vcorec Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 We are spending every weekend together (we see each other almost every day during week) but when I am leaving home she is very sad (I get that, me too), doesn't talk to me, doesn't kiss me, she is very cold to me every single time. She thinks that I dont care that I leave her every Sunday and that I dont miss her I was trying to explain her that my stuff MUST be done, but she doesnt get it and doenst believe me. But I have stuff to do at home ie. I need to finish work stuff, respond to emails etc. What can I do?
Jessie1231 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 She sounds insecure and needy, so why do you need to convince her that you miss her because you can't see her every second of the day? Instead of convincing her you miss her, convince her to find some kind of life outside of you.
Wyze Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I spent 6 months in a relationship with gal just like that. I was in a position where I would spend most night's at her house, and the only time I was really apart from her was school or work. We were inseparable, and I was pretty happy with her. The dilemma lied where when I left, even I was going to back the next day or even a few hours, she would almost shut down and become cold. She suffered from some severe separating anxiety that I believe was the result of distant parenting and bad codependent relationships in the past. It seems like your head is on straight and you're seeing that you what you can, and want to make her feel important, but must maintain a life and an identity. I encourage you to look for signs of her codependency and separation issues. Partners with those traits can often make a passive aggressive power play out of you leaving, which is a way to demand more attention. This may or may not be your dilemma. Either way, keep your eyes peeled for this emotional issues being sourced in codependency, and a need for constant attention or affection. If you think that's the case. Address it and expand on the concept that while you two come together as a unit, functioning separately and staying strong during times a part will be a healthy thing for individual development, and the strength of the relationship. Her behaving that way can ultimately stifle the relationship and each partners as individuals. Let me know if that helps!
Author vcorec Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 I spent 6 months in a relationship with gal just like that. I was in a position where I would spend most night's at her house, and the only time I was really apart from her was school or work. We were inseparable, and I was pretty happy with her. The dilemma lied where when I left, even I was going to back the next day or even a few hours, she would almost shut down and become cold. She suffered from some severe separating anxiety that I believe was the result of distant parenting and bad codependent relationships in the past. It seems like your head is on straight and you're seeing that you what you can, and want to make her feel important, but must maintain a life and an identity. I encourage you to look for signs of her codependency and separation issues. Partners with those traits can often make a passive aggressive power play out of you leaving, which is a way to demand more attention. This may or may not be your dilemma. Either way, keep your eyes peeled for this emotional issues being sourced in codependency, and a need for constant attention or affection. If you think that's the case. Address it and expand on the concept that while you two come together as a unit, functioning separately and staying strong during times a part will be a healthy thing for individual development, and the strength of the relationship. Her behaving that way can ultimately stifle the relationship and each partners as individuals. Let me know if that helps! Thank you, this is the case. I will try to address it and I hope she will understand. She lived only with her mom, her dad left them when she was 13. She had a rough relationship (3 years) before me and I am her first serious partner after that. I trully care about her, I dont wanna leave her but I am finishing university and having fulltime jobs is quite difficult. That's why I am trying to find an option to make this work, otherwise we have to serapate. 1
basil67 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 We are spending every weekend together (we see each other almost every day during week) but when I am leaving home she is very sad (I get that, me too), doesn't talk to me, doesn't kiss me, she is very cold to me every single time. She thinks that I dont care that I leave her every Sunday and that I dont miss her I was trying to explain her that my stuff MUST be done, but she doesnt get it and doenst believe me. But I have stuff to do at home ie. I need to finish work stuff, respond to emails etc. What can I do? You do know this is a red flag don't you? Damn any comments about 'insecurity', I'm just going to say she's being a brat having a tantrum to get what she wants. If you're determined to continue, I'd be doing tough love. DO NOT under any circumstances give her any positive feedback when she's behaving in this selfish, needy way. Thing is, when she acts like this and you tell her how much you care, she gets positive feedback and continues doing it. It's like rewarding your pet for pooping on the carpet. Give her a warning that her behaviour has gone on long enough and you will no longer be tolerating it. If she repeats the behaviour after you've warned her, just ignore her and walk off. No hugs, no kisses, no reassurance. Sadly, it sounds like this girl has gotten what she wants by throwing tantrums with her parents and she is now trying it on you. 1
sandylee1 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Her behaviour is going to get very tiresome soon. It's extremely unhealthy for you not to spend time apart. If you want a long term relationship with her you need to address it with her quickly. You need to tell her you have things to do besides being with her although you very much enjoy spending time with her. Nothing will get done if you live and breath each other every day. If she can't stop looking glum and behave sensibly...then it's time to say goodbye. Never ignore these red flags. Good luck
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 It could be more about how you take your leave and reassure rather than that you leave. If you are already looking at the prospect of leaving and not being with her and giving her all the attention and nurturing your realtionship as a whole, then it will always be an issue.
Author vcorec Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 It could be more about how you take your leave and reassure rather than that you leave. If you are already looking at the prospect of leaving and not being with her and giving her all the attention and nurturing your realtionship as a whole, then it will always be an issue. Pardon me, but I think I didnt understand your last sentence. Do you mean, that if I think that leaving her for good is not an option and instead nurturing her and our relationship that this could be an issue?
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I meant how you take your leave from her.That is, when you part from her.Abruptly, annoyingly, half present , half hearted effort .
Author vcorec Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 I meant how you take your leave from her.That is, when you part from her.Abruptly, annoyingly, half present , half hearted effort . I love her and I want to spend as much as possible with her but I always say that I have to go that I have to work/study/email etc. I am leaving her sad that I have to do my responsibilities but i am trying to lighten up the situation because I hate to leave her sad or angry. I also leave her with enthusiasm that we will see each other "tomorrow".
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 You maybe leaving her with enthusiasm but you should be sad to leave her and enthusiastic to meet her again ,lol ! No wonder you are having issues
Author vcorec Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 You maybe leaving her with enthusiasm but you should be sad to leave her and enthusiastic to meet her again ,lol ! No wonder you are having issues Enthusiasm I mentioned is ie. looking forward to our dinner tomorrow.
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I guess you are incompatible. I read your previous thread about forbidding her to have a piercing etc. Break up.
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 You can't convince her that you miss her. There is no convincing her of anything because she is not mentally healthy. The amount of time you spend together is almost extreme & not healthy. She is manipulative, clingy & unbelievably insecure. For your sake I hope she has other good qualities because the picture you painted is problematic at best. Life happens. You can't be glued to the other person's hip. The fact that she carries on this way makes her quite unattractive in my book Personally I'd tell her to grow up & stop acting like a whining petulant child or you will be leaving permanently but I suspect you are not going to do this because some level you share her delusion & have convinced yourself that her histrionics are a manifestation of how much she cares about you
blueskyday Posted February 16, 2016 Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) She needs to learn how to balance your need for time alone with her need to be with you. My guess is she is simply sad when you leave. Hug her, look into her eyes and tell her you hate to leave, and that you love her. Text her when you get home, and call her that night before bed. Are you making every effort to stay close during the week while you are away? It could be hard for her if she feels close to you on the weekends, but not while you are gone. It might help to up the contact, as well as face timing, telling her about your day and expressing your love. I once had a long distance boyfriend who would take a picture of the empty pillow next to him, text it to me saying he wished I was there, and express different things he missed about me: my soft skin, my scent, my soft full lips, my smile....you get the picture. Romantic stuff. That said, if you try that and it doesn't help, she could have some insecurity and attachment issues that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship. Edited February 16, 2016 by blueskyday
Recommended Posts