Seeking Perspectives!

[ajdx]

First post here. I'd appreciate any advice you all have to offer.

 

Basically, I date online. I get messaged a lot, especially for a guy. Thing is, there have been some girls who were once very enthusiastic about dating me, yet they disappeared after the first date. Or they ghosted after I sent them more pics of myself before ever meeting them.

 

As a result, it seems like girls become less attracted to me either after they meet me or after they see other pics of me. But its not like the pics I've uploaded hide anything. The only minor difference is that I have a bit of acne, but its literally nothing (or so I think).

 

Anyway, as a result I've become very bitter as of late. I've had this feeling of women liking me only when they think I'm really attractive (as I said, I get messaged very frequently). So, I basically just ignore every message I receive. For the last few months I've ignored over 400+ messages (yes, really). I'm so bitter as of late that I take lots of satisfaction in rejecting and ignoring every girl who messages me.

 

Normally I'd think maybe my personality needs a change, but I'm not that gullible. I have tons of friends from both genders and I've always been praised for my humor. I party a lot, I mingle with strangers, and I make friends everywhere I can.

 

Therefore, I'm convinced that my looks are getting me rejected as of late. I had much more success when I actually went out a lot and socialized, but my new job has demanded all of my time as of late.

 

Some perspective would be nice. Any insight would be appreciated. Feel free to ask if there's anything you don't understand!

 

EDIT: I guess my question would be: what do I do about my bitterness? I realize what I'm doing is unhealthy and also reeks of insecurity.

Edited February 16, 2016 by ajdx

[Redhead14]

First post here. I'd appreciate any advice you all have to offer.

 

Basically, I date online. I get messaged a lot, especially for a guy. Thing is, there have been some girls who were once very enthusiastic about dating me, yet they disappeared after the first date. Or they ghosted after I sent them more pics of myself before ever meeting them.

 

As a result, it seems like girls become less attracted to me either after they meet me or after they see other pics of me. But its not like the pics I've uploaded hide anything. The only minor difference is that I have a bit of acne, but its literally nothing (or so I think).

 

Anyway, as a result I've become very bitter as of late. I've had this feeling of women liking me only when they think I'm really attractive (as I said, I get messaged very frequently). So, I basically just ignore every message I receive. For the last few months I've ignored over 400+ messages (yes, really). I'm so bitter as of late that I take lots of satisfaction in rejecting and ignoring every girl who messages me.

 

Normally I'd think maybe my personality needs a change, but I'm not that gullible. I have tons of friends from both genders and I've always been praised for my humor. I party a lot, I mingle with strangers, and I make friends everywhere I can.

 

Therefore, I'm convinced that my looks are getting me rejected as of late. I had much more success when I actually went out a lot and socialized, but my new job has demanded all of my time as of late.

 

Some perspective would be nice. Any insight would be appreciated. Feel free to ask if there's anything you don't understand!

 

EDIT: I guess my question would be: what do I do about my bitterness? I realize what I'm doing is unhealthy and also reeks of insecurity.

 

I take lots of satisfaction in rejecting and ignoring every girl who messages me. -- What you are actually doing here is the "I'll reject them before they reject me" thing. It is actually a sign of a growing social anxiety condition. If you're rejecting 400 woman, you are clearly spending more time on the computer instead of being "out there". The more you do this, the more withdrawn you will get.

 

Bitterness is actually a coping mechanism being employed to keep you in your "comfort zone" and protecting yourself from being exposed to possible real or perceived rejection. It's also about feeling powerless and therefore, retreating.

 

Therefore, I'm convinced that my looks are getting me rejected as of late. I had much more success when I actually went out a lot and socialized, -- I won't comment on this statement here. If you'd like to talk about this, feel free to IM me. Some of the things you've said contradict one another and are, let's say, indicate a skewed thinking process.

 

I will say this, insecurity comes out in subtle ways and it is picked up on a sensory level by potential dating partners. They may not be able to put their finger on it, but it can put them off. That being said, if you read these boards, there are a ton of people posting about being ghosted on or not hearing from a dating partner again after just the first date, second even third date. The reality is that, that's just dating nowadays. I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel alone or singled out.

 

I seriously recommend getting off the dating sites all together. It is very unhealthy given what you're saying here.

[Maggie4]

You need to have enough experience with meeting people in real life, before you try online dating. With real life experience, you know your level of attractiveness, you have a reference point. If you have that, you go into OLD already matured and not depending on online results to gauge your attractiveness.

You should know how to fly visual before you try to fly instrument.

[bluefeather]

If you'd like to talk about this, feel free to IM me.

 

His post count is 1.

 

You need to have enough experience with meeting people in real life, before you try online dating.

 

I have tons of friends from both genders and I've always been praised for my humor. I party a lot, I mingle with strangers, and I make friends everywhere I can.

 

 

 

Hmm... trying to be unbitter.. interesting. And noble! Realizing and admitting the issue is a very good start, I believe. I would first congratulate you on getting so much attention as a guy. I read so many stories about men experiencing lack of success in getting attention from women. Well I would guess that something in your profile (description or pics) is drawing them in, and then something that you send out is pushing them away. I think you already figured that out too, but I would try to go a little further to find out exactly what it was that was attracting them and then try to tap into that to express more of it. If it's the pic, then is it an old pic? Maybe you look different now and can try to brush up on your appearance. If it's your attitude, try different approaches. Heck, with 400 messages, you can't say you don't have chances to experiment!

[ajdx]

I realize my point contradicts itself, but I'll explain. I actually never had an issue with being rejected before in person. Why? Because at least I was rejected immediately. With online, I had some girls initiate at first and then lose interest completely after meeting me. It feels like I'm a completely different person: enticing at first, then discarded after a few moments. Its a weird feeling for me. At least when I was rejected in person it all made immediate sense, y'know?

 

All my relationships and hookups have come from meeting people in real life. I've unfortunately been relegated to very long work hours and thus have much less opportunity to go out now. As a result, online is all I have (for now). Thank you for your replies so far, it feels good to chat (and let this out). My friends, unfortunately, do not care to listen to my **** because they all feel I'm very attractive and have "had my share of success", so they don't believe me when I say I'm having a bad time with dating.

 

EDIT: I guess its not the rejection so much that annoys me, more that I'm an option at first but then discarded the moment I cannot offer one of the things being sought. Funny enough its not nearly as bad being rejected out-right by a person, at least you know they just didn't like you anyway. I know this sounds crazy but I hope it makes sense!

Edited February 17, 2016 by ajdx

[Toodaloo]

ajdx

 

I get this. Everyone who does OLD gets this.

 

Thing is when you meet in real life you spend time with the real person and actually sometimes (most of the time) you are not going to click.

 

People think its all about looks. You are living proof that its not.

 

Just keep going and instead of being bitter accept that those girls are just not for you and there are plenty out there who may be...

[amaysngrace]

I think all your long hours of work are stressing you out and it's making you miserable so you're throwing a vibe.

[elaine567]

I think all your long hours of work are stressing you out and it's making you miserable so you're throwing a vibe.

 

...add in a touch of bitterness, insecurity and a feeling it will probably not work out and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.