what I know now makes it really hard. Thank you guys for the advice. I'm working on getting through this.

 

*No. She doesn't think she does. She actually does.

 

You are painting a pretty picture to cover up a painful reality.

 

You're not ready to look reality in the face yet, but I hope you get there before very much time passes.

 

 

Take care.

[Brando]

She made her decision. It's move on time. Don't get sucked in again. She leans on you when her ex and her are having issues.

 

Read the NC guide and follow it. I knew in your intro she was going back to her ex. You didn't because you were involved.

 

I'm sure it hurts because you sacrificed a lot and it seems you love her, but Satu is right in saying your vision is deluded.

 

Once your removed you will take a deep breath and say thank god I got out of that one!

[btnh99]

Well I guess I'm just confused because she was the one that was always contacting me and always thinking about me when she was with him. Then once we were together she told me many times and in more ways than one that she never had the feelings for someone else (including him) like she does for me. She told me the first time we separated for those couple of weeks that she "beleives I'm the right one for her, I'm just afraid it's the wrong time". Why is that if she does really care for him more? I'm not trying to disagree or say you're wrong I'm just curious about what you make of stuff like that? I remember her doctor referred her to a counselor when she started going through the depression. It was a Christian based organization who believed in avoiding divorce at all costs. She stopped going because she said she was "afraid that they are going to try to pursuade and push me towards going back and doing something that I know is not what I need to do in the long run because I never should have married him in the first place". It's just all so confusing and it's not necessarily that I'm not trying to acknowledge certain things it's just hard to find the truth amidst everything that has happened.

[Satu]

*It's just hard to find the truth amidst everything that has happened.

 

*The truth is what is.

 

What is, is the truth.

 

That which is objectively apparent.

[Brando]

Actions>words

[btnh99]

I agree and I've certainly dealt with "words" from females before that held no value but this time didn't just seem different, it felt different. So if she starts contacting me again, what do I tell her?

[Satu]

I agree and I've certainly dealt with "words" from females before that held no value but this time didn't just seem different, it felt different. *So if she starts contacting me again, what do I tell her?

 

*That would partially depend on what she says, and you have no idea what that might be.

[Brando]

She can't....she's blocked and you're in NC mode??

 

Sorry man. I see this as an absolute no brainier!! Remove yourself fully from this situation!!

[Brando]

She can't....she's blocked and you're in NC mode??

 

Sorry man. I see this as an absolute no brainier!! Remove yourself fully from this situation!!

 

There's so many reason and signs that you need to remove yourself completely. If I wasn't on the iPhone I'd type them all out.

[Satu]

“Romeo: I dreamt a dream tonight.

Mercutio: And so did I.

Romeo: Well, what was yours?

Mercutio: That dreamers often lie.

Romeo: In bed asleep while they do dream things true.”

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

[btnh99]

Brando I can understand you saying it's a no-brainer, but for me it's not. I know I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning and stayed back and found out if maybe a better time would present itself for us but I didn't. I couldn't help it and that's part of what has made this so hard is that I've never been drawn into someone like this. I've had my share of dates, girlfriends, long term relationship, etc. but this was different. I know, especially considering the situation, it may look silly or foolish but for me it sucks and it's not as cut and dry as I wish it was.

[Brando]

Brando I can understand you saying it's a no-brainer, but for me it's not. I know I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning and stayed back and found out if maybe a better time would present itself for us but I didn't. I couldn't help it and that's part of what has made this so hard is that I've never been drawn into someone like this. I've had my share of dates, girlfriends, long term relationship, etc. but this was different. I know, especially considering the situation, it may look silly or foolish but for me it sucks and it's not as cut and dry as I wish it was.

 

It's a no brainier for you too. Admit it or not....you're brain knows what to do, but you're emotions are clouding your logic. You want what you can't have. You had a strong emotional attachment and it's not reciprocated. So often, we think if we have such strong feelings the other shares them. If she did, you wouldn't be here typing.

 

I can see you're hurt and grieving. It's a process. I don't think you're silly or foolish. Just heartbroken. Soon though, logic will start to overcome emotion and you will see things clear.

 

You keep making it sound like some love story that is yet to unfold or that couldn't unfold due to rough timing.

 

It's not...she left you for another guy. Fact...move on time.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Brando

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow, this girl is all kinds of mixed-up. She has been through a lot and needs to mature.

 

OP, you really need to detach from her. Stop being Plan B for her. She bounces back and forth between her husband and you, but it's clear her first priority isn't you - it's him. She has made a choice to remain married to someone else. Don't get involved in that. It's not fair to you, or her children.

 

If she contacts you, tell her simply not to contact you again unless and until she is divorced. Period.

[BeFierce]

bthn99, leave. the. milf. alone.

 

if you want to be the mother theresa of single moms, you don't have to look far.Where I used to work at- they were all single moms. It's not that hard.

 

I know you genuinely cared about this woman and you have an amaaaaazing heart, but perhaps it was also a blow to your ego. Here you are the complete opposite of her ghetto husband, and you loved her kids- so why not me. Why him, you might be asking yourself.

 

just know that this situation is not about you. this lady is in this relationship for a reason, because she needs to learn a lesson in her life that is crucial. Like Brando said, she is exactly where she needs to be. And so are you.

 

besides, you might find your soul mate at the wendy's window instead. you might as well try them all: KFC, burger king, taco bell who knows...

 

P.S. Now please do everyone a favor and start enjoying your life! Never carry other people's problems on your shoulders NEVER. Stop fretting and start livin