autumnamnesiac79 Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Heya, I've been going through a rough-ish patch as of late. I dunno, deep down inside I'm kinda still heartbroken in a way, but I'm glad to know it's over. This isn't necessarily a break up, but I just don't know where else to place this. So around this time last year, I started talking to a amazing person I met at a house-show while shooting pics/video for a friend. We kicked it off pretty good over fb and texts, and decided to hang out and meet a couple of weeks into talking. We met many times and were constantly talking daily, then one day I decided be a little flirtatious and got the talk. The talk was that this person was asexual/aromantic due to a lot of trauma in their childhood. I was ok with this, and was just still getting to know them, but it was still nice to know where the boundaries lied. We kept on hanging out for the rest of the summer and we were constantly talking and making the effort to hang out. But I won't deny that I did develop feelings for her. Feelings that felt pretty good. I would look forward to her messages, hanging out with her was amazing because I felt as if I was with one of the most amazing people I'd ever met. She showed me how amazing transformers could be, and would honestly make me smile every day. Further along the lines, things started to change. The more she opened up to me, the more she let on that there were a lot of issues with her. I remember this one time where she contacted me right after slitting her wrist with a box-cutter, it was just sad to know that she would want to do that (there was a lot of evidence on her wrists that she'd done that before). She let on regarding a lot of physical/emotional abuse that had happen to her, and I dunno. My heart just poured out for her. Deep down, I really loved her and it just suck seeing her in such pain. From October-December we would still talk, but she felt so distant. I would ask her to hang out, but she would always make up an excuse the day of. The best part was when she told me that "she hoped I forget about hanging out." She said that she was going through heavy depression due to her work and stuff, and that it was hard to cope. She would promise that we'd be able to hang out once she started school and worked less. I dunno, I guess I just wanted to bring her the same joy and happiness that she brought me. Forward to the real meat of the story. A couple of weeks ago, I dunno...I just made the effort not to talk to her for a week. She was being real being real distant, and I felt as if I was just bugging her. I just needed some time alone to myself, and to get my head in order (just in general). Comes to be that she blocked me and unfriended me on her facebook without me knowing, I thought she had shut it down. Eventually, we did start talking again. She decided to come clean regarding the past year; she was dating someone from the november before she met me leading up to november of the past year (2014-2015) (the only thing she told me about him was that the guy was from england and that he cheated on her multiple times). They were trying to work it through, but ended up breaking up. In January, she reconnected with an ex from a couple of years ago over skype (who is supposedly living in California) and they were now together. Nothing she said made sense, at all. None of the stories added up. There was no logical way was she described what happened to be true. It felt like a pathological liar rising to the top. There were no details, everything was really vague. She blamed a suicide attempt on me because of how much it hurt her to not be able to tell me the truth. She said that if I were able to look past it, she'd never lie to me again. We had a massive fight, and it just felt as if she was saying stuff to finally get me off her back. Hurtful stuff like she'd hope that by being flaky it would distance me from her. We said some nasty stuff to each other, but afterwards decided to meet up face to face. Meeting up face to face, I just was confronting someone who was so cold and emotionless. I looked like a fool pouring my heart and tears, and all she could do was just smoke another cigarette and tell more lies. But blindly, we both decided to give it a shot just being friends and starting over. We tried, but in reality it was a futile attempt. I would text her and all she would talk about is what new friends she was hanging out with. Everything would revolve around her boyfriend in California, but no details just vague references about being in boot camp. I would try to make the effort to talk, but all i would get was the bored tone in her voice just telling me to **** off. Eventually, I just gave up. There is no point in even being friends with someone who had treated me like that. No point in trying to remain friends when I was just going to be another face in her giant group of ever-growing friends. I was always going to be a burden. I had invited her to go to a movie, but she told me she was broke, but would then proceed about going on about how she hung out with a group of friends the night before downtown. Ugh, the inconstancy and lies. Deep down inside I'm still going through many different emotions. Part of me is happy to finally have cut it off, but part of me still lingers on it. I do believe I fell in love with a person who was never there. Everything just felt like a giant farce. It's only been a couple of days since I decided to cut contact. It just hurts. The massive lies, the heartache. But what really hurts the most is that she tried to blame a suicide attempt on not being able to tell me the truth. I just know I don't deserve to be treated like that, and deserve to be happy. I don't need to subject myself to anguish over someone who cares so little about my feelings and will go out of their way to make me feel insignificant. I know time is a healer, and I've learned a lot through this. It just sucks knowing it was all a massive lie.
Recommended Posts