Im about to ghost on someone..

[266696687]

Is your head in the sand? He has made it extremely clear where they both stand. It is as simple as 2 + 2 = 4 but you are asking me how I could possibly know 2 + 2 = 4 while then wildly speculating that the numbers are 3 + 5 when he already said it was 2 + 2.

 

She asked him why he didn't reply because she didn't get her doormat to stroke her ego. She isn't worried about him leaving. She wants to know why her ego is taking a hit.

 

I just blows my mind that the OP could spell out the situation sol clearly in so many ways and you go off on some completely unfounded theory not backed up by a shred of evidence.

 

He is not dragging this out. Ghosting isn't doing something. It's doing nothing, just as she has done. Do you run up to every person you pass on the street and explain to them that you didn't say "Hi" because you didn't know them? Is it ghosting them by not explaining why you didn't say "Hi"? No, it is doing nothing because that is what the situation calls for, just like the OP's.

 

Frank I don't agree with you but you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I don't believe ghosting is a mature or appropriate way to respond to this situation. They work together. The OP has shown already after engaging with her just yesterday that it isn't possible for him to avoid her 100%. Therefore ghosting is impossible.

 

What unfounded theory are you talking about? I've merely offered the OP a different perspective than your own. Just an opinion and an option on how to deal with the situation based on what he has said.

 

Your statements above are again just another opinion NOT fact and you should respect that not everyone is going to agree with your adivce just as I expect not everyone will agree with mine. Whats clear to you is simply your perspective mine is obviously different.

 

Part of being an adult is accepting that not everyone thinks or sees things the same way you do. The way you would deal with this conflict is different from the way I would. The OP can listen to all the advice and choose how to deal with his situation. He can choose not to listen to all of it if he wants.

 

Your opinion isn't 'right' just because you say it is. It's just another option for the OP. He came here to get a variety of opinions.

Edited February 21, 2016 by 266696687

[candie13]

I

She asked him why he didn't reply because she didn't get her doormat to stroke her ego. She isn't worried about him leaving. She wants to know why her ego is taking a hit.

 

He is not dragging this out. Ghosting isn't doing something. It's doing nothing, just as she has done. Do you run up to every person you pass on the street and explain to them that you didn't say "Hi" because you didn't know them? Is it ghosting them by not explaining why you didn't say "Hi"? No, it is doing nothing because that is what the situation calls for, just like the OP's.

 

I think ghosting works only at the beginning of RS for 2 big reasons:

1. neither one is heavily invested in the other person (also their ego might be)

2. they are complete strangers prob never crossing paths again after the break up

 

To use your example, indeed, one isn't going to explain all strangers why he is not saying hi, for the simple reason that he doesn't know those people. They are strangers. So his behavior is appropriate, in that exact context.

 

To your post, this is why I think the OP is not actually ghosting but using this technique to trigger his partner:

1. he is emotionally invested in his partner

2. he is constant contact with his partner because of his job.

 

To point 2, not saying hi to her would be rude, because they are at least work colleagues. Appropriate measures for a situation that has been correctly identified.

 

In my book, the situation is at it follows:

 

A. they dated for a few years. He is involved, we have no idea about her

B. they both work together

C. her behavior is erratic, making contact inconsistently and making the OP unhappy

D. The OP admits he is unhappy and wants this situation to stop

E. His partner may or may not be aware of his unhappiness, but keeps maintaining a dysfunctional contact pattern (her least involved, him, inlove)

F. he ignores her while she keeps initiating contact, not understand where she did anything different than before

 

Of course, he can continue to not respond, it is his privilege. We need to carefully consider what will happen next:

 

1. she understands he is trying to get away. Her pride makes her want to teach him a lesson. Poses all sad and lonely so that he gives in and contacts her only to be dismissed - she wins, she humiliates him and leaves him

 

2. she stops contact all together saying to everyone in the company what a cruel and insensitive boyfriend he was, that didn't even have the courage to break up - she shows she is strong and doesn't care while badmouthing him

 

3. she contacts him and breaks up with him, making him look like the bad guy and then bragging to everyone how she dumped him, because she doesn't deserve such treatment - she outplays you, looks like a hero and makes you look like the bad character to everyone, because of your poor behavior.

 

OP, always think ahead. If you take your coffee break and break up with her, it'll be swift and clean and none of the options above will happen. Think ahead

Edited February 21, 2016 by candie13

[OK_computer]

She sent me a breadcrumb text today to which I replied the following:

 

"You clearly don't want to be my girlfriend anymore XXXX. I'm not angry. I'm not going to fight with you. I won't annoy you anymore or run after you. What more can you ask from me?"

 

I want to see what she says to that. Either way, this the beginning of the end. I've finally called her out on her behavior. I'm sure I'll be sending a good bye message very soon.

 

Honestly, I do feel relieved--like a weight has been lifted.

Edited February 21, 2016 by OK_computer

[candie13]

Communication over text nourishes misunderstandings. Breaking up over text after 2 years is ... i dunno, OP, your choice.

 

Invite her to have a cup of tea and talk to her. For both your sake.

[OK_computer]

Communication over text nourishes misunderstandings. Breaking up over text after 2 years is ... i dunno, OP, your choice.

 

Invite her to have a cup of tea and talk to her. For both your sake.

 

I haven't had one on one time with her in 3 weeks, all my attempts at doing so have failed. It's either phone or text. But it will start with text as of right now.

[candie13]

Call. If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose being kind. Really. Call.

 

Fears aren't real. Face it. Beat it. Call her now.

[BC1980]

She sent me a breadcrumb text today to which I replied the following:

 

"You clearly don't want to be my girlfriend anymore XXXX. I'm not angry. I'm not going to fight with you. I won't annoy you anymore or run after you. What more can you ask from me?"

 

I want to see what she says to that. Either way, this the beginning of the end. I've finally called her out on her behavior. I'm sure I'll be sending a good bye message very soon.

 

Honestly, I do feel relieved--like a weight has been lifted.

 

That's open ended. She's just going to yank you around again and draw this out. A short message saying it's over is sufficient. Short and to the point. No need to explain why. She already knows and doesn't care.

[BC1980]

I haven't had one on one time with her in 3 weeks, all my attempts at doing so have failed. It's either phone or text. But it will start with text as of right now.

 

So you know she doesn't care. I don't think I would call because she sounds incapable of being an adult and communicating. She's shown you she isn't open to taking. Time to prioritize your need to shut the door and move on. I guess if you want to chase her down on the phone, that's up to you, but it seems unecessary to me.

[candie13]

Saying the words and hearing yourself say those words offers OP closure. Just my opinion. He won't be calling to explain. He would be calling for HIM. It takes 1 minute.

 

Read his last text, he already hanging at her words. Calling would give HIM power, for once. He won't have to wait for her reply, whenever she decided and if she decides to text back.

 

If she doesn't reply, he can leave her a voice message. There's something magical about saying those words. I am leaving you. I am done. Good bye.

[candie13]

I broke up over text once. Biggest mistake ever. The what ifs are still haunting me. I lacked courage, I was petrified. It was terrible.

 

OP, you can only do this once. Do it right otherwise it will torment you for months. Years. If your feelings are genuine, take the plunge.

[BC1980]

Saying the words and hearing yourself say those words offers OP closure. Just my opinion. He won't be calling to explain. He would be calling for HIM. It takes 1 minute.

 

Read his last text, he already hanging at her words. Calling would give HIM power, for once. He won't have to wait for her reply, whenever she decided and if she decides to text back.

 

If she doesn't reply, he can leave her a voice message. There's something magical about saying those words. I am leaving you. I am done. Good bye.

 

The problem is that he can't even send a closed ended text, which should be much easier than talking to her. And he doesn't need to wait for her to text back. I have doubts she will even text back at all. I'm worried that if he confronts her, she will start schmoozing him and acting like nothing has happened. She seems like she's into games and manipulation. If he wants to call her, that's fine. But I don't think it will give him anymore closure. It might be borrowing trouble.

[candie13]

I don't know. Perhaps you are right.

 

If he calls and says "Hi. I'm calling it because it's easier to make my point. I've called to say I am unhappy and I want to break up with you. Thank you. Good bye" should be easier.

 

I see why texting or even email would be easier. as long as he's doing it.

[OK_computer]

UPDATE:

 

She's been texting me breadcrumb texts (before I sent that message). So After I sent that text she messages me back 10 minutes later with THIS:

 

'Answer my questions!'

 

 

Is she CRAZY? I replied "i want to be professional from now on" and logged off what's app.

 

I think she's out of her mind...idk what's wrong with her..but she's making me nuts too now.

[BC1980]

I don't know. Perhaps you are right.

 

If he calls and says "Hi. I'm calling it because it's easier to make my point. I've called to say I am unhappy and I want to break up with you. Thank you. Good bye" should be easier.

 

I see why texting or even email would be easier. as long as he's doing it.

 

Normally, I feel like people deserve the decency of a face to face breakup, but this girl seems into too much disappearing and game playing.

[BC1980]

UPDATE:

 

She's been texting me breadcrumb texts (before I sent that message). So After I sent that text she messages me back 10 minutes later with THIS:

 

'Answer my questions!'

 

 

Is she CRAZY? I replied "i want to be professional from now on" and logged off what's app.

 

I think she's out of her mind...idk what's wrong with her..but she's making me nuts too now.

 

She's just messing around with you because she knows she can. Tell her you are done and do hit want any further contact except what is necessary at work. End of story. Block her.

[266696687]

She's just messing around with you because she knows she can. Tell her you are done and do hit want any further contact except what is necessary at work. End of story. Block her.

 

No it's because he hasn't been clear.

 

He hasnt said this relationship is over. He is dancing around it rather than outright saying it.

 

It's causing further communication problems and more drama. He is inviting further conversation because he is making open ended statements rather than saying I'm done.

 

It's crazy.

 

I think you should do as BC1980 has said above and tell her you want no further contact except at work when necessary.

 

All this dancing around the topic isn't helping matters.

[candie13]

Man up and tell the words. Spell the words, buddy !!!

[266696687]

OP the statements you are making to her really don't make much sense. Be clear and direct. Just tell her it's over.

 

She's clearly on a different page to you so your statements are confusion. Just say it so there are no misunderstandings.

 

 

I'm unhappy and no longer want to be in a relationship with you. This isn't working for me so I think it's best we keep things profession going forward.

 

The end! No drama no further conversations. You are not making yourself clear with what you are saying!

[candie13]

OP the statements you are making to her really don't make much sense. Be clear and direct. Just tell her it's over.

 

She's clearly on a different page to you so your statements are confusion. Just say it so there are no misunderstandings.

 

 

I'm unhappy and no longer want to be in a relationship with you. This isn't working for me so I think it's best we keep things profession going forward.

 

The end! No drama no further conversations. You are not making yourself clear with what you are saying!

I don't think he wants to give her clarity. I think he wants to f*ck a bit with her brains, now that she's on the receiving end of it.

 

OP, at least, if you ghost, really really do it. Full ON. Not one word of response to her questions. Not acknowledging her presence at work. No more texting. No more answering calls or emails. Act as if she's invisible. That's ghosting. Fully and truly NO Contact. Like she suddenly dropped from the face of the Earth. That's how it's really done.

[Simon Phoenix]

Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama. This is why I suggested ghosting -- because this attempt at a "proper" break is just introducing even more bs. She's playing games, he's playing games, everyone is worse off for it. He's now said something -- even if it was poorly executed and ham-handed, now it's time for radio silence. And it's definitely possible to do it at work.

[elaine567]

Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama. This is why I suggested ghosting -- because this attempt at a "proper" break is just introducing even more bs. She's playing games, he's playing games, everyone is worse off for it. He's now said something -- even if it was poorly executed and ham-handed, now it's time for radio silence. And it's definitely possible to do it at work.

 

But according to the OP they are like Mulder and Scully, and have worked together for years and years, a bit difficult I guess to "ghost" in that situation.

This is the worst miscommunication story I have ever heard of.

The OP just doesn't want to end it, else it would all have been done and dusted a minute after the first post, but 4 days later and she still has no clue what on earth he means...

[Simon Phoenix]

But according to the OP they are like Mulder and Scully, and have worked together for years and years, a bit difficult I guess to "ghost" in that situation.

This is the worst miscommunication story I have ever heard of.

The OP just doesn't want to end it, else it would all have been done and dusted a minute after the first post, but 4 days later and she still has no clue what on earth he means...

 

They are only working together for another month. It's completely doable. And she'd have a clue if he just stops all communication. Plus, she doesn't need to have the benefit of having a "clue" after she's been screwing with his head for a while. That's why I'm fine with ghosting here -- it's not like she's been on the up and up.

 

Either way, he needs to pick a lane and stay in it. He's making a mockery of this because he's half-assing everything.

[elaine567]

They are only working together for another month. It's completely doable. And she'd have a clue if he just stops all communication. Plus, she doesn't need to have the benefit of having a "clue" after she's been screwing with his head for a while. That's why I'm fine with ghosting here -- it's not like she's been on the up and up.

 

Either way, he needs to pick a lane and stay in it. He's making a mockery of this because he's half-assing everything.

 

Sorry I wasn't aware of the last month together bit (long thread).

He is only half-assing everything here as he doesn't want the finality of actually breaking up with her.

[Zahara]

but she's making me nuts too now.

 

Be honest. You're afraid to end it.

 

The only one driving you nuts is YOU. If the objective is to end, then end it. You're an adult. A simple text, clarifying where you stand -- you send it and close that door. If that is truly what you want.

 

If you aren't ready to do it, then stop playing games. It's absolutely ridiculous that you're choosing to run around in circles and actually blame her for not getting a clue.

[266696687]

Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama. This is why I suggested ghosting -- because this attempt at a "proper" break is just introducing even more bs. She's playing games, he's playing games, everyone is worse off for it. He's now said something -- even if it was poorly executed and ham-handed, now it's time for radio silence. And it's definitely possible to do it at work.

 

It's causing more drama because he hasn't actually done it. He is half ghosting and half trying to breakup with her. Either way he is still communicating with her at work and by text.

 

His attempts to breakup with her aren't working because he hasn't actually told her the relationship is over.

 

His attempts to ghost her aren't working because he is still talking to her by text and in person.

 

This is down to the OP.

 

The reality is he doesn't want to do either. So is dragging it out as much as possible and I don't think this girl has a clue what is going on (she's on a completely different page to him).

 

This should have been over days ago. It's the OP's lack of commitment to breaking up that is now causing the problem.