Bewildering Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 First off, I'd like to say that both my ex and I are extremely young. We're in sophomore high school. Both my ex and I are also girls. I also apologize for the long post. She was my first. I was her third, she had been with two guys before me. It has been a month since our breakup. We met the typical way. I met her in school because she's my classmate. I saw her originally as a friend, but the feelings grew. We were extremely close friends. Always joking around, contacting each other, and hanging out. People thought we were dating and started wondering. We of course noticed this and shyly dismissed the rumors. But the feelings started to grow. Harmless flirts became serious. Hugs started lasting longer and we made excuses for untypical behavior. Before she knew she liked me, she had a hard time trying to understand herself and why she was liking me because she'd been dating guys and had been with guys for the most part. She always thought she was straight. When she met me, she started questioning, and eventually, she gave in. She knew she liked me and wanted to be with me. We got together in this sweet way. We became (kind of) open about our relationship and had pictures of us in social media. A lot of people supported us, we were very happy and had an amazing relationship from September to January 2016. THE BREAKUP The first week of January when we got back to school, I was excited to see her again. We only saw each other twice during the break, so I greeted her with a hug when I got back in class. She responded coldly. This upset me, so I tried it again the next time. She responds by backing away from me, getting annoyed, and saying that I'm too clingy. After school, we get into a fight about it, and although it gets resolved, she becomes cold to me the next day. On the 8th of January, after a week of her being distant to me and cold (I assumed she was emotionally letting go), she told me that she couldn't handle it anymore and broke up with me. She gave the "It's not you, it's me" card. Told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that she was just not feeling it anymore and felt that we were happier as friends. She said we lacked a lot in communication, that our interests weren't the same, and that our fights were never getting anywhere. Hearing this was a shock, the weekend before things started getting rocky, she was being her typical, sweet self. Although I do remember that when I tried to invite her over to my house, she made an excuse saying that she might be out with her family. We had a fight days before that, so I suspect that it was what made her realize things and wanted to back out. She said she would always care for me and wanted us to stay friends, because she still saw me as someone important in her life. In a moment of weakness, I agreed, but I said that it would take some time before we would actually get back to being those goofy, close friends we used to be. I felt disrespected. I felt like I deserved more reasons, I felt like I should have been furious with her for breaking up with me over call and text. (Well, she was planning to break up with me after school already, but I was gone, and I guess she couldn't make us last the weekend) She gave me the excuse that she was afraid she'd break down in front of me if she ever tried to do it in person. I'm upset at myself for being okay with that. I'm upset that I didn't get the chance to be angry with her, but I'm letting that go. That was a month ago, it's done. THE AFTERMATH I handled the breakup poorly in the beginning. I maintained contact with her, and talked with her too much that she had to tell me that this was not how it worked and that we needed space before trying things again. I was hurt and embarrassed, but adjusted quickly. Tearful nights were constant. It was extremely difficult to try and move on because she's my classmate, and I have to see her almost everyday. Our friends noticed the rift between us and started questioning. We did not talk at all in school during the first days of the breakup (only if school forced us to) but guiltily texted each other every other day and made playful jabs at each other in group chats on FB Messenger. Still, it wasn't the same. What made it worse was that she was already starting to like someone else. A guy. Not even two weeks in, and she was hanging out with him, tweeting little indirects towards him and how she crushes on him. As you might have imagined, this gave me several insecurities, and I cried heavily the night I knew. (She never told me about him, I learned through a friend). Since I was a girl, I always suspected that I was a phase for her, as painful as it sounds. I confronted her about this during our relationship, and she assured me that at that moment, she was sure she wanted to be with me because it felt right. But as straight as she may seem, I knew she loved me. I knew how she gushed about me to her friends. She wasn't someone who would show her affection through actions, but I knew how deeply she cared for me. I remember when she started crying because she wanted to stand up to her parents so badly about our relationship, since we were two girls and that was pretty unconventional in our country. She spent hours talking to her friends and me about coming out, and how much she wanted to be with me and fight for us for as long as we could. As an emotionally attached person, it was hard for me to let go, and even harder now because I see her daily and I sit near her. She saw how much I was struggling, how much I was being tired of her insensitivity toward me and confronted me in chat. We talked about moving on, and she told me to let go. To let go of any thoughts of getting together, and basically everything else. At that moment I recalled the moments we had together in the past, and suddenly realized why they were called the past. I understood. I wasn't really upset with this, and I agreed with her. I told her that I am letting go, it's just that it takes longer for me and that she had to understand that. We ended the confrontation amicably by her saying that she still cared for me as a friend. A few hours after that, we are back to our playful jabs in the group chat. THE CURRENT SITUATION We underwent something similar to NC for a few weeks, the only reason why NC is almost impossible is because 1) We are classmates in school. 2) We have a similar circle of friends. We have been broken up for over a month. In those weeks, we have been slightly repairing the bridges. We are not the close friends we used to be at the moment, but we are talking more frequently. A few weeks ago we resented each other and were ignoring what was happening. Now, we have some good days where we are happy and joking around and being playful. Since she is close to me in class, we help each other out during seatworks and she goes to sit next to me if she needs help. Sometimes we message each other about school things and joke around online like friends. There was one day where we were rehearsing for a play, and there was just a lot of contact between us that even our friends saw it as strange. But we also have off days too. Days where we get annoyed with each other and don't talk. There are moments where I feel like I'm nonexistent to her, even if I sit extremely close to her and talk to the same people as she does. It's a process I'm trying to adapt to. It's getting better. Still, I am aware of the things she said to me before. I am in the process of letting go. I am aware that the relationship we once had was dead, and I am aware that we may never get back together again. There is a problem though. The hot and cold treatment. Sometimes, there are days where we are the friends we used to be. Most days it is just us not talking at all. She also talks about guys in the group chat. and has crushes on a multitude of them, like hanging out and contacting them daily. In the beginning, I felt hurt. Now, I tolerate it and don't pay too much attention. Internally though, it frustrates me that she's trying to identify herself as a straight person now. Just today, she said she was straight, and it felt very immature because it feels like she's constantly changing. I know that it's her choice but it feels like she's invalidating everything she's felt and done with me. We have admittedly done some things that no straight person would do to the same sex, and as much as I'm trying to tolerate her fluidity, it's been exasperating and heartbreaking to see her trying so hard to like guys exclusively again. The past is past, I know. But coping is so hard. Especially when I am her classmate and I'm constantly listening to her hangouts with guys. She also hangs out with different people. When we were together and even before that, we used to do all the things together and with our mutual group of friends. Now, she hangs with other classmates. She stopped hanging out with two of our close friends and has been changing her attitude recently. As much as we are trying to accept all the changes, it has become tiring. It's hard to act like I'm not bothered by it all. It's hard not to be hurt because the person you used to talk to and share your laughs with everyday is now doing it with someone else. You cannot ignore that feeling of replacement. Maybe it's because we're young. I mean, yeah, change is inevitable with us, but I'm just honestly so lost with all of this. We know what's happening in each other's lives through our group chats and small talk. I see her everyday and even if it doesn't hurt as much knowing that she's moving on faster and going out with guys and crushing on some of them, it still tires me. I've tried ignoring, but it's almost impossible since we have the same mutual friends and we have not blocked each other from social media. Some would tell me to block her, but honestly, I feel like there's no need. We are already getting back to being friends and backing out at this point may rupture the healing process. I have not asked her to get back with me. I have not begged or pleaded. I did not mention our past relationship. I did not try to win her back on Valentine's day or anything like that. (But I did try to ask her out to eat with me a week after our breakup, which I realize now was a stupid move). But now we are on okay terms, we talked recently and she even invited me to this school dance (but already had a date with her), which I didn't go to, as I was at a party with a friend. And it just felt weird. I've been improving as well. I get less jealous. I try to be happy for her if she's been with a guy for the day. I went to a party last weekend to get my mind off her and started having eyes on other girls too. I'm proud of my recent athletic and academic achievements in school and it's really warming to know that my ex has been supporting with me with that. I also support her in her sport and basically we try to as supportive as possible when it comes to school things. But sometimes it feels like she wants nothing to do with me, even if I know that isn't true. My ex is someone whose feelings are hard to decipher, and I feel like I was one of the few people who understood her. I'm sad that I haven't talked to her recently about more personal things. Because not only have I lost my girlfriend, but it feels like I cannot get back the close friend I once had. I don't know what to do sometimes. I want to cooperate with her for school, but sometimes I feel like I'll be pushing her away. (We have a play that will be featured in a few weeks and we are both actors). Summer is also near and as much as I'm excited for it, I still want to keep in contact with her throughout that period. Right now, I'm trying to keep my calm and will continue my friendly engagement with her, but I will still have my limitations of how often I talk to her. Am I doing the right thing? Sometimes I feel like the efforts I'm doing is pushing her away instead. I do want to reach out one day. Thank you so much for reading through. I'm so grateful and will appreciate any helpful response I get.
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