miljam Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I'd like to get your opinion on this: My girlfriend of 4 months and I had been having sex. Base on our values, we both decided that it would be best to take things alot slower and refrain from sex until marriage. Do you think its possible to do this and still have the same level of intimacy with your SO? Though our feelings for each other haven't changed, it definitely feels like we've taken a major step backward in closeness because of this. What are your thoughts? Thanks -
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 The intimacy you established through sex will naturally be lost when you stop having sex. As long as you guys are emotionally strong otherwise and both fully on the same page with this decision, you can fill that void with other forms of intimacy and affection. Just keep the lines of communication open. If one of you starts feeling anything negative concerning this decision: even if it is a matter of 'not feeling wanted or attractive' then you will need to talk about it and not bottle it up under the assumption of "no sex until marriage".
laRubiaBonita Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 i definaely think i is possible. are you going to marry this girl?
Author miljam Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 Thank you for your input on this. We are both on the same page with the decision. The 'Not feeling wanted or attractive' part is the one that concerns me. This hasn't been a problem at all..my girlfriend is very affectionate, but I think you're right...as long as the communication is good, it shouldnt become an issue. Thank you CIOC Its much to early to say if we'll get married or not, but she's definitely the kind of woman I'd like to marry and things are going very well.
jellybean Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 I think this thread is weird..........how can say you've made the decision to withhold sex till you're married based on VALUES?...You've ALREADY done the deed, so to speak - and naturally not doing it now, will effect the level of of intimacy a man and woman will feel in committed relationship. What else is going on here? Have you both turned religious or sumtin? And - exactly how OLD are you?
scarlyjones Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Well some people would say that you need to test the milk before you buy the cow. But you two have already had sex, so you know if she pleases you or not in that regard. So,..I'd say yes. It could work. But does this mean ALL forms of sex? Like you dont even TOUCH eachother sexually anymore? Some people now a days dont even consider oral sex actual sex. Im just wondering if you meant all physical forms.
Author miljam Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 The chemistry between us is awesome...we let it get the better of us in the beginning. We both feel that it would be best to wait until marriage. In a sense, we are just taking things much more slowly now, knowing that it will help foster a better relationship in the long run. We're both around 30yrs old. And yes this means all forms of sex. We still make out ALOT and grope each other, but that's it..
crazy_grl Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by miljam In a sense, we are just taking things much more slowly now, knowing that it will help foster a better relationship in the long run. We're both around 30yrs old. And yes this means all forms of sex. We still make out ALOT and grope each other, but that's it.. Good for both of you. I think your choice will give you both the chance to grow closer in other ways. I think it takes a lot of strength for you two to make this kind of change because you feel it's wrong. The easy way would obviously be to keep going about what you've been doing no matter your personal morals tell you. My own religion is very strongly against sex before marriage and even making out, because it can quickly lead to sex. I however have not been able to commit myself to that religion even though I believe they're right, because I haven't found the strength to uphold that kind of lifestyle. Not something I'm proud of, and you're stronger than I. I think that since you two made the decision mutually, you should have no problems other than the temptation to break that agreement. If both of you have respect for the other's beliefs and your own, you should be able to get past that. Just make sure to keep comunication open about this, because neither of you are used to dating this way.
jellybean Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I think this is all BS..... You're 30 years old...you've stopped having sex with your girlfriend because you've suddenly developed ''values', you say it has nothing to do with religion, and when asked by another poster if this is the girl you plan to marry, you say : "Its much to early to say if we'll get married or not." What's the REAL story dude????
Mr Spock Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I don't think it's BS-It's not THAT unusual. I remember Tiki trying to figure out how to repent for all prior fornication with her now husband, or something to that effect. If you can hug and cuddle and stuff like that you shouldn't have problems maintaining intimacy. The problem may arrive from the fact you COULD end up jumping each other's bones, and thusly feeling guilt. Don't.
Mr Spock Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 My own religion is very strongly against sex before marriage and even making out, because it can quickly lead to sex. Makes me chuckle, for some reason like frostbite can quickly lead to gangrene
scarlyjones Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl My own religion is very strongly against sex before marriage Ive always been curious,..........why IS this??? Divorce rates are higher than ever now. Something like 30 % end in divorce. Now,...we all agree that sex is VERY important in a relationship, right? Well,..if thats true (and I believe it really is), then why on EARTH would you not have sex before you get married? Seems to me that,...sex should be just as important a deciding factor as if he or she likes to cuddle,...or likes kids,...or has a strong work ethic.....or likes pets or whatever we LOOK for in a mate. Why would you gamble on such a deal breaking element in a relationship? And what would it DO to your religion if you HAD sex? Nothing. The RULES of religions were made up my people just like you and me. What makes them right? Its just sex for cryin' out loud. You can STILL be fine upstanding people. Who cares if you get horny.
crazy_grl Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Ive always been curious,..........why IS this??? Divorce rates are higher than ever now. Something like 30 % end in divorce. Now,...we all agree that sex is VERY important in a relationship, right? Well,..if thats true (and I believe it really is), then why on EARTH would you not have sex before you get married? Seems to me that,...sex should be just as important a deciding factor as if he or she likes to cuddle,...or likes kids,...or has a strong work ethic.....or likes pets or whatever we LOOK for in a mate. Why would you gamble on such a deal breaking element in a relationship? And what would it DO to your religion if you HAD sex? Nothing. The RULES of religions were made up my people just like you and me. What makes them right? Its just sex for cryin' out loud. You can STILL be fine upstanding people. Who cares if you get horny. Answering this question thoroughly would take far too much time and effort. It would also involve explaining a great deal of the beliefs behind my particular chosen religion. I doubt it would change anyone's mind anyway. So I really don't want to get into a huge debate about this, but here's the short answer. It's not a matter of what it would do to the religion as much as what it will do to yourself and your own marriage and relationships with others. Do you think it's coincidence that the divorce rate is the highest now when people generally have such as casual attitude toward sex? It's probably safe to say that more marriages break up because the partners were blinded by lust and sexual attraction, not realizing that they didn't have what it takes to last in a marriage, than those that break up because of bad sex. I happen to think the whole 'we're not sexually compatible' thing is total BS. People can easily adapt to one another sexually and learn new things if they're both willing. It's a lot harder to change your personality and who you are in order to be compatible in other ways. The saying 'love is blind' should be 'lust is blind', because I think it's sex and lust that blinds people to the flaws of their partners. Are there people you've slept with whom if you'd gotten to know them better before hand, you wouldn't have? The bond of sex just makes it harder to split with someone once you realize that you're not right togther. And if you hadn't slept with that person or had the goal of sleeping with them, you probably would have figured it out a lot sooner. So, yes, you can still be a fine, upstanding person. You just aren't giving yourself the best shot at having a lasting marriage.
scarlyjones Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I dont agree. I dont think your are strengthening your "shot" at a good marriage simply by waiting to have sex. That doesnt make any sense. One has nothing to do with the other. If you have sex with someone at age 18.................how in the hell is that going to effect your marriage at age 30?
crazy_grl Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones I dont agree. I dont think your are strengthening your "shot" at a good marriage simply by waiting to have sex. That doesnt make any sense. One has nothing to do with the other. If you have sex with someone at age 18.................how in the hell is that going to effect your marriage at age 30? It just does, and if your experiences haven't shown you that that's the case, no amount of verbal explanation is going to make you understand it.
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