I've been doing most of the initiating...say something or let it be?

[katiegrl]

Passive-aggressiveness doesn't always contain hostility. It's about an unspoken want or desire and expecting the person to be a mind-reader. And, I might do what you're saying above if my spoke message wasn't being understood or accepted. I would use that as establishing the new boundary. In other words, she talks to him, he says he'll do that but doesn't. So she goes back to doing it. If he doesn't respond to her spoken request, then she does that to reinforce her position. Talk first, observe and then set the boundary, emphasize, create consequences. He doesn't do his part, she stops doing it herself. That's the consequence. Guys give lip service all the time and then don't do what's been asked, knowing she'll drop it and go back to the old way because there was no consequence. But, don't make them try to guess. Give them a heads up.

 

Okay I get it.... talk to him FIRST before deciding to pull back.

 

If he doesn't step up after our talk....THEN it's okay to pull back?

 

Do I have that right?

 

Wow all this talking stuff is really new to me.... my MO has always been to let my actions speak for me.

 

I am not happy about something, I pull back. He does something that hurts me, I pull back.

 

He gets the message, approaches me about it, and then we talk.

 

And TBH, this approach has always worked quite well for me. But I don't know now... your way may be better.

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[trippi1432]

Why would it be passive-aggressive though?

 

I am not mad at him or punishing him nor do I feel any hostility towards him, which is the essence of passive-aggressive behavior.

 

I'm simply pulling back so as to give HIM an opportunity to step up.

 

I mean, if a woman is doing all the work .... there is nothing compelling or motivating him to do any work.

 

So common sense tells me if I want HIM to do some of the work, then I stop doing all the work.

 

I think what you mean is wanting someone to meet you halfway, that cannot be portrayed in silence in an established relationship....it has to said and understood by both parties. It's a lot more fruitful to get motivation from another party with verbally understood emotional needs met by both parties. If you are doing ALL of the work, it's probably not a good relationship, but silence breeds resentment on both sides. Mars/Venus.

[Redhead14]

Okay I get it.... talk to him FIRST before deciding to pull back.

 

If he doesn't step up after our talk....THEN it's okay to pull back?

 

Do I have that right?

 

Wow all this talking stuff is really new to me.... my MO has always been to let my actions speak for me.

 

I am not happy about something, I pull back. He does something that hurts me, I pull back.

 

He gets the message, approaches me about it, and then we talk.

 

And TBH, this approach has always worked quite well for me. So I don't know.

 

He does something that hurts me, I pull back. -- The OP hasn't been hurt by this guy. You aren't comparing apples to oranges.

 

I am not happy about something, I pull back -- You've been kinda lucky with this one. Try not to take what I'm about to say too harshly -- but that's kind of about pouting But pulling back and not communicating causes you to be stewing and building up resentment, etc.

 

And, again, you just happened to be with a guy that got you, accepted you, etc. That may not work on someone else.

[katiegrl]

I think what you mean is wanting someone to meet you halfway, that cannot be portrayed in silence in an established relationship....it has to said and understood by both parties. It's a lot more fruitful to get motivation from another party with verbally understood emotional needs met by both parties. If you are doing ALL of the work, it's probably not a good relationship, but silence breeds resentment on both sides. Mars/Venus.

 

Thanks Trippi (and Redhead). I am beginning to realize now that even though my way (pulling back when troubled/upset about something and seeking change) always netted positive results .... it wasn't fair to my boyfriends.

 

To make them wonder what was wrong and then approach me about it....and then we'd talk and resolve.

 

I suppose it was a test of sorts....to see if they noticed and actually cared enough to approach me about it!

 

It was actually quite mean of me now that I think about it. And immature.

 

Feeling all sorts of guilt now....especially about my ex.

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[ThisisIt606]

He ended up texted me first tonight.

 

I took that as my opportunity to say, "I was just about to call you, is now a good time?"

 

He called me when he got home. We had a good talk about our days and I asked him for advice about my job search. Briefly talked about my weekend party. He said he had a call at the end of the day ( day my party is on) and wasn't sure how long it would go, but he would be at the party after the call/as soon as he could. I'm a little bummed about that, but am definitely glad I called bc I prob wouldn't have gotten really anxious/inwardly mad if he told me that over text. Just hearing his tone of voice/verbally explaining how he would be late made it better.

 

I think what I was looking for was that more personal connection- something that I was lacking over text and it was making me anxious. I mentioned that the phone call was nice and we should do it more often. He laughed and was like "well I'm glad you made this discovery tonight."

 

Tonight the phone call gave me those real layers that texting doesn't give me. I was interpreting his text as being stiff and not very interested in talking. However over the phone he sounded cheery/laughing. This reassured me (what text didn't give me) that things were good.

 

He also initiated contact tonight which I'm happy about. So while I DO hope he initates some texts (and now calls) more... I'm definitely glad we spoke on the phone and "discovered" this way to communicate instead of text.

[Redhead14]

Thanks Trippi (and Redhead). I am beginning to realize now that even though my way (pulling back when troubled/upset about something and seeking change) always netted positive results .... it wasn't fair to my boyfriends.

 

To make them wonder what was wrong and then approach me about it....and then we'd talk and resolve.

 

I suppose it was a test of sorts....to see if they noticed and actually cared enough to approach me about it!

 

It was actually quite mean of me now that I think about it. And immature.

 

Feeling all sorts of guilt now....especially about my ex.

 

Feeling all sorts of guilt now....especially about my ex - Don't do this to yourself. He "got you", he accepted it and you guys did work those kinds of things out. In your case, the ends justified the means. No need for guilt. It's water under the bridge and given your circumstances, its clear that this kind of thing did not contribute to what went down . . . keep your eye on the ball, you're doing great! You sound strong! Love that!!!!!

[katiegrl]

You sound strong! Love that!!!!!

 

Thanks Red.... but I have my moments, especially recently. I am a good pretender though...the act "as if" approach.

 

Ever heard of that? You act "as if" you are strong and doing great....and pretty soon you start believing it for real!

 

Doesn't always work, but I still try.

 

Anyhoo thanks for your advice and comforting words. Much appreciated!

 

And OP, I am super glad there is a happy ending for you!

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

I don't think her issue is that she wants him to text more often.... her issue is SHE doesn't like being the one always initiating the texting.

 

She would like him to initiate sometimes too.

 

Yes, but that means texting more often because when he doesn't initiate, she texts him, so when does he have the chance to initiate if she is always doing it before he's ready to do it?

[katiegrl]

Yes, but that means texting more often because when he doesn't initiate, she texts him, so when does he have the chance to initiate if she is always doing it before he's ready to do it?

 

Well that's kinda what I have been saying too... but apparently that's the wrong way to approach it (i.e. stop initiating texting him so much so he has a chance to ).

 

The general consensus is she needs to talk to him and tell him how she feels and ask him to initiate more.

 

Anyhoo, this is all water under the bridge now as they talked tonight and it's all good....:bunny:

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Well that's kinda what I have been saying too... but apparently that's the wrong way to approach it (i.e. her stop texting him so much so he has a chance to).

 

She needs to talk to him and tell him how she feels and ask him to initiate more.

 

Anyhoo, this is all water under the bridge now as they talked tonight and it's all good....:bunny:

 

That's the thinking that applies more to an early dating scenario and setting up boundaries and demonstrating preferences, etc. This is an established relationship where that was never addressed before and operating that way for a long time. She's wanting to create a new communication dynamic.

 

And, good for her!! She's setting an example for the relationship and helping to create an environment for healthy mutual communication.

[Satu]

He ended up texted me first tonight.

 

I took that as my opportunity to say, "I was just about to call you, is now a good time?"

 

He called me when he got home. We had a good talk about our days and I asked him for advice about my job search. Briefly talked about my weekend party. He said he had a call at the end of the day ( day my party is on) and wasn't sure how long it would go, but he would be at the party after the call/as soon as he could. I'm a little bummed about that, but am definitely glad I called bc I prob wouldn't have gotten really anxious/inwardly mad if he told me that over text. Just hearing his tone of voice/verbally explaining how he would be late made it better.

 

I think what I was looking for was that more personal connection- something that I was lacking over text and it was making me anxious. I mentioned that the phone call was nice and we should do it more often. He laughed and was like "well I'm glad you made this discovery tonight."

 

Tonight the phone call gave me those real layers that texting doesn't give me. I was interpreting his text as being stiff and not very interested in talking. However over the phone he sounded cheery/laughing. This reassured me (what text didn't give me) that things were good.

 

He also initiated contact tonight which I'm happy about. So while I DO hope he initates some texts (and now calls) more... I'm definitely glad we spoke on the phone and "discovered" this way to communicate instead of text.

 

He sounds like a great guy.

[trippi1432]

He ended up texted me first tonight.

 

I took that as my opportunity to say, "I was just about to call you, is now a good time?"

 

He called me when he got home. We had a good talk about our days and I asked him for advice about my job search. Briefly talked about my weekend party. He said he had a call at the end of the day ( day my party is on) and wasn't sure how long it would go, but he would be at the party after the call/as soon as he could. I'm a little bummed about that, but am definitely glad I called bc I prob wouldn't have gotten really anxious/inwardly mad if he told me that over text. Just hearing his tone of voice/verbally explaining how he would be late made it better.

 

I think what I was looking for was that more personal connection- something that I was lacking over text and it was making me anxious. I mentioned that the phone call was nice and we should do it more often. He laughed and was like "well I'm glad you made this discovery tonight."

 

Tonight the phone call gave me those real layers that texting doesn't give me. I was interpreting his text as being stiff and not very interested in talking. However over the phone he sounded cheery/laughing. This reassured me (what text didn't give me) that things were good.

 

He also initiated contact tonight which I'm happy about. So while I DO hope he initates some texts (and now calls) more... I'm definitely glad we spoke on the phone and "discovered" this way to communicate instead of text.

 

This is good, now you have to create a good balance between the multiple communication lines, the important stuff, phone. The less important stuff and just needing a connection, text. The real stuff, in person and be open and honest.

[clia]

I think you're jumping the gun with your worry about this. If I'm understanding your first post correctly, this has only been an issue for the past week or so, during which time he started a new, stressful job where he's traveling? Sheesh. Relax and let him get adjusted to his new job. This all just sounds so selfish. If you feel you've been texting him too much, then stop. But I wouldn't raise this as an issue to him at this point. (Honestly, I would think my significant other was a little nutty if they complained I wasn't texting enough during a week when I started a new, stressful job.)

[ThisisIt606]

I think you're jumping the gun with your worry about this. If I'm understanding your first post correctly, this has only been an issue for the past week or so, during which time he started a new, stressful job where he's traveling? Sheesh. Relax and let him get adjusted to his new job. This all just sounds so selfish. If you feel you've been texting him too much, then stop. But I wouldn't raise this as an issue to him at this point. (Honestly, I would think my significant other was a little nutty if they complained I wasn't texting enough during a week when I started a new, stressful job.)

 

Yes, that's correct. Traveling last week but not traveling this week. He even mentioned it was going to be a learning curve for him. I'm just not used to his longer hours (sometimes working late/going to bed 1-3am). He said he probably won't be able to go on vacation for 6 months due to the work load. but he tends to be anxious about things/ definitely wants to do a good job.

 

My bf works from home. When he sends 1am emails, his boss answers shortly after. So it seems "expected" and "appreciated" to be a work-aholic.

 

I can understand giving him break early on. But how long before I have an in person discussion about communication/time spent together?

 

We used to see each other 1 time during weekday (with sleepover) and 1 time during weekend (with sleepover). I liked this amount of time together and it was enough for me.

 

I'd be pretty bummed if it turns into just 1 time on the weekend with a sleep over and not during the weekday. If it turns into that, I'd really like him to pick up the phone and call me during the week day (as it's more personalized communication than text, if i can't see him in person)

 

When would be a good time to express that desire? (trying not to jump the guy too much as he gets into his new job)

Edited February 18, 2016 by ThisisIt606

[Redhead14]

Yes, that's correct. Traveling last week but not traveling this week. He even mentioned it was going to be a learning curve for him. I'm just not used to his longer hours (sometimes working late/going to bed 1-3am). He said he probably won't be able to go on vacation for 6 months due to the work load. but he tends to be anxious about things/ definitely wants to do a good job.

 

My bf works from home. When he sends 1am emails, his boss answers shortly after. So it seems "expected" and "appreciated" to be a work-aholic.

 

I can understand giving him break early on. But how long before I have an in person discussion about communication/time spent together?

 

We used to see each other 1 time during weekday (with sleepover) and 1 time during weekend (with sleepover). I liked this amount of time together and it was enough for me.

 

I'd be pretty bummed if it turns into just 1 time on the weekend with a sleep over and not during the weekday. If it turns into that, I'd really like him to pick up the phone and call me during the week day (as it's more personalized communication than text, if i can't see him in person)

 

When would be a good time to express that desire? (trying not to jump the guy too much as he gets into his new job)

 

Don't bring it up soon. You've addressed an important issue here and one that will be very helpful if the time spent together gets reduced. Now, he knows how important the line of communication is to you and is now also dealing with the job. I'm betting, given the fact that he was receptive to the phone calling, etc., he will understand that if you two aren't spending as much time together, he will "get it". I'll bet he will call in between on his own. Just sit back for awhile and observe. If the time reduction becomes difficult for you, it's OK to address it basically in the same manner you did with this situation. This man is "hearing" you. Give him some time to adopt the new communication model, then address time spent a little later IF it becomes a problem for you. Wait to see how things go before projecting out. And, when/if you do find the need to talk about the time spent, try to come to him with a plan of action or suggestions. Don't just dump it in his lap without demonstrating a desire to come to a compromise or work on a solution together.

[feb87]

My bf of 8 months has a new and stressful job. He works long hours and sometimes has to pull all nighters. He travels for it too, so far only a few days at a time, but his schedule is jammed packed and he said he doesn't even have time to explore the city.

 

I feel as though I have been doing most of the texting initiating since this new job. He will respond pretty quickly still, but won't ask a lot of questions. I'm currently searching for a new job, so he will ask questions about that when I give him updates. However if I tell him I'm online shopping for x product he will just say something like "oh that's a good thing to have" and not talk about it more/ keep convo going.

 

He was traveling for work last week and texted when he was in the airport on the way home (we texted some while he was away too). I told him " I know you've been busy with work, but it would be great to see you this weekend"

 

He replied quickly and said "Oh definitely, saturday?" (This was the day before VD) I said it sounded great. He said he would think of something and he honestly hasn't had time to think of anything yet (due to his work trip). I said I was fine with just staying in making dinner/ watching a movie.

 

He volunteered to cook and said it was his "turn to make dinner anyways ;)" as i've cooked for him a couple times recently.

 

Our in person time seems fine. He made a nice home cooked VD dinner (some of my fav dishes) and got me a sweet card and nice piece of jewelry. Both the card and jewelry were very tailored to me. I could tell he put good thought into it/ how was personalized.

 

I got him a nice card and gift too and he said he loved it. Neither one of us mentioned VD beforehand but we both automatically did something for each other, which I was relieved about.

 

Basically in person hang outs= good. As I was leaving he said he should cook for me more and he'd see me later. (I have a party this weekend that I invited him to)

 

However in the days past VDay/mostly since he got this new job (little over a week now). I've been initiating most of the texting. If he does initiate it's along the lines of "I hope you day was better than mine, I was.....(complaints about work/stress)"

 

After writing this out I feel a bit silly asking him to text me more, bc I know he is busy/stressed and he gets VERY focused/ tunnel vision when it comes to work.

 

Is my best strategy just to text him as I normally would (ask how his day went and good night texts) or just to stop texting and see how he reacts?

 

Perhaps I'm misreading this or missing something here, but from the way you present this scenario, it seems to me like he might purposely be distancing himself from you. I don't know the backstory, but if he spent this past Sunday (probably the most romantic day of the year) with you, then maybe I'm wrong.

From what you've written, I think you only spent Saturday together, which is nice, but that's not exactly Valentine's Day, especially not if you guys aren't in a long distance relationship. Was he traveling that weekend? It was a long weekend for a lot of people so it should have been easy to see you the 14th. Why are you not more worried about that and less worried about his initiating?

 

Is there chemistry outside of the 'sleepovers'? Have you told each other you love each other? Does he seem as into you as you are into him?

 

But a guy who works from home shouldn't be *less* available upon starting a new job... esp. not if he works from home. Seems fishy to me... if he can deal with fewer 'sleepovers,' and doesn't mind just hanging out with you without that added bonus, maybe he's sending you a hint. That, like the no longer texting, is passive aggressive, but sometimes people don't know another way out.

 

Do not stop texting him, but do give him the time to breathe. If his job is as stressful as you make it out to be, I doubt he wants to spend his working hours worrying about you on top of work.

 

Maybe he doesn't care about you initiating and doesn't want to initiate because he's hoping it'll fade away. That's a possiility, a real one to consider as your relationship exits the February-14th-no-breakup-zone time-frame. It's okay if your hangouts are good, but maybe this guy is just meant to be a good friend of yours. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

 

From reading just the last few threads you've started, I see a lot of doubt surrounding this guy and very little certainty. (Also, at one point you said you don't care about VDay and then in this thread you said you were relieved that he got you something...kind of contradictory. Stop making excuses for him.)

 

Just something to consider because he seems like a nice guy, but that's all. He seems like a nice guy that is in a relationship he didn't expect to be in, that lasted longer than he thought would last, with someone who's much more into him than he is into her. If this weren't true, you wouldn't be making up excuses for his behavior...