dispatch3d Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I mean the guy obviously showed some insecurity but you are overreacting as far as I'm concerned. You'll be able to better able to judge his character on a one hour long date than you can based on a single text he sent when you cancelled. Also girls will flake like crazy on guys they dont like, so thats probably why he's sensitive to it. Just like guys that don't call (avoiding this behaviour altogether). 1
LoveRefreshed Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I am struggling to try and figure out a way of telling you that asking a woman you have yet to meet if she is going on a date with another man from a dating site that evening is not really the done thing or why it is not acceptable to start hurling abuse at a woman randomly with no just cause... These are not difficult concepts to understand. While this guy has not done the second. He has done the first. My experience is that when they do the first, the second is soon to come. I have not yet met a man (in many cases the vile tirades started before meeting so I didn't even get that far) who has asked inappropriate questions before the first meeting who has not then gone on to hurl abuse at me with no just cause. So I am waiting for the tirade of abuse. The bolded portion, to which you even mention he has not done, is indeed unacceptable and not a difficult point to articulate, but you managed to do so with only being partially smug and condescending. The fact that you justify feeling a certain way against someone because a member of that identifying group (be it male, or a gender, or a race) has behaved in a certain way is prejudiced and baseless. It's your own insecurities shining through that just because a man might ask a question, he's going to make you miserable. Like I said, there is two reasons I can think of that are fair- are you multidating- i.e. do I need to concerned with safey (sexual/physical from jealous other guys), can I multidate without concern of her becoming jealous, or is she multidating because I'm going to step aside if so. There are a few cases in which it's insecurity at worst. You can make your presumptuous judgments, just don't come here expecting to get huzzah'd for your vent about a guy asking a simple question.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Oh D0n you know me. I was just blunt and told him what I was doing. I have no shame in going and feeding the homeless once a week through the winter... Its not as if I have zillions of dates lined up... I never assume I am the only one until we start sleeping together and even then I tend to ask! But then I also understand that there are appropriate times to ask such questions. If he's already been a cad, shoot him down & don't go. If you are only afraid he will turn into a cad, give him a chance. I guess I'm somewhat open minded because I'd take the ask as him trying to size up the competition not necessarily him trying to tell you what to do. But you mentioned that some of these guys called you names & were just terrible. That I would not tolerate either & on some level you are "lucky" that they showed their true, undesirable colors early
Ferret Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 What he said was tacky at best and controlling and manipulative at worst neither are really attractive to me. I would just tell him your sorry but you don't think its going to work out if he starts going off tell him why block and move on..you don't owe him anything if people want our time they should lean how to be respectful... 1
kendahke Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Toodles, you're are far better than me. If he'd asked that of me, I'd have said "you know what? This is a bad idea." and hung up and blocked him. I don't think that you are overreacting in the least--you see a pattern of behavior setting up and you know where this mess leads. I don't blame you for not wanting to be torched by some guy's insecurity yet again. It was none of his business what you were doing--you hadn't even gone on a first meeting and already, he's laying expectations on your head. Sheesh!
lino Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I believe I've seen you write on here that you indeed go out with several men at once whom you meet online or otherwise. If this is the case, then logically this man's curiosity is justified because you are indeed a multi Dater and he's entitled to not want to go out with a multi Dater. If I have you mistaken for another person and you aren't a multi Dater, I take back what I just wrote Women need to understand that a lot of men aren't interested in seeing women who are locking lips (and often more) with several dudes a week and hence this fellows caution. This is a general statement and not necessarily aimed at you OP if you aren't a multi Dater. 2
introverted1 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I believe I've seen you write on here that you indeed go out with several men at once whom you meet online or otherwise. If this is the case, then logically this man's curiosity is justified because you are indeed a multi Dater and he's entitled to not want to go out with a multi Dater. If I have you mistaken for another person and you aren't a multi Dater, I take back what I just wrote Women need to understand that a lot of men aren't interested in seeing women who are locking lips (and often more) with several dudes a week and hence this fellows caution. This is a general statement and not necessarily aimed at you OP if you aren't a multi Dater. But the question he asked doesn't do anything to ascertain if Toodles is a multi-dater. As it turned out, she was feeding the homeless and told him so. As a result, all he knows is what she did that night. Unless he's going ask for her daily planner, the best way to find out what her dating style is, is to meet her. And talk to her. Toodles, my guess is that either he is controlling (your fear) or verrrry insecure (and is now kicking himself for having asked). Neither one is especially auspicious, imo.
LoveRefreshed Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 But the question he asked doesn't do anything to ascertain if Toodles is a multi-dater. As it turned out, she was feeding the homeless and told him so. As a result, all he knows is what she did that night. Unless he's going ask for her daily planner, the best way to find out what her dating style is, is to meet her. And talk to her. Toodles, my guess is that either he is controlling (your fear) or verrrry insecure (and is now kicking himself for having asked). Neither one is especially auspicious, imo. Because no woman here has insecurities, amirite? Everyone has insecurities, it depends on if you let them get to you. No one's perfect and maybe he can hold his better once he gets to know if someone is genuinely a trust worthy person.
insert_name Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I believe I've seen you write on here that you indeed go out with several men at once whom you meet online or otherwise. If this is the case, then logically this man's curiosity is justified because you are indeed a multi Dater and he's entitled to not want to go out with a multi Dater. If I have you mistaken for another person and you aren't a multi Dater, I take back what I just wrote Women need to understand that a lot of men aren't interested in seeing women who are locking lips (and often more) with several dudes a week and hence this fellows caution. This is a general statement and not necessarily aimed at you OP if you aren't a multi Dater. Yep, I used to have an open mind on multi dating, not my thing but I don't mind the woman doing it....until I got played by a girl who told me what I wanted to hear while she played the field. If that guy had been through what I have been through then I can very well understand why he would want to know if the person he is potentially getting emotionally involved with is road testing multiple guys. Multi dating- ugh.
katiegrl Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 (edited) I believe I've seen you write on here that you indeed go out with several men at once whom you meet online or otherwise. If this is the case, then logically this man's curiosity is justified because you are indeed a multi Dater and he's entitled to not want to go out with a multi Dater. Wha? Do some men really believe that because they've set up a first meet with a woman....that she should cut off all her other options and stop meeting other men? Before said man has even met her? Lest she be accused of being the dreaded multi-dater? Really?????? Toodles.... what he sounds like to me is insecure and possessive. If he's this insecure and possessive before even meeting, can you imagine how he'll be if you actually start dating him? Break the date and do not feel guilty. He had NO BUSINESS asking you if you had another date....he stepped over his boundaries IMO. Next. Edited February 18, 2016 by katiegrl 5
truth_seeker Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Women need to understand that a lot of men aren't interested in seeing women who are locking lips (and often more) with several dudes a week and hence this fellows caution. This is a general statement and not necessarily aimed at you OP if you aren't a multi Dater. Absolutely agree. I would be turned off If I were to go on a first date knowing the woman was fooling around with several different dudes.
soleilesquire Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I'm always amazed at the information people these days think they are entitled to. You haven't even met. It's none of his business what you did last night. Five dates from now he'll be asking what your number of previous partners is, assume youblied about it, and consort with other people about what a hussy you must be lol 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Toodalou: Yes what he said isn't worth a price winning but I think you are over-reacting. It was a stupid thing to say but he probably said it because of nervousness. I was asked this a couple of times too and I didn't blink an eye and let it slide. Turned out they were just shy, unfamiliar with dating etiquette, and shy men say awkward things. What time is it in UK land now, 2 am. I bet you had (are having) a great time because if he was boring you would have come home early and update this thread. 3
preraph Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Its not that they are eager - that is great! Its the assuming I am off dating loads of other blokes and that if I am busy then clearly I must be out with some other guy. Its the tone and phrasing. "Oh are you up to anything nice?" would have been fine. "Oh are you going off on a date with another bloke" really isn't. Makes me feel as though I have to justify myself when actually I am doing nothing of the sort and am volunteering in a soup kitchen! I mean, the only choices here to someone who'd day that are, at best, he doesn't have any better sense than to say it and, even if he's not the jealous type, doesn't understand a small boundary. Then the main issue is he's already suspicious and he hasn't even gotten to know you or gone out yet, and he's already got his back up. I agree, Toodoloo, it's a red flag. If it was in reverse and a woman was saying it to a man, it would seem very whiny. It's not your imagination.
lino Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 (edited) But the question he asked doesn't do anything to ascertain if Toodles is a multi-dater. As it turned out, she was feeding the homeless and told him so. As a result, all he knows is what she did that night. Unless he's going ask for her daily planner, the best way to find out what her dating style is, is to meet her. And talk to her. Toodles, my guess is that either he is controlling (your fear) or verrrry insecure (and is now kicking himself for having asked). Neither one is especially auspicious, imo. If a guy isn't into multi dating and doesn't want to date women who are, he is entitled to make his choices on whether or not he continues with said Lady. Why waste time on a meeting (which will likely be on his dime too) when things can be easily figured out in discussion. It's a simple question and the OP could've answered yes or no. If the guy doesn't like the answer, he's in his right to not date the OP just as the OP is in her right to not go out with the guy if she found the question unsuitable. Yep, I used to have an open mind on multi dating, not my thing but I don't mind the woman doing it....until I got played by a girl who told me what I wanted to hear while she played the field. If that guy had been through what I have been through then I can very well understand why he would want to know if the person he is potentially getting emotionally involved with is road testing multiple guys. Multi dating- ugh. Multi daters should stick with other multi daters. Thing is though, they often don't. It's the whole cake eater concept. Wha? Do some men really believe that because they've set up a first meet with a woman....that she should cut off all her other options and stop meeting other men? Before said man has even met her? Lest she be accused of being the dreaded multi-dater? Really?????? Toodles.... what he sounds like to me is insecure and possessive. If he's this insecure and possessive before even meeting, can you imagine how he'll be if you actually start dating him? Break the date and do not feel guilty. He had NO BUSINESS asking you if you had another date....he stepped over his boundaries IMO. Next. They don't have to cut off any men, it's their business how many men they're with at once but a guy who doesn't subscribe to that mentality is rightfully allowed to choose not to date such a woman. If she has multiple guys involved, one less who isn't her type is hardly the end of the world is it? Unless she's selfish and following the above mentioned cake eater mentality. A guy who doesn't want a woman that dates around like she's running errands isn't insecure or possessive. He has his preferences in what he wants. Just like we're constantly told women wanting tall guys, wealthy guys, fit guys are preferences. Or is having preferences a one way Street now and I wasn't given the memo? Like I originally stated, many men don't want to get involved with women who are kissing (and often more) multiple fellows in a week. It isn't a hard concept to follow. Don't like it? Then stick to men Who kiss (and often more) multiple ladies a week. Pretty simple I'd say. Edit: For the record, I think the question the guy asked was pretty tasteless and didn't show much tact but can understand why he may be asking it. Edited February 18, 2016 by lino Added more to post. 2
kendahke Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 but a guy who doesn't subscribe to that mentality is rightfully allowed to choose not to date oh my God, first phone call is not dating. At. All. In any universe. That takes place after meeting--when you decide you want to continue or not. Talk about putting a cart before the horse. 3
katiegrl Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 oh my God, first phone call is not dating. At. All. In any universe. That takes place after meeting--when you decide you want to continue or not. Talk about putting a cart before the horse. Exactly. lino, I don't like multi-dating either, and don't do it. But do you really expect a woman to be exclusive with you after the first phone call, before even meeting each other in person? I'm sorry that just sounds a little nuts to me tbh. 2
joseb Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Exactly. lino, I don't like multi-dating either, and don't do it. But do you really expect a woman to be exclusive with you after the first phone call, before even meeting each other in person? I'm sorry that just sounds a little nuts to me tbh. I can see both of your points. Here's the thing - say she had a date the day before, goes really well, one thing leads to another - they sleep together. Is this still supposed to be OK to the guy meeting her next day? It's kind of arbitrary to say first dates don't count.
insert_name Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Exactly. lino, I don't like multi-dating either, and don't do it. But do you really expect a woman to be exclusive with you after the first phone call, before even meeting each other in person? I'm sorry that just sounds a little nuts to me tbh. That is re-framing the question differently. It isn't really about her and what she does, it is about him potentially avoiding someone who is multi-dating possibly because he has been burned before. So he is not demanding exclusivity (at least not if he is sane!). I kind of agree that asking that question before a first date is possibly getting too ahead of themselves, but I have leartn from.bitter experience that the women I knew who admitted multi dating were not good relationship material and had egos like a bucket with a hole in the bottom. If she is multi dating you already know you are facing an uphill battle and it is far easier for genuine relationship minded men to save themselves the potential heart ache and just leave her to the other guys that aren't you. I never used to worry about it but I have been badly burned so for me, from now on, whilst I won't ask in advance lile the guy OP is dealing with I will be having 'the talk' on the first date about what their intentions are and who else they are seeing which seems a bit of a romance killer but hey, this is dating in the modern age for you.
honeydooblonde Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Honestly I would not even give it the chance because then he will keep asking you or texting you asking what happened or why it never went to going on a date. So no need to even fathom the date or put thought in your dates head
Author Toodaloo Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 What time is it in UK land now, 2 am. I bet you had (are having) a great time because if he was boring you would have come home early and update this thread. No. I was up doing everyones flipping ironing and trying to get a beef and pickle sandwich through customs for DD... damned sniffer dogs... and Haydn slipped a few pairs of Y fronts in there, I keep saying I will not iron underpants... Well, it was one of those where I really was in two minds. I wasn't going to know until I asked. I actually took Candies advice and while ironing a bed sheet I asked myself "is that question the only reason why I don't want to go?" - answer was yes. "Had I been looking forward to meeting him before?" Answer was yes... So I went. I was a bit awkward because I felt quite defensive and was ready to get a verbal battering but it didn't come. Instead chocolate cake and a half pint of bitter did... I asked him about it. Like me, he hates Multi dating. Like me, he tried it, finds it as confusing as hell and his reason for asking is that he wanted to back off if I were dating lots of others and wait. Seems as though I have found the exception to the rule. Which to be frank is very refreshing! I am seeing him again next week. We talked about it and seem to have the same sort of views on that sort of thing. He has another woman that he has been dating but is slowly backing away from after she went a bit "crazy lady" on him. He asked her the same thing and instead of taking my approach and calmly chat about it she went totally ape at him. She basically did to him what the guys who ask me that question normally do to me! So he understood my reservations and hesitation. Difference was he asked her face to face after a few dates... Problem is that I do already have another (first date) lined up this weekend. It was arranged beforehand. I didn't speak about it. I shall still go to that as well but will start to fade out the others I have been speaking to. I suspect that the chap this weekend isn't going to work out any way as we have conflicting work schedules. We shall see. 12
TheArtist Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 ...while ironing a bed sheet... I don't understand this phrase. That's dating nerves for you! So glad it all went well, but what if the guy you meet at the weekend is also a keeper? Where's my hot date?! 1
Author Toodaloo Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 I don't understand this phrase. That's dating nerves for you! So glad it all went well, but what if the guy you meet at the weekend is also a keeper? Where's my hot date?! Noooo you have to have crisp bed sheets! Its like getting into a hotel bed every day My bed is my comfort zone and those sheets will be scrummy and crisp and clean!!! Do you want a date too? I thought we were married already? 2
joseb Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Hey, glad you decided to give it a go! He sounds alright 1
Author Toodaloo Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 Hey, glad you decided to give it a go! He sounds alright I am too. It was difficult as after A LOT of guys going bat s*** crazy when they ask questions like that I was really on the defensive, I was literally waiting for it. Took me back to the days with my ex all over again when I would be waiting for the horrible comments and snide remarks. This guy went back to normal conversation though straight away which kinda threw me as I was expecting all the insults and expletives... It is something I am very wary of because I had so many years of it and I encounter it a lot while trying to date. I am glad he proved me wrong. He does seem very direct, honest and open. A sincere, grounded kind of guy that just says it as it is... Thats a good thing in my book. I feel much more relaxed and happy now. 6
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