burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 There are accounts of people who fit into the following category; let's call this typical character Joe. Joe cheated (EA/PA) on his SO but never got caught. After a while he stopped the affair and put it all behind him because of genuine guilt, realizing he is newly awakened about how lucky he is to have his SO. He never confesses to her, but he is remorseful and repentant for how he sinned. He is thankful for not losing it all. He becomes more committed to his SO, giving all he can to make up for his wrongdoing. He hates himself for what he did, and this self-loathing makes him a better and more committed partner. He is forever grateful for being given a second chance. I am just wondering, if the following thought ever crosses his mind and if so, how he'd react. IF the whole truth came out, his SO would leave him. In other words, his SO only says she loves him based on the 'cleaned' up version of himself that he presents to her. So who does she love? Joe or the person Joe is masquerading to be? I guess I'm really wondering for how long someone can feel content being loved for his lies. Does he not feel lonely that the person closest to him doesn't really know him fully? What kind of a love is that when he is not loved for who he really is and he has to hide himself for the rest of his life from the parson he is most intimate with? Isn't it a lonely thought to spend an entire lifetime with someone, building years of memory, but always knowing she'd toss him out ONLY if she knew his true secrets... I guess the mind can convince itself of anything it chooses.
mikeylo Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 There are accounts of people who fit into the following category; let's call this typical character Joe. Joe cheated (EA/PA) on his SO but never got caught. After a while he stopped the affair and put it all behind him because of genuine guilt, realizing he is newly awakened about how lucky he is to have his SO. He never confesses to her, but he is remorseful and repentant for how he sinned. He is thankful for not losing it all. He becomes more committed to his SO, giving all he can to make up for his wrongdoing. He hates himself for what he did, and this self-loathing makes him a better and more committed partner. He is forever grateful for being given a second chance. I am just wondering, if the following thought ever crosses his mind and if so, how he'd react. IF the whole truth came out, his SO would leave him. In other words, his SO only says she loves him based on the 'cleaned' up version of himself that he presents to her. So who does she love? Joe or the person Joe is masquerading to be? I guess I'm really wondering for how long someone can feel content being loved for his lies. Does he not feel lonely that the person closest to him doesn't really know him fully? What kind of a love is that when he is not loved for who he really is and he has to hide himself for the rest of his life from the parson he is most intimate with? Isn't it a lonely thought to spend an entire lifetime with someone, building years of memory, but always knowing she'd toss him out ONLY if she knew his true secrets... I guess the mind can convince itself of anything it chooses. In theory its a very nice situation but I've yet to come across one person like this in reality. Human mind is not this simple.If it was, there wouldnt be a proffession for shrinks. What you have written is a disneyland / wishful thinking and real life is opposite.
Author burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 In theory its a very nice situation but I've yet to come across one person like this in reality. Human mind is not this simple.If it was, there wouldnt be a proffession for shrinks. What you have written is a disneyland / wishful thinking and real life is opposite. Please elaborate. So what happens in real life?
candie13 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 no wishing and hoping can make facts go away. If Joe has a spine, he will come clean to his partner asap, provide all of the information and let the chips fall where they may. Anything else other than that makes him not only a cheater, but also a manipulator, Joe makes himself guilty of deliberate deceit and of wasting her partner's time and emotions. A liar. No one's perfect. Not Joe, not his partner. There is no other way. She needs to know because he took that risk when he cheated. There is also the risk of her finding out in the most ridiculous way, by accident. I think him coming clean might secure one chance of forgiveness, if he truly is sorry. Studies show that marriages resist cheating - but the key to that is honest communication. Plus, there are so many options today, couples therapy etc. I cannot guarantee that his spouse or partner will forgive him, if he comes clean. But I can give much higher chances of her leaving him if she finds out years later from someone else about her partner's cheating. Best of luck
soleilesquire Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Honestly I think the only way Joe could REALLY pull this off is if he allowed a part of his conscience and character to just be permanently seared. Kind of like how someone gets a hard callous over part of a hand or finger. Thing is....no one can really tackle this except Joe. Someone else taking on Joe's responsibility won't fix Joe. Shaming Joe into a corner won't fix Joe. Even getting caught wouldn't necessarily fix Joe. The only thing that would REALLY fix Joe (IF fixing is actually the goal) is for JOE to look at himself in the mirror voluntarily, take responsibility, and choose to be honest.
mikeylo Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 You will know the answer when you start living in real life and not some up fairy tale.The consequences of choices made by a cheater and subsequently being thrown at the partner are everywhere.You just need to see around.
Author burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 Candie Thank you for your response. This is not about a real person Joe. I was describing a scenario that happens a lot. I'm just asking/wondering how THESE people (and there are many) manage continue to live with that self-delusion. My question really is how people manage to survive hiding secrets inside themselves like that.
Author burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 You will know the answer when you start living in real life and not some up fairy tale.The consequences of choices made by a cheater and subsequently being thrown at the partner are everywhere.You just need to see around. There are posters in this very site, who fit the description I'm giving here. I'm asking how they manage their real life by hiding the truth inside them.
Timshel Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 There are accounts of people who fit into the following category; let's call this typical character Joe. Joe cheated (EA/PA) on his SO but never got caught. After a while he stopped the affair and put it all behind him because of genuine guilt, realizing he is newly awakened about how lucky he is to have his SO. He never confesses to her, but he is remorseful and repentant for how he sinned. He is thankful for not losing it all. He becomes more committed to his SO, giving all he can to make up for his wrongdoing. He hates himself for what he did, and this self-loathing makes him a better and more committed partner. He is forever grateful for being given a second chance. I am just wondering, if the following thought ever crosses his mind and if so, how he'd react. IF the whole truth came out, his SO would leave him. In other words, his SO only says she loves him based on the 'cleaned' up version of himself that he presents to her. So who does she love? Joe or the person Joe is masquerading to be? I guess I'm really wondering for how long someone can feel content being loved for his lies. Does he not feel lonely that the person closest to him doesn't really know him fully? What kind of a love is that when he is not loved for who he really is and he has to hide himself for the rest of his life from the parson he is most intimate with? Isn't it a lonely thought to spend an entire lifetime with someone, building years of memory, but always knowing she'd toss him out ONLY if she knew his true secrets... I guess the mind can convince itself of anything it chooses. I suppose burnt that he may be convinced that the person he was when he cheated is not who he really is. The loving and devoted partner is who he is and the person who cheated was an anomaly/slip/learning lesson/mistake. What do you think? 1
Author burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 I suppose burnt that he may be convinced that the person he was when he cheated is not who he really is. The loving and devoted partner is who he is and the person who cheated was an anomaly/slip/learning lesson/mistake. What do you think? Right on point. I agree. I didn't think about that!
mikeylo Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 There are posters in this very site, who fit the description I'm giving here. I'm asking how they manage their real life by hiding the truth inside them. The irony here is that this time they are cheating themselves ! It will catch up soon.
Timshel Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Considering this even more deeply, I wonder if the contract of marriage would preclude any major life experiences? Meaning....does a married person have the 'right' to have a learning lesson of this degree without their partners knowledge? Or, are there still some experiences that are acceptable to remain private as long as ultimately they are not disruptive to the overall success of the marriage? 1
RecentChange Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hum... a few thoughts from my perspective.... I cheated. It had basically ended. I thought for sure I would take it to my grave, and instead use the lessons learned to recommit to my relationship. I wasn't sure if he would dump me if he ever found out, but certainly considered it a possibility. I was not consumed by guilt, or felt like I had a huge thing to hide, for the most part, I was considering it a piece of history. So, for a while I was in the phase you describe. Trying to work on my relationship, without my partner having full knowledge. I didn't think he was in love with a "mask" or one version of me. I am me. Having cheated or not, I am the same person. And well, the affair ended up - un-ended. He came around again, I couldn't resist. I got sloppy about things and got caught. And my partner didn't end things. Rather wanted to work it out (as did I). Yes, he now knows I had secrets, but I am still the same person. Flaws and all. Would things have been worse if I really did end the affair the first time? If he never found out? Or is it better that he did find out, and we are both working together to improve our relationship? I am not sure. I can't say I don't have any regrets, because I do. But I am also glad that all the truth is out so that we can work towards a resolution. 1
Author burnt Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 I am not sure. I can't say I don't have any regrets, because I do. But I am also glad that all the truth is out so that we can work towards a resolution. Right there... That's the biggest point. For many who cheat almost act at times in a way that suggest that they want to get caught. I have read stories here where the cheater leaves 'evidence' out for the SO to find out, just so that they don't have to deal with the secrecy anymore. It's not just the guilt that tortures them, but the secrecy also. For those, with a D-day, are at least saved from pain of secrecy and in a way are granted a way to ASK for forgiveness out loud and confess, and that to me sounds like a necessary step in healing. Hence my post--how do the ones who never get to confess, never get to admit they did wrong ever heal properly? It almost sounds like after the initial sense of relief wears out, it must feel like a self-imposed sentence in an isolation chamber for a tiny part of the mind.
gonnadropthemic Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hence my post--how do the ones who never get to confess, never get to admit they did wrong ever heal properly? It almost sounds like after the initial sense of relief wears out, it must feel like a self-imposed sentence in an isolation chamber for a tiny part of the mind. I often wonder this and believe that some men or women, don't confess bc they like what they are doing. I think that cheating and lying and getting away with it is like a high for them. I wonder this about my husband... bc the way he acts- he's either really narcissistic, has no feelings whatsoever, or gets off on getting away with lying to me or others. I do think my husband has feelings and feels guilt at times... but not all the time. So i think a lot of men/women are this same way.... maybe perhaps.. enjoy the lie a bit? 1
preraph Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I would say yes it is lonely knowing you're not loved for who you are IF love is what you really want. With cheaters, that seems to not be the main attraction, however. Many seem willing to trade the love of a good man or woman for the validation and variety of varied sex partners. 1
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Honestly I think the only way Joe could REALLY pull this off is if he allowed a part of his conscience and character to just be permanently seared. Kind of like how someone gets a hard callous over part of a hand or finger. I like this. We all have parts of our lives that we aren't that proud of or happy with, but we do not continually mull over them. There comes a time when we seal them off and never really think of them again. I think that may happen with some people over undiscovered cheating events. The raw emotion part is covered by thick layer of skin, which protects it and only under severe pressure or exposure is pain or sensation then felt. I guess Joe, will have put the undiscovered cheating event, under a thick layer of skin and never again thinks of it. He may perhaps be remorseful, guilty and grateful but not necessarily. I feel the remorseful, guilty and grateful part may be wishful thinking on the part of some BSs and not reality.
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