katiegrl Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 I did ask him to get a drink, and he was busy. He never asked me again. Not interested (romantically), nor will he ever be. Sorry. 1
hasaquestion Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 He may not want a girlfriend right now but he also doesn't know me very well. I also am recently out of a long relationship, so I'm not sure I necessarily want a boyfriend just yet. I just want to hangout and get to know him better. My ex was like that. He and I just hungout casually for months and once we knew each other better, we decided to pursue a relationship. It lasted 6 years. Well it sounds like you have a good idea what you're getting into at least. People can grow on each other, absolutely. But counting on it is a recipe for disaster. The big thing is recognizing that and not putting your eggs in one basket and chasing this guy. Keep flirting along at work and see what happens. If he wants you he will come get you. No need to ask him out again imo.
kendahke Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 He may not want a girlfriend right now but he also doesn't know me very well. However, he's not shown any indication that he does want to know you very well. He's had more than enough time to make that plain and he hasn't. If he had, your post wouldn't be here. He might not like mixing work and dating because of all the messiness that can ensue. From what you've written here, it sounds like he's been trying to drop hints without having to come out and say "No, I'm not interested". You're not picking up on it because you want to date him, but you really need to step back and look at this from the outside. If this was one of your friends telling you this, what would you say to her? I'd leave it alone. If he wants to get to know you better, he knows where you work. 1
hasaquestion Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Phrased another way, and leaving out the work angle (which is really impossible to leave out)... your optimal strategy is to move on. Things could work out the way you'd like them to. But you have much better odds of finding someone else who sees you as "A" in the analogy, than changing this one's mind. If you're fine with "B" that's something else, but even then getting that somewhere other than work would be cleaner, no?
katiegrl Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) And to the OP..... men (and women) don't develop attraction based on your personality or how great a woman you are..... or knowing you better, feeling more comfortable with you, etc. They base it on chemistry... that undefinable energy generating between you. Same for women. Typically, they feel that very quickly so if he's not feeling it now.... it's doubtful he ever will. Edited February 10, 2016 by katiegrl 2
stillafool Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 If you asked him out for a drink and he couldn't make it he would have jumped at the chance to make another plan to be with you if he was the least bit interested. He has avoided you twice and I would move on at this point if I were you. You can't make someone like you, chase you unless they feel it and everything about what you've posted says he doesn't. 1
Zahara Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 My ex was like that. He and I just hungout casually for months and once we knew each other better, we decided to pursue a relationship. It lasted 6 years. The difference here is that your ex and you probably wanted to hang out? While this guy has clearly shut you down twice. You shouldn't ask him again. You don't want to be the one that ends up doing the chasing. Maybe keep flirting and see what happens.
katiegrl Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 He may not want a girlfriend right now but he also doesn't know me very well. I also am recently out of a long relationship, so I'm not sure I necessarily want a boyfriend just yet. I just want to hangout and get to know him better. My ex was like that. He and I just hungout casually for months and once we knew each other better, we decided to pursue a relationship. It lasted 6 years. And how was your RL? Nice? Comfortable? Like a friendship? OR... Was it passionate? Exciting? Hot? Could you not wait to see him? Just seeing a text from him got you excited? Not saying that a LTR should be passionate and exciting all the time... there are peaks and valleys.... of course! But certainly at the beginning most people want to feel that way at least. 1
Buddhist Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 How can I get to know him better? Should I back off, as now I feel like I may be coming on too strong? I did ask him to get a drink AND tried to get him to do this project with me. How can I get him interested in me (or at least enough to get to know me better)? How can I get him to chase me? Is it possible to get a guy into you if he isn't now? Have a look at what you've put out there and what you've gotten back. Two invitations and two refusals. Forget about anything else at this stage. It appears that he is happy with things just as they are. I have people who flirt with me at work, their eyes light up, touching and fun etc. But they just like me as a person and who I am at work. They don't want an intimate relationship with me. It's friendly banter and that's all it is. I know this because the men in question are gay and in relationships. Maybe that's all it is in your case as well.
Author thejabberwocky Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 Thank you all, this is really helpful! Tbh I think I've accidentally chased him, and I mean just generally speaking, doesn't that kind of kill the attraction for men? I'm going to back off, play it cool, and be patient (ugh) and see if he will start pursuing me. Can't hurt to see right? It's not like I want to date anyone else!
Popsicle Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Have you considered that maybe he has a girl already?
mattelipstick Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I read through your past threads, OP. You invited him to a party. He did not/could not come, and did not attempt to make alternative plans with you. You invited him for a drink. He did not/could not come, and did not attempt to make alternative plans with you. You invited him to help with a project to spend more time. He did not/could not take it, and did not attempt to make alternative plans with you. The denials aside -- the part that should jump out at you is that he has never attempted to make alternative plans, despite all of those open doors. I think it's safe to say he isn't terribly interested -- and at this point, I'm pretty sure he knows you are. I would back ALL the way off and consider the ball firmly, completely and squarely in his court. Try not to drive yourself nuts reading into everything he does. Some people are just flirty/tactile by nature, and others like to have a "work wife" or "work husband" with no intention of taking things beyond flirty banter in the workplace. To your specific question -- sure, someone could not be interested in your initially and become interested later on, once they get to know you better. But I think you've done enough at this point to sit back and let him take the lead if he ever becomes more interested. 1
Author thejabberwocky Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 So I like this guy from my work and to sum up previous posts, I've asked him a couple times to casually hangout and it's never worked out. He's had plans and while he acted really apologetic, he never made alternative plans so I had given up on him liking me. Until Valentine's Day. I was working late with him and this other guy and he asked me what my plans were. I told him I was meeting a friend for a drink at a nearby bar as she's been recently dumped. I asked about his and he said no plans, but he was really tired from working at his other job earlier that day (our job is part-time, so we all have outside careers) and couldn't wait to go home and sleep. The other guy and I have always been friendly and when we were leaving, I mentioned to both of them that if they're not doing anything, they're welcome to come to the bar with me. My crush said no, he was just too exhausted. But then the other guy said sure! So my crush gets into his car and the other guy and I discuss where the bar is to meet up. We get into our cars and as I'm about to leave, my crush comes running out of his car and banging on my window. He says, "Wait wait wait actually, I'll come! I'll totally come! Where is it?" It was so awkward and I was so surprised. I think he got into his car and was like, oh no she's going out with this other guy on Valentine's Day! So he came. At the bar, he rushed to grab the seat near me, and kept touching me, resting his leg against mine the whole time, teasing me about my dating life (nonexistent, as I'm recently out of a long relationship and haven't dated since), and just... acting like he likes me! We stayed until the bar closed and then he just said goodbye and hugged me. Nothing else. And I haven't heard from him since! But the other guy was right there, he probably felt uncomfortable. So now what? I'm pretty sure he likes me!
scorpiogirl Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I think if he liked you, he would have accepted your previous invitations, or extended one himself by now. Maybe you should just go about your business and forget about him. He'll drive you nuts if you let him. He knows you're interested, and he likes the attention but if push comes to shove, he's not going to step up to the plate. He rushed to come out with you and other guy because he doesn't want to lose your ego-stroking attention. He might very well realise he's interested in you, but until then maybe you should let go of your "crush". 1
sin miedo Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Tread carefully - this guy is an ego-booster. He probably does not actually like you, but he sure does like the attention! If he actually did like you, he would have accepted your advances earlier. Now that he has some competition, he will go out of his way to not let someone else get you! Ignore this prick. And this is coming from a guy! 1
Author thejabberwocky Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 (edited) Here's the thing... I think he may just be really nervous to ask me out. Is that possible? Because the first time I asked him to hangout, I invited him to a friend's party (and I also invited other coworkers too) and he had to work. Good excuse. The second time I asked if he wanted to grab a drink after our shift and he had plans - but he was so nervous and was like "Oh my God, any other time I would love to!" But then he didn't suggest another time. The third time wasn't really me asking him out - I asked him to help with a work-related project (hoping to spend some more time with him) but he was assigned to a different project and it was just too much work for him to both. So he never REALLY rejected me... but I also feel like that since I asked him to get a drink that one time, he should be comfortable enough to reschedule? Unless he's really that nervous? He's very shy and doesn't seem like he has much experience dating. Or am I just making excuses? Edited February 18, 2016 by thejabberwocky
Author thejabberwocky Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 Ask him ON A DATE. I ALREADY DID! I asked him to go for a drink and he said he'd love to but he had plans, but he wants to do it any other time! But he didn't suggest another time. I don't want to get pushy and be like OKAY, NOW IS GOOD, but at the same time, like why wouldn't he just be like "oh hey, how about this day?" I mean, is he really that nervous?
road Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I ALREADY DID! I asked him to go for a drink and he said he'd love to but he had plans, but he wants to do it any other time! But he didn't suggest another time. I don't want to get pushy and be like OKAY, NOW IS GOOD, but at the same time, like why wouldn't he just be like "oh hey, how about this day?" I mean, is he really that nervous? One never make an open invitation. Such as we should go out for a drink, is bad. You run the risk of getting a non answer such as: that would be great or another time. Leaves you to guess that they do not want to out with you. Let's go for a drink this Friday, at 6 pm, at Joe's bar, is good. You will get a yes or no. You will know whether they want to go out with you. At this point I want to say congrats on standing up and asking him out. I would guess by his response that he does not want to go out. So at this point I would leave the ball in his court. You chased him and showed that you are interested. It is his turn to show you where he stands. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Here's the thing... I think he may just be really nervous to ask me out. Is that possible? Because the first time I asked him to hangout, I invited him to a friend's party (and I also invited other coworkers too) and he had to work. Good excuse. The second time I asked if he wanted to grab a drink after our shift and he had plans - but he was so nervous and was like "Oh my God, any other time I would love to!" But then he didn't suggest another time. The third time wasn't really me asking him out - I asked him to help with a work-related project (hoping to spend some more time with him) but he was assigned to a different project and it was just too much work for him to both. So he never REALLY rejected me... but I also feel like that since I asked him to get a drink that one time, he should be comfortable enough to reschedule? Unless he's really that nervous? He's very shy and doesn't seem like he has much experience dating. Or am I just making excuses? Omgggggg Delusional much?!? Sorry but this is quite sad. He didn't "really" reject you? Uhh...... he kind of did 3 times!?!??! My gosh, you can do so much better than chasing a guy down who has taken NO initiative to date you. He's single. No one is too busy to pursue a woman that they're REALLY into. Yes some people don't fall head over heels and it takes them longer to grow into love... but men are different to women in how they fall in love; women can not feel an initial spark and end up falling headover heels for a guy later down the track despite not being excited about them initially. Men fall in love differently to women because they either feel the immediate spark or chemistry and fall hard early on......or they never do. Yes, men can grow into love without the initial "wow I need to try and date this girl " and butterflies, but they never fall IN love if they don't feel the early connection and excitement surrounding dating you..... I have dated a lot. ALL the men that were into me showed it. Even shy and socially retarded men:lmao: On the other hand, EVERY guy that just wasn't that into me behaved EXACTLY in the manner in which your "crush" has been behaving....... Yes there are exceptions to the rule. Are you really desperate enough to cling onto hope that you may be the 5% out of 100% that isthe rare exception to the rule? Think about it. It shouldn'tbe this way. It's no good start to a relationship. Me and my friend got men that were smitten with us immediately and we never had to ask them to hang out repeatedly; they asked us and simply jumpedat the chance to spend time with us. If we weren't available they asked again! If they weren't available they took the initiative to re schedule! 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Here's the thing... I think he may just be really nervous to ask me out. Is that possible? Because the first time I asked him to hangout, I invited him to a friend's party (and I also invited other coworkers too) and he had to work. Good excuse. The second time I asked if he wanted to grab a drink after our shift and he had plans - but he was so nervous and was like "Oh my God, any other time I would love to!" But then he didn't suggest another time. The third time wasn't really me asking him out - I asked him to help with a work-related project (hoping to spend some more time with him) but he was assigned to a different project and it was just too much work for him to both. So he never REALLY rejected me... but I also feel like that since I asked him to get a drink that one time, he should be comfortable enough to reschedule? Unless he's really that nervous? He's very shy and doesn't seem like he has much experience dating. Or am I just making excuses? You're making excuses. My boyfriend has medically diagnosed CRIPPLING social anxiety. He was totally single for years prior to meeting me. When we first crossed paths he was SOOOO nervous. He turned into a babbling school boy:love: His extreme nerves and the fact he is a shy introvert didn't stop him..... I helped a lot by suggesting we hang out sometime and he then took the initiative to ask for my number. Despite me having to make that first move, he actually followed it up snd called me as soon as he finished work that day we first met! Yes men get shy and nervous. My boyfriends was absolutely crappingg his pants when we met and he admitted that he didn't know if he would have had the courage to ask for my number had I not initiated the talk of hanging out sometime! Men sometimes need us girls to encourage them and even make some bold first moves. Men who are actually into you follow it up and prove to you many times over that they will make the first move on many other instances thereafter. 2
kidm Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I would hang back and let him come to you. You have pursued him enough sheesh. I don't care how socially awkward or nervous he is, he is very well aware that you like him and will not be rejected if he asked you out (which is usually the source of most of the nervousness and anxiety). The fact that he has not even initiated after all your attempts is very telling. Please don't ask him to do anything else; it comes off extremely desperate. 1
loveflower Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Here's the thing... I think he may just be really nervous to ask me out. Is that possible? Because the first time I asked him to hangout, I invited him to a friend's party (and I also invited other coworkers too) and he had to work. Good excuse. The second time I asked if he wanted to grab a drink after our shift and he had plans - but he was so nervous and was like "Oh my God, any other time I would love to!" But then he didn't suggest another time. The third time wasn't really me asking him out - I asked him to help with a work-related project (hoping to spend some more time with him) but he was assigned to a different project and it was just too much work for him to both. So he never REALLY rejected me... but I also feel like that since I asked him to get a drink that one time, he should be comfortable enough to reschedule? Unless he's really that nervous? He's very shy and doesn't seem like he has much experience dating. Or am I just making excuses? yes, it's possible if you have super model looks and he is just an over-weighted average Joe....he might think it's too good to be true. but then after you asked him 3 times, even an average Joe will jump on it.
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