Notice something strange and its making me very suspicious

[towch]

Phones:

My phone practically lays around anywhere i see fit, i can leave it in the toilet, kitchen or in my work space. anywhere is free game really (I live in a studio apartment). My girlfriend asks for my phone a lot (to take pictures but i believe during that period she takes the liberty to go through it).

 

It got so irritating to the point once i refused to give it to her and asked her to used her phone. Why am i saying all this? i'm saying it because she said something that stuck to me, she said "I've noticed that you have been hiding your phone"....I confronted her about that statement because when you pit both of us she is the one that hides her. She takes her phone everywhere and even sleeps with it while mine is in the open and all you have to do is reach for it.

 

Fast forward tonight:

We are both watching an OJ documentary we are under the blanket on the couch and her phone is on the blanket. She says she needs to take a shower. im watching the show and i see her at the side of my eye slowly make made the phone fall in and then started acting like she was stretching but what she was doing was actually sticking the phone somewhere. She gets up and heads to the bathroom.

 

So i'm suspicious now and I take the trash out so i can use the opportunity to look into the bathroom window at which point i sport the phone at the window not being used which made me double suspicious.

 

I don't go through her phone. I can understand if she was using the phone and then takes it to the bathroom. but the phone wasn't being used, she took the time to sneakily pocket the phone and ends up not using it.

 

Now she is out of the bathroom and just plug in her phone and leaves it in plain sight while she steps out for a smoke. This makes me feel that if my suspicions are right, she took the time to delete whatever she needed to delete and now leaves it in plain sight like she has nothing to hide.

 

I don't know if i am just overthinking things, but i am not the suspicious or jealous type.

 

 

What do you guys think?

[hippychick3]

I would be suspicious now too only because she seems to be projecting.

 

Guilty people are more likely to throw out false accusations.

 

I would be very annoyed that someone was asking to use my phone and then snooping.

[darkbloom]

Taking her phone everywhere is a red flag. Doubly so going to the bathroom wih a flimsy excuse to hide whatever she doesn't want you to see.

 

She also sounds like she's projecting her fear onto you to keep you from looking too close at her. I would try to investigate a little further to get some proof before you confront her. She's going to deny it and it will cause a huge fight unless you have proof.

[Gaeta]

When you're together why do you carry your phones around?

 

It doesn't mean she has something to hide like another guy. Sometimes women like to talk about their relationship with their female friends and it's not something we want you to see. We get annoyed, we send a text to our friend then we forget all about it.

 

So why don't you just make a rule no phones when you're together. Put both phones on their charger and forget about them.

[FadedSign52]

I think people should have the right to have private conversations without a partner snooping. But if she feels like she can look at your phone then you should be able to as well. Trust your gut on this one.

 

Ask her why she did that and see how she reacts.

[preraph]

I also think people should have the right to private conversations. But if there has been cheating, at that point, the cheater needs to be an open book IF they ever want trust again.

 

One thing guys need to understand and accept is girls will talk about them to their little friends and say stuff the guys wouldn't approve of, stuff they consider private. And sometimes it does go too far. But you know, like with my friends, she may hear from some guy we both knew 40 years ago and if a man saw that on my phone and didn't move on after the explanation, I'd move on from him.

[towch]

When you're together why do you carry your phones around?

 

It doesn't mean she has something to hide like another guy. Sometimes women like to talk about their relationship with their female friends and it's not something we want you to see. We get annoyed, we send a text to our friend then we forget all about it.

 

So why don't you just make a rule no phones when you're together. Put both phones on their charger and forget about them.

 

I agree with you but my problem is not so much her using her phone, its how she sneaked the phone into her pocket then walking to the bathroom.

[towch]

There has been a lot of double standard/being oblivious. I am pretty cool but i'm reaching my limit.

I always have to either act like i'm doing the same thing or do the (if i were in your shoes thing) for her to understand.

 

1. I have this long female friend i used to talk to, nothing serious she just goes of the handle where i message "yo" on Facebook and she starts sending me paragraphs about how Hilary is a bad presidential candidate. My gf in her nosy fashion wanted to know what we talk about, i let her read and then she pushed to message her (basically what she was doing was making leading questions to see if the girl was interested in some form with me)..that did not work.

 

Now this girl is pretty random she can send messages anytime of the day (i'm not obligated to answer them). my gf insist i tell her to not message me a late hours, i do it just to avoid headache.

 

Now tell me how this girl i call my gf can sit on my couch and have conversations with guys and even at late and when i bring up the double standard she says well they are my friends from church and they have girlfriends (well so those my friend).

 

2. She is OK with with going out with guys anywhere anytime and when i ask her how that is cool she says because she feels i would be cool with it (which i am not). and when i ask her how she would feel about it if i did the same she says (just because i am not OK with something doesn't mean you don't have to).

 

3.She has been talking to this guy on Words with friends which has now moved to whats-app. She tells me patchily about him and how he is her pen pal. he lives in the UK and is in a LDR with a girl in VA, USA. conveniently close to us in MD, USA. If i were to do this i will not her the end of it.

 

I just feel like i give her too much leeway

[towch]

I think people should have the right to have private conversations without a partner snooping. But if she feels like she can look at your phone then you should be able to as well. Trust your gut on this one.

 

Ask her why she did that and see how she reacts.

 

But the thing is that she snoops, she wants to know:

1. Who just texted me

2. Who called

3. what the convo was about

4. who this girl in my instagram is and do we still communication

She needs to know the autobiography of every girl in my life.

 

While she enjoys absolution privacy;

1. i dont ask her who that guy is

2. i dont ask her why is not answering the phone

3. I dont ask her who texted

 

NOTHING

[towch]

QUESTION:

Should act like her and see how she receives it?

[Gaeta]

Both of you put your phones away, period.

 

No confrontations, not discussions, no arguing, just make a new rule, when you're together you put your phones away, end of story. You can chat with your friends, she can chat with her friends when you're not together. That will avoid all of this drama.

 

Accusing her of having double standards is not going to solve the matter, it will just throw fuel on the flames.

[Gaeta]

QUESTION:

Should act like her and see how she receives it?

 

You don't succeed at relationship by 'acting like the other'. You succeed in relationship by compromising and removing the problem.

[towch]

Okay, i will just stay true to myself.

[CC12]

QUESTION:

Should act like her and see how she receives it?

 

No. You should communicate your feelings honestly and clearly. You don't seem to be very good with that, to be honest. Why do you allow things to happen "just to avoid a headache"? Why do you not tell her that you're not comfortable with her going out with other guys at any time?

 

You do this thing where you say, "Well how is that fair?" or "How would you feel if I were doing the same thing?" That doesn't work because she simply explains why she feels it's okay. And then I assume you mostly drop it after that instead of ever making your point.

 

I could say that she's manipulative and doesn't seem to pay much attention to your feelings, but I can't really fault her that much for it if you haven't clearly communicated with her. She could be totally oblivious.

 

But if you have sat her down and told her in plain language that you are uncomfortable with any of the things she does and she's done nothing to change them, then I would say that she's manipulative and indifferent to your feelings.

 

And I would say that apart from any communication issues, she definitely seems controlling.

[towch]

No. You should communicate your feelings honestly and clearly. You don't seem to be very good with that, to be honest. Why do you allow things to happen "just to avoid a headache"? Why do you not tell her that you're not comfortable with her going out with other guys at any time?

 

You do this thing where you say, "Well how is that fair?" or "How would you feel if I were doing the same thing?" That doesn't work because she simply explains why she feels it's okay. And then I assume you mostly drop it after that instead of ever making your point.

 

I could say that she's manipulative and doesn't seem to pay much attention to your feelings, but I can't really fault her that much for it if you haven't clearly communicated with her. She could be totally oblivious.

 

But if you have sat her down and told her in plain language that you are uncomfortable with any of the things she does and she's done nothing to change them, then I would say that she's manipulative and indifferent to your feelings.

 

And I would say that apart from any communication issues, she definitely seems controlling.

 

Oh but i do communicate, the thing is she never tells me until after the fact. Its not like a know and let her....hell no. She will be like "oh i saw a movie with so and so". then i ask why she would do that. She responds, "because i didn't think you would have a problem with it". This is where i can to come in and reverse the roll and then she would be like "ahhh i see now, i wouldn't like that either".

 

I don't enjoy it, it's just that she nevers gets it till she is put in the situation which annoys me.

 

I have communicated with her and pressed the issue of double standard but its like to goes in one her and out another. I mean will you fault me for taking her at her word?

 

Perhaps i might be a little too nice, i will sit her down and have this talk one last time because at this point is plain disrespectful.

[katinlc]

Phones / social media can really cause problems in relationships. I don't like the sneakiness you are seeing.

 

 

My husband and I both have access to each other's phone. We will easily pick up each other's phone and use it to get on the Internet or whatever and both have the code for the phone. If I see he has a text come through I'll say - hey xx just texted you. I know how phones can cause problems and I was upfront that I always wanted to be open about our phones and always feel that we can use the other. I've had more than one friend that was cheated on by their husband and it was caught by a text coming through...I'm not having the insecurities of that and I never want my husband to have that either.

 

 

The only time that our phones were secret was 1) when we were getting married because I had various pictures of my wedding dress on my phone so he knew he wasn't allowed to look at my pictures and 2) at Christmas because of present buying. I always had to look and make sure the Internet wasn't on a potential site that was a present.

 

 

Now, I don't expect someone I'm dating to have access to my phone until it was a serious relationship. I'm not sure where you are at that level, but bottom line I would be open about phones - don't let them become a problem in a relationship.