Guitarisgood Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I'm generalising. So no, not the scenario people try to play out where one person is significantly different to the other but many a times, two reasonably attractive individuals of the same social circle who even worse many a times, really click. So far, all my experiences are a no. I watched one female friend's relationship end on it's days only for her to end up with her best guy friend who is now whom she is contemplating on marrying. I watched another two who'd spend endless hours studying together resulting in break ups of both parties and whom too are now together. Me, my experiences are far too the same. Thoughts?
CarrieT Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Yes. But the men and women involved have to be mature and adult about their intentions. I am a 50-year old woman and some of my oldest friends are men. When I recently got married (two years ago), my then-fiance (55 yrs old) met Every Single Male Friend I had to understand there was no sexual tension or desire in those relationships. I have been above board when/if I communicate with those friends and - on several occasions - will spend time with them in absence of my husband. It is honest and open and - in one case - one of these male friends (who has known me 35 years) ultimately gave me away at my wedding. 6
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I have lots of male friends. Most of them took DH under their wings when he & I originally got involved. Many are better friends with him then me now, they go out for beers & to games. I was actually annoyed a few years back when they offered him a Giants ticket instead of me because he doesn't even like football. I have other male friends more connected to work. We talk periodically & occasionally have lunch. I'm seeing one of them later today & we're going to swap problems. I have a client I'm struggling to help & so does he. We're both more suited to solve the other's problem. 2
smudge21 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 As with everything, it varies. I have been friends with women without any feelings but then I've had feelings for others or they've had feelings for me. I don't think you can definitely say they can or can't, it's more random than that. I will say that the girl friends I have now are only that way because we've either been close and faded to friends, tried but it hasn't worked out, or just simply were tempted but never went there so the opportunity has passed. So maybe there is always something there, but some people just ignore it or refuse to go down that route.
smackie9 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I have male friends but they are all married. My husband knows them, and has met all of them. I have known them for over 20 years. I might have a beer after work with them. I usually see them in a group setting like a concert or house party. 1
hasaquestion Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I have some close female friends who I have no interest in sleeping with but whose company I genuinely enjoy. It's possible. I guess if I were highly attracted to one of them it would be weird. But they are pretty far up the "friend zone" anyway. It'd feel like getting with your cousin. 1
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I have never experienced success with this, but would love to.
phineas Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 There is no rule that states men and women HAVE to stay platonic friends. People change over the yrs. What their attracted to changes over the yrs. Sometimes people you are not originally attracted to become attractive to you for one reason or another and you stop being friends. The only time it turns is when someone falls in love with a friend when they have never even kissed or done anything romantic. Which honestly I can't imagine how that happens to anyone out of highschool.
thecrucible Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Yes with the right boundaries and expectations. I have a couple of male friends who are my gym buddies. We go to the gym about twice a week to do interval training. I also have male friends who are married or in a long term relationship. I would never meet them by themselves - I know them through their female partners and I tend to see them in group settings. Other male friends of mine are much older than me so there would be no way that anything would be going on there. I try not to flirt with men I'm not interested in or in any way seek any special treatment (I don't soak up any attention). Knowing where the boundaries are set, they will treat me like a friend. I also try not to befriend men I like romantically and I unceremoniously have completely stopped contact with all my exes (it wouldn't be good for us to keep in touch). Those friendships also take place in different settings. Basically I see my male friends and acquaintances in a particular context like as part of a friendship group, sports club, in professional circles or through volunteering that I do. My female friends are my besties I meet on a one-to-one basis and spend periods of time at their houses, spending the whole evening together and going out for meals and that sort of thing. 1
GR4 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I don't really think so. That's true for me at least. Why would you want to be friends with the opposite sex? I want to go out and drink beer and chat about football, not many women are up for that.
TheBathWater Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 My personal experience with this is that in more cases than not, at least one person will desire more than just a friendship (and usually the male). It is certainly not impossible to have a friendship, but as an earlier poster said, I think it really does require a high level of maturity. My rule of thumb is that if you can feel excited by the idea of being naked with that person, the risk is higher than if not. I will also say as a guy that I have never been good friends with a woman I was not sexually attracted to on some level. Acquaintances at work or something? Sure. But if we are arranging private time to meet up and interact, in every case, I would have been receptive to them if they made a move on me or invited me to make a move on them.
Robratory Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I enter stage left, dragging my knuckles, to say, "No, men and women cannot be friends, at least not how men understand the word, and not for long even when it does work." See, to men, "friend" is pretty much the ultimate relationship. Friend is the guy you can call at 3 am to come down and post $500 bail to get you out of jail. But to women, "friend" seems to mean "anyone I don't actually hate." So when you go for a kiss on a second date, and she goes, "Uh, I think we should just be friends," she doesn't mean she's willing to get up at 3 am and go downtown to post $500 bail to bring you home from jail. No, what she really means is, "I'm rejecting you, but I'm afraid you'll get angry and violent, so I'm going to propose that we be friends, which obligates you to be nice to me but doesn't obligate me to anything." Even if you do manage to make friends with someone of the opposite sex, real friends, confidants, when you become romantically involved with someone, then what? Most people, men and women, won't stand for their significant other having a special, emotionally close friends of the opposite sex. I mean, even friends of the same sex often cause friction if they are very close. 2
Robratory Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 My personal experience with this is that in more cases than not, at least one person will desire more than just a friendship (and usually the male). This is exactly right, and the problem is that there is no initial common ground. It's not as if both are enthusiastic Victorian Era researchers. The only thing they had in common was a possibly mutual attraction. Once that attraction proved one-sided, all common ground disappeared. 1
basil67 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I no longer have close male friends - it always gets messy.
AMJ Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Of course we can be friends. I'm still friends with guys from childhood, I've been to their weddings. I have guy friends who call me for advice about their girlfriends and even wives. I have really good male friends who are former coworkers or colleagues from graduate school. Even if one or two of these guys had feelings for me at one point, we've been able to move past it and remain friends. I grew up with three brothers, so it's been natural for me to be friends with men. I am the girl who likes to drink beer and watch football or baseball.
FadedSign52 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 The girl I am dating now has several really close male friends that she talks to constantly on the phone but they are all as gay as they can be. I'm thinking it may work out great. She gets some of her needs met that I may not care to fulfill as much - like decorating advice and constant gossip. And I get to take care of the rest 1
Mumbles Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 The girl I am dating now has several really close male friends that she talks to constantly on the phone but they are all as gay as they can be. I was going to say something in the negative but then you wrote this - and in my view its more true to the mark than what I was going to say. I've always thought that hetro men and women could be friends but have always been proven wrong sadly. One side or the other will have an unrequited feeling for the other and, given the right set of circumstances, will make a move. If the relationship has been going for decades it simply means, in my experience, that there has been too much uncertainty, or fear, or the 'right time' has never presented itself. 2
FadedSign52 Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I was going to say something in the negative but then you wrote this - and in my view its more true to the mark than what I was going to say. I've always thought that hetro men and women could be friends but have always been proven wrong sadly. One side or the other will have an unrequited feeling for the other and, given the right set of circumstances, will make a move. If the relationship has been going for decades it simply means, in my experience, that there has been too much uncertainty, or fear, or the 'right time' has never presented itself. I have had the exact same experiences and honestly if a woman has a lot of male friends I see it as a red flag. Maybe that's baggage on my end but so be it. 1
JustGettingBy Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Its worked for me in group environments (mixed groups) but rarely do 1-on- friendships work out. 1
Gershwin Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Nope, with few exceptions. Put two people from opposite sex with similar level of attractiveness, nothing is impossible IMHO. Generally speaking, women can be friends with male friends forever & be purely platonic bcs we're very good at friendzoning lol. Whereas men can only be close friends with women if a) they think of them as sisters b) they don't find them attractive / think of them as one of the guys c) they only have eyes on their SO's & other women just don't register d) they've been friendzoned I think you can have good friendship, with very clear & healthy boundaries, ie not spending long period of time alone in private, excessive calling/texting/flirting/emotional heart to hearts. Just have a good friendship that always includes your SO's & make sure your SO's are always your no 1 priority. Total red flag when you see someone referring to their friend as their ultimate BFF/soulmate who understand them more than anyone else. If you look at the infidelity forums, no one starts an affair thinking, oh I woke up wanting to cheat with my friend/co-worker/best friend's partner/partner's sibling. They just start to spend so much time together & since they're all friends/their SO's know about it, it's okay! Except feelings start to develop with increasing closeness & crossing of boundaries. Or sometimes they do nothing about the attraction, trust me, the thoughts definitely crosses someone's mind! Call me cynical, but experience has told me not to be naive : ) 1
road Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 I enter stage left, dragging my knuckles, to say, "No, men and women cannot be friends, at least not how men understand the word, and not for long even when it does work." See, to men, "friend" is pretty much the ultimate relationship. Friend is the guy you can call at 3 am to come down and post $500 bail to get you out of jail. But to women, "friend" seems to mean "anyone I don't actually hate." So when you go for a kiss on a second date, and she goes, "Uh, I think we should just be friends," she doesn't mean she's willing to get up at 3 am and go downtown to post $500 bail to bring you home from jail. No, what she really means is, "I'm rejecting you, but I'm afraid you'll get angry and violent, so I'm going to propose that we be friends, which obligates you to be nice to me but doesn't obligate me to anything." Even if you do manage to make friends with someone of the opposite sex, real friends, confidants, when you become romantically involved with someone, then what? Most people, men and women, won't stand for their significant other having a special, emotionally close friends of the opposite sex. I mean, even friends of the same sex often cause friction if they are very close. The above is so true. Men and women speak different languages. When a wife says good, it is bad. When a wife says bad, its worse. When a wife says go head, its means don't you dare. When a wife says do want you want, means don't do it. 1
road Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 The girl I am dating now has several really close male friends that she talks to constantly on the phone but they are all as gay as they can be. I'm thinking it may work out great. She gets some of her needs met that I may not care to fulfill as much - like decorating advice and constant gossip. And I get to take care of the rest I was going to say something in the negative but then you wrote this - and in my view its more true to the mark than what I was going to say. I've always thought that hetro men and women could be friends but have always been proven wrong sadly. One side or the other will have an unrequited feeling for the other and, given the right set of circumstances, will make a move. If the relationship has been going for decades it simply means, in my experience, that there has been too much uncertainty, or fear, or the 'right time' has never presented itself. OH BOY! Do you know the number of BH's that believed his WW when she said the OM was just a gay friend? Too many to count.
Httm Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 The above is so true. Men and women speak different languages. When a wife says good, it is bad. When a wife says bad, its worse. When a wife says go head, its means don't you dare. When a wife says do want you want, means don't do it. Only if she is passive aggressive or a liar.
road Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Only if the woman isn't attractive. Until the beer goggles come into play. Scientific proof that beer goggles makes every woman's rating number go up 5 points. 1
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