How do you just throw it all away

[Vincenator]

Partly asking this because I'm curious how the last 18 months we spent together means nothing to my ex gf now, and partly because I think I need to stop thinking about what me and her had together so that I can move on.

 

I still feel like I'm struggling with this breakup because of how many great times me and her had together, and all the plans we had together for the future. I'm still in disbelief that after all we've been through, all the stuff we had planned, etc, my ex-gf could still say that she lost interest in me and the relationship and left me. What makes me feel even more sick is that in the beginning of the relationship, she was always the one to make me promise her that I'll always be there for her, etc. Not to mention she would get jealous when other girls were giving me attention (but not a overly attached/unhealthy kind of jealous). Fast forward a year and a half, and she leaves me and the relationship we had like its nothing lol

 

I know the dumper always checks out before the actual breakup, but I still really felt like our relationship was there for a while before she pulled the trigger. I know it could just be her masking it, but I really felt like our relationship was still there for at least a month before the actual breakup, and I find it unbelievable that she could get over a year and a half relationship in just a month. I only really noticed her getting distant that final month, but I never thought it would have ended up in a breakup, because we never argued or fought and we were a really civil couple. I think I'm just feeling really bitter that I could treat her so amazing, made sure I was there for her, then have a future planned out together for us, then have her say she's no longer interested lol

 

I really think what me and her had was special, especially since this was both our first relationships and we both had never shared a connection like this with other people before. I'm finding it really hard to throw away everything me and her had together, all our memories together and our plans for the future. I remember taking her to Disneyland and that was probably the peak of our relationship lol but now it just haunts me because it reminds me of what we had vs. the emptyness now. If I was told that the great time me and her was having there at Disneyland at the time would haunt me in the future, I would have never believed it.

 

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

[BeFierce]

Perhaps you invested in the relationship more than she did. Stop putting anyone on that pedestal bro, and you will be fine in all of your relationships, because even if in the next relationship the girl leaves, u will not care because u still find happiness in yourself

[Vincenator]

Perhaps you invested in the relationship more than she did. Stop putting anyone on that pedestal bro, and you will be fine in all of your relationships, because even if in the next relationship the girl leaves, u will not care because u still find happiness in yourself

 

I think in the beginning she invested more into the relationship than me, but I eventually started investing more. And what also sucks is that I do know that she has flaws... but I kind of liked that about her if that even makes sense. Like it made her who she was, and during the relationship, I always looked past all of that. I was happy working with her flaws...

[mg4514]

The reason you are having trouble coming to terms with the manner in which she left - is because you are only now finding out she is not who you think she was.

 

All the things she said to you in the past, she meant those things at the time she said them. She no longer feels the same.

 

If you listen to nothing else I say, listen to this: you are trying to apply logic to an illogical event. 2+2 does not equal four in this scenario. You are trying to use your brain to solve a puzzle devised by the heart. She had her reasons for leaving - they will not make sense to you - so don't even try.

 

She does not think you're special, in time you'll find, there is someone who will think you are. It's her loss. Revel and delight in that my man. Take care.

[mightycpa]

Don't think of it as all that time before meant nothing to her. I'm sure it meant a lot. Think of it like a future with you means nothing to her. That's a lot closer to the truth. You had something, it just didn't last.

 

At first glance, I know that sounds brutal. But in time, you'll feel the same way. When you think about it then, you'll see that she just got to the finish line before you did.

[Zapbasket]

I'm going to say something to you in answer to your question that I couldn't have IMAGINED being able to say a year ago. It is this:

 

She can throw it away because to her, it wasn't that special. Just because the relationship was special to YOU, and you felt or saw plenty of indications that she shared that feeling, doesn't mean that it was special enough to HER in the grand scheme of all the things in life pulling for her commitment to justify continuing.

 

It sounds terribly cold and if someone had said this same thing to me when I was in the thick of dealing with my breakup, I'd have responded with a million protests: "But...I KNOW he cared! I KNOW he felt it was special!" Et al.

 

When we commit to something, it's not a one-time thing. We have to choose to commit every day. Some days we don't commit very well, or we resent the commitment we made, but then some magnetic pull--desire, passion, the sense of getting something important out of the thing we've committed to--draws us back in and we choose, yet again, to commit.

 

It's probable that your girlfriend was engaged in your relationship and committed to it until there was no impetus to commit to it anymore. Sometimes people simply outgrow relationships, or they were never really committed in the first place, or they gave the impression of a deep intimacy shared but everything was only superficial on their end. When she broke up with you, she actively CHOSE to walk away because when she looked over the field of things she wanted to commit to, your relationship proved less necessary than those other things.

 

that doesn't in any way say anything negative about YOU as a person or even as a partner. It might just say that she majorly sucks YOU have to have pride in the fact that the relationship was special to YOU, because that means you were open and you loved and those appear to be rarer and rarer personal assets these days in the dating world. You also have to hold your head high knowing that you ARE worth committing to, and you have to believe that some day someone will recognize that. These are hard things to do / believe when your heart lies smashed across the interpersonal interstate.

 

The fact is, people break up because they choose to, because to them the relationship wasn't special enough to keep. It IS insulting, in a way. I mean, screw anyone who doesn't see the value of YOU and want to do everything they can to hold on to the treasure that you are! It's THEIR loss; it's HER loss. Onward and upward for you.

[Satu]

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

 

This is where empathy becomes necessary.

 

From your point of view the relationship was close to perfect.

 

She didn't see it that way. She was dissatisfied.

 

You feel that what you had was special. She didn't.

 

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

 

If you apply some empathy, you'll understand that whatever reasons she had to end the relationship made sense to her, and where valid from her point of view. From her point of view, deciding to leave the relationship was the right thing to do. It felt right to end it. That was what her gut told her to do, so she did it.

 

By leaving you, she did nothing wrong, even though you didn't want her to.

 

If you continue to think that what she did was wrong, impossible to understand, or unkind, you'll never get over this relationship.

 

She did what was right for her.

 

Everyone has the right to walk away from a relationship they don't want to be in.

 

She exercised that right.

 

She's made no moves to restart the relationship, so its obvious that she still feels it was the right thing to do.

 

She didn't do it to hurt you. She did it because she had to, for her own sake.

 

You are not her victim.

 

She is not a bad person.

 

Let her go.

 

 

 

Take care.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You will get lots of advice here. @greencove wrote some very wise stuff.

 

You will be OK.

[louxor]

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

 

You don't throw it away, you learn and grow from it.

 

You take all the good experiences, cherish those memories and be grateful you were able to share those with someone who was important to you.

 

You take all the bad experiences and learn from them. What did I do wrong here? How can I improve there? What will I make sure I avoid next time?

 

Every single relationship in your life, be it romantic or platonic, is about growing and learning. If you adopt the mindset of just throwing it all away once a relationship ends, then there really is no point in even starting any form of relationship. Take everything you experienced during this relationship and use it to grow as a person - You've been able to share all these things with one person already, and you'll be able to do it again with an even better person next.

[CDJ]

Vincenator, reading your post is like looking into a mirror for me - so many similarities (length of relationship, how things started and ended, feelings, etc)! Think we might be able to help each other a lot, so I'll offer my thoughts:

 

Partly asking this because I'm curious how the last 18 months we spent together means nothing to my ex gf now, and partly because I think I need to stop thinking about what me and her had together so that I can move on.

They meant everything to us yet they were able to move on so quickly and erase us from their lives, and replaced us quickly. But given how quickly they seemed to fall for us, is it any surprise? Those who fall in love quickly can fall out of of it just as fast.

 

Thinking about them so positively will hinder our ability to move on because inevitably comparisons will be made with anyone new we meet - the way around this, I feel, is to focus on the good qualities these new people have which our exes didn't, and to think about what was bad about them.

 

I still feel like I'm struggling with this breakup because of how many great times me and her had together, and all the plans we had together for the future.

Perhaps the pain isn't just the loss of that future, but also the past? I know I feel that I can't look back at the good things because everything she said and did at the end undermined it all and to some extent showed much of it to be insincere (and like I never really knew her, which is the worst part). Is that how it is for you?

 

in the beginning of the relationship, she was always the one to make me promise her that I'll always be there for her, etc. Not to mention she would get jealous when other girls were giving me attention (but not a overly attached/unhealthy kind of jealous).

Mine was exactly the same. And moved so quickly with everything, too. I wondered if perhaps it's an act - not in a malicious sense, but rather in that they enjoy the romanticism of being in a supportive, loving relationship and almost like to pretend that is how they feel. They loved the idea of being in love, as opposed to actually being in love. In summary - judge their actions, not their words! It says a lot about someone's state of mind and lack of self-esteem when they can move as quickly as they did, and force you to make such promises - maybe they do it because they know that they themselves will fall short (mine always made a point about honesty, yet it turned out she had a real problem being honest herself)?

 

I know the dumper always checks out before the actual breakup, but I still really felt like our relationship was there for a while before she pulled the trigger. I know it could just be her masking it, but I really felt like our relationship was still there for at least a month before the actual breakup, and I find it unbelievable that she could get over a year and a half relationship in just a month. I only really noticed her getting distant that final month...

Mine was still texting me for two weeks after the break-up saying that she still loved me. She invited me round to deliver her birthday presents and let me walk in when she had some guy in her bed (who she has been with since, and was probably a guy she knew whom I'd asked about when we broke up). The problem you and I are having is that we can't reconcile what they said with what they did. Again, actions speak louder than words. If you noticed her getting distant long before the actual break-up, that's because she was pulling away, regardless of what she might have said or not said. They were spinning plates, I'm afraid - keeping us going whilst they worked out either a) how to end things, and/or b) whether their next guy was a viable and achievable option, and when! Basically, they lacked the guts to end things (fear of being alone, maybe).

 

I really think what me and her had was special

For us, it was. For them, it wasn't. That's the harsh truth.

 

I'm finding it really hard to throw away everything me and her had together, all our memories together and our plans for the future.

You don't need to throw it away because she already has. It's a hard thing to accept, I know.

 

If I was told that the great time me and her was having there at Disneyland at the time would haunt me in the future, I would have never believed it.

I feel the same. It's because we're both still looking backwards, not forwards. It will take time.

 

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

As others have said, take confidence in knowing that you can share that with someone, and therefore will likely do so again (with the benefit of this learning experience).

[Toodaloo]

How can you share your heart and soul with someone for a year and a half, then just throw it all away?

 

I once dated a wonderful guy. I still have many fond memories of him. We lived together for a while. he was intelligent, fun, enthusiastic and worked like no one I had ever known before. He treated me very well...

 

...apart from when he was drunk.

 

I kid you not. This lovely wonderful respectable man turned into a ****ing nightmare. Oh it was all very joval but flashing my tits at my family members while screamed whooo hoooo! is not really good behaviour.

 

Crying shame. Adored the bloke. As did the friends who also eventually said their good byes.

 

So yes. I threw it all away.

 

I thought it had done him good as just after we split he got healthier, stopped drinking so much and got his poop together but he soon sunk back down to the bottle again.

 

You throw it away when you know its not right and you know that in the future it will just turn nasty. You throw it away while its is good so you can maintain the happy memories and the good about them before too much bad happens and the happiness is turned sour.

 

Your girl was not the one for you. You may not see it now but later you will. At least this way you can look back and smile rather than look back and want to cut the womans heart out with a spoon...

[BC1980]

People throw is all away because they are emotionally gone. They aren't invested. They don't love you enough.That is the only explanation I can find. The fact is that if my ex had felt a fraction of my pain, he would not have ended our relationship. So this answer is that he obviously didn't feel enough pain to resume our relationship. I have realized that we have a tendency to project our feelings onto others.

[Raina314]

Going through the same thing. I know the hardest part is looking back to the very beginning when you had so much hope for everything and it felt so good to know they felt the same way.

I don't have any good explanation to offer you. Maybe it was special to her and she just fell out of it, maybe it wasn't and she just liked the idea of love. Either way, its a terrible, terrible feeling and its gonna be hard to get over and you may find yourself just going through the motions of life for a while.

Unfortunately I haven't really found anything that takes the pain away for more than an hour or two, so all I can say is that it's important to not let it get worse. Dont stop going to work or school and doing your best, don't over or under eat, don't lash out at your friends, because these things will make you resent yourself and that's the last thing you need.

I truly do feel for you. Good luck.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Raina314

[kztar]

MAN IM ON THE SAME BOAT. your story sounds is my story but the guy version. NEVER AGAIN TAKING ANY VACATION WITH A SO until im with them for ATLEAST 2 years. All the "good" memories have become my biggest nightmares and they HUNT me every single day. One moth post breakup.

[Vincenator]

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like I'm going through a pretty rough week with thoughts of her constantly popping up. I keep wondering about what she thinks about me, if she hates me, if she even felt bad etc but of course it's not going to help me at all just pondering about all this.

 

I think I'm especially struggling with wanting to go back to what we had before. I think I just really miss what me and her had way back in the beginning, when we were so carefree and didn't have a single worry in the world. Back when we were both such innocent lovers who couldn't imagine being apart from each other... I would do so much just to go back to that time in my life, but now I'm just stuck with a hole in my heart

[Brando]

Thanks for all the replies. I feel like I'm going through a pretty rough week with thoughts of her constantly popping up. I keep wondering about what she thinks about me, if she hates me, if she even felt bad etc but of course it's not going to help me at all just pondering about all this.

 

I think I'm especially struggling with wanting to go back to what we had before. I think I just really miss what me and her had way back in the beginning, when we were so carefree and didn't have a single worry in the world. Back when we were both such innocent lovers who couldn't imagine being apart from each other... I would do so much just to go back to that time in my life, but now I'm just stuck with a hole in my heart

 

 

Ya, it's a process and you will think about her a lot. It will fade and you will move on. One day you will "throw it all away" on someone and think "oh I get it now."

 

Chances are they didn't "throw it away." They emotionally checked out. I'm sure they value the relationship and what it was, but that's over.

 

There will be more and this will hurt, but you will grow and change and have some good memories. In the meantime, just ride the post breakup waves...

[Blackmoon2k4]

Although I can't say I know EXACTLY what you are going through, I can say that I am going through a very similar situation in my life too. It's a tough road, sometimes unbearably so. Lots of questions, confusion and second guessing, it will seem dark sometimes and it can all get a bit too much but keep the faith and believe in yourself. Know that you are not alone and others understand and get where you are coming from.

 

I am only now, after 4 months, realising that my ex was not the right girl for me and that realistically it would never have worked out in the long run. I hope that you can get to that point too. To quote line a from a great movie 'Swingers'

 

- "You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful"

 

All the best!

[genuinegal31]

This is where empathy becomes necessary.

 

From your point of view the relationship was close to perfect.

 

She didn't see it that way. She was dissatisfied.

 

You feel that what you had was special. She didn't.

 

 

 

If you apply some empathy, you'll understand that whatever reasons she had to end the relationship made sense to her, and where valid from her point of view. From her point of view, deciding to leave the relationship was the right thing to do. It felt right to end it. That was what her gut told her to do, so she did it.

 

By leaving you, she did nothing wrong, even though you didn't want her to.

 

If you continue to think that what she did was wrong, impossible to understand, or unkind, you'll never get over this relationship.

 

She did what was right for her.

 

Everyone has the right to walk away from a relationship they don't want to be in.

 

She exercised that right.

 

She's made no moves to restart the relationship, so its obvious that she still feels it was the right thing to do.

 

She didn't do it to hurt you. She did it because she had to, for her own sake.

 

You are not her victim.

 

She is not a bad person.

 

Let her go.

 

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Extremely well said.

 

Just to give some insight as to what the girl was going through and is going through.

 

I am the dumper in this situation.

 

Just a brief synopsis into my relationship background. He was 28, me 35. We were together 5 years. I was the 'giver' (emotionally, financially, intimacy) and he was mostly the 'taker', thus was a unbalanced relationship, pretty much from the start. I loved him so deeply to the point I sacrificed my happiness a lot over those years. I believe that his lack of ability to love fully (intimacy/trust issues) and lack of appreciating he had a very supportive and dedicated girlfriend, pushed me away in the end. He also ended the relationship twice - not once - twice, in those 5 years, leaving me f&^%$ing heartbroken. We were only apart for about a month both times, but he really broke me. I took him back because i adored him and gave him the benefit of the doubt both times because i tried to understand he was only young (in his twenties) and we all feel uncertain at times.

 

Sadly, despite me agreeing to go back to him and the continued efforts of love and commitment my side, he still took me for granted and disrespected my emotional needs and boundaries. I was completely loyal for 5 years then it just took 1 other person to come into my life and show me that mature, respectful and happy relationships can exist. I am not proud I allowed this other person to enter my life emotionally (emotionally that is), but i was desperately unhappy and equally sad that my own boyfriend still, after 5 years, didnt seem to appreciate what he had lost previously and what he still had. He wasn't a d1ck, don't get me wrong, he was fun, affectionate (to a degree) and great company at times, but he lacked the emotional maturity, sensitivity and respect to have a mature relationship.

 

After ending the relationship - which was the hardest f99king thing ive ever done in my life, i **** you not - i soon entered a relationship with the guy i was emotionally invested in. I didn't plan it, I didn't want another relationship, but he made me feel happy and i gave it a shot. I do not see this new relationship as a rebound whatsoever. This guy is older than me and is an absolute gent.

 

Anyhow, I still think of my ex every day, and i still to some degree, feel for him so much (that's because im thinking of the 'good things' we shared, not the crappy times he broke my heart or made me cry so often). It wasn't a healthy relationship and it was a very logical decision in the end. I had to cut the chord (contact) with my ex because I wanted to move on, and i wanted him to move on more importantly, plus, it's not fair on my new partner. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes, and it doesn't mean you don't feel anything for your ex any more, you're doing it to heal the pain and try and be happy again.