day 8, was doing good but broke down today

February 14, 2016

My ex and I were together for about 2 yrs. he's 53, never been married, no kids. I'm 44 divorced with 2 kids. We live an hour apart. So, from the get go, the issue was the long distance( not really) and the fact that he doesn't know if he wants kids. he's 53!! anyway, we got super close, took vacations and he got attached to my kids and so did they. But his lingering complaints is that he's always alone during the week and maybe wants to explore the possibility of having a family. I made it clear that I'm not having anymore children.So, we have so much love for each other but obviously, timing isn't right. I was hoping his wanting to have a kid will blow over as he loves my kids and he's a bit old. Anyway, last fall, he started to withdraw, said he's not content. We break up but of course, he wants to stay friends. I put him on 30 day no contact, after that we had limited contact and he visited couple times and celebrated xmas with the kids but he didn't spend the night anymore. It's been a month and a half and now he txted my son wanting to come visit .I said ok so everyone's excited. Then he said he can't stay the nite. I asked why, he said cz he's dating and its serious!! huh, how can that be serious already?? like you gonna have a baby tomorrow? So I cancelled the visit. he couldn't understand why him seeing someone changes anything as we are just friends now. I'm sad obviously I still love him, kids were sad, he was sad cz he cares for me, kids. I feel guilty but what was I supposed to do? suck it up for all of them? I have no choice now but to let him go and no contact and hoping that this rebound will blow over and he ditches the kid idea. He wants the comfort of having us around while exploring out there if he can have a child or a full time gf whom he can see everyday. I feel bad as he truly adores my kids .how long should I give this? 6 months no contact?

February 14, 2016

No, you go No Contact forever. Why do you keep trying to put a timeline on it? No Contact is meant to help you find closure in yourself and move on.

You did the right thing by canceling his visit. It's not fair to your kids to have this man in and out of their lives, and it gives you false hope. You two simply cannot be friends right now. It's too soon and he is now dating someone else. There is no friendship here. I think both of you really need to start treating this a true break-up.

If he's serious about wanting to start his own family, that's not something that's just going to "blow over." Sure, he's 53, but only he knows what's really best for him. I'm certain he loved your children, but for many, that's just not the same as having children of their own. He probably realizes his opportunity to be a father are dwindling and thus he wants to act soon. The issue of having children is something that a couple absolutely need to see eye-to-eye on.

In the end, though it hurts, you need to really detach from this man. Indefinitely. Even if his current relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you two would automatically reconcile. The problems that existed before would still be there.

February 14, 2016

Even if his current relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you two would automatically reconcile. The problems that existed before would still be there.

^^^^ This

YOU need to be realistic here, YOUR kids are no substitute for kids of his own and as you are not willing or maybe even able to have kids, then he does not see you as long term relationship material.

As a man, it is possible for him to father children till very late in life, so this "problem" you two have, is unlikely to just disappear.

He did the right thing by ending it, as you are not compatible. What he wants, you don't want.

I know it is a bit late for him to suddenly want kids and a family, but it happens.

Sometimes people just ride through life and only discover the desire for having a family late on, but it doesn't mean that drive is any less than had they had the same thoughts at 30.

February 14, 2016

I know that I have to let him go so he can explore that option of having his own kids. What I'm battling about is he tells me that in 3-4 years time, when my kids go off to college, to come back to him and we can really be together. I wasn't willing to uproot my family to move where he is, so we are just waiting it out I guess.So, that's the other factor. But yes, I understand I have no choice but to let him go. What do I do with my 13 yr old whom he communicates with thru txts? I can't tell both of them to stop communicating as the ex has been a positive influence on him. So what I see is, either way, he will , weeks down the line, as it happened before in the 1st break up, reach out to my son. Do I tell my son to just forget about him and he will get over it eventually? He had always thank me for having him part of our lives. I don't think he can just erase that attachment and move on to someone else.

February 14, 2016

No, you go No Contact forever. Why do you keep trying to put a timeline on it? No Contact is meant to help you find closure in yourself and move on.

You did the right thing by canceling his visit. It's not fair to your kids to have this man in and out of their lives, and it gives you false hope. You two simply cannot be friends right now. It's too soon and he is now dating someone else. There is no friendship here. I think both of you really need to start treating this a true break-up.

If he's serious about wanting to start his own family, that's not something that's just going to "blow over." Sure, he's 53, but only he knows what's really best for him. I'm certain he loved your children, but for many, that's just not the same as having children of their own. He probably realizes his opportunity to be a father are dwindling and thus he wants to act soon. The issue of having children is something that a couple absolutely need to see eye-to-eye on.

In the end, though it hurts, you need to really detach from this man. Indefinitely. Even if his current relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you two would automatically reconcile. The problems that existed before would still be there.

What do i do when he reaches out to my son or if my son does texts him as they do communicate?

February 14, 2016

What do i do when he reaches out to my son or if my son does texts him as they do communicate?

You make it clear he is not to come to your home. No more holidays spent together, no more nights with the kids and you. I don't think it's a wise idea for him to spend time with him or contact him at all anymore, honestly. Both for your son and for you. Since your son is a minor, I would tell him he needs to inform you if your ex contacts him. You have a right as a parent to keep an eye on communications between your child and an adult, especially when that adult is an ex. I have a feeling that will fizzle out anyway as he gets more serious with his new girlfriend. I don't imagine she'd be too thrilled about him reaching out an ex's child.

And yes, you do need to let this man go. Don't entertain any discussion about what might happen in 3-4 years time. You will probably have moved on by then, I would think. Start treating the relationship as it is: over.

Edited February 14, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

February 14, 2016

I'm confused about several things. You said the hour distance wasn't a problem, then you said he wanted to be someone during the week. You said he isn't sure if he wants kids, but, now, he wants to explore the idea of having kids. I hope that a grown man isn't that confused because it doesn't bode well for a relationship. The bottom line is that he does not want a relationship with you for whatever reason. NC is the only way forward, and that means NC with your kids. It's confusing for a kid when adults begin to dip in and our of their lives without clearly defined roles. One minute, you are dating him. The next, you are broken up but spending Christmas together. That is not a good example of stability for your kids.

Also, with regards to NC, you don't put him on 30 days NC, you put yourself on NC. It's for you to move on. Not a punishment for him.

February 14, 2016

I know that I have to let him go so he can explore that option of having his own kids. What I'm battling about is he tells me that in 3-4 years time, when my kids go off to college, to come back to him and we can really be together. I wasn't willing to uproot my family to move where he is, so we are just waiting it out I guess.So, that's the other factor. But yes, I understand I have no choice but to let him go. What do I do with my 13 yr old whom he communicates with thru txts? I can't tell both of them to stop communicating as the ex has been a positive influence on him. So what I see is, either way, he will , weeks down the line, as it happened before in the 1st break up, reach out to my son. Do I tell my son to just forget about him and he will get over it eventually? He had always thank me for having him part of our lives. I don't think he can just erase that attachment and move on to someone else.

That's just silly. So in 3-4 years, you can be together? I understand not wanting to move your kids but, I think that if he truly wanted to be with you, he would have found a way to make it work. He would have moved an hour to be with you or would have commuted and hour to work. If he really wanted to be with you, an hour distance is an obstacle he can overcome.

And yes, you can keep your ex from contacting your son. Your ex being a positive influence isn't enough of a reason for him to keep in contact with your son. You should ask your ex not to contact your son anymore. Don't put the responsibility on your son to do that. He is 13 yrs. old. Chances are, the contact will die down and go away in time anyway.

February 14, 2016

The one hour distance wasn't a problem for me. I'm busy during the week and on the weekends I was happy to be with him. he on the other hand is alone during the week and he always complained about not having someone with him everyday..he might soon realize that everyday can be tedious. Anyway, when I met him I asked why he hasn't had any kids yet..oh you know, timing, work this and that,. he met me and we clicked and after being around my family ,he realized he longs for that. He told my son if it we were not so far away, it will be a diff story. I think he would been satisfied if we were closer and can spend more time but that toppled with not sure about wanting a kid of his own was just too much for him to ignore. I was his first serious rel in 10 yrs..a handful of short term in between. Its hard to find love and that connection. But he needs to go out there and explore that. he even said if he turns 56 and it hasn't happened,then we continue?? that's why he's adamant in staying in our lives but I said no. I will post what he texted my son 2 nites ago.

February 14, 2016

You make it clear he is not to come to your home. No more holidays spent together, no more nights with the kids and you. I don't think it's a wise idea for him to spend time with him or contact him at all anymore, honestly. Both for your son and for you. Since your son is a minor, I would tell him he needs to inform you if your ex contacts him. You have a right as a parent to keep an eye on communications between your child and an adult, especially when that adult is an ex. I have a feeling that will fizzle out anyway as he gets more serious with his new girlfriend. I don't imagine she'd be too thrilled about him reaching out an ex's child.

And yes, you do need to let this man go. Don't entertain any discussion about what might happen in 3-4 years time. You will probably have moved on by then, I would think. Start treating the relationship as it is: over.

this is his txt to my son.

Hello j, of course I like your mom, and you guys very much. the complication is like versus love, and friendship versus loving companionship. Your mothers choice here is to have a little distance between us, but I am hoping that we can all be friends. I can't rule out camping in the summer, but for now, she wants distance. as the man of the house you got to give her your support. but I will always be your friend and I hope we can share what is happening in our lives, especially for now your amazing saxophone playing."

February 14, 2016

this is his txt to my son.
Hello j, of course I like your mom, and you guys very much. the complication is like versus love, and friendship versus loving companionship. Your mothers choice here is to have a little distance between us, but I am hoping that we can all be friends. I can't rule out camping in the summer, but for now, she wants distance. as the man of the house you got to give her your support. but I will always be your friend and I hope we can share what is happening in our lives, especially for now your amazing saxophone playing."

I find a lot of that text to be highly inappropriate.

Your ex should not be discussing your relationship with him, period. Your son is still a child not equipped to understand the complexities of adult relationships. There needs to be better boundaries here; it will now be up to you to enforce them. I don't think there was malicious intention here but it's not right to have this type of conversation with your child.

It sounds like he was responding to a message your son sent him. Was he?

February 14, 2016

I find a lot of that text to be highly inappropriate.

Your ex should not be discussing your relationship with him, period. Your son is still a child not equipped to understand the complexities of adult relationships. There needs to be better boundaries here; it will now be up to you to enforce them. I don't think there was malicious intention here but it's not right to have this type of conversation with your child.

It sounds like he was responding to a message your son sent him. Was he?

yes, my son texted him with a sad face( after I cancelled the visit).":( no more camping trips? you don't like my mom anymore?"

I emailed the ex after I saw this and I said don't tell him things he doesn't understand and don't give him idea that camping is still a possibility.you are with someone else.he never responded.

February 14, 2016

yes, my son texted him with a sad face( after I cancelled the visit).":( no more camping trips? you don't like my mom anymore?"
I emailed the ex after I saw this and I said don't tell him things he doesn't understand and don't give him idea that camping is still a possibility.you are with someone else.he never responded.

Good. It is better for all of you that way, in the long run.

I don't think he'll be reaching out to your son again, so you likely don't need to worry about that anymore.

February 14, 2016

But he needs to go out there and explore that. he even said if he turns 56 and it hasn't happened,then we continue?? that's why he's adamant in staying in our lives but I said no. I will post what he texted my son 2 nites ago.

I certainly hope that you keep NC. His idea of waiting until he is 56 to resume the relationship is both selfish and downright ludicrous. He's trying to keep you on the back burner.

February 14, 2016

this is his txt to my son.
Hello j, of course I like your mom, and you guys very much. the complication is like versus love, and friendship versus loving companionship. Your mothers choice here is to have a little distance between us, but I am hoping that we can all be friends. I can't rule out camping in the summer, but for now, she wants distance. as the man of the house you got to give her your support. but I will always be your friend and I hope we can share what is happening in our lives, especially for now your amazing saxophone playing."

That is inappropriate to send to a child. Really, your ex shouldn't have sent anything. You should have asked your ex to stay away, and, then, you could explain to your son that you wouldn't be seeing the ex anymore. I know these things are difficult. I was in a similar situation, but the child wasn't mine. It's hard to know what to say or how to exit the child's life when emotions are involved. I think that staying away is the best thing. In reality, kids can usually grieve these attachments quicker than us. As much as your kids may have liked your ex, they aren't going to feel the loss like you are. I think that your ex sticking around, dipping in and out, that is when things get really confusing for kids, and it's not a good example to set.

February 14, 2016

I know that I have to let him go so he can explore that option of having his own kids. What I'm battling about is he tells me that in 3-4 years time, when my kids go off to college, to come back to him and we can really be together.

Really? He knows what's going happen in 3-4 years? I don't even know what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow and this man is predicting with certainty that you both will be together. It's all empty talk. False hope so you sit around waiting while he figures out his life.

February 15, 2016

Its just so hard. Attachments are so complex. Just 3 weeks ago, we chatted on the phone for an hour like old times and he was being nostalgic. I said in the end, I hope you are happy, he said I'm ok. Now 3 weeks later, he tells me he's dating and it's serious?? Had he just just told me he's dating, it wouldn't have hurt so much but to tell me it's serious??!!

February 15, 2016

Its just so hard. Attachments are so complex. Just 3 weeks ago, we chatted on the phone for an hour like old times and he was being nostalgic. I said in the end, I hope you are happy, he said I'm ok. Now 3 weeks later, he tells me he's dating and it's serious?? Had he just just told me he's dating, it wouldn't have hurt so much but to tell me it's serious??!!

It is hard. We've all done it. Detaching from an emotional attachment is going to take time and discipline. It really doesn't matter whether he's serious about his dating or he isn't because reality is that you both want different things in life -- it still hurts to walk away regardless.

If you can't do it for yourself, think about your kid. He doesn't deserve to have someone popping in and out, providing emotional instability in his life.

February 15, 2016

It is hard. We've all done it. Detaching from an emotional attachment is going to take time and discipline. It really doesn't matter whether he's serious about his dating or he isn't because reality is that you both want different things in life -- it still hurts to walk away regardless.

If you can't do it for yourself, think about your kid. He doesn't deserve to have someone popping in and out, providing emotional instability in his life.

If I didn't press the question why he can't spend the night ( we are not having sex anymore) to the planned visit this weekend, he wouldn't have said anything about him dating and the visit would have happened. Kids happy, he's happy and I'm prob still confused. But he said it, I panicked, I cancelled. The ex has always been there for the boy and I panicked and told him, now that you have a new girlfriend, you will disappear so might as well rip the band aid now and go away..he keeps saying" this is simply not true but this is your choice". I said its the only choice.."I'm gonna be his buddy still"..I told him he is not being realistic or maybe I jumped the gun? Either way, I felt pain and my first priority was my feelings. Anyway, time will do its thing. Maybe they will be bonded forever, maybe not.

February 17, 2016

This is day 8 since ex told me he is dating someone else..we've had limited contact since fall but he still close to my kids. I am determined to stick to NC but sometimes it just hits you like a ton of bricks. My son has a jazz concert ( 8th grade) in May and wants to invite my ex( not his dad), I guess I will see how I feel then...I hope the rebound has crumbled by then too.

February 17, 2016

This is day 8 since ex told me he is dating someone else..we've had limited contact since fall but he still close to my kids. I am determined to stick to NC but sometimes it just hits you like a ton of bricks. My son has a jazz concert ( 8th grade) in May and wants to invite my ex( not his dad), I guess I will see how I feel then...I hope the rebound has crumbled by then too.

I think this would be the best time to help your kid disconnect from this man rather than perpetuate a connection that inevitably will end as he moves on to other women. I have to wonder if you're using this jazz concert as a means for you to have contact with this man again. The fact that you mentioned you hope the rebound may crumble by then almost seems like you're already contemplating in your head to use the jazz concert as an opportunity to reconnect.

February 17, 2016

I think this would be the best time to help your kid disconnect from this man rather than perpetuate a connection that inevitably will end as he moves on to other women. I have to wonder if you're using this jazz concert as a means for you to have contact with this man again. The fact that you mentioned you hope the rebound may crumble by then almost seems like you're already contemplating in your head to use the jazz concert as an opportunity to reconnect.

I totally agree.

OP, I know it's not easy, but it's not healthy for your son (or you) to keep this man in his life when he's not in a relationship with you anymore. You need to speak to your son and explain to him that you would be happy to invite a different friend along, but that this man is not going to part of your lives anymore.

If you're serious about moving on from your ex, you shouldn't be entertaining any thoughts of inviting him anywhere. As the parent, you need to make decisions that are healthy for your kids and in their best interests; asking your ex to attend a family-oriented event simply isn't a good idea for anyone.

Stay strong and keep No Contact.

February 17, 2016

I agree however I just feel like it isn't right also since the ex was the one who encouraged my son to take saxophone lessons, he's been there since the beginning and to not invite him, especially my son is having a solo..its just not sitting well with me. This is not until May anyway. I have a girlfriend who was in a similar situation and she didn't stop the rel between the ex( not the dad) and her son. he still showed up at soccer games, he still carpooled him and his buddies. they have been broken up now for 7 years and the ex still is there for the son regardless of whether he /she is involved with someone else. My ex didn't cheat on me, it just wasn't right for him to stay even though he loved me .Im not making any decisions right now, not in a position to do it but hopefully in a couple months I would be.

February 17, 2016

This is why NC is very important..it will sort everything out later.

February 18, 2016

I agree however I just feel like it isn't right also since the ex was the one who encouraged my son to take saxophone lessons, he's been there since the beginning and to not invite him, especially my son is having a solo..its just not sitting well with me. This is not until May anyway. I have a girlfriend who was in a similar situation and she didn't stop the rel between the ex( not the dad) and her son. he still showed up at soccer games, he still carpooled him and his buddies. they have been broken up now for 7 years and the ex still is there for the son regardless of whether he /she is involved with someone else. My ex didn't cheat on me, it just wasn't right for him to stay even though he loved me .Im not making any decisions right now, not in a position to do it but hopefully in a couple months I would be.

If I may speak bluntly for a moment, you really need to stop looking for ways to hang on to your ex.

Go No Contact. It's all fine for your friend whose ex has stayed in her child's life, but that simply isn't realistic for the vast majority of former couples.

Your son might be disappointed but kids are also very resilient and he will be okay. Your job is to enforce healthy boundaries. Think about the alternatives: your ex's new girlfriend probably will not like him staying close to your family. Your ex might someday disappear from all of your lives and then you'll be stuck with even more disappointment. You yourself might find a new love interest, who might not be thrilled with your ex hanging around. And if this man does attend family events but still goes home to his girlfriend, how the heck are you going to feel then?

It's really not wise to permit your ex continued access to you or your kids

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