Woon Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Hello all! Incredibly sorry for the bleak thread title, wasnt quite sure how else to put it. As per usual, i'll keep it short-ish. Been friends with this girl (27) for 4months, pretty much together every single weekend and talking daily. Says she loves me and i mean and care more about her than her own family, which is true, as im helping her emotionally and unfortunately financially, through a rough time. She wants to get a place together once shes back on her feet...(which i dont want, since im not gonna live with a girl im not dating) Issue is that she is incredibly insecure yet puts up a confidant mask permanently. She needs validation from every guy she meets/knows. Yesterday it all came to a point when she posted a pic of her and a guy who has been flirting with her for a while now on fb(shes out of town to sort out some bank stuff and see her psychiatrist.) and i called her out on it. Saying im unhappy about it. She called me unreasonable and in her next breath said she doesnt want to fight or lose me now, as im the only support she knows. Bringing up how hard the last 2 months had been for her and how shes been contemplating suicide again.(she has tried once, a year before i met her) My problem is complicated. I care about this girl alot. But i dont know how much i can try "fixing" her for much longer. All the photos and chats with other guys are bringing out the jealousy and insecurity in me which i absolutely hate. Yet if i leave i dont know what will become of her.. Edit: The reason why this is in the dating section is that i really do want to date this girl. The jealousy and insecurity comes from the fact that i do so much for her and make her so happy when we're together, yet it doesnt seem to be enough for her. Why else would she still flirt and need the validation and attention from other men? Edited February 16, 2016 by Woon
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 She's not a well person, and you cannot fix her. Stop financially supporting her. Stop being the Fallback Guy. She may be unstable but she is also taking advantage of your kindness. This girl needs to get better, independently of you. Unless and until she does that, a healthy relationship won't be possible. You need to detach from her for your own well-being. She is making it clear she's still interested in other men, while you sit there coughing up money and a security blanket. This is already developing into a toxic, codependent situation and it won't end well for you if you don't take a big step back. Stop enabling her. If you have serious concerns that she will hurt herself, call emergency services in your area. They are trained to deal with these crisis situations.
ASG Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 She wants to get a place together once shes back on her feet...(which i dont want, since im not gonna live with a girl im not dating) and i called her out on it. Saying im unhappy about it. She called me unreasonable and in her next breath said she doesnt want to fight or lose me now, as im the only support she knows. I don't understand. By your own words, you are NOT dating her. What's it to you if she posts a photo with a guy she's been flirting with??? Caring about someone does not make them your property. So what's your reasoning, here? Where do you get off making ultimatums to this girl due to jealousy, when you're not even dating????
joseb Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 You are not dating her, so it's none of your business what she does with any of these guys.
smudge21 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Sorry but it sounds like she's got you wrapped round her little finger and she knows exactly how to play you. Okay she has issues (don't we all) but it doesn't seem to stop her living her life and seeing other men does it? Yet those super serious issues suddenly flare up the moment you have a go at her or look like you're about to walk away. I wonder if any of those other guys get the same lines? You need to leave this one as you are enabling her to treat you like this. You're basically doing this to yourself, she's just happy to take what you give. As others have said, you're not dating her so she can do whatever the hell she wants, yet you are running around after her hoping that if you do so, eventually she'll be yours. Sorry but it won't happen. Relationships are built on a number of things, and one of them is respect. No one can respect someone who kisses their ass. 1
Author Woon Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 Sorry but it sounds like she's got you wrapped round her little finger and she knows exactly how to play you. Okay she has issues (don't we all) but it doesn't seem to stop her living her life and seeing other men does it? Yet those super serious issues suddenly flare up the moment you have a go at her or look like you're about to walk away. I wonder if any of those other guys get the same lines? You need to leave this one as you are enabling her to treat you like this. You're basically doing this to yourself, she's just happy to take what you give. As others have said, you're not dating her so she can do whatever the hell she wants, yet you are running around after her hoping that if you do so, eventually she'll be yours. Sorry but it won't happen. Relationships are built on a number of things, and one of them is respect. No one can respect someone who kisses their ass. Thank you. Ive been thinking this for the longest time. Nice to hear someone else also state it
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 This may seem harsh but the best advice I can give is don't date fixer-uppers. It's one thing to support a partner when they have issues or go through rough times, but it's another thing entirely to embark into a dating situation with your eyes open, with someone who you know full well has major issues. That relationship with be a total nightmare, I guarantee you. If you want to remain her friend then go ahead - although this "friendship" seems terribly one-sided to me. It seems like you're doing the "unspoken social contract" thing, meaning you're investing help, support and finances, hoping that one day you'll be repaid with romantic affection. Generally, those social contracts backfire. You will "fix" her, she will be eternally grateful to you, and you'll be first on her list of wedding invites when she meets a fantastic new guy.
joseb Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 you are running around after her hoping that if you do so, eventually she'll be yours. Sorry but it won't happen. Relationships are built on a number of things, and one of them is respect. No one can respect someone who kisses their ass. This is exactly right. You are wasting your time (and money). When someone gets something for nothing, they don't value it.
Jabron1 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 This is a good example of what I like to call a 'value leech'. She has leeched onto you and is sucking you dry, whilst offering you as little value as she feels is necessary to keep you in her orbit. Soon enough, a guy will come along that offers her nothing but a good time, and she'll have sex with him on the first date. You'll be thinking 'but I've done all this stuff for her! Can't she see how good we would be together?". Women categorize men. You have been categorized as the guy she uses when she's in trouble - not as the guy she goes to for fun. And, It's near impossible to change a woman's perception of you. At this point, you'd have more of a chance with her if you'd just met for the first time on the street. This is why I advise that men don't 'wait' around, or don't 'help' a woman out before sex. You screwed up by thinking that playing the nice guy would get her into bed, and it's backfired on you. You need to cut her off immediately. Do not let this woman mug you off any longer. Put it down as learning a valuable lesson. I'm in a situation that's a bit like yours. Except that I get to see her every couple of weeks for a hook-up, whilst she has a bunch of other guys (like you) that she uses whilst leading on. And even I have to be careful, because she tests me to see what she can get away with. I've heard her speak about the guys she leads on; she views them with disdain. This is how women treat weak men. Don't think that helping this woman financially is earning you any respect... I call my situation 'Enemies with benefits'. 'Friends' is the label she uses, but that is completely disingenuous. I'm not sure she has any friends; I've never seen her with any female friends. I would call your situation 'Enemies without benefits'. All things become clear by asking one simple question: 'what's in it for me?'. In my case it's a good night out and great sex. In your case it's... uh... well... Wise up; dump her pronto.
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