soleilesquire Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I have a daughter who is a college student, and of course, while I cannot protect her from life's hurts, I'd like to be able to advise her in ways that might minimize her hurt or bad experiences. Since it has been established by many that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior," what do you think I should tell her about dating a guy who used to be a player? Because if he spent his early dating years being a player, getting bedpost notches, etc. then isn't that a fair prediction of how he might be in the future? I mean, if he was willing to use girls for sex, what else might he have done? I am thinking I should tell her that if she ever encounters a man who used to be a player, she should pretty much write him off. What do you think?
Httm Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I think that she is in college and the time for teaching her and her being receptive has passed. 1
SSJROMANCE Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 How would she know he was a player? Do players actually admit they were players in the past? Once a player probably ALWAYS a player but again how would she know?
Author soleilesquire Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 I think that she is in college and the time for teaching her and her being receptive has passed. She's a bit of a late bloomer, and she comes to me for advice. But it's a good question to ask. IF the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and a man's past behavior is that of a player, or a man who visited a prostitute or frequented "gentleman's establishments," shouldn't an honorable girl stay away from him?
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 You are supposed to be a player of sorts in college. It's a time for carefree exploration. If the guy wasn't a liar, meaning he didn't lead women on by telling them he wanted something serious only to get them into bed under false pretenses but was more of a love 'em and leave 'em type, you can caution her that giving her heart (or her body) to such a person may cause heartache but some lessons need to learned through experience. I'm a woman but in college I was a bit of a player. My sorority sisters joked that my idea of a double date was I'd have a lunch date with 1 guy & a dinner date with another. I loved the thrill of the chase & wanted nothing to do with the idea of commitment. I never lied. I just left if he got remotely serious. While past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, nobody has a crystal ball. People do grow up & settle down so things that happened in high school & college aren't always an accurate measure of who somebody will be as an adult. You can't protect her forever. 2
Author soleilesquire Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 That is actually a very logical and rational take on things, Donnivan. People are capable of change. Although most of the young men I knew who were players, managed to be players mostly by juggling several girls without their knowledge or pretending feelings that weren't there. It may be that things are modern enough now that an 18 year old guy actually tells all three girls he is sleeping with someone else. But what if she meets a guy who was in the military and while he was in, say, the Philippines, he availed himself of a brothel? I mean, his past pegs him as a "hooker guy." Should that eliminate him? I'm trying to figure out how best to advise her. And the lines seem blurrier when it comes to a man's past, so I wasn't sure. I mean, if I was advising my son, and the girl in question were the former hussy (don't you love that word), it would be clear. Just not sure about how to advise a daughter.
GorillaTheater Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Just not sure about how to advise a daughter. I had a thread here a while back with much the same topic, except the guy struck me as a skeevy little bastard more than a player. Another problem was that she was a thousand miles away at the time. I was really wringing my hands, but I knew I couldn't take the direct approach: I knew how that would probably go, being the skeevy bastard in my youth that girls' parents hated. All you can do is talk when she wants to talk, hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, like helping her to pick up the pieces if everything goes south. We all have our lessons to learn in life, and experience is a hard teacher. You get the test first and then the lesson. But we can't shield our kids from those experiences, at least not well.
lilmissjava Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Making adult decisions when you reach adulthood on your own behalf is a product of life itself. If you have instilled conservative values and morals upon your daughter, you would have no reason to worry about possible engagements with alleged players. 1
stillafool Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 ? I am thinking I should tell her that if she ever encounters a man who used to be a player, she should pretty much write him off. What do you think? I think it is a good idea to have the talk with her, but chances are she will experience a player or two. You telling her to stay away peaks her interest.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 But what if she meets a guy who was in the military and while he was in, say, the Philippines, he availed himself of a brothel? I mean, his past pegs him as a "hooker guy." Should that eliminate him? Ask her pointed Qs. Ask her how she feels about prostitution in general. Discuss those very real issues with her. Be armed with facts about STIs, especially among foreign sex workers, but don't lecture. Ask her what she expects from a BF? From a long term SO? from a husband? Press her to define her own values. In essence make her think.
xcupid Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I think she will learn life's lessons herself and in her own way. Doubtful what you say to her will have much impact when she's influenced by hormones.
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I think she will learn life's lessons herself and in her own way. Doubtful what you say to her will have much impact when she's influenced by hormones. I tend to agree and real players do not tend to have "player" stamped on their foreheads either. Many real players are pretty good at deceiving all the women they get involved with, so I guess your daughter will be no better equipped, than any other woman in that situation. NO matter how many talks you give her.
jen1447 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Tough question bc I haven't known many young adults who were terribly interested in their parents' input. (That comes later after they screw sth up. )
Author soleilesquire Posted February 17, 2016 Author Posted February 17, 2016 Honestly, it never entered my mind that a person should forever branded "tainted" based on past behavior that has obviously consistently changed. But that seems to be a theme. I mean, if I am supposed to tell my grown son to forever write of any girl who has a number higher than 3, once let someone take a naked picture, cheated on her boyfriend at 15 by kissing another 15 year old because "past behavior predicts future behavior," then it stands to reason that any guy who has ever been a player, visited a hooker, or been to a topless bar should be off the list too...
katiegrl Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I have a daughter who is a college student, and of course, while I cannot protect her from life's hurts, I'd like to be able to advise her in ways that might minimize her hurt or bad experiences. Since it has been established by many that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior," what do you think I should tell her about dating a guy who used to be a player? Because if he spent his early dating years being a player, getting bedpost notches, etc. then isn't that a fair prediction of how he might be in the future? I mean, if he was willing to use girls for sex, what else might he have done? I am thinking I should tell her that if she ever encounters a man who used to be a player, she should pretty much write him off. What do you think? Given what is quoted in bold....does this mean she has NOT met such a man yet....and that you simply want to warn her in advance should she meet such a man?
Wewon Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I have a daughter who is a college student, and of course, while I cannot protect her from life's hurts, I'd like to be able to advise her in ways that might minimize her hurt or bad experiences. Since it has been established by many that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior," what do you think I should tell her about dating a guy who used to be a player? Because if he spent his early dating years being a player, getting bedpost notches, etc. then isn't that a fair prediction of how he might be in the future? I mean, if he was willing to use girls for sex, what else might he have done? I am thinking I should tell her that if she ever encounters a man who used to be a player, she should pretty much write him off. What do you think? I gave a very similar answer to a completely different topic about a guy whose girlfriend would accept an apology. Instead of trying to find 'playeresque' indicators you should advise her to look closely observe his character. The bad part of a guy being a player would be the lack of transparency and the tendency to charm and dazzle to get his way. I think that this is why most people resent the actions of others, its the feeling that they were "tricked" or mislead in some way. I don't mean to look for if the guy is a boyscout, but instead to seriously consider things like being manipulative, stretching the truth, being dismissive, overly restlessness etc. 1
MissBee Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I have a daughter who is a college student, and of course, while I cannot protect her from life's hurts, I'd like to be able to advise her in ways that might minimize her hurt or bad experiences. Since it has been established by many that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior," what do you think I should tell her about dating a guy who used to be a player? Because if he spent his early dating years being a player, getting bedpost notches, etc. then isn't that a fair prediction of how he might be in the future? I mean, if he was willing to use girls for sex, what else might he have done? I am thinking I should tell her that if she ever encounters a man who used to be a player, she should pretty much write him off. What do you think? People change. We all do. Many people used to be a lot of things that they aren't anymore. It's fine and important to look at someone's past but what you have to do is try to compare it to how they are today and see if who they say they are today matches up. Has your daughter asked for dating advice? If she hasn't then I'd probably not bring it up as she probably will not listen anyway if she didn't ask you. But if she did, I would rather advise her to watch and listen to people's actions and see if they match up, set her boundaries for how she wants to be treated, and pay attention to actions and walk if a man isn't treating her the way she wants. That's more reasonable and useful advice that applies to all kinds of situations, not just "former players." It makes more sense to me than saying she should assume people cannot change so if a guy actually confesses he used to be a player she should write him off. He may or may not be lying, but I'd assume if he says he used to do it, then he's being honest that he isn't like that anymore. But point is: most guys won't announce their flaws to her so: paying attention to actions, words, her gut and setting her own boundaries for what she will and won't tolerate in dating will serve her much better in all dating scenarios.
Author soleilesquire Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 This is actually more in line with what most people I know believe. I mean, most people I know who don't have baggage issues don't categorize a 30 year old by their 18 year old behavior. But I have observed so much of this permanent categorization online I thought, "hey, maybe I'm wrong." My kids ask for my perspective on a lot of things, and I wouldn't want any personal hangups I might have chosen not to work through to skew my advice. Actually, this discussion with my daughter started because she was reading over my shoulder while I was online recently. She was the one who posed the former player question.
Leigh 87 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 What's hurtful about dating a player that you should at least warn her about, is that even the most hardened player eventually finds someone that makes him fall head over heels. That girl probably won't be your daughter. But maybe your daughter is the girl that has made him want a relationship? Some players give grandiose displays of generosity to compensate for their lack of emotions. Some players are that way inclined due to lacking empathy and not having the capacity to feel much. My generous player flew me to see him and spent 1000s on me. All bullshyt. Just was enamoured with my body and looks (I am not a looker but I was stronglt his type). The lesson is.... you never know with players until later down the track. No grand displays of affection are signs he is serious.....the way he looked at me and acted seemed at times like he was genuinely falling for me. I have no doubt that he thought he was at one stage. But it was infatuation based. That wears off. Everyone deserves a shot. I was permiscuous for 2 years of my adult life and even posed semi nude in exclusive adult mags to put myself through college the first time around. Yet the other 10 years of my adult life I've been very very conservative and discovered that I am a good girl that only feels right about sex in the cotext of a relationship. .... People can change. I sure did and my bf has a very devoted gf who has dinner on the table and tickles his back the second he gets through the door each night and treats him to massages at day spas despite being broke myself. Players can change. They are not always bad people. I I also think the word player has multiple connotations.... a man that has slept around isn't a player necessarily. Some players haven't slept around yet lie and just xate multiple women at once without racking u p high numbers for actual intercourse......... I had a player because although he was infatuated initially, he kept me on the hook for when he felt like spending money to fly me out to be his human sex toy:sick: So leading a girl on when you know full well she is into you and you're not into her is my definition of a player and @ss!Sleeping around as a young man and not leading girls on and being clear and honest from the outset? That ain't a player in my books.
Qboro90 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 There's no way you can protect your daughter from certain things in life. Sometimes the nicest guy in the world who you might love as her BF, can be the one who cheats on her and breaks her heart yet keeps somehow sucking her back in and making her believe he'll change. While it's easy to stereotype and say "stay away from the players, I know from experience", I think that depends a lot upon your daughters individual character, and the time period of her life. For example, I used to be the quintessential definition of a player from late hs through college. Wasn't that I was hurting girls or emotionally being an *******, but I was a single guy on a college sports team so naturally I had my fill of fun as did the majority of people I knew, both guys and girls. Post college however, I focused on building up my career, and eventually started dating my dream girl (who ironically, wouldn't date me in college despite me asking multiple times, because she felt like I was a player and felt I was too immature at the time) , have never come close or even though about cheating on her and now we're set to be married this summer. So if your daughter is in high school or college, she should know that the guys who hook up with a lot of girls should be made to earn it if they decide to start seeing them, and to hold off falling so hard so fast until the guy proves that he's committed and treats her differently. Once guys leave college and get to the later part of their 20's, the "player" mentality and lifestyle usually fades away for most guys (obviously there are those who never get over it, but that's just reality) and they look for the girl who can keep their attention and settle down with. You can advise your daughter to have standards and make sure she doesn't lower them for any guy, no matter how good lookig, charming, popular, etc he is. If she values herself and grows up to be independent, where she's not one of those girls who rely on the guy or relationship they're in to be happy, then she'll be fine. It also should be said that everyone needs to experience these things on their own. I'm sure as a mother you know this. You can warn her a million times but until she has her heart broken or finds out first hand, she's going to think that "this guy is different, he's not like that anymore". Unfortunately you can't shake the naive and stupid out of people so you just hope that the mistakes and guys she dates who end up not being right, are experiences she learns from and doesn't continue to make the same choices and mistakes. But for ex players everywhere I'd like to say... We're not all bad, it's not a permanent lifestyle that will eventually reveal its ugly head. In the current era and culture we live in, the majority of guys and girls date/sleep with multiple partners during their youth. So if everyone is a player... Then you can't just stay away from everyone right? My parents were part of the previous generation where men and women settled down at earlier ages, didn't have access to so many dating opportunities and ways to meet people as we do now... So your daughter just needs to have standards and be able to smartly date using her head.
Author soleilesquire Posted February 18, 2016 Author Posted February 18, 2016 In other words, the consensus in this case seems to be to advise her to be smart but NOT to permanently judge someone by their past. I think that sounds healthy. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 I have always said that if you can keep your own emotions & hormones in check, players give good date. They are the guys who will sweep you off your feet & do the things women dream about from books, movies & TV. Granted they are doing this -- trying to sweep you off your feet -- to get you flat on your back. So caution is the watch word but in some instances players can be fun. I was actually looking for one -- because I wanted to romanced -- when I found DH. Although he looks like a player (movie star handsome) he is the farthest thing from a player & couldn't be manipulative even if he took lessons. lol 1
PogoStick Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 Since it has been established by many that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior," Only Dr Phil says that, and he's an idiot. Specifically, rather than "tell" your daughter the danger. The best would be to open up discussion that provokes her to think "Daughter, what have Boyfriend's previous relationships been like? Do you think Boyfriend is interested in a serious relationship?" And simply leave the door open "If you ever need to talk about anything, or need advice, I'm here for you." 1
candie13 Posted February 18, 2016 Posted February 18, 2016 ok, here's what I think: - people hardly change. Most of the times, what you see is what you get - it is great that your daughter comes to you for advice - you do not know what sort of interaction they have, what he told her, what he promised her (if anything), etc. If I had a daughter, I would do my best to teach her to listen to herself and be in touch with what she really wants. Teach her to ask herself what she wants - irrelevant of the men chasing her: does she want a steady bf or is she ok to not take any guy seriously and focus on other things - like school or work? Only after that I'd talk to her about this man. I would explain that while we may not know for sure if past behavior predicts future behavior, the reality is that seeing this guy puts her at risk. So if she is aware of this risk and would be fine to be potentially, one of girls this guy is seeing, fine. I think the worst would be to just give her a dry answer, without considering the context and without making her aware of the context.
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