lucy_in_disguise Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hi all, I am running into an issue that is turning into a dealbreaker in my relationship and trying to figure out the best way to handle. I am 29/f, dating a guy who is 25 for the last ~1.5 years. It's a very happy relationship generally - we are great friends, the sex is great, etc. What has become a problem for me is that I don't feel like he views it that seriously. He has yet to tell me he loves me. (I havent said it either- having been the one to push for exclusivity I wanted ILU to be something he said first.). Sometimes he will talk about moving away - alone - making me wonder where that leaves me. We have never talked about marriage or moving in. I have a hard time broaching these topics - its like my years of dating immature guys have conditioned me to avoid anything that may "scare them away" so I am not sure if the issue is communication or that he is totally non-committal here. But I want to get married in a few years and have kids and I am starting to feel like this is a waste of my time. Is there a way to confirm this in a non-accusatory way? Or is the writng on the wall and we should just break up?
Redhead14 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Hi all, I am running into an issue that is turning into a dealbreaker in my relationship and trying to figure out the best way to handle. I am 29/f, dating a guy who is 25 for the last ~1.5 years. It's a very happy relationship generally - we are great friends, the sex is great, etc. What has become a problem for me is that I don't feel like he views it that seriously. He has yet to tell me he loves me. (I havent said it either- having been the one to push for exclusivity I wanted ILU to be something he said first.). Sometimes he will talk about moving away - alone - making me wonder where that leaves me. We have never talked about marriage or moving in. I have a hard time broaching these topics - its like my years of dating immature guys have conditioned me to avoid anything that may "scare them away" so I am not sure if the issue is communication or that he is totally non-committal here. But I want to get married in a few years and have kids and I am starting to feel like this is a waste of my time. Is there a way to confirm this in a non-accusatory way? Or is the writng on the wall and we should just break up? Asking questions/communicating doesn't "scare them away". They don't change their answer/view/stance because you asked a question. The answer is what the answer is. And, sometimes people in a relationship are asleep at the wheel. Just going through the motions without focus. You need to ask questions/communicate when something is bothering you or something seems off. Simply open a casual, non-confrontational conversation and make a statement about what you want for yourself and your future and then let him tell you what he wants. "I've been enjoying the time we've spent over the last year and a half. I want a long-term committed relationship and hoping to have a family by X time. I love you and see a future with you. What do you want for yourself?" 2
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 You might scare them away if you got all serious very quickly in a relationship. Like if you talked about marriage on the 2nd date, most guys would be running for the hills, lol. But after 1.5 years, it makes sense to ensure you have common goals, similar feelings, and your lives are heading in the same direction. If he gets "scared away" then obviously he was not feeling the same as you anyway. 4
Larryville Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 “Sometimes he will talk about moving away - alone - making me wonder where that leaves me. We have never talked about marriage or moving in.” Being blunt you are not in his long term plans. Also I have said this often, I ask my women friends who are dating guys who sound like you do and I ask one simple question: Does he kiss you? Not taking about pecks, hello and goodbye, or maybe an obligatory kiss during sex, does dude kiss you, all the time, everywhere, anytime, anywhere, out of the blue and how often does he simply look at you? Any relationship where kissing is not prominent (regardless of how great the sex is) is no real relationship. Kissing is personal, and far more intimate than sex… Other considerations: He associates saying 'I love you' with new expectations they are not ready to fulfill. Expectations are one of the most deadly threats to relationships because they replace open communication with unspoken presumptions. Many men associate saying I love you with new expectations they are NOT ready to fulfill. Also he doesn't feel like he can live up to his definition of what saying 'I love you' means. Everyone associates different things with being in love. Your man may associate saying I love you with actions he’s not ready to take, or other conditions he’s not yet experiencing. The most obvious, he is genuinely NOT in love with you. It is possible for a man to share virtually every aspect of his life with you without being in love with you. Sometimes as much as he cares about you, he just not in love with you. While the truth may hurt, it’s important to discern whether he’s closed off to loving you or simply a late bloomer in the falling in love department and frankly some men will never get there because of how he saw love (or did not see) love growing up. One huge aspect of dating people totally space out is your significant others family upbringing and social role models growing up. Bottom line, you have to find out what saying those words mean to him. 1
Httm Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 There should have been a I love yous after a few months... This doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Be honest and say it yourself. The time to scare someone away is in the first few months. If they are scared now, then they really just aren't at all into the relationship.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Thanks everyone for the feedback. I agree I have been sitting on this too long. I am having a hard time figuring out the right words to say in this situation. I feel pathetic that I have to ask him if he loves me and terrified that he'll probably say no. I have been very laid-back in this relationship due to the age difference. I wanted to make sue thst any future plans were of his making. He has failed to take any initiative though and obvserving others his age, I dont think 25 is necessarily too young to know what you want and make plans. Even if it were, I am tired of making excuses for him in hopes that he comes around. Edited February 16, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise
Redhead14 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Thanks everyone for the feedback. I agree I have been sitting on this too long. I am having a hard time figuring out the right words to say in this situation. I feel pathetic that I have to ask him if he loves me and terrified that he'll probably say no. terrified that he'll probably say no -- Well, if you don't communicate, you could be stringing yourself along for a long time while always wondering. "Fear does not control me, I face it so as to control it". 1
smackie9 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Sounds like you are still following your pattern of dating immature guys....... 1
jen1447 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 If I was dating a guy who discussed his plans for a solo life w/me I'd give him back exactly what that shows he's giving you - part time, temporary attention. Not to punish him, just bc there's no point in over-investing w/someone like that. You sound like you're bscly convenience friends who hook up. If you invest more than he does you'll always be disappointed and feel somewhat cheated, just bc of the inequity. It'd be like being an equal partner w/someone in business where you fronted 75% of the startup money and put in 75% of the effort but split the profits. 1
candie13 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Listen to jen... Sorry girl, he almost spelled it out for you. You're not it. Sucks... 1
Zahara Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Sometimes he will talk about moving away - alone - making me wonder where that leaves me. I think this says it all. 1
kendahke Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Sometimes he will talk about moving away - alone - making me wonder where that leaves me. That leaves you not a part of those plans if there is no "we" in that talk. When he does that, you need to tell him "I don't hear 'we' in there. Is that intentional?" We have never talked about marriage or moving in. I think that if you want to know the answer to this, you need to have that talk. He may be hoping he doesn't have to spell it out to you--but he does. A year and a half is more than enough time for a man his age to know if he wants a life with you. I have a hard time broaching these topics - its like my years of dating immature guys have conditioned me to avoid anything that may "scare them away" so I am not sure if the issue is communication or that he is totally non-committal here. Unfortunately, you've gotten involved with yet another immature guy who can't have an adult conversation with you about his future where it involves you. And if he runs for the hills behind a question, then he needs to go. This really isn't a hard conversation to have if you're on the same page. But I want to get married in a few years and have kids and I am starting to feel like this is a waste of my time. Is there a way to confirm this in a non-accusatory way? Or is the writng on the wall and we should just break up? I think you need to hear him declare his intention so you're going to have to summon up the courage to stand sentry to your value/worth, boundaries and esteem. It's not fair to you for him to string you along like this and it's not fair to you for YOU to hide your head in the sand because you're afraid to hear information that is pertinent to your future happiness. Going by what little you've shared here, he doesn't sound like he's even in the same book, let alone same page/chapter on the marriage/family tip.
Miss Peach Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I think the no ILYs and solo plans are not a good sign but you can always start that conversation. I would just be prepared that getting married and kids are probably not what are on his mind. I was in a similar situation once. I knew he wasn't into me enough to satisfy me. He would move in with me but no ILYs, future plans, etc. So I told him that what we had wasn't working for me and what I wanted. He actually tried to talk me into giving him another chance but nothing changed. I to He just wanted to keep passing more and more time. A few months later I broke up with him for good.
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