Apologising

[Guitarisgood]

I said some very hurtful things when a friend was leaning on me for support after a breakup. We're both guilty of doing and saying things but I think I hit the hammer on the nail with my last thing said.

 

Hence we stopped talking to each other.

 

Truthfully I've fallen on some hard times that culminated in me heading to counselling. As such I've started to pick up the pieces; getting in touch with people I pushed away and getting my life back on line.

 

Thing is to tick off the final box, I surprised her to meet and apologise to her. We talked and talked and talked and left on good terms. Still not back to open communicating though.

 

Yet I feel weird. I am finally at ease and don't feel the guilt and anxiety that was plaguing my mind. But then I feel stupid having apologised (I've only ever apologised 2 times in my life).

 

So I guess I understand that it may take longer before we even get back to a point where we are talking again let alone if we do. But then, did I do the right thing?

[Wewon]

So, first things first, the part that you knew was inevitable from the time you clicked the icon to start the thread; for context purposes what was the back story of the comment/discussion that lead to the hurtful comment?

 

Thing is to tick off the final box, I surprised her to meet and apologise to her.

 

Your story implies that this happened a while back and you are only now considering the apology, almost like you're going through some kind of 12 step thing.

 

What do you think is the purpose of apologizing?

 

I ask that because I've noticed that a lot of people absolutely hate apologizing and do their best never to have to give one. Even to the point of torching the relationship completely to avoid it.

 

My take:

 

Depending on what you said and its context, a certain trust may have been violated. Not in the same way that physically stealing or assaulting someone violates trust, but more of a trust that the person respects and empathizes with you.

 

This is the kind of trust that is built up via gestures and words, refusing to push a particular button, put them in certain positions etc.; its the whole 'not going there' aspect of relationships. Unfortunately, this kind of trust often comes with the defense that its no big deal, because the violation was symbolic so we flip it on the other person blaming their ego or claiming that they are too sensitive. Afterall, their bank account was untouched and they still have all of their teeth right?

 

Once you have demonstrated that you have no (or insufficient) regard for them, its hard to pretend that it never happened. The only way for this chasm to heal is for the person to know that there is some genuine contrition on your part. If your apology appeared to be perfunctory then it may seem like you don't appreciate the pain that you may have caused and hence will eventually do it again.

[Guitarisgood]

Back story then my friend, well we became the foil for each others failed relationships that started to foster into a pseudo-relationship. My psychologist explained to me I have a fear of intimacy that is linked to other issues and this is what leads me to self sabotage things. Hence after a particular incident from her, I ripped into regarding how volatile, sensitive etc she is while alluding to her need for constant validation from men. She apologised to me first and I disappeared. I guess I was surprised I myself said that.

 

I swear my apology was genuine. Didn't roll off my tongue and half the time I was struggling to get it out but it was genuine. I guess in my naivety I thought we'd open up channels of communication but maybe it is just too soon.

 

After some reflection though, I now feel it was the right thing to do; even if it meant more to me than it may have seemed empty to her and I may feel stupid for a while longer. I feel I can now finally move on in my life from a period that doctors were considering medicating me for for my mental health.

 

I guess I just miss the closeness and attention we gave each other which was essentially open communication 24/7, an answer after immediately replying. Thanks for the reply though.

[Satu]

I think you did the right thing.

 

For yourself, if not for her.

[Wewon]

I think that it was good that you apologized and that it was sincere.

 

That being said, this sounds like a clear case of "going there" and even with a sincere apology it may be difficult to go back to state as though it had not been said. Who knows how deep the roots are on this subject for her and it may have rocked her that you were willing to say those things.

[todreaminblue]

you for sure did the right thing as satu said for you, more so than her and honestly if the apology was sincere then she would know it....just give her time.....from experience its hard to forget hurtful things that are said or done when there is a backbone of truth to them......for instance when i was a girl having chants made up about me repeated over and over again even if they didnt chant...i heard them say it in silence...because i knew they were thinking it.........i still here those chant sometimes normally when i need to do something in public like speak or give a talk.....i still talk though...eventually the chant stops

 

 

but i would say yes it has had an effect.... hurtful things said can often scar more than a kick to the head.......so give her time to trust you again.....i am not saying what you said is anything like what happened to me but...what i am saying is often if a woman is put down by a friend or a person she classified as friend.......apologies help gain a bit of trust back..remember that next time...and yes you did the right thing...good luck...deb