It ll started with “We need to get away to rekindle things a little”.

February 17, 2016

I guess I just need to vent a bit.

Been in a relationship with my now-fiancee for two years. As background, she is tremendously driven in her job, and also, has two teens from a previous marriage. This takes up a lot of her time. A lot!

Last night we had a bit of a strongly worded chat that all started with something she said yesterday morning: “We need to get away to rekindle things a little”.

Now, this is not the first time she’s said that over the last while.

The problem however is, it’s all talk, mostly from her. When it comes to the follow-through, she is quite disinterested most of the time, citing work responsibilities or “what about the kids?”. So, it never happens.

So, last night I brought it up again in an effort to see what she wants to do, but it very quickly turned a little heated. The problem is, I told her, that she feels we need to rekindle things, but, when we do have time to rekindle anything and spend some decent time together, she never seems interested or plans fall through.

A good example was this past valentines day. Sure, it’s a commercial pithole but hell, will it hurt to just be silly and actually make something of it? Since cash is a bit tight for our household, I suggested we just head out and go for a picnic somewhere. In the end, it did not happen. She opted to go visit with friends the night before rather and on v-day she was too tired and requested we stay home. She sat doing her nails all day and I ended up watching tv.

I told her that, as far as rekindling goes, we’ve got ample opportunity but it must also be a focused effort from both sides. I’m not going to suggest things for us to do, but she’d rather run off to go do something else most of the time.

Hell, because of things impacting on our time we've even had to cancel our wedding date...twice...at the moment it's still hanging. When asked when she'd like to have it, she's never really clear.

Most afternoons I get home from work before her. I start prepping dinner and by the time she gets home, it’s ready and dinner for the household is served. Sometimes she gets home earlier but will go sit in front of the tv or play on her tablet until dinner is ready. This has been going on for months. Never-mind the fact that not once will she say “honey, let me prepare dinner tonight. You must also be tired”. Anyway, after dinner, she stares at the tv until its bedtime, and then, she usually grabs her tablet as soon as she gets in, and plays games etc until she falls asleep. I told her, that there’s time daily to connect. Or, rekindle things. But that things need to change. She got quite upset. I told her that the fact that she basically makes no effort to connect with me for whichever reason is a large contributor to the distance she feels between us, but that she isn’t helping by, especially when bedtime arrives and the household is sorted, chooses to rather sit on tablet instead of connecting with her future husband. She again brought up all her responsibilities outside of our relationship…work…kids…she is a social person and cannot just hang around with one person all the time.

The issue is, as a couple, we never hang out, just the two of us. There’s always a rush after the kids, she sits up working late, or she makes plans with friends. Not once have I heard her say “everything can wait. Tonight/today/the next couple of hours are for us”. Never. There’s always something…

February 17, 2016

You guys need to spend time together, in privacy. Not home ,not with kids , friends. There is no working around it. With all the responsibilities, she needs down time , just like you do.

One on one time spent is the only way. If she is not forthcoming with this , could there be some resentment building on her end for some reason ? Any unresolved issue ? She seems to want it but is reluctant. You need to find that and work from there.

Ultimately , you both need to want to make it happen. Maybe she gave up on trying?

February 17, 2016

Uh oh! She does not seem to be responding to your bids, and you're starting to develop contempt. You need to read this article on John Gotman and Robert Levinson's research at "The Love Lab." This is not going to be comfortable for you, but it probably is important. I'm anxious to hear your thoughts after you've read it. Pay particular attention to paragraph ten.

February 17, 2016

It doesn't sound as though she is particularly interested in you. She seems to enjoy the benefits of being in a relationship but doesn't actually enjoy the relationship itself.

Normally I would advise you talk to her, but it seems you've already done that, and nothing has changed. It may be time for a more serious talk. You need to say that you are unhappy with the relationship in its current state. If she doesn't take action to improve it, time to question whether she is really the one for you.

February 17, 2016

I'm always weary when couples need to "rekindle" that early...you should still be in the honeymoon stage! I agree with the others that it sounds like she's already checked out. Which could be why you can't get a wedding date out of her...

February 17, 2016

My guess is that she is so busy with her kids and her job that she sees home as a haven and a place she can just do the things she feels like doing to relax.

She is almost unaware of you as a human being, you are just part of the furniture most of the time, and that is fine too, most couples get into comfortable routines, being pressurized into doing "exciting" things 24/7 is not healthy either.

BUT she is aware that the relationship is NOT good, else she would never have said "We need to get away to rekindle things a little”. and I guess that is why she is stalling on the wedding too.

However, when you brought it up again, you went about this the completely wrong way, " I told her, that she feels we need to rekindle things, but, when we do have time to rekindle anything and spend some decent time together, she never seems interested or plans fall through." hence you got her back up, and YOU essentially started a fight...

Instead of leaving it open and merely asking her about her plans for this "rekindling", you went on the offensive, and blamed her for ruining all the plans in the past - she didn't like the criticism and you got into a full blown fight...

She reached out to you, and you used it as an excuse to go for the jugular...

February 17, 2016

She has a good deal. What are you getting out of this?

February 17, 2016

I agree with most of what's been said. I seriously think it's time to move on, as this woman will never make you and the relationship a priority. She likes the convenience, but doesn't want any of the work or responsibility of nurturing a good relationship. It's all about her.

February 17, 2016

Interesting article.

It takes both partners to be kind to each other to work. One being kind/ forgiving all the time ends up the relationship. We all are humans and have a give up point.

February 17, 2016

Interesting article.

It takes both partners to be kind to each other to work. One being kind/ forgiving all the time ends up the relationship. We all are humans and have a give up point.

Yes, we all have fundamental needs that must be met in a relationship if it is to be successful. And by successful I don't just mean that it doesn't implode and end in divorce... I mean for two people to sustain satisfaction and positive regard for one another indefinitely. The first time I read about the Gotman-Levinson research the critical behavior was characterized as attention, and I believe that is a simple, accurate description with several facets... big picture, moment to moment, and everything in between.

For instance, if one person is sitting, reading a book, and the other walks through the room and comments on something, in a successful couple the one who's reading will be not just willing, but enthusiastic, about looking up and engaging with their partner. These are both individual personality characteristics and relationship characteristics for the couple.

David Richo poses that effective relationships are built on what he terms "The Five A's of Mindful Loving." Those are Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing. I suggest that people read and reread that book, and do their best to integrate the Five A's as a way of being present in your relationship.

February 17, 2016

I never like to hear about couple having difficulties before marriage....

I find I always ask myself the question... If now? What happens in 10 years?

Alone time for a couple is very important... It doesn't have to involve money or going anywhere.

Go soak in the tub together after dinner...talk... About everything... The kids.. Your jobs ... Whatever

But take 20 minutes after the dishes are cleaned up... To just be the two of you.

Tell the kids.. No interruptions... Give them a project to keep them busy... But take 20 minutes everyday to reconnect.

Send her a text message everytime you have a sweet thought about her. Concentrate on the reasons you fell in love with her. Don't fill your lives with negative thoughts. Time is too short.

Make sure she knows you love her... Never ever let her think you don't care.

I promise if you make her feel loved and safe she will reciprocate...

Rekindling means to renew and build up the fire that is there... It doesn't mean the fire went out... It means she wants to make sure it doesn't go out.

You took what she said to be negative... You took it to mean she no longer cares.

Be less critical...

I want to commend you on taking care of her... And I wish she would thank you for what you do. She has grown complacent... Shame on her for that!

We always need to make sure our partner knows how much we appreciate them and the things they do for us.

I wish you the very best... Don't give up.. Dig in deeper

February 17, 2016

Lots of good suggestions. I'd make a list of them and dive in.

If I can add to the list...

Get the book: His Needs, Her Needs.

February 17, 2016

Look, I don't often say this, but she has you held at arm's length most all the time, sounds like, and if I were you, I'd be worried if her choosing to marry you has only to do with financial security for her and her kids. Doesn't sound like she really wants a relationship. Obviously, she says you need to rekindle, so she feels the fire is out, but then she doesn't really want to rekindle, does she? I wouldn't marry her with no more effort on her part to make a connection, and I'm not talking about sex, but just talking and keeping you company. And sex.

February 18, 2016

I guess I just need to vent a bit.

Been in a relationship with my now-fiancee for two years. As background, she is tremendously driven in her job, and also, has two teens from a previous marriage. This takes up a lot of her time. A lot!

Last night we had a bit of a strongly worded chat that all started with something she said yesterday morning: “We need to get away to rekindle things a little”.

Now, this is not the first time she’s said that over the last while.
The problem however is, it’s all talk, mostly from her. When it comes to the follow-through, she is quite disinterested most of the time, citing work responsibilities or “what about the kids?”. So, it never happens.

So, last night I brought it up again in an effort to see what she wants to do, but it very quickly turned a little heated. The problem is, I told her, that she feels we need to rekindle things, but, when we do have time to rekindle anything and spend some decent time together, she never seems interested or plans fall through.

A good example was this past valentines day. Sure, it’s a commercial pithole but hell, will it hurt to just be silly and actually make something of it? Since cash is a bit tight for our household, I suggested we just head out and go for a picnic somewhere. In the end, it did not happen. She opted to go visit with friends the night before rather and on v-day she was too tired and requested we stay home. She sat doing her nails all day and I ended up watching tv.

I told her that, as far as rekindling goes, we’ve got ample opportunity but it must also be a focused effort from both sides. I’m not going to suggest things for us to do, but she’d rather run off to go do something else most of the time.

Hell, because of things impacting on our time we've even had to cancel our wedding date...twice...at the moment it's still hanging. When asked when she'd like to have it, she's never really clear.

Most afternoons I get home from work before her. I start prepping dinner and by the time she gets home, it’s ready and dinner for the household is served. Sometimes she gets home earlier but will go sit in front of the tv or play on her tablet until dinner is ready. This has been going on for months. Never-mind the fact that not once will she say “honey, let me prepare dinner tonight. You must also be tired”. Anyway, after dinner, she stares at the tv until its bedtime, and then, she usually grabs her tablet as soon as she gets in, and plays games etc until she falls asleep.I told her, that there’s time daily to connect. Or, rekindle things. But that things need to change. She got quite upset. I told her that the fact that she basically makes no effort to connect with me for whichever reason is a large contributor to the distance she feels between us, but that she isn’t helping by, especially when bedtime arrives and the household is sorted, chooses to rather sit on tablet instead of connecting with her future husband. She again brought up all her responsibilities outside of our relationship…work…kids…she is a social person and cannot just hang around with one person all the time.

The issue is, as a couple, we never hang out, just the two of us. There’s always a rush after the kids, she sits up working late, or she makes plans with friends. Not once have I heard her say “everything can wait. Tonight/today/the next couple of hours are for us”. Never. There’s always something…

You are absolutely right, you have pointed out time that you do have to connect. It sounds like she's doing an awful lot of sitting around too, how about suggesting the 2 of you go out for a walk after dinner? The excersise and fresh air will do you wonders and you'll have the chance to chat without distraction.

February 18, 2016

Thanks everyone for your responses.

To sum up, it just feels like a lot of the time she's got time for everything else, except to make time for "us". She can rush after the kids, friends, work, family, etc, but, when it comes to us, the relationship, from what I can tell, mostly comes last. I have tried to talk to her abut this, but she mostly goes on the offense during these chats.

I have to add that i think she lacks the understanding of what a relationship requires sometimes. From what I gather her past relationships have not really been ones of commitment and focus on each other.

As far as telling her I think about her daily, during the day, let me tell you, for a man in his 30's, it borders on juvenile sometimes. From loving pictures to short love letters...most of it happens almost on a daily basis.

Her request to rekindle things was and is still very confusing. The reason being, she is the one that cant focus on the relationship, and is constantly rushing after everything else, yet, she wants to rekindle things. Then, when we have the odd occasion where we can just be together and connect, the interest is not there. Or, she will never initiate it. I do. And a lot of the times get shot down.

Regardless, after my post yesterday I booked us a night way at the end of the month. She last night expressed that she was looking forward to it. I told her that, come hell or high water, we are going.

Edited February 18, 2016 by bravojohn

February 18, 2016

When you go on your weekend, make sure she leaves the tablet at home.

Best wishes.

February 18, 2016

Sincerely hope the adventure does rekindle the relationship.

Met the self sabotage persons, and I think you may want to pack some flood boots.

When actions do not match the words, believe the actions.

She actually does know about relationships, she has maintained such with her children and friends. Her flaw (or it seems) is the ability to regenerate the commitment to your relationship

February 18, 2016

I told her that, come hell or high water, we are going.

Stick to this. One on one is the only way to have and increase intimacy.She might end up wanting more

February 19, 2016

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Regardless, after my post yesterday I booked us a night way at the end of the month. She last night expressed that she was looking forward to it. I told her that, come hell or high water, we are going.

If she does try to back out at the last minute, tell her that you booked a time for two, and if she is not coming, you will take Old Lady Feeney from down the block. Then Do IT! Of course, you will also need to include Feeney's single grand daughter who is living with her... Tell your honey that you will text her nightly, if you can summon up enough energy to stay awake long enough...

February 19, 2016

OP your relationship is already in the doldrums. For a man in his thirties I have to wonder why you would have chosen to hitch your wagon to a woman with so much baggage. In your position you have a choice of finding a lot of eligible single women. Your current lady has too many hang ups to be able to give you the time of day. She seems to have made a doormat out of you and doormats are not suppose.f to question the person wiping their feet on them. That is why the temper tantrums.

No good will come of this relationship if you persist and if God forbid, you get married you will become a bonded labour for life. So think about it and get out while you can.

February 20, 2016

I can understand her prioritizing her kids or career, but IMO a grown adult constantly prioritizing her friends over a partner of 2 years is rather unacceptable. Her cancelling her plans on V Day with you because she was tired from going out with friends last night was also unacceptable.

If she had cancelled because her kid was sick or there was a last-minute job deadline, I might understand, but she's too tired because she CHOSE to go out for fun last night knowing full well the two of you had plans and hadn't connected for a long time? IMO only someone who was well on the way to checking out of their R would do that. Even if something had come up and you had to stay home, surely she could still have made the effort to connect and do something with you at home instead of doing her nails - if she had cared. "If" being the keyword here.

I truly hope your vacation with her rekindles your R, but I fear that it sounds to me like it will only plaster a band-aid over a larger issue.

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