E-mail from ex on Valentine's Day

February 15, 2016

Back story: My ex and I have been together "on and off" for 5 years. 2 1/2 years as a couple, 2 1/2 years as what you might call friends with benefits. We originally broke up because I found out that she had been writing letters to an incarcerated man whom she met through a "prison pen pals" web site. One day she left them out where she knew I would find them. They were pretty graphic and made my stomach turn.

We didn't talk for about 3 months. I blocked her number. Then I started to hear from some of my favorite watering hole's bartenders that my ex was coming in when she thought I would be there. She would look around, have one drink and then leave. One day she walked in while I was there. We talked and ended up going back to her place and had sex.

We started seeing each other again. I suggested therapy and she agreed. So about 5 sessions into therapy, I call her one night and invite her out to dinner. She gave me an excuse, I don't remember what it was, but it sounded shady. I knew who she had been dating during the 3 months we didn't talk. I drove by the hotel where he lived and sure enough the ex's car was in the parking lot.

So that was break number 2. A couple months go by and she reaches out again. Same story, we end up having sex and remembering how awesome our physical chemistry is and we decide to date again. I know, bad idea.

Things go well for about 6 months. We even went on a vacation together. Then she pulls the old "I need space line." Turns out she met a new guy. She dates him for maybe a month and he dumps her.

Can you guess what happened next? My dumb ass takes her back.

So we date again for almost a year this time. About a month ago, she pulls out the old "I need space" line again. She tells me I'm not changing and she doesn't see a future for us.

I've had a hard time with the NC thing. I can't go more than a couple days without texting. Most of them she doesn't answer but yesterday I got a "Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you" e-mail at 3:00.

What should I do? I know this woman is toxic and if I take her back she will leave again. But why does she communicate with me if she doesn't want to be with me?

Cut her out totally and permanently this time?

February 15, 2016

Hey man, you have to let this go, it's not healthy. Been there, done that but you're only hurting yourself. Please know your self worth and if she needs space one time , no problem you give it to her but this is a cycle. Are you willing to put up with this the rest of your life? Think about that. Sometimes we have to be adults and take time to ourselves to really realize what is BEST for us.

Good luck buddy!

February 15, 2016

Back story: My ex and I have been together "on and off" for 5 years. 2 1/2 years as a couple, 2 1/2 years as what you might call friends with benefits. We originally broke up because I found out that she had been writing letters to an incarcerated man whom she met through a "prison pen pals" web site. One day she left them out where she knew I would find them. They were pretty graphic and made my stomach turn.

We didn't talk for about 3 months. I blocked her number. Then I started to hear from some of my favorite watering hole's bartenders that my ex was coming in when she thought I would be there. She would look around, have one drink and then leave. One day she walked in while I was there. We talked and ended up going back to her place and had sex.

We started seeing each other again. I suggested therapy and she agreed. So about 5 sessions into therapy, I call her one night and invite her out to dinner. She gave me an excuse, I don't remember what it was, but it sounded shady. I knew who she had been dating during the 3 months we didn't talk. I drove by the hotel where he lived and sure enough the ex's car was in the parking lot.

So that was break number 2. A couple months go by and she reaches out again. Same story, we end up having sex and remembering how awesome our physical chemistry is and we decide to date again. I know, bad idea.

Things go well for about 6 months. We even went on a vacation together. Then she pulls the old "I need space line." Turns out she met a new guy. She dates him for maybe a month and he dumps her.

Can you guess what happened next? My dumb ass takes her back.
So we date again for almost a year this time. About a month ago, she pulls out the old "I need space" line again. She tells me I'm not changing and she doesn't see a future for us.

I've had a hard time with the NC thing. I can't go more than a couple days without texting. Most of them she doesn't answer but yesterday I got a "Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you" e-mail at 3:00.

What should I do? I know this woman is toxic and if I take her back she will leave again. But why does she communicate with me if she doesn't want to be with me?

Cut her out totally and permanently this time?

Generally when it comes to relationships, going completely against what works for you is NOT healthy.

You know that relationship backwards and forwards. She isn't a "you are my man" kind of woman. She's more of a "you are one of many of my men" kind of woman.

So is it your dumb ass taking her back, or you just feeling lonely etc.?

You say you don't understand why she texts you if she doesn't want to be with you. Maybe she does, for a little bit. But she clearly likes getting attention from many sources. That isn't likely to stop. Now or possibly ever.

You say pretty clearly you KNOW THIS WOMAN IS TOXIC.

What do you do with other toxic stuff?

You already know what you should do.

February 15, 2016

I've had a hard time with the NC thing. I can't go more than a couple days without texting. Most of them she doesn't answer but yesterday I got a "Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you" e-mail at 3:00.

When you choose to leave yourself open and vulnerable to someone that has f'd with you mentally and emotionally, OF COURSE NC doesn't work. Why haven't you blocked her? Deleted her number? It's because you're as dysfunctional and toxic as she is. There is a reason you keep going back and accepting ill treatment. If you want to change your course, you need to block her from ever entering your life. Suffer the withdrawals, cold turkey -- that's the only way.

What should I do? I know this woman is toxic and if I take her back she will leave again. But why does she communicate with me if she doesn't want to be with me?

BLOCK HER. She communicates with you because you are a doormat. An easy fallback when she wants attention. A man she can manipulate to her benefit when she has nothing else going for her. She doesn't love you. She's uses you. When she finds a better opportunity (in her mind) she dumps you. That's all it it.

Cut her out totally and permanently this time?

You should know the answer by now.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Zahara

February 15, 2016

A buddy of mine used to hang out at the local women's prison entrance on Wednesdays, because that was "release day".

When the "clean record" women he dated found out about this, they usually dropped him on the spot, causing him to frequent the prison even more.

I think they call that an uncontrolled circular feedback loop.

February 16, 2016

I saw her at the bar today with one of her best friends and some random guy. Her and the friend were pointing at her phone and then looking at me and laughing. The guy was obviously new to the situation and had no idea what was going on but played along.

After sufficient liquid courage, I walked up to her and asked if she had a minute to talk. Her friend answered for her. No she doesn't and what kind of man are you for putting your hands on her (referring to previous fight where I grabbed her arm). I got asked to leave the bar.

Oh boy..

February 16, 2016

I saw her at the bar today with one of her best friends and some random guy. Her and the friend were pointing at her phone and then looking at me and laughing. The guy was obviously new to the situation and had no idea what was going on but played along.

After sufficient liquid courage, I walked up to her and asked if she had a minute to talk. Her friend answered for her. No she doesn't and what kind of man are you for putting your hands on her (referring to previous fight where I grabbed her arm). I got asked to leave the bar.

Oh boy..

Seriously dude?!?! Leave this bitch alone! RUN!!! They're laughing at you?!?!? Dude, she's fishing for excon's. Therefore, she's attracted to the "bad boys". That's frickin obvious. But, here's the rub. If they are badd boys and have the rep for being bad boys, then logic would dictate it's only a matter of time before they treat her BADLY!!!

So, if she wants to run after know felons, then let her. You have to be more reserved and have some self respect. I mean, seriously?!?! She wants to label you a woman beater?!?!?! She can go screw herself.

Keep away and start making positive changes to your life.

Keep away from her

February 16, 2016

Can you guess what happened next? My dumb ass takes her back.
.......
What should I do? I know this woman is toxic and if I take her back she will leave again. But why does she communicate with me if she doesn't want to be with me?

Cut her out totally and permanently this time?

DO NOT TAKE HER BACK ! She is taking you for granted, taking advantage of your feelings.

You are not a challenge for her anymore because she knows she can do whatever she wants and YOU ENABLE her. She might have lost respect for you, because you don't respect yourself.

I bet it would make her sick if you dated someone else. PLEASE DO SO !

Time for an upgrade ! There are plenty of nice, faithful, devoted and sexy ladies out there.

February 16, 2016

I saw her at the bar today with one of her best friends and some random guy. Her and the friend were pointing at her phone and then looking at me and laughing. The guy was obviously new to the situation and had no idea what was going on but played along.

After sufficient liquid courage, I walked up to her and asked if she had a minute to talk. Her friend answered for her. No she doesn't and what kind of man are you for putting your hands on her (referring to previous fight where I grabbed her arm). I got asked to leave the bar.

Oh boy..

What's wrong with you? Why would you do this? How many times does this woman have to f--k with you before you have some self-respect? I mean, with as much as this chick has done to you, you're still clamoring for more. That's why she's laughing -- because she can do and say whatever she wants and there you'll be, begging for more.

It's time for you to man up and get your balls back dude. Don't be a punchline -- write your own story without her.

February 16, 2016

Cut her out totally and permanently this time?

Mostl people here are so gentle in their responses, yet I feel you could really use a good buddy (e.g. the poster above) who would just get you a beer and slap you right in the face saying: WTF dude? What good could EVER come of this? She is damaged goods beyond repair and it's time to grow a pair, walk away and NEVER look back. Easier said than done, I know, but definitely possible and we all know guys who have done it successfully so let's raise a glass to them and to you as I have a feeling you'll find yourself in this distinguished circle soon.

Cheers and good luck:) Don't f*** this up buddy:)

Edited February 16, 2016 by dirtyfrank

February 17, 2016

Yeah, I know you guys are right.

I don't know why I am still talking to her. We went back and forth by text message for two hours last night. She is still bitter about things that happened years ago. When I brought up some of the things that she has done, she responded by calling me "paranoid" and "delusional." She finally kind of admitted that she did those things but said that she had already expressed whatever remorse she had and I needed to get over it. What a double standard.

As screwed up as I know she is, we had some really good times together. It's like the woman has two personalities!

February 17, 2016

Yeah, I know you guys are right.

I don't know why I am still talking to her. We went back and forth by text message for two hours last night. She is still bitter about things that happened years ago. When I brought up some of the things that she has done, she responded by calling me "paranoid" and "delusional." She finally kind of admitted that she did those things but said that she had already expressed whatever remorse she had and I needed to get over it. What a double standard.

As screwed up as I know she is, we had some really good times together. It's like the woman has two personalities!

Okay, one thing you need to learn is that a woman will NEVER admit that she's wrong. She might be mistaken, but NEVER wrong.

What she was doing with bringing up things in the ancient past was to blameshift things onto you. That it was YOUR fault for the demise of the relationship. It was YOUR actions that caused her to do those horrible things to you and your relationship. Dude, she's finding ANYTHING to justify her actions. But, in the end, she really doesn't give a damn, so you might as well write her off and move on with your life.

February 17, 2016

She is still bitter about things that happened years ago. When I brought up some of the things that she has done, she responded by calling me "paranoid" and "delusional." She finally kind of admitted that she did those things but said that she had already expressed whatever remorse she had and I needed to get over it.

Know that type very well.

Trust me, nothing good can come out of this. Remove her from your reality. Stop talking to her, seeing her, everything. Treat her as dead, because you are as good as dead to her. Now, if you keep repeating to yourself - and to us - you are too weak to change anything... how can we help?

February 17, 2016

You enabled her to be this way. You allow her to treat u this way, so i can only blame you for this. She obviously has no moral compass and you seem to be okay with that. Good luck!

February 17, 2016

You know she's not good for you. You need to just go NC and block her so you're not tempted back into this drama.

I would also recommend reading Natalie Lue's blog. If I remember correctly she calls your situation a boomerang relationship. Her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl might also be a good read. It discusses the dynamics of unavailable (and often high drama) relationships. As I've read your story it seems you are addicted to the highs and lows of the drama.

February 17, 2016

Yeah, I know you guys are right.

I don't know why I am still talking to her. We went back and forth by text message for two hours last night. She is still bitter about things that happened years ago. When I brought up some of the things that she has done, she responded by calling me "paranoid" and "delusional." She finally kind of admitted that she did those things but said that she had already expressed whatever remorse she had and I needed to get over it. What a double standard.

As screwed up as I know she is, we had some really good times together. It's like the woman has two personalities!

Wait this was before or after the bar scene?

February 17, 2016

It was after the bar incident. She initiated the texting to tell me to stop "harassing" her in public. Jeez, all I did was ask her if she had a minute to talk. Not very wise (but then who is after several grey goose's) but I do not think that I did anything wrong.

I asked why she "needed space" this time. She insisted that she just needed time alone to "be herself." I pointed out that she has always been herself and that we saw each other so infrequently before (average 2 times a month) that she couldn't possibly get any more space from me. I also said that I would appreciate it if she would tell me the truth; that if there was another person in the picture I would like to know. Again, she accused me of being delusional and said that the guy she was with at the bar is an old friend from high school who was just visiting town for the day and had already gone home.

Then she goes into this crap about how she misses the "old me" but the way I've been acting lately she doesn't know who I am and she doesn't know if she can hang out with me again because I've publicly embarrassed her.....

February 17, 2016

I would find you exhausting. You can't take a hint. It's over. She doesn't want to be with you but you cannot let it go. You take her attention as her wanting to be in a relationship with you when in actual fact she's just using you to get her needs met when she doesn't have any prospects. What about that doesn't make you recoil and want to stay away from her? Instead you persist -- look at me, look at me, please love me, please be with me. It's so unattractive.

You're becoming so clingy and desperately needy that even the idea of using you for a bit of benefits is becoming a second thought on her part.

Where is your self-respect? When does it become enough for you?

February 17, 2016

I am sure that you guys think I am pathetic after reading all of this, and I do not blame you.

Thing is....and this is why I said it's almost as if she has two personalities...when we *do* actually spend time together she turns on the charm and we have a really good time. She shows a lot of physical affection and is very passionate between the sheets. Then she withdraws and acts like I don't exist.

I wonder if she is bipolar.....seriously. Does it matter at this point? No, but it might go a long way toward explaining some of her weird behaviors.

February 17, 2016

Thing is....and this is why I said it's almost as if she has two personalities...when we *do* actually spend time together she turns on the charm and we have a really good time. She shows a lot of physical affection and is very passionate between the sheets. Then she withdraws and acts like I don't exist.

And all that should make you want to walk away. Instead, you chase it. The more she kicks you in the nuts, the more you run for her. The more drama, the more you get attached.

I wonder if she is bipolar.....seriously. Does it matter at this point? No, but it might go a long way toward explaining some of her weird behaviors.

At this point stop wondering what's wrong with her. You have to ask yourself what's wrong with you. Truly, this isn't about her anymore. It says a lot about who you are that you tolerate being treated this badly.

Read below. Check yourself first before you go labeling her with a disorder. It's absolutely ridiculous for you to justify your behavior because you have bits and pieces of "good times" because she's great at turning on the charm. That's how little you value yourself? At what point do you not set standards and boundaries for yourself because you realize you deserve to be treated with respect.

1. On and off for 5 years

2. 2.5 years couple

3. 2.5 years FWB

4. Break up. She's engaging with a prison pen pal

5. Get back together and soon you find out she is with her ex at a hotel

6. Break up

7. Get back together and soon she needs space and she tells you she met a new guy

8. Break up

9. Get back together but soon she says she doesn't see a future together

Edited February 17, 2016 by Zahara

February 17, 2016

I am sure that you guys think I am pathetic after reading all of this, and I do not blame you.

Thing is....and this is why I said it's almost as if she has two personalities...when we *do* actually spend time together she turns on the charm and we have a really good time. She shows a lot of physical affection and is very passionate between the sheets. Then she withdraws and acts like I don't exist.

I wonder if she is bipolar.....seriously. Does it matter at this point? No, but it might go a long way toward explaining some of her weird behaviors.

Who cares? The point is that the crappy part of her personality is part of her personality. And yes, you are acting pathetic by continuing to go after this girl. And I agree that instead of focusing on what's wrong with her, you need to focus on what's wrong with you. Unfortunately from what you've typed, there's plenty.

She's not your problem. You are your problem. And you are a huge problem.

February 17, 2016

Yeah, I know, guys. And I needed to hear it, so thank you.

It's just that the good times were always really good. And the affection that she shows me when we hang out kind of messes with my head. She's flat out told me that she still loves me but, of course, when I brought that up last night by text she completely denied it (another one of my delusions it seems).

Looking back, there were other red flags. I was pretty much always the one to initiate conversations. Many times I would text and not get a reply or get a terse reply hours later or the next day. She wouldn't acknowledge me in public or want to go to certain places with me.

February 17, 2016

Now that I really think and look back on the situation, there were so many "red flags" that I ignored, in addition to the crappy things she did to me.

1) The last guy that she was in a long-term relationship with before we go together was married when they met. She talked him into divorcing his wife and then they ended up splitting up a couple years later.

2) When she met me, she was dating a guy that she had known since high school. They had always been friends and, I guess, decided to see if they could work as a couple. I didn't know this the night we met but she tried to get me to take her home with her that night. A couple weeks later, after a few dates, she disclosed that she was seeing someone else but she wasn't really attracted to him and thought it would fizzle out. Eventually he got pissed and stopped calling her because she was spending all of her free time with me and giving him excuses. SOUND FAMILIAR??

3) She is a heavy drinker. Drinks in the morning before work. Drinks behind the bar at work. She also drives drunk pretty much every day.

4) She has a history of leaving jobs because of conflicts with management and other employees. Basically a very arrogant person who does not like being told what to do. Her current gig is as a manager of a restaurant where she basically does not have to answer to anyone. She took a pay cut to do this but she can get away with murder and believes that the place would fall apart if she left.

5) She looks down her nose at pretty much everyone and constantly talks crap about people.

So, yeah, why would I want to be around someone like her? I guess she has her good moments, too. It's hard to explain.

February 18, 2016

It's not hard to explain -- you have no self-esteem and you let people treat you like crap. It's pretty easy to explain. Even the worst people in the world aren't a-holes all the time -- stop using that as justification to be a spineless wuss.

February 18, 2016

So, yeah, why would I want to be around someone like her? I guess she has her good moments, too. It's hard to explain.

In order for a relationship to succeed, it has to be consistent. Highest of highs and lowest of lows do not make a stable and healthy relationship. A few good moments mixed in with a lot of drama and dysfunction.

I think you will have to get beaten over the head several more times before you wake up. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

Sign In

E-mail from ex on Valentine's Day

Recommended Posts

Scottyd

kztar

dreamingoftigers

Zahara

mightycpa

Scottyd

Chi townD

Captivating

Simon Phoenix

dirtyfrank

Scottyd

Chi townD

DarkHorizon

ilovemefirst

Miss Peach

OK_computer

Scottyd

Zahara

Scottyd

Zahara

Simon Phoenix

Scottyd

Scottyd

Simon Phoenix

Zahara

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...