smile95 Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 If I sit and think of my ex, I get panic attacks about never speaking to them again! What happens if I never do? He never ended it and I am the type of person who hates people to be mad at me. Him ignoring me portrays he is mad and I di dnothing wrong! I am on day 16 of NC and going strong, but someitmes I worry that we will not even be friends? Is it ok to call in a few months to establish a friendship? Or by then, will I realize that if he could turn me off so quickly that I do not want him as a "friend". From the past 5 times he has done this, he always calls, but what if he never does? I assume he will wonder what is up with me and why i am not chasing him after a while and call. But what satisfaction it would be to shock him and not go back this time! Will I get over him even if he never really speaks to me about what happened?
suegail Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 If getting over him is what you want then you are doing the right thing by not being in contact and you should just not try to make any changes at this time - don't call him in other words. If you've done nothing to be sorry about or ashamed of where he is concerned, then don't worry about it. Drop it. As to the other question, I see nothing wrong in getting in touch at a later time, somewhere down the road, in order to have a friendship with him, but your feelings about that may change and in fact probably will because you'll have many other interests in your life. Don't sweat the small stuff...
Marshbear Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 My God women. Do you love drama in your life? You have gone back 5 times and none of them as worked out. Maybe this time is the lucky charm for you. Why don't you decide what you want it a relationship and find a guy that wants the same.
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 each time i go back.....it is only cause he is going thru a lot. We get along fine and love each other, but he is getting overwhlemed in life and he shuts me out for a while. But, really, i want so much more than he is willing to give me right now, so maybe this time I should just accept it is over and know that someone else will appreciate me.
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 each time i go back.....it is only cause he is going thru a lot. Does this mean you go back to him when he's in difficulties? When it looks like he needs you to bring a bit of stability into his life, do you rush back in - all aglow with the joy of being needed? If so, watch out. As soon as you become the stabilising force in a "confused" man's life, then you're as well donning an apron, getting a 1950s "hairdo" and calling yourself Mother. I really hope you don't end up climbing back into bed with your little lad. It would be great if you could just start to focus on removing all these "can't live without him" thoughts that are flying around in your mind. Before you can start to do that, however, you need to actually want to free your mind. Are you ready to do that?
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 I honestly just want to be happy and loved. I was with him 3 yrs, so of course all my dreasms were built around him and I think that I am having a hard time letting go of the fantasy I built up/ I do love him and I take him back usually, but this time feels different. Before he dropped off the earth, Iwanted to end this. I was miserable and he was not being very loving. We would bicker becasue I would call him and he would not reply and then when he would call me FINALLY, I would be bitter and that conv ended up bad too. So he never wanted to call once a day just to keep me content(we are LD) and I thought that one call a day was not too much to ask for. That is ALL we ever fought about. And he would not do it. I really want to move on. But, it does not change that I love him. Somtimes I wonder if I just do not like that fact that he is ignoring me and in my head that means he hates me and I know there is no reason for that. When he ususally calls, he is very charming and this time(if he calls) I am not falling for it casue it never lasts
Mr Spock Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 That is something that you will have to get over on your own. You need to constantly keep putting things in perspective-so what if you never speak again?? Your car won't fly off the road, your bank won't crash, and you certainly will meet and date other people. It will help ease the feelings of anxeity you have over this business. Beth, chances are he's NOT ignoring you. Chances are he doesn't hate you. It's more of a case that you're completely out of mind. Once he made the decision in his head that he didn't want a relationship with you I'm fairly certain he moved on, and it is sheer nostalgia that gets him contacting you again. And that's what YOU need to do. Move on. Later, and I think I mean like YEARS later you could ask him what happened. But by then you'll have found someone else and probably won't care.
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 spock-I would believe that I am not in his head, but he has ignored me like this 5 other times and always calls me professing his love to me. So, that is why I am so lost? Wonder at what point it is he decides he better call to "reel" me back in? I am trying my hardest to move on, but deep down I know his pattern and know I have to deal with him sooner or later and I want to be able to be stong this time. Dating would make me forget abouthim I think and it would not be so hard to say "see ya". But I have had 2 men in my life....1 for 5 yrs and 1 for 3. I am not really great at dating or where to find them?
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Dating would make me forget abouthim I think and it would not be so hard to say "see ya". But I have had 2 men in my life....1 for 5 yrs and 1 for 3. I am not really great at dating or where to find them? Dating sucks, but it's better than putting up with the off-and-on boyfriend. Just start going out more, with friends and what have you. First thing that needs to change is the attitude. You're probably just not used to the idea of doing things for you. It was probably always for him. That needs to change.
Mr Spock Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 If you don't take steps to break a cycle you're unhappy with you'll eventually come to enjoy it. Which I think you just might do. You're agonzing over things you can't control, which for some of us is a hobby. Stop it.
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 How do i break this cycle. The problem is...I have become tho think this behavior is normal? I have never had a healthy relationship, so this crap he does to me seems ok in a way? I have nothing to compare it to. How do I go about breaking this cycle and getting rid of this person I have built up in my head when in reality he is nothing like I built him up to be.
scarlyjones Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 You cant continuously keep going back and doing the same thing,...hoping for different results. Just keep in N/C and soon you wont even THINK of him. 16 days is nothing. While its good, its not any real amount of time that you should be OVER it. Just keep chugging along. You'll see. You probably wont have even a shred of interest in having him as a friend in a few months. Just stay the course.
lindya Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 How do i break this cycle. The problem is...I have become tho think this behavior is normal? I have never had a healthy relationship, so this crap he does to me seems ok in a way? I have nothing to compare it to. How do I go about breaking this cycle and getting rid of this person I have built up in my head when in reality he is nothing like I built him up to be. Did you need to build him up in your head in order to have a relationship with him? Has the distance aspect helped you to maintain that false image of him? I'm worried that you might be holding a bunch of tumultous feelings and unmet needs inside that will just be transferred onto the next guy you meet. If this happens, then even a potentially good romance could go awry very quickly. This is why I think counselling would be a good idea for you. You need to figure out what your needs really are and whether they indicate a realistic perception of the world around you. If they don't, then the therapist might be able to help you gain some perspective. It would also be helpful for you to identify ways of getting stimulation outwith the context of a romantic relationship. Bear in mind that no single person is capable of meeting each and every one of your needs and wants. I'm not talking about going out and having a series of one night stands here...what I mean is that some of your needs could be fulfilled through hobbies, new interests or some voluntary work. Those would also help you to keep your mind of this guy - as well as bringing a bit more fun into your life. If you've had a succession of unhealthy relationships, then this is something you could discuss with your counsellor. Sometimes we unconsciously seek out the wrong partner time and time again, not so much because we're victims but because we want to somehow "put right" that which went wrong in previous relationships. Far better to examine what went wrong within the safe environment of counselling from someone who has the skills, knowledge and objectivity to help you. Developing some control over your thoughts isn't easy, but it's essential for you to start doing this. Thoughts feed feelings and enhance them. Next time you find yourself thinking about this guy, turn that thought into a visual thing. Imagine, for instance, that it's a big pile of smelly dog poo that you have to get out of the house (your mind) as quickly as you can. You have to really concentrate on doing this, and be disciplined in doing it every time you have the thought. If you find yourself drifting into fantasy land and dreaming of happy reunions with him, then be strict with that thought and put it out of your head. When it comes back, put it right out again. If you need to spend some time in fantasy-land (and we all do sometimes) , then you're better off getting into a good book or film. And in your frame of mind, I'd suggest that you avoid romances. What about the Harry Potter books? Easy to get into, and they won't make you dwell on coupledom in the way that a slushy romance will.
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 yes, being long distance allows me to build him up in my head and yes, I feel I am in love with being in love. It may not be him, but that is who I imagined it with and it is hard to let go of those dreams(eventho he really never was person I dreamed of) quite the opposite. But in my head, never seeing him for real, I made him out to be this person I loved. I have tried counseling and it does not help? I am broke as it is not anyway. I think that I need to keep busy. I do think of him all the time and I hate it. Scarly........ Do you really think that after a few months I will not even want to call? Is that possible? I guess due to the way he does this to me it is very hard to let go of hope since he comes back(usually). But what I really want is to realized I deserve better and I do not want HIM. Let mne ask a few things....to those of you in a healthy relationship.....is it wrong to want to get a call after you have an important dr appt, is it wrong to want a card or maybe even a gift on xmas, b-day, v-day?, is it wrong to want 1 call a day when you see each other NEVER, is it wrong to want to plan vacations or visits together, is it wrong to expect that person to talk with you about issues you have, is it wrong to want someone to ask you about your day and tell you about theirs?, is it wrong to be able to talk with your partner about things wrong in the relationship and trying to compromise?, is it wrong to want to have that person call me when something big happens or exciting, is it wrong if I want to call him if something exciting happens to me? I have put up with this all and I am confused. Maybe I did ask for too much?
thatsme123 Posted June 11, 2005 Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Beth, chances are he's NOT ignoring you. Chances are he doesn't hate you. It's more of a case that you're completely out of mind. Once he made the decision in his head that he didn't want a relationship with you I'm fairly certain he moved on, and it is sheer nostalgia that gets him contacting you again. I think thats the part that hurts the most...thinking of him not keeping me in mind (sorry to hijack the thread, Beth). The hardest part is doing the same, like you had mentioned. Before, I feared that he hated me...and you're probably right...he has just been able to move on. Now we have to do that, and its scary/hard.
Author smile95 Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 well the 5 other times he did this, I thought he had moved on and he had not. So that is why I am confused.
miss-gonewest Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Beth, I can't say this enough..... you have to move on! You are clingy on to a destructive and unhealthy relationship... You need to sit up and look at what this man is doing to you... he is destroying you and its not healthy! You are miserable and unhappy and you don't need to be! No one is good at relationships, even the best ones take work, so don't be so hard on yourself. You are in love with a man you never see, that never calls, and when he does its only to fill a gap in his own life. He isn't being a friend, a partner or a lover and that's what you keep saying you want. Move on from this one, and find all those things in someone else. There will be a queue of men willing to take his place, go and find one! I jumped on a net dating site the other night, and while its too soon for me to date again, it gave me hope to see that there were so many compatible and good looking guys out there that are lonely just like me. So get your bait, and your fishing line and go and get one of those many fish in the sea!
Author smile95 Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 thanks! AS much as I wanted to cry reading what you wrote, it hit home and I DO need to move on. What the heck is wrong with me so obsessed over this man that is awful to me? I guess it hurts that him ignoring me tells me that I have done something wrong and I know I have not! I shold have rejected him! HE is the one who was horrible to me. Thank you. It may sound corny, but I am printing your reply to read every time I miss him. Thanks!!!
suegail Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 You keep saying this is the fifth time he's done this. Five times. Do you realize what you must be doing for this man's ego? I actually hate to think of it, because in the process of making him feel so good about himself, you're losing ground where your own self esteem is concerned. How do you stop thinking of him? (you asked) how do you stop wanting to call or be with him? C'mon Beth, snap out of it. How do you think you do it? Don't take his calls. Refuse to see him. Have nothing to do with him. Stick to that with no exception whatsoever and I can assure you, you'll begin to respect yourself more and you'll see him in a truer light and in time you'll wonder why you made such a fuss over him.
Author smile95 Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 well he does not call, so that part is easy. We are LD, so I will not be seeing him. This is part of the hard part. He does not call until I stop for over a month. I have no self esteem left and I hate it. I am not sure what snapped in my head(I am positive it has a lot to do w/ what you all told me yest and today)but I am finally starting to see that there are other people who will treat me so much better and will appreciate the way I treat them. I am going to have to really be strong when he does call, if he does. How is this feeding his ego??? Becasue I take him back each time?
scarlyjones Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Yes,...you WONT think of him in a few months. Havent you ever felt very strongly about something? Only to,..now,....not even give it much thought anymore? I mean,..even hobbies are like that. You are sooo into it for a while,..then you put it down for a while,...then it just drifts away. The problem right now is,..you are keeping him up on the front burners of your mind. Start busying your mind. Get out and DO stuff. Maybe take a class. Sewing,....Art,.....Pottery,....Beach Volleyball,...whatever.......but DO something. Its been proven,......when we sit around and do nothing or are just bored,....our minds go directly to our problems or sources of depression 70% of the time. I read this in a study. Its basically us just sulking. Occupy your mind and before you even realize its been a couple months,...you will think to yourself,....."Wow,..I havent even THOUGHT about him in like 2 months"
Author smile95 Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 Cool-I look forward to that day!!! Right now it seems impossible, but I trust you 100%!!! THanks
suegail Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I think your self-esteem is low because you allow yourself to believe you need him in your life in order for you to be happy and that is false, nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, he's getting an enormous ego boost from you, because he knows he can brush you off, disregard your feelings, not see you or show any desire to know how you are, even probably run off with someone else, yet have you back any time he so desires. He has that much power over your emotions. He's proven it five times, and probably many more if you factor in all the other control techniques he's no doubt acquired. Don't allow it to happen this time. He will call at some point because he won't be able to resist it and/or because he has no other recourse. He's probably getting dumped by every other woman he tries for because he is basically a jerk and you know, it does sometimes take about a month to know that about a person if they are putting on a good act, which would explain his 30 day silences. He comes back to you because you're always there, every single time. Not a doubt in his mind that he can have you. Be strong this time. I know you can.
Author smile95 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 I will be strong~I am making that promise to you all now! I will not take him back, should he call. And you are right, I feel like my slef esteem is on the floor. I depended on his phone calls (or lack of) to make me happy and that was wrong. I was actaully diagnosed with severe depression a yr ago from him and his game. I was on antidepressants(so is he for other reasons) and I think that should be my key when I need couseling and pills to deal with him. I almost want him to call so that I can tell him no way or maybe ignore him like he did me! In a way I feel sorry for him tho. He is going thru a divorce and scared of losing his child and his work is nuts and he is there 24/7. So eliminating me is wwaht he does until things settle down and then he calls on me. Not this time. I wish I did not love him tho. I want t omeet other people, but I do not know where? Everyone is telling me I am so pretty and sweet and nice and cannot believe I am single, never married, and no kids. It is like that is unheard of these days or something??? If he never calls again, will I still get over him? Won't I always wonder though? Won't I always have this urge to call?
miss-gonewest Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Beth, only YOU have the power to let go or your emotions and your neediness... no one else can do that for you. No one can make you get over him (and he certainly can't as long as you allow him into your life) EXCEPT YOU. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do, but as long as you allow him to be in your thoughts and as long as you obsess, you will only make yourself feel worse than you already do. Its healthy to 'wallow' in self pity and to be sad, and in fact you should allow yourself these feelings-but only for a certain period of time! Maybe say to yourself, I will sit here and think on this until Wednesday and then after that enough is enough! Otherwise you will spend all your time feeling miserable! I know you don't want that, but you seem bent on dragging yourself down by constantly asking the same questions! Stop asking questions that you will never know the answer to, and start looking at the positives in your life - you have two arms, two legs, a beating heart, a healthy body and an active mind... there are people living their lives in wheelchairs with none of the blessings you have. I know watching the news and reading the paper really puts my life into perspective and its a reminder, that I am so lucky and this time in my life will pass. Everyone here has told you to NOT CALL HIM, GET RID OF HIM, MOVE ON - we can't do that for you, only you can do it yourself. Sign up to an internet dating site (that's where I met my ex and several friends) - start slowly by say emailing people, and then force yourself to meet someone for a coffee. You don't have to marry anyone, but start getting yourself out there and building up your self esteem. You will hopefully also learn that there are many, many decent men out there that feel the same way as you, and that they WILL be there for you when you need someone. I don't know your social circumstances, but start asking around at work to see if anyone has any single friends; join a bookclub; get involved in your church activities.... I don't know what else to suggest as I still haven't found the way to meet people, so if anyone else has ideas, share them! (I can recommend dating sites if you are cautious, but that's just my personal opinion). And DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, because Beth, he ain't sitting there feeling sorry for you! He isn't worth all these emotions you are giving him! So stop destroying yourself and start healing! Sorry for the rant.... I hope it didn't come across as too harsh I really do mean well for you, and I want you to get happy!
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