rajm Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hello, I am 29 yrs old and I am in a year and half old relationship with this 27 yr old girl and it is pretty serious. So much so that I was thinking of proposing for marriage soon. It is my first relationship ever. It is her 4th serious relationship. Recently, she opened up to me about thoughts coming in her head about how she does not trust herself to hurt me. On further probing I found that she had cheated(made out not had sex) in all of the past three relationships she had and she was unsure if she would do the same with me and in the process hurt me. I was first mad at her for not disclosing this to me earlier but I asked her if she knew what causes her to give in to that? She said she did not know why. All the relationships were apparently happy, so is ours. So she terms it as may be the possibility of being self destructive as to why she did those things. I told her it is imperative she finds those answers and we are on a 10 day break at the moment where she is traveling for work so we wont see each other and she wanted time to think about our relationship. Question I have is should I trust her not to do this again or should I let this go as she clearly is messed up about this? I love her but fidelity is extremely important to me. If she does this at anytime in our relationship, it will be over then. Is it wiser to end it now than end it later with more baggage if it happens? My biggest fear is that she is unsure and not that I was doubting her. Any comment is appreciated. Raj 1
preraph Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Well, it simply isn't time to be thinking of furthering the commitment. Just give her time. She may have some intimacy problems and get scared when she gets too close. She talked to you about it, so unless you got a vibe like "If I do it, I can't help it," like as if that lets her off the hook or is an excuse, I would just be patient. But if you feel she's like an alcoholic that says she can't help what she does when drinking but won't stop drinking, then I wouldn't give her my whole heart. You might ask her if she wants to try to make it work. If she says yes and seems sincere, you might ask her if she'll go into therapy to work on why she's been cheating. 1
Satu Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 The past can repeat itself, but that doesn't mean that it will. She's being open and honest with yound and that's a very good thing. The past doesn't shape the future. The present shapes the future. Enjoy it. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hello, I am 29 yrs old and I am in a year and half old relationship with this 27 yr old girl and it is pretty serious. So much so that I was thinking of proposing for marriage soon. It is my first relationship ever. It is her 4th serious relationship. Recently, she opened up to me about thoughts coming in her head about how she does not trust herself to hurt me. On further probing I found that she had cheated(made out not had sex) in all of the past three relationships she had and she was unsure if she would do the same with me and in the process hurt me. I was first mad at her for not disclosing this to me earlier but I asked her if she knew what causes her to give in to that? She said she did not know why. All the relationships were apparently happy, so is ours. So she terms it as may be the possibility of being self destructive as to why she did those things. I told her it is imperative she finds those answers and we are on a 10 day break at the moment where she is traveling for work so we wont see each other and she wanted time to think about our relationship. Question I have is should I trust her not to do this again or should I let this go as she clearly is messed up about this? I love her but fidelity is extremely important to me. If she does this at anytime in our relationship, it will be over then. Is it wiser to end it now than end it later with more baggage if it happens? My biggest fear is that she is unsure and not that I was doubting her. Any comment is appreciated. Raj is it wise to pre empt and end things on something that might happen....no..... but she needs to recognise why she made those mistakes in the past and take responsibility for them or she is destined to repeat history.......deb 1
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 You need more insight into why she did this. Boredom? Immaturity leading to an inability to break up with someone? Unless she understands why she did what she did, it's more likely to happen again. Those who fail to learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat the past. 3
Satu Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 is it wise to pre empt and end things on something that might happen....no..... but *she needs to recognise why she made those mistakes in the past and take responsibility for them or she is destined to repeat history.......deb *Very true. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." —C. G. Jung 2
mikeylo Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 She could be lying so that you break up with her !
central Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 I think she does need to figure out why she cheated in the past. Until she does, the same issues may occur again. Counseling may be worth the time for her. And if you continue this relationship, I strongly suggest you do not make any decisions about marriage for at least another year, and carefully watch for any signs that she may already be cheating. Just because she told you about the past, does not mean she hasn't already cheated on you in the present.
Recommended Posts