Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 So yesterday I was asked out. Seems like a great sort of guy so I eagerly said yes please. He asked lets meet tonight. I couldn't so responded sorry I can't tonight I am already busy but free tomorrow. We agree to meet today instead, all great, then he drops it. Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site. Thump. The excitement and anticipation sunk faster than the titanic. I was actually cooking for a whole heap of homeless folks last night but there I was justifying myself to someone I have never even met... What the hell is that about? Why is it any of his business what I was doing? He could have asked the following day or asked something other than that! Example - Oh are you going out with friends? Oh sounds like you are busy hope you have fun tonight... Why oh why be so insecure and controlling to ask if I was on a date with another guy? Thing is every time a man has asked this at such an early stage he has turned really nasty at the drop of a hat, for no apparent reason. So now I am waiting for it to happen. I am only going tonight in order to be polite and avoid him turning into a screaming harpie at me and to avoid having to go through the unpleasantness of being called every name under the sun and accused of being every woman that has ever been mean. I feel utterly deflated and I really do not want to go. This guy has been fine since but its still there. The elephant in the room. It has its ever filling bucket of peanuts and is happily watching the show. Eating fatty food on the sofa while watching Despicable me is far more appealing... hell even doing the ironing is far more appealing. Cleaning the toilet with my tooth brush is on the lets do before we go on this date list... I know you will all say so don't go. Problem is I am a woman of my word and I said I would so now I feel I must. Urgh. Sometimes dating just sucks. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 So yesterday I was asked out. Seems like a great sort of guy so I eagerly said yes please. He asked lets meet tonight. I couldn't so responded sorry I can't tonight I am already busy but free tomorrow. We agree to meet today instead, all great, then he drops it. Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site. Thump. The excitement and anticipation sunk faster than the titanic. I was actually cooking for a whole heap of homeless folks last night but there I was justifying myself to someone I have never even met... What the hell is that about? Why is it any of his business what I was doing? He could have asked the following day or asked something other than that! Example - Oh are you going out with friends? Oh sounds like you are busy hope you have fun tonight... Why oh why be so insecure and controlling to ask if I was on a date with another guy? Thing is every time a man has asked this at such an early stage he has turned really nasty at the drop of a hat, for no apparent reason. So now I am waiting for it to happen. I am only going tonight in order to be polite and avoid him turning into a screaming harpie at me and to avoid having to go through the unpleasantness of being called every name under the sun and accused of being every woman that has ever been mean. I feel utterly deflated and I really do not want to go. This guy has been fine since but its still there. The elephant in the room. It has its ever filling bucket of peanuts and is happily watching the show. Eating fatty food on the sofa while watching Despicable me is far more appealing... hell even doing the ironing is far more appealing. Cleaning the toilet with my tooth brush is on the lets do before we go on this date list... I know you will all say so don't go. Problem is I am a woman of my word and I said I would so now I feel I must. Urgh. Sometimes dating just sucks. Problem is I am a woman of my word and I said I would so now I feel I must -- Be true to yourself then. Make yourself go. But, at the end of the date, pay your half of the bill, thank him for meeting and tell him you aren't interested. View it as a night out, hopefully having some good conversation and leave it at that. This is another reason for making the first time you meet someone from OLD just a "meet up", not a real date. Just a quick couple of drinks or coffee just to confirm who they say they are, look like their pictures and to gauge if there is enough interest to go and spend a little more time with them. This guy has already "contaminated" the scenario and so you aren't going to be able to give it a chance anyway, I'd say. It's a bummer, but, hey, you could be surprised. You don't really know for sure. 3
smudge21 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 If you don't go, I've got shed loads of ironing that needs doing... 5
TheArtist Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I agree with Redhead, give it a go, don't make any expectations, and try to enjoy it. There is no obligation to follow up with anything other than coming on here and telling us all about it! 3
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I'm sorry that your experience has been that the ones who are eager early turned out to be nasty. I can see why that would make you reluctant to go on this date but go anyway. Expect nothing but remember he may be the exception that proves the rule. You certainly aren't going to find love on your sofa watching a cartoon. Best wishes. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 In the world of multidating, no one can assume anything until they ask. Maybe he's been burned by a multidater in the past. Maybe he just wants to set a tone for you early that it's okay to be honest about seeing other people. Maybe he just wants to know so he can bow out and not turn into that jealous guy. A question asked is rarely controlling behavior. Your defensiveness is more of a red flag, IMO.
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 So yesterday I was asked out. Seems like a great sort of guy so I eagerly said yes please. He asked lets meet tonight. I couldn't so responded sorry I can't tonight I am already busy but free tomorrow. We agree to meet today instead, all great, then he drops it. Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site. Thump. The excitement and anticipation sunk faster than the titanic. I was actually cooking for a whole heap of homeless folks last night but there I was justifying myself to someone I have never even met... What the hell is that about? Why is it any of his business what I was doing? He could have asked the following day or asked something other than that! Example - Oh are you going out with friends? Oh sounds like you are busy hope you have fun tonight... Why oh why be so insecure and controlling to ask if I was on a date with another guy? Thing is every time a man has asked this at such an early stage he has turned really nasty at the drop of a hat, for no apparent reason. So now I am waiting for it to happen. I am only going tonight in order to be polite and avoid him turning into a screaming harpie at me and to avoid having to go through the unpleasantness of being called every name under the sun and accused of being every woman that has ever been mean. I feel utterly deflated and I really do not want to go. This guy has been fine since but its still there. The elephant in the room. It has its ever filling bucket of peanuts and is happily watching the show. Eating fatty food on the sofa while watching Despicable me is far more appealing... hell even doing the ironing is far more appealing. Cleaning the toilet with my tooth brush is on the lets do before we go on this date list... I know you will all say so don't go. Problem is I am a woman of my word and I said I would so now I feel I must. Urgh. Sometimes dating just sucks. I'm unclear. I don't see anywhere in your post where he had asked you your business or why you weren't available on a certain night. You lost me at, "Then he dropped it" Dropped what? Sometimes when I hear these dating stories (no offense to the OP), but there is no "Who, what, when, where, and why" given when the story is told.
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 A question asked is rarely controlling behavior. Your defensiveness is more of a red flag, IMO. Defensiveness or just experience? Thing is every time a man has asked this at such an early stage he has turned really nasty at the drop of a hat, for no apparent reason. So now I am waiting for it to happen. I am only going tonight in order to be polite and avoid him turning into a screaming harpie at me and to avoid having to go through the unpleasantness of being called every name under the sun and accused of being every woman that has ever been mean.
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I'm unclear. I don't see anywhere in your post where he had asked you your business or why you weren't available on a certain night. You lost me at, "Then he dropped it" Dropped what? "Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site?"
Author Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 I'm sorry that your experience has been that the ones who are eager early turned out to be nasty. I can see why that would make you reluctant to go on this date but go anyway. Expect nothing but remember he may be the exception that proves the rule. You certainly aren't going to find love on your sofa watching a cartoon. Best wishes. Its not that they are eager - that is great! Its the assuming I am off dating loads of other blokes and that if I am busy then clearly I must be out with some other guy. Its the tone and phrasing. "Oh are you up to anything nice?" would have been fine. "Oh are you going off on a date with another bloke" really isn't. Makes me feel as though I have to justify myself when actually I am doing nothing of the sort and am volunteering in a soup kitchen!
Author Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 Your defensiveness is more of a red flag, IMO. My defensiveness is only here after being subjected to vile verbal abuse both over phone, message and text... from men... who start asking these types of questions early on. I have yet to have a man who has asked a question in this way early on who has not blown up in my face calling me all the names under the sun. One even called me a money grabbing wench - Ironic as I had paid for all our dates...
Author Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 If you don't go, I've got shed loads of ironing that needs doing... Bung it on the side and I will do it tomorrow... I refuse to do socks and pants though. 5
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Its not that they are eager - that is great! Its the assuming I am off dating loads of other blokes and that if I am busy then clearly I must be out with some other guy. Its the tone and phrasing. "Oh are you up to anything nice?" would have been fine. "Oh are you going off on a date with another bloke" really isn't. Makes me feel as though I have to justify myself when actually I am doing nothing of the sort and am volunteering in a soup kitchen! Understood. Have you tried deflection? What I mean by that is something coy like, while I don't kiss & tell at this very early stage I think a little mystery is in order don't you? I may have another date or I may have another obligation. Let's just focus on when we can meet & go from there. I agree that I'd be put off by a guy who was so blunt early on as to ask. I'd prefer one to simply assume he's not the only game in town for the moment & go from there.
LoveRefreshed Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 My defensiveness is only here after being subjected to vile verbal abuse both over phone, message and text... from men... who start asking these types of questions early on. I have yet to have a man who has asked a question in this way early on who has not blown up in my face calling me all the names under the sun. One even called me a money grabbing wench - Ironic as I had paid for all our dates... may be the case for him too. There's a few different kinds of jealousy, and some people struggle from minor forms of jealousy at the onset of a lot of relationships. There's a huge difference in inquiring and insisting/berating you with hostile questions. 1
Httm Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Be honest and explain that what he said was a turnoff and don't go. Nothing wrong with honesty. 2
Author Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 may be the case for him too. There's a few different kinds of jealousy, and some people struggle from minor forms of jealousy at the onset of a lot of relationships. There's a huge difference in inquiring and insisting/berating you with hostile questions. I am struggling to try and figure out a way of telling you that asking a woman you have yet to meet if she is going on a date with another man from a dating site that evening is not really the done thing or why it is not acceptable to start hurling abuse at a woman randomly with no just cause... These are not difficult concepts to understand. While this guy has not done the second. He has done the first. My experience is that when they do the first, the second is soon to come. I have not yet met a man (in many cases the vile tirades started before meeting so I didn't even get that far) who has asked inappropriate questions before the first meeting who has not then gone on to hurl abuse at me with no just cause. So I am waiting for the tirade of abuse. Understood. Have you tried deflection? What I mean by that is something coy like, while I don't kiss & tell at this very early stage I think a little mystery is in order don't you? I may have another date or I may have another obligation. Let's just focus on when we can meet & go from there. I agree that I'd be put off by a guy who was so blunt early on as to ask. I'd prefer one to simply assume he's not the only game in town for the moment & go from there. Oh D0n you know me. I was just blunt and told him what I was doing. I have no shame in going and feeding the homeless once a week through the winter... Its not as if I have zillions of dates lined up... I never assume I am the only one until we start sleeping together and even then I tend to ask! But then I also understand that there are appropriate times to ask such questions. 1
Robratory Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 all great, then he drops it. Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site. Thump. The excitement and anticipation sunk faster than the titanic. I was actually cooking for a whole heap of homeless folks last night but there I was justifying myself to someone I have never even met... What the hell is that about? Why is it any of his business what I was doing? He could have asked the following day or asked something other than that! Example - Oh are you going out with friends? Oh sounds like you are busy hope you have fun tonight... Why oh why be so insecure and controlling to ask if I was on a date with another guy? It was a dumb question, but I think you're overreacting. You could have laughed and coyly said, "Why do you ask?" You could have said in a mocking tone, "We haven't even met, and you're jealous?" Or you could have just said, "No, I'm volunteering at a kitchen that feeds the homeless." I mean, there were a lot of ways you could have parried the question and made him feel at least a little foolish. So I guess you're going to go, but you've probably already decided you're not going to like the guy. I don't know why people so stubbornly insist on making the perfect the enemy of the good. We see the other side come in here all the time. "OMG, I think I said something dumb and now he/she isn't returning my texts!" And it turns out that what they said wasn't so bad, but yeah, one little comment. I get that there not being attraction is an instant deal-breaker, but I don't get how a clumsy but otherwise harmless comment said with no ill intent can be a deal-breaker. 2
candie13 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 why men do the stuff their do is impossible to tell unless you have a mind reading machine. It seems he's insensitive or enjoys rougher jokes. If that unruffels your feathers and you get a bad vibe from him, I say listen to it and cancel. I have never stayed long enough with a man to call me money grabbing wench or anything - I sense jaded dudes and won't see them. While I understand why you'd be tempted to see him, I propose you to do the following exercise: go into an empty, silent room. Sit on a chair for a couple of minutes and ask yourself "do I really want to see his guy". Don't think about anything else, not the past, no projections, no nothing. Do you feel like seeing this specific dude. If you get a "no" from the inside, prepare the ironing or Netflicks. I am a great believer in intuition. Had I listened to it sooner, it would have saved me so much trouble. SOOOOO much trouble. 1
losangelena Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I'm unclear. I don't see anywhere in your post where he had asked you your business or why you weren't available on a certain night. I had to read it a couple of times, too, to understand what's going on. No offense, Toodaloo, but some punctuation would've been helpful: So yesterday I was asked out. Seems like a great sort of guy so I eagerly said yes please. He asked lets meet tonight. I couldn't so responded sorry I can't tonight I am already busy but free tomorrow. We agree to meet today instead, all great, then he drops it: Am I busy because I am going on a date with someone else from the OLD site? Thump. The excitement and anticipation sunk faster than the titanic. I do think it was a bit rude of him to ask, I would've probably been a bit turned off, or it would've at least put my radar up about him. Be a bit cheeky later—ask him why he asked you. 2
TheArtist Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Go anyway and the second he steps out of line... POW! headbutt to the nose. 5
joseb Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Unless it was done in a kind of playful joking way (and even then I'm not sure it's ok) I'd be put off too. I like Candie's suggestion. Personally I think life's too short to spend doing things you really don't want to. If you feel like you really don't want to see him, but feel bad cancelling, then tell him.why. You are actually helping him by giving useful feedback. Maybe he's a bit clueless. 1
candie13 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Unless it was done in a kind of playful joking way (and even then I'm not sure it's ok) I'd be put off too. I like Candie's suggestion. Personally I think life's too short to spend doing things you really don't want to. If you feel like you really don't want to see him, but feel bad cancelling, then tell him.why. You are actually helping him by giving useful feedback. Maybe he's a bit clueless. I think some feedback might help him, that is for sure. Just not sure if it's Toodless job to give him that help. Her job is to look out for herself. LEt me explain: I've been chatting with a dude on OLD and he was smart. Yet, when we were about to meet, he used the fact that he had a child to his advantage - his time, his date, etc. Don't get me wrong, it is normal, I am child free while he has other responsibilities. It's just that he didn't really ask me what I would prefer, I dunno, little subtle things that made me feel uncomfortable and my intuition was screaming "no no" at me. But... we had a great time chatting and he was witty and funny. So I was canceling on him when I surprised myself explaining why I have said no - giving him feedback. The dude called me immediately and convinced me to see him (told you, he was not daft ). We had a great first date. The second date confirmed all ALL ALL of my suspicions. Sometimes I think I'm psych, lol. Too bad I lack the bigger picture - must be the soft romantic on the inside, hehe Bottom line: don't excuse yourself, don't justify yourself. Do your thing. Watch out for yourself. Safer.
GR4 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 To be honest it seems like a bit of an overreaction on your part, OP. Granted, I wouldn't have asked that question myself but it was just a question at the end of the day. It wasn't an offensive question, it doesn't sound like he was rude about it, maybe he was just curious and didn't want to date someone who might be into multi dating. Cut him a bit of slack, eh.
DivorcedDad123 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Tell him you can't make it. You're making me a sammich and delivering it. 1
Haydn Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Toodaloo. I have the `boy`s` waiting if he steps out of line. Kind of agree with Artist. Maybe go? Bollocks....Maybe not? 2
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