Am I being unrealistic? (finding dream guy)

February 15, 2016

Truth is... you're screwed. 22, have a kid with a guy you don't find attractive. You're stuck with this guy because of the kid you have together. Only solution is to separate and work something out with raising the kid. If you can, move in with your parents and raise the kid in their house. Let him see the kid on the weekends. In the meantime, get out there and meet someone else. Warning: it will be tough as I'm not sure how many men will be interested in a 22 year old who has a kid... at least something serious. You'll have to target men who are separated and have a smiliar kind of situation.

February 15, 2016

Because it's my family. I want the "perfect family" were the mom and dad are together and happy. I have never wanted my daughter to be from a broken home and never know what it's like to have her parents together. I didn't have my parents together.

So choosing to murder a baby would have been a more mature decision? I gave her the chance to live. Or choosing to walk away from her would have been mature? I didn't get pregnant on purpose and I was on birth control (which I used correctly). I asked my BF about adoption when I was pregnant and he said a definite no to that. He did want me to have an abortion though, he said we weren't ready.

I don't know how to talk to him and make him understand... I HAVE told him that I want to spend more time with him and how happy it would make me if he put some romance into the relationship. But he blows it off. I don't care about presents, I don't need them. But I just want a bit of effort on those special days. Like a date, or a card, or some other small gesture.

I have and IUD and we use condoms, I better not get pregnant.

Not everyone thinks a fetus is a baby.

You convinced yourself you loved someone who you had never met.. and then rushed into a relationship before you actually got to know the real them. Then, you didn't use enough protection, chose to have a baby, and now you are in a bind.

Your relationship is not ideal, but your choices led directly to this situation. You have to make a choice as to whether it is acceptable for you to live like this or not. Your relationship will only get worse. Not better.

February 15, 2016

You have to do your part & give up on the idea that there is a "dream guy" out there. The time to pursue that fantasy was before you had a kid.

Is it unrealistic for everyone to find their "dream guy" or only me because I have a child? Does that "dream partner" not exist or are you not worthy if you have a child already? Or nobody wants to date someone with a child so it'll be impossible to find the "dream guy"?

Not everyone thinks a fetus is a baby.

You convinced yourself you loved someone who you had never met.. and then rushed into a relationship before you actually got to know the real them. Then, you didn't use enough protection, chose to have a baby, and now you are in a bind.

Your relationship is not ideal, but your choices led directly to this situation. You have to make a choice as to whether it is acceptable for you to live like this or not. Your relationship will only get worse. Not better.

So I should deal with the relationship because I put myself into it, it's my fault?

February 15, 2016

Is it unrealistic for everyone to find their "dream guy" or only me because I have a child? Does that "dream partner" not exist or are you not worthy if you have a child already? Or nobody wants to date someone with a child so it'll be impossible to find the "dream guy"?

So I should deal with the relationship because I put myself into it, it's my fault?

You chose your path. Now you have to choose whether this is the life you want to live for the rest of your life or not.

February 15, 2016

Just one more thing, your bf being overweight is probably not having a good self image. Difficult to be romantic when you have an unattractive self image. I assume you're not saying things like, "why don't you exercise, fatso?". But it is possible he knows you find him physically unattractive, and in reaction to that, he would pull back and be distant.

February 15, 2016

My daughter just went to a relatives house for a visit. When she left I asked my BF if he wanted to hang out because we rarely have time with her not around. That time is crucial to me, time to just be a couple. It was a straight up no because "it's boring". Maybe I'm just a super boring person. The first boyfriend I had called me boring a lot. It's like I'm not relationship material.

Just one more thing, your bf being overweight is probably not having a good self image. Difficult to be romantic when you have an unattractive self image. I assume you're not saying things like, "why don't you exercise, fatso?". But it is possible he knows you find him physically unattractive, and in reaction to that, he would pull back and be distant.

I just asked him if he thinks I'm attracted to him physically. In a nutshell he said no, because he doesn't find himself physically attractive so I shouldn't. But he's had years to change that part of himself.

February 15, 2016

You see what type of man he is why are you still sticking around him. He doesn't like to waste money on rings and he's not listening to what you have to say. Relationships needs communication to work otherwise you will be alone always even if he's in the house. You do not know what's going on this relationship with a man who really doesn't care too about anything other than himself. That's what I see going on here. If you leave him you need to make sure you have a better place to go otherwise you'll end up on the streets. So much to consider now you have a child to think about including yourself. If he doesn't listen to you then you need to pack-up your bags and head for your family for support. If you can. Now you have to find a man who has a child and is in the same sort of life because those single men understand what it is like to be parent.

February 15, 2016

I am 22 years old and in a relationship. We met with online dating and were long distance for almost a year and a half. We didn't meet at all in that time. When we did meet we got together about 3 times then moved in together. Now we've been living together for 2 and a half years.

We fell in love first, then we met. We Skyped every day. When we finally met face to face I found that I wasn't attracted to him. But I loved him. It was conflicting and I pushed those feelings aside.

But it's still bothering me. I'm not physically attracted to him. I think most of it is his body, he should lose about 40-50 pounds. He keeps saying that he wants to and hates his body, but he never does anything about it. I wanted to lose about 10 pounds so I started running and eating better, but he wouldn't join me.

I find myself looking at other men and being much more physically attracted to them.

Then there is another issue… When I think of my "dream guy" personality, he doesn't fit the description. I want someone romantic and he isn't at all. We did nothing on Valentines day, he got my nothing for my birthday or Christmas (I spent a few hundred and he knew that ahead of time). I've told him that I want romance and he basically says it's "gay". We were watching a movie and the guy made his lady breakfast in bed with a love note, I said that's cute and I'd love that and he said it would never happen. He doesn't even want to write his own vows if we get married.

I also want someone who loves to spend time with me rather than always on the computer or with friends. I not asking for all his time, but I hardly get any of his time. We never go on dates, we've never gone out to dinner (he thinks it's a waste to spend $40-$100 on a meal when he can eat a bowl of cereal and be just as satisfied).

BUT.... we have a baby together (unplanned). I don't want to be immature and walk away or think I can find this dream guy. So far I never have.

But I loved him. -- You didn't love him, you were in love with the vision/the idea of a boyfriend/mate -- the dream guy and he didn't/doesn't love You. You are a convenience for him.

You are very young, way too young to be in an unsatisfying relationship not to mention having a baby. End this now while you are still young and while the baby is still small. That baby is your #1 priority. If you stay in a relationship that is so unsatisfying and the relationship becomes so awful for you, the baby will suffer from that poor environment. Not only that, this guy is going to be setting an example for your child about how to treat a woman and how to have a relationship. And, if you are entertaining the idea that YOU should try to make it work for the sake of the baby remember this: A child would rather be FROM a broken home than be IN one. You should also know this: It takes two to make a relationship work, but according to what you've said here, you would be the only one working to save it. That's emotionally exhausting.

I don't want to be immature and walk away -- He's the one who is immature -- walking away would be the most mature thing you could do and you would be doing it for the baby . . .

February 15, 2016

Because it's my family. I want the "perfect family" were the mom and dad are together and happy. I have never wanted my daughter to be from a broken home and never know what it's like to have her parents together. I didn't have my parents together.

So choosing to murder a baby would have been a more mature decision? I gave her the chance to live. Or choosing to walk away from her would have been mature?

I didn't get pregnant on purpose and I was on birth control (which I used correctly). I asked my BF about adoption when I was pregnant and he said a definite no to that. He did want me to have an abortion though, he said we weren't ready.

I don't know how to talk to him and make him understand... I HAVE told him that I want to spend more time with him and how happy it would make me if he put some romance into the relationship. But he blows it off. I don't care about presents, I don't need them. But I just want a bit of effort on those special days. Like a date, or a card, or some other small gesture.

I have and IUD and we use condoms, I better not get pregnant.

Is it unrealistic for everyone to find their "dream guy" or only me because I have a child? Does that "dream partner" not exist or are you not worthy if you have a child already? Or nobody wants to date someone with a child so it'll be impossible to find the "dream guy"?

So I should deal with the relationship because I put myself into it, it's my fault?

If this situation is not your fault, who is responsible? You made choices. You chose to move in with a man you had only met 3 times. When you got pregnant even after he told you to have an abortion, you chose to have the baby. I never told you to have an abortion. I suggested that making the sacrifice to give your baby a life with 2 loving parents who wanted her & who were in a position to take care of her -- ADOPTION -- was your best bet but you chose the harder road to have the child & raise her yourself with a man who doesn't love you, didn't want her & who you are not attracted to, all the while whining that you want your dream man.

I don't see anybody other than you making decisions about your life other then you.

You now know his true colors and you know you are unhappy, The only Q is what is your next move?

February 15, 2016

My two cents....

Don't nary him and look to end this now.

You got I to this for the wrong reasons...you were not in love but the idea of being in love.

I doubt he loses weight changes things with him....as you have described he seems yo do nothing romantic for you.

February 16, 2016

Truth is... you're screwed. 22, have a kid with a guy you don't find attractive. You're stuck with this guy because of the kid you have together. Only solution is to separate and work something out with raising the kid. If you can, move in with your parents and raise the kid in their house. Let him see the kid on the weekends. In the meantime, get out there and meet someone else. Warning: it will be tough as I'm not sure how many men will be interested in a 22 year old who has a kid... at least something serious. You'll have to target men who are separated and have a similar kind of situation.

This thread makes me feel even worse about myself than I did before I wrote it.

I don't think he would settle for just seeing her on the weekend. I don't have a lot of family and the family that I do have lives too far away to move in with. I'd have to get an apartment here and they aren't easy to find.

You are right that it would be hard (maybe impossible) to find a guy that wants a serious relationship and was what I was looking for. Probably impossible. I wouldn't want to rush into anything or go searching right away. I also feel like if I wait too long to find someone than I've been out of the game for too long which is a whole other issue.

I'm not very good at being single. I like companionship and having someone there for me.

But I loved him. -- You didn't love him, you were in love with the vision/the idea of a boyfriend/mate -- the dream guy and he didn't/doesn't love You. You are a convenience for him.

You are very young, way too young to be in an unsatisfying relationship not to mention having a baby. End this now while you are still young and while the baby is still small. That baby is your #1 priority. If you stay in a relationship that is so unsatisfying and the relationship becomes so awful for you, the baby will suffer from that poor environment. Not only that, this guy is going to be setting an example for your child about how to treat a woman and how to have a relationship. And, if you are entertaining the idea that YOU should try to make it work for the sake of the baby remember this: A child would rather be FROM a broken home than be IN one. You should also know this: It takes two to make a relationship work, but according to what you've said here, you would be the only one working to save it. That's emotionally exhausting.

I don't want to be immature and walk away -- He's the one who is immature -- walking away would be the most mature thing you could do and you would be doing it for the baby . . .

I tried to talk to him tonight and tell that I needed more romance and effort from him. But he wouldn't take it seriously. When I try and talk to him he doesn't give me his full attention. I feel like we'd be great if he'd put in a bit of effort and just listen to me. But I can't get him to...

February 16, 2016

This thread makes me feel even worse about myself than I did before I wrote it.

I don't think he would settle for just seeing her on the weekend. I don't have a lot of family and the family that I do have lives too far away to move in with. I'd have to get an apartment here and they aren't easy to find.

You are right that it would be hard (maybe impossible) to find a guy that wants a serious relationship and was what I was looking for. Probably impossible. I wouldn't want to rush into anything or go searching right away. I also feel like if I wait too long to find someone than I've been out of the game for too long which is a whole other issue.

I'm not very good at being single. I like companionship and having someone there for me.

Yes, that's why you have put up with him so long - you need someone to be around. You don't love him do you?

It won't be impossible to find someone, but finding someone right now when you baby is so young should not be your priority. The last girl I dated was a single mum, she has a 4yo, she said she didn't really go out until this year because she needed to focus on her daughter. That's what you need to do for the moment.

Is there any way you can move closer to you family so they could help?

"I feel like we'd be great if he'd put in a bit of effort and just listen to me."

I think you are kidding yourself.

February 16, 2016

This thread makes me feel even worse about myself than I did before I wrote it.

I don't think he would settle for just seeing her on the weekend. I don't have a lot of family and the family that I do have lives too far away to move in with. I'd have to get an apartment here and they aren't easy to find.

You are right that it would be hard (maybe impossible) to find a guy that wants a serious relationship and was what I was looking for. Probably impossible. I wouldn't want to rush into anything or go searching right away. I also feel like if I wait too long to find someone than I've been out of the game for too long which is a whole other issue.

I'm not very good at being single. I like companionship and having someone there for me.

I tried to talk to him tonight and tell that I needed more romance and effort from him. But he wouldn't take it seriously. When I try and talk to him he doesn't give me his full attention. I feel like we'd be great if he'd put in a bit of effort and just listen to me. But I can't get him to...

I'm not very good at being single -- You never gave yourself an opportunity to get good at it. You 'met" this guy at, what 20 years old and then moved in with him 3 days after you met in person. You are not only feeling unfulfilled in the relationship, you're likely feeling unfulfilled because you haven't had/given yourself the opportunity to to explore your life and future potential.

You cannot make anyone do or be what you want them to be. Either they are what you need or they aren't. Sure, you can tell them what you need/want along the way, "smaller" things that aren't being met and if they love you, they will step up to the plate.

But, what you are looking for from him is about "who he is", he can't/won't change himself as a person for you.

February 16, 2016

I'm not very good at being single -- You never gave yourself an opportunity to get good at it. You 'met" this guy at, what 20 years old and then moved in with him 3 days after you met in person. You are not only feeling unfulfilled in the relationship, you're likely feeling unfulfilled because you haven't had/given yourself the opportunity to to explore your life and future potential.

You cannot make anyone do or be what you want them to be. Either they are what you need or they aren't. Sure, you can tell them what you need/want along the way, "smaller" things that aren't being met and if they love you, they will step up to the plate.

But, what you are looking for from him is about "who he is", he can't/won't change himself as a person for you.

It wasn't 3 days after we met that we moved in together. It was 3 times physically being together. We met for the first time in May and spent the weekend together, then a couple times in June and I spent a week with him. Then I lived with him for the whole month of July and we moved into our own place the end of July. That's still not a great scenario, I know.

Yes, that's why you have put up with him so long - you need someone to be around. You don't love him do you?

It won't be impossible to find someone, but finding someone right now when you baby is so young should not be your priority. The last girl I dated was a single mum, she has a 4yo, she said she didn't really go out until this year because she needed to focus on her daughter. That's what you need to do for the moment.

Is there any way you can move closer to you family so they could help?

"I feel like we'd be great if he'd put in a bit of effort and just listen to me."
I think you are kidding yourself.

No, I can't move closer to them. My university is here and there isn't one near them. But more importantly, my boyfriend is here and he'd want partial custody. I legally wouldn't be able to move that far away.

February 16, 2016

It wasn't 3 days after we met that we moved in together. It was 3 times physically being together. We met for the first time in May and spent the weekend together, then a couple times in June and I spent a week with him. Then I lived with him for the whole month of July and we moved into our own place the end of July. That's still not a great scenario, I know.

No, I can't move closer to them. My university is here and there isn't one near them. But more importantly, my boyfriend is here and he'd want partial custody. I legally wouldn't be able to move that far away.

You clearly don't know your legal rights. Speak with a lawyer.

February 16, 2016

You clearly don't know your legal rights. Speak with a lawyer.

If he files for joint custody then I cannot move across the country.

February 16, 2016

It wasn't 3 days after we met that we moved in together. It was 3 times physically being together. We met for the first time in May and spent the weekend together, then a couple times in June and I spent a week with him. Then I lived with him for the whole month of July and we moved into our own place the end of July. That's still not a great scenario, I know.

No, I can't move closer to them. My university is here and there isn't one near them. But more importantly, my boyfriend is here and he'd want partial custody. I legally wouldn't be able to move that far away.

It wasn't 3 days after we met that we moved in together. It was 3 times physically being together. We met for the first time in May and spent the weekend together, then a couple times in June and I spent a week with him. Then I lived with him for the whole month of July and we moved into our own place the end of July. That's still not a great scenario, I know.

Right, this is a distinction without a difference.

Go to an attorney for a consultation and get facts and find out what your rights are and the steps that are necessary.

February 16, 2016

I think we have similar feeling about our spouses. The only different is mine is willing to change and want it work for both of us...I am not sure if my suggestion is right..I am sitting here and ask myself if I am in the same situation what I should do?

And here is my answer: I would live my life fully, focus more on myself until one day I had a strong feeling that I need to leave this man or he has a feeling that he need to change to join your happy life!

Right now you do not want to leave because he is not too bad and he is also not the perfect guy. So there is not a clear answer for yourself.Then i think you should focus on yourself...do not bother to think too much about him..if he thinks holiday gift is wasting of money then do not waste them on him. Buy some beautiful clothes for yourself, enjoy the holiday yourself..you can just buy 10 buck chocolate or make a dinner or just say happy V day to him as the celebration with him...if he feels you are not interesting to talk with, then talk with us...do not push him to talk with you any more...just focus on yourself..do the things make you feel good about yourself...if anything you both enjoy, then do it together...I am not asking you to emotionally detach from him but focus more on yourself..it is like you are glad to have his company and you could also enjoy the time without him...take time, I think you will find an answer yourself or receive a signal from him...

Good luck with your life emma! As a woman no matter if we met the dream guy in our life or not, we always need to enjoy ourselves and live our life fully...like we are walking on the road, we are glad to have company to walk together, share laugh and tear, but we also can enjoy the journey on our own especially you are not alone now, you have your baby...

You deserve a better life and you will make it happen no matter if the dream guy come or if your bf change..you will have it on your own...I know it is easy to say than do...but try little bit everyday and you will be better and better..you are still young, lots of wonderful things are waiting for you ..do not waste time to feel bad...good luck!!!

February 16, 2016

If he files for joint custody then I cannot move across the country.

Custody issues are decided by judges based on what is in the best interests of the child. Geography is only one factor to be considered. Do not presume you know the law or your rights until you consult a lawyer.

February 16, 2016

The "dream guy" part is def unrealistic. I don't believe that any solid relationships are based on the people being each other's "dream."

The other part - I don't quite understand how you have lived with him for 2.5 years and had a kid, all without being attracted to him, but I guess you will need to address it.

It's a good cautionary example of the "false intimacy" created by relationships that take place online instead of in person. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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Am I being unrealistic? (finding dream guy)

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