mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I'm 21. Ive really only had one immature relationship. She's 18. Met her online, finally met up after a month. We've met up 4 or 5 times. Mostly revolving around the beach, and outdoors. Not until yesterday(v-day) we got physical, not sex. Probably a bad idea because of all the romantic pressure in the air and around us. We spent the day at the park, watching the sunrise, walking the beach, fishing.....cuddling and kissing in the back of my truck. I regret that. Now I've lead her on. She obviously likes me more than I like her. Usually if I like or crush on a person I would have a literal "gut" feeling about her. I don't have this with her. I don't think I ever did. I kissed to confirm that I don't. The cuddling was ok, not great, but I love cuddling so it's not a true indicator. Now me being inexperienced, I don't know if that feeling ever developed over time. The relationship I've had developed over several months of being friends. So I don't know anything else. For the past meet ups she'd been lying to her parents about what she's doing and where she's going. I was very uneasy about that. Of course she's done it with past relationships, guys, friends, etc. Her experience also bothers me. But at this age, it's hard to get picky. I've already told her what I was feeling(everything above) and said she was a great friend. Pretty cliche. So do those initial feelings develop over time or no?
AMJ Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 You must enjoy her company or otherwise why would you continue to talk to her and see her five times? And why did you want to spend the entire day with her, if you don't have feelings for her? It shouldn't be hard at all at your age to be picky- you have your entire life ahead of you, and all the women your age are available- no? I'm a little confused about what your question is. If romantic feelings develop over time, yes. You've been seeing her for awhile though, so it shouldn't take longer than you've already been seeing her. It sounds like you are interested in her, but also scared about things getting serious. 1
Author mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 You must enjoy her company or otherwise why would you continue to talk to her and see her five times? And why did you want to spend the entire day with her, if you don't have feelings for her? It shouldn't be hard at all at your age to be picky- you have your entire life ahead of you, and all the women your age are available- no? I'm a little confused about what your question is. If romantic feelings develop over time, yes. You've been seeing her for awhile though, so it shouldn't take longer than you've already been seeing her. It sounds like you are interested in her, but also scared about things getting serious. I do enjoy her company. She's fun. We have the same interests in hobbies. Physically attractive in my taste. The secrecy of her life between her and her parents bothers me. Her experience with other guys makes me uncomfortable, but I'm willing to get over that over time. Basically my question is, shouldn't I have a gut feeling I should like her by now? I've very superficially crushed/liked other people, but it wasn't more than that and I've felt more for them than I do for this girl. I admit, I think I am a scared of a commitment. It's been a while since I've been a relationship. I don't date, mostly because I have a difficult time liking people. Probably my insecurity of being inexperienced. But I'm trying to pursue this girl, but I think I'm not so into it.
AMJ Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I think if you're weren't that into it, you wouldn't be trying to pursue her. It's really just that simple. Her secrecy with her parents...she's 18, of course she's not telling them every little detail about her life. That's not strange to me.
Author mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 I think if you're weren't that into it, you wouldn't be trying to pursue her. It's really just that simple. Her secrecy with her parents...she's 18, of course she's not telling them every little detail about her life. That's not strange to me. I'm just trying to develop those feelings by pursuing her. But it's not happening. I do genuinely want to hang out with her. But, I could also hang out with a regular friend. My life has been rather boring lately. I guess I'm using her to spice things up. I'm working on being more spontaneous. The secrecy is understandable. But just worries me about her getting in trouble and basing our relationship on a lie if it ever actually progresses.
Raina314 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Your problem sounds very similar to how my ex described his feelings when he broke up with me, except he lost feelings after a year instead of not having that "gut feeling" at the beginning. You may have some commit-o-phobia, but also, it's the beginning of the relationship. If this were a year or two in already and you were feeling that said gut feeling was lagging, I'd say it was likely due mostly to commitment issues. But even if you do have commitment issues, that shouldn't stop you from feeling excited in the very beginning. If you're not excited and don't have that affectionate, love-y feeling when you first start, it's not too likely that you'll develop it continuing down this path. Maybe if you continued to be friends with this girl over the next few years it could turn into more, but it doesn't seem like something you want right now and that's okay. Sometimes you're not into someone even when you feel like you "should" be. I would tell her it's best if you guys don't take it any further for now. Edited February 16, 2016 by Raina314
Author mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Your problem sounds very similar to how my ex described his feelings when he broke up with me, except he lost feelings after a year instead of not having that "gut feeling" at the beginning. You may have some commit-o-phobia, but also, it's the beginning of the relationship. If this were a year or two in already and you were feeling that said gut feeling was lagging, I'd say it was likely due mostly to commitment issues. But even if you do have commitment issues, that shouldn't stop you from feeling excited in the very beginning. If you're not excited and don't have that affectionate, love-y feeling when you first start, it's not too likely that you'll develop it continuing down this path. Maybe if you continued to be friends with this girl over the next few years it could turn into more, but it doesn't seem like something you want right now and that's okay. Sometimes you're not into someone even when you feel like you "should" be. I would tell her it's best if you guys don't take it any further for now. I think I've always had a case of commit-o-phobia. It's a problem for me socially. I feel like if I don't like a girl seriously, it's pointless in pursing it romantically. I'm trying to be more social and spontaneous now because of that. In this case, I guess I'm pursueing it in hopes it'll turn emotionally romantic. In my opinion, passion is more important than dedication. I don't have the passion. Edited February 16, 2016 by mlcj69
ptlouie11 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) I just recently had a mutual breakup with a 23-yo guy who was the same way as you, OP. We met online and he'd invite me out on date about once a week or once every other week. He took a while to open up and initiate physical contacts. After 4 months, we still haven't moved past second base so I felt something was weird. I kept asking myself why he doesn't push for more and why he hasn't made things official. At the same time, if he didn't like me, why did he keep going out with me for months. So I decided to have a convo with him in the car when he dropped me off on our last date. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel that he's very into me and he sticks around hoping the feeling would develop into more. After 4 months, he's still not sure why it's not there. It could be the lack of physical contact or the lack of time spent together, or both. It could also be that he's just not ready for commitment, especially with me. Either way, I was getting more emotionally invested and I was (and still am) way more into him than he was into me so we ended things. I still don't know if I made the right decision for letting that one go because I did like him a lot Bottom line, give it a few more dates but please don't lead the girl on. It'll just end up hurting her in the long run. Edited February 16, 2016 by ptlouie11
Author mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 I just recently had a mutual breakup with a 23-yo guy who was the same way as you, OP. We met online and he'd invite me out on date about once a week or once every other week. He took a while to open up and initiate physical contacts. After 4 months, we still haven't moved past second base so I felt something was weird. I kept asking myself why he doesn't push for more and why he hasn't made things official. At the same time, if he didn't like me, why did he keep going out with me for months. So I decided to have a convo with him in the car when he dropped me off on our last date. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel that he's very into me and he sticks around hoping the feeling would develop into more. After 4 months, he's still not sure why it's not there. It could be the lack of physical contact or the lack of time spent together, or both. It could also be that he's just not ready for commitment, especially with me. Either way, I was getting more emotionally invested and I was (and still am) way more into him than he was into me so we ended things. I still don't know if I made the right decision for letting that one go because I did like him a lot Bottom line, give it a few more dates but please don't lead the girl on. It'll just end up hurting her in the long run. Don't think you're the problem in your case. It's hard to accept. On my side of our similar situation, is more just a lack of "chemistry" I guess they call it. He just came out with it later on. She mentioned it's still early on. But I figured things should be a little more lovey dovey by now.
ptlouie11 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Don't think you're the problem in your case. It's hard to accept. On my side of our similar situation, is more just a lack of "chemistry" I guess they call it. He just came out with it later on. She mentioned it's still early on. But I figured things should be a little more lovey dovey by now. I agree with the last part you said. At the beginning, you should be feeling excited about seeing her and talking to her. That feeling wasn't there with the last guy I dated. He has a busy life, but he had no interest in making me a priority and trying to see me more than once a week. He only made plans when it was convenient for him. I'd take notes of your feelings about this girl. Do you want to see her and talk to her when she's not around? You sound like a decent guy for worrying about leading her on. Oh, when that guy broke up with me, he said he'd still like to be my friend. Haven't taken him up on that offer yet because I still need to get over him. He just ended things with me right before V day so I'm still bitter lol.
Author mlcj69 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) I agree with the last part you said. At the beginning, you should be feeling excited about seeing her and talking to her. That feeling wasn't there with the last guy I dated. He has a busy life, but he had no interest in making me a priority and trying to see me more than once a week. He only made plans when it was convenient for him. I'd take notes of your feelings about this girl. Do you want to see her and talk to her when she's not around? You sound like a decent guy for worrying about leading her on. Oh, when that guy broke up with me, he said he'd still like to be my friend. Haven't taken him up on that offer yet because I still need to get over him. He just ended things with me right before V day so I'm still bitter lol. I get excited to see her. But not an romantic way. More of a "yay I'm actually getting out of the house and doing something I don't usually do" way. I guess I've unintentionally friendzoned her. Or expecting things too soon. Edited February 16, 2016 by mlcj69
ptlouie11 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I get excited to see her. But not an romantic way. More of a "yay I'm actually getting out of the house and doing something I don't usually do" way. I guess I've unintentionally friendzoned her. OP, you now sound exactly like the guy I dated. All I can say is it's a good thing you're honest with her. If she's willing to be patient with you and letting feeling develop naturally, then just keep seeing her. If you ever sense that you are both not on the same page (ie. she starts initiating dates, texting/calling you more than you are comfortable with), then it's time to part way. My only hesitation with that is if you guys start having sex, then you might be hooked to her for lust instead of love. Also, have a timeline of how long you're willing to keep going. If by 2-month mark and you still feel this way, I'd say end things with her so you can save some heartaches.
Raina314 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I just recently had a mutual breakup with a 23-yo guy who was the same way as you, OP. We met online and he'd invite me out on date about once a week or once every other week. He took a while to open up and initiate physical contacts. After 4 months, we still haven't moved past second base so I felt something was weird. I kept asking myself why he doesn't push for more and why he hasn't made things official. At the same time, if he didn't like me, why did he keep going out with me for months. So I decided to have a convo with him in the car when he dropped me off on our last date. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel that he's very into me and he sticks around hoping the feeling would develop into more. After 4 months, he's still not sure why it's not there. It could be the lack of physical contact or the lack of time spent together, or both. It could also be that he's just not ready for commitment, especially with me. Either way, I was getting more emotionally invested and I was (and still am) way more into him than he was into me so we ended things. I still don't know if I made the right decision for letting that one go because I did like him a lot Bottom line, give it a few more dates but please don't lead the girl on. It'll just end up hurting her in the long run. Man, that sounds just like my situation. My guy was also 23 and said he expected to "love me by now" but just didn't and he only made time for me about once a week when it was convenient for him. Then he said he didn't feel emotionally committed and still wanted to be friends. It's really hard to hear and I hope you're doing okay. But I agree, it's best not to lead someone on in these cases. Causes way more pain in the long run.
joseb Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 It just sounds like you are not really attracted to her, and you are only seeing her because you are bored - is that about right? Don't keep leading on someone you are not that into.
ptlouie11 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Man, that sounds just like my situation. My guy was also 23 and said he expected to "love me by now" but just didn't and he only made time for me about once a week when it was convenient for him. Then he said he didn't feel emotionally committed and still wanted to be friends. It's really hard to hear and I hope you're doing okay. But I agree, it's best not to lead someone on in these cases. Causes way more pain in the long run. Coming from a girl's perspective, I had the gut feeling that he wasn't all that into me the whole time but I kept seeing him hoping the feeling would evolve into more. After 4 months, if it's not there, It's unlikely to grow into more so it's better to end it to avoid heartache. Question is, should you ever stay friend with that person or completely remove him/her from your life? Cuz the guy said to me he still wants to be friends but I know it'd be too hard for me.
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