Happy Birthday text from ex (just need to vent)

[eyeam]

I've spoken about my experience with my ex in previous threads here. Long story short, I (stupidly) reached out via email to her in a moment of weakness on her birthday back last September after a long period of no contact. She eventually told me she was in a relationship (slap in the face - but a good wake up call for me) BUT - we could meet in person and it was nice to hear from me. I told her it wouldn't be a good idea if she was in a relationship and declined, and contacting her had been a bad idea in retrospect and I didn't want to interfere with her thing. Wished her the best and told her I was happy for her, but couldn't be friends.

 

Since then she has (via email) all but begged me to stay in touch (not necessarily be friends..). Then In November I recieved a long email from her saying she was a bit confused now and what I'd said in my email was really nice and she hoped I meant it and "wasn't trying to mess her around?" and was asking personal questions about my family, job, life etc.. From the way it was worded and showing it a few friends of mine, they all said yeh, sounds as if she's single again (or at least thinking about it) and thinking about you again and putting feelers out. This confused me and I responded in a light, positive way and asked her similar questions .. No response. nothing. This pissed me off. At that point was done with any kind of contact.

 

Mid December I meet someone, we clicked right away and with whom I've been dating since, it's going really well so far.

 

Then on Christmas day (?) I received a reply to my previous email (so it wasn't a blanket text) simply saying "Merry christmas from me and my family" Which annoyed me. I politely replied 3 days later with "same to you" done.

 

2 weeks ago (now the middle of Feb) I recieved a text from her? - very different vibe to the christmas email (I didn't even know who it was because I'd deleted her no) on my birthday wishing me happy b/day and telling me i'm old now *wink* being flirty and using pet cutie names that we used to call each other at the beginning of our relationship? The fact that she'd sent a text (which she knows is a nono) and was being flirty (and remembered the date) threw me? It seemed inapropreate in tone (especially if she has a BF still?) This was at lunch time.. I was at work, and ignored it and thought nothing more of it. At 8:00pm I was out with friends and my now GF celebrating and having dinner. Having a great time, and another text comes through "I hope I didn't offend you, I was only joking, just tell me".. almost demanding a response and insecure in tone.

 

This make me anxious and pissed me off.. having to think about her on my f*cking birthday. Everyone said to me "ignore her text.. f*ck her" etc. But I gave in eventually and responded with a polite and cordial "thank you for b/day wishes, take care" She responded instantly with "what are you doing? any thing big?" "where are you?" trying desperately to keep the conversation going... I did ignore those. So now, after I've finally moved on and I'm happy she just rocks up like nothing ever happened? It's a if she knows I've moved on? through esp or something.. lol. It's quite possible she could have seen us together.. she gets the bus through my area. who knows?

 

Anyway, only today a week on, I feel a little confused and sad, it's stirred up feelings I thought had long gone. uuurrgh. Why?

 

Anyway ... Just a rant to get it off my chest!!

Edited February 17, 2016 by eyeam

[eyeam]

Anyone else have a similar experience? even on valentines day?

 

so confusing

[Brando]

Anyone else have a similar experience?

 

When they seem to want you back?

 

 

I've been on her side of it. Not your side. She is probably having a lonely moment and seeing if she still has any influence on your emotions. I don't see anything from your post that indicates she wants you back....

 

Seems like breadcrumbs to me. Maybe she is fighting with her man or they broke up. Who know's I didn't want one of the girls I dumped back, but I didn't like it when she was moving on so I did what this girl is doing to you. If you give her too much she will likely back off and vanish again. Just my 2 cents...

[eyeam]

Thanks Brando

 

Funny how it always comes across as such a kind, selfless thing to do.. yet it's in fact the opposite. selfish and egotistical.

 

An email with "Happy Birthday, hope you have a good one" would have still annoyed me.. but ok, but a text.. and all this flirty stuff? ughh ..

 

You think my response was ok or should I have ignored completely?

 

Should I straight up ask her why she text me?

 

If she is still with that guy .. then. not cool imo.

[266696687]

Thanks Brando

 

Funny how it always comes across as such a kind, selfless thing to do.. yet it's in fact the opposite. selfish and egotistical.

 

An email with "Happy Birthday, hope you have a good one" would have still annoyed me.. but ok, but a text.. and all this flirty stuff? ughh ..

 

You think my response was ok or should I have ignored completely?

 

Should I straight up ask her why she text me?

 

If she is still with that guy .. then. not cool imo.

 

You shouldn't ask her. It's giving her a possible inclination that you are still interested. The more you reply the more she gets an ego boost. So far you've responded to her polite but pretty much indifferent.

 

If she contacts you again just tell her you have moved on and are in a new relationship and would appreciate it if she stopped reaching out to you.

[eyeam]

funny thing is .. when i did ignore her text (for only half a day?) she started going bat sh*t crazy... "answer me" etc

[266696687]

funny thing is .. when i did ignore her text (for only half a day?) she started going bat sh*t crazy... "answer me" etc

 

Yes because you've been indifferent so far. Therefore she isn't getting the attention she wants from you.

 

As soon as you ask her why she is texting you she'd disappear. Just wait for her next message it's highly likely you won't have to wait long then tell her you have moved on, are in a relationship and ask her to stop reaching out to you.

 

The fact that you are enjoying her messages tells me that perhaps you haven't moved on as much as you think you have and you should probably block her to prevent further contact so you can focus on your new relationship.

[Brando]

Yes because you've been indifferent so far. Therefore she isn't getting the attention she wants from you.

 

As soon as you ask her why she is texting you she'd disappear. Just wait for her next message it's highly likely you won't have to wait long then tell her you have moved on, are in a relationship and ask her to stop reaching out to you.

 

The fact that you are enjoying her messages tells me that perhaps you haven't moved on as much as you think you have and you should probably block her to prevent further contact so you can focus on your new relationship.

 

 

This is my advice verbatim.

[eyeam]

Thanks for the advice. Taken and agree. Why the turn around in attitude and need for attention from me if she has a BF? This woman is 28.. I think I'd be pretty upset if my GF was texting flirty BD messages to her ex, shows a lack of respect imo. Why the need to "stay in touch" .. Just seems like excuses to me, it's certainly not guilt.

[Qboro90]

Why are you letting it get to you so much is the question? You realized back in September that it was a mistake to send her that email. So she's under the impression that it's ok to reach out every now and then or on holidays/birthdays and wish you well. Since you say you are happy in the relationship you're in, what's bugging you about your ex gf sending you a meaningless text that doesn't affect your life in any way negatively?

 

If anything you should get an ego boost knowing she's clearly showing that she's got some residual feelings for you. When she texted you happy birthday and asked what you were doing, all you had to say was "thanks... Not doing anything crazy, just dinner with the lady and meeting a couple friends for drinks after"

 

Done. You mention you're out with your new gf and the ex will kno that she's not gonna lure you into a convo.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't understand why you allow her such access to you. This seems to be a very simple solution -- you don't want to hear from her, you block. Part of me thinks you are enjoying this a bit, otherwise you wouldn't leave yourself so easily open to it.

[BC1980]

You've basically invited all of this contact into your life. The solution is simple and would have been from the beginning. If you don't want contact from her, ask her to leave you alone, or block her. Either of those options will work. You said you don't want to be anxious and hear from her on your birthday. Then, don't give her the impression, over the course of several months, that contact is okay. There is something about the contact you enjoy. If you give a person the impression that contact is okay and open yourself up to contact, you don't get to pick and choose when she does so.

[BC1980]

Thanks Brando

 

Funny how it always comes across as such a kind, selfless thing to do.. yet it's in fact the opposite. selfish and egotistical.

 

An email with "Happy Birthday, hope you have a good one" would have still annoyed me.. but ok, but a text.. and all this flirty stuff? ughh ..

 

You think my response was ok or should I have ignored completely?

 

Should I straight up ask her why she text me?

 

If she is still with that guy .. then. not cool imo.

 

I think that it you're dating someone else, you shouldn't be in a place where you are questioning all of this. You are still worried about how you are coming off to your ex and still not closing the door completely. You need to shut this door before proceeding with your new relationship. You don't need to leave the door open for ego hits from your ex.

[losangelena]

Yes because you've been indifferent so far. Therefore she isn't getting the attention she wants from you.

 

As soon as you ask her why she is texting you she'd disappear. Just wait for her next message it's highly likely you won't have to wait long then tell her you have moved on, are in a relationship and ask her to stop reaching out to you.

 

The fact that you are enjoying her messages tells me that perhaps you haven't moved on as much as you think you have and you should probably block her to prevent further contact so you can focus on your new relationship.

 

But he hasn't been indifferent. He's the one who sent the opening email. Plus, he keeps responding.

 

OP, this is simple. You block her number, set a filter so her emails go in the trash. You are annoyed yet you're still participating in this game, so you can't leave all the blame on her doorstep.

[266696687]

But he hasn't been indifferent. He's the one who sent the opening email. Plus, he keeps responding.

 

OP, this is simple. You block her number, set a filter so her emails go in the trash. You are annoyed yet you're still participating in this game, so you can't leave all the blame on her doorstep.

 

Yes he sent her a bday message months ago in the aftermath of the breakup.

 

She followed up much later with a message for his birthday. When she didn't get the response she was expecting and the attention she wanted she has continued to breadcrumb him and his responses have so far been polite but indifferent. He isn't feeding her ego hence the increasing number of messages she is sending.

 

I advised him to tell her he has moved on, is in a new relationship and for her to stop contacting him. I also suggested that after this he blocks her so he can focus on his new relationship.

 

He is enjoying her breadcrumbs because it is feeding his ego. He likes the attention she is now bestowing on him. It's not healthy. But only he can block her. He needs to realise it for himself.

Edited February 18, 2016 by 266696687

[eyeam]

Thanks for the comments, and I had a feeling I'd get torn a new ******* with this one

 

You guys are correct.. it was my fault for initially reaching out and yes, because she treated me poorly and dumped me like trash at the end of our relationship, I am getting a slight ego boost from her contacting me and sounding desperate for my attention you're right. pathetic. She was a special one to me, wanted to marry her. There are obviously some residual feelings my end too if I'm being honest .. no, not healthy.

 

If she does contact me again I'll be doing exactly as 266696687 has said. Tell her not to contact me again and why. I have previously blocked her FB, email and whatsapp.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the comments, and I had a feeling I'd get torn a new ******* with this one

 

You guys are correct.. it was my fault for initially reaching out and yes, because she treated me poorly and dumped me like trash at the end of our relationship, I am getting a slight ego boost from her contacting me and sounding desperate for my attention you're right. pathetic. She was a special one to me, wanted to marry her. There are obviously some residual feelings my end too if I'm being honest .. no, not healthy.

 

If she does contact me again I'll be doing exactly as 266696687 has said. Tell her not to contact me again and why. I have previously blocked her FB, email and whatsapp.

 

The only way your feelings for her will die is if you block her from your life. I know it can be an ego boost when the tables turn. At one point, my ex was texting me every few days for several months. I got a kick out of waiting hours to reply and never initiating any contact. It was like a game to me. But you know, in the end, I was the one who got played because he was dating someone else, and keeping in contact got me nowhere. It ended up taking me longer to recover and move on. That temporary ego boost isn't worth it in the long run. It's just not.

[eyeam]

Thing is, she has been polite yet cold up until this point (although she has reached out first via email every time) This text was very different, she was behaving in a way she did when we were together, a way that i think she'd only act if she is in fact now single again. Which threw me off.. the irony is of course i'm now seeing someone and i really haven't thought about the ex since her merry christmas email which I cordially replied too and certainly not in a romantic sense in a long, long time.

 

I have been totally cool about her text up until yesterday, and I just started to over think things .. it initially annoyed me - then i forgot all about it - then just yesterday it made me miss her a little - the texts were very sweet and funny (albeit pushy and possibly manipulative?) it had me a little confused about my feelings for a couple of days is all. I actually feel bad for feeling that way. Although i didn't show any of it. It'll go away again.

 

But, you guy's advice is solid. That's why I came here. A good kick up the arse as they say

 

I think she took the hint, but I'll straight up tell her if I receive another text.

[BC1980]

Thing is, she has been polite yet cold up until this point (although she has reached out first via email every time) This text was very different, she was behaving in a way she did when we were together, a way that i think she'd only act if she is in fact now single again. Which threw me off.. the irony is of course i'm now seeing someone and i really haven't thought about the ex since her merry christmas email which I cordially replied too and certainly not in a romantic sense in a long, long time.

 

I have been totally cool about her text up until yesterday, and I just started to over think things .. it initially annoyed me - then i forgot all about it - then just yesterday it made me miss her a little - the texts were very sweet and funny (albeit pushy and possibly manipulative?) it had me a little confused about my feelings for a couple of days is all. I actually feel bad for feeling that way. Although i didn't show any of it. It'll go away again.

 

But, you guy's advice is solid. That's why I came here. A good kick up the arse as they say

 

I think she took the hint, but I'll straight up tell her if I receive another text.

 

That's the thing about leaving the door open for contact. Something very benign can set off a whirlwind of emotions. You start dissecting a few text messages that probably mean nothing. Unless you can truly say you are indifferent about an ex, the smart thing to do is NC. I remember the day I found out my ex was engaged. I had been NC for a solid year. He could have been dead, and I wouldn't have known. Because I grieved in peace, the engagement didn't hit so hard. It brought up some residual feelings of anger, but I was able to push through those feelings in a few months. I remember thinking, wow, NC saved me. I can't imagine finding all of that out if I had still been in contact with him. NC shielded me from the brunt of that pain.

 

I think her texting has brought up the fact that you aren't necessarily over her. You still have residual feelings of sadness and anger. In other words, she can still affect you emotionally. If an ex can still have an emotional effect on you, any type of contact is just poking at a wound. Plus, it's not really fair to your new lady. I don't think any of us would want to date someone with mixed feelings for an ex.

[losangelena]

I think her texting has brought up the fact that you aren't necessarily over her. You still have residual feelings of sadness and anger. In other words, she can still affect you emotionally. If an ex can still have an emotional effect on you, any type of contact is just poking at a wound. Plus, it's not really fair to your new lady. I don't think any of us would want to date someone with mixed feelings for an ex.

 

I second all of this.

 

I think it's totally normal to have residual feelings for an ex, but I think that's exactly the time you should go no-contact.

 

I also absolutely agree that it's not fair to your current GF. If I were her, I'd be seriously feeling bad that you're still entertaining your ex, even just a little bit.

[BC1980]

I also absolutely agree that it's not fair to your current GF. If I were her, I'd be seriously feeling bad that you're still entertaining your ex, even just a little bit.

 

It's funny because a lot of people start threads on LS for this very reason. They are dating someone who keeps in contact with an ex.

[eyeam]

I second all of this.

I also absolutely agree that it's not fair to your current GF. If I were her, I'd be seriously feeling bad that you're still entertaining your ex, even just a little bit.

 

you are absolutley right. I've never been down with this, Since me and my current have been dating. She has reached out 4 times. 2 of which were a merry xmas and the b/day wishes, both of which I replied politely and indifferently. The other two I ignored.

 

She has a SO as far as I still know? which is not cool if she's contacting me... and like wise of course.

 

So if she contacts me again, I'll straight up tell her it isn't fair to either of our current partners (or us) and we should stop contact.

 

Thanks again for the reality check

[Zahara]

I've never been down with this

 

But you are because you keep yourself open to her contact. I think it gives you an ego boost knowing that she's chasing you.

 

Since me and my current have been dating. She has reached out 4 times. 2 of which were a merry xmas and the b/day wishes, both of which I replied politely and indifferently. The other two I ignored.

 

Why not just block her? The fact that you're still emotionally affected by her isn't fair to your current GF because you should be focusing 100% on her.

 

So if she contacts me again, I'll straight up tell her it isn't fair to either of our current partners (or us) and we should stop contact.

 

Block her. Everytime she contacts you, you get distracted.

[Simon Phoenix]

you are absolutley right. I've never been down with this, Since me and my current have been dating. She has reached out 4 times. 2 of which were a merry xmas and the b/day wishes, both of which I replied politely and indifferently. The other two I ignored.

 

She has a SO as far as I still know? which is not cool if she's contacting me... and like wise of course.

 

So if she contacts me again, I'll straight up tell her it isn't fair to either of our current partners (or us) and we should stop contact.

 

Thanks again for the reality check

 

Yeah, I don't get why you refuse to block this woman. You're going for the more dramatic solution over the more practical solution.

[eyeam]

Blocked. It's done.