Am I being unrealistic? (finding dream guy)

[hopelessemma]

I am 22 years old and in a relationship. We met with online dating and were long distance for almost a year and a half. We didn't meet at all in that time. When we did meet we got together about 3 times then moved in together. Now we've been living together for 2 and a half years.

 

We fell in love first, then we met. We Skyped every day. When we finally met face to face I found that I wasn't attracted to him. But I loved him. It was conflicting and I pushed those feelings aside.

 

But it's still bothering me. I'm not physically attracted to him. I think most of it is his body, he should lose about 40-50 pounds. He keeps saying that he wants to and hates his body, but he never does anything about it. I wanted to lose about 10 pounds so I started running and eating better, but he wouldn't join me.

 

I find myself looking at other men and being much more physically attracted to them.

 

Then there is another issue… When I think of my "dream guy" personality, he doesn't fit the description. I want someone romantic and he isn't at all. We did nothing on Valentines day, he got my nothing for my birthday or Christmas (I spent a few hundred and he knew that ahead of time). I've told him that I want romance and he basically says it's "gay". We were watching a movie and the guy made his lady breakfast in bed with a love note, I said that's cute and I'd love that and he said it would never happen. He doesn't even want to write his own vows if we get married.

 

I also want someone who loves to spend time with me rather than always on the computer or with friends. I not asking for all his time, but I hardly get any of his time. We never go on dates, we've never gone out to dinner (he thinks it's a waste to spend $40-$100 on a meal when he can eat a bowl of cereal and be just as satisfied).

 

BUT.... we have a baby together (unplanned). I don't want to be immature and walk away or think I can find this dream guy. So far I never have.

[yxalitis]

I am 22 years old and in a relationship. We met with online dating and were long distance for almost a year and a half. We didn't meet at all in that time. When we did meet we got together about 3 times then moved in together. Now we've been living together for 2 and a half years.

 

We fell in love first, then we met. We Skyped every day. When we finally met face to face I found that I wasn't attracted to him. But I loved him. It was conflicting and I pushed those feelings aside.

 

But it's still bothering me. I'm not physically attracted to him. I think most of it is his body, he should lose about 40-50 pounds. He keeps saying that he wants to and hates his body, but he never does anything about it. I wanted to lose about 10 pounds so I started running and eating better, but he wouldn't join me.

 

I find myself looking at other men and being much more physically attracted to them.

 

Then there is another issue… When I think of my "dream guy" personality, he doesn't fit the description. I want someone romantic and he isn't at all. We did nothing on Valentines day, he got my nothing for my birthday or Christmas (I spent a few hundred and he knew that ahead of time). I've told him that I want romance and he basically says it's "gay". We were watching a movie and the guy made his lady breakfast in bed with a love note, I said that's cute and I'd love that and he said it would never happen. He doesn't even want to write his own vows if we get married.

 

I also want someone who loves to spend time with me rather than always on the computer or with friends. I not asking for all his time, but I hardly get any of his time. We never go on dates, we've never gone out to dinner (he thinks it's a waste to spend $40-$100 on a meal when he can eat a bowl of cereal and be just as satisfied).

 

BUT.... we have a baby together (unplanned). I don't want to be immature and walk away or think I can find this dream guy. So far I never have.

Reminds me of my current gf.

She "loves" her bf, but when asked why, comes up with negatives instead "he talks too much, he's fat..."

But she's never lived with him.

My question is, what the hell are you doing in a relationship with this guy?

You are being incredibly unfair to him...

Have you TOLD him these feelings, these doubts?

After this long, you owe him your honest opinion!

[CarrieT]

I don't want to be immature and walk away or think I can find this dream guy. So far I never have.

 

I'm sorry, but I think you WERE immature to move in with someone you really only met three times. And then have and bring to term an unplanned pregnancy.

 

You met a guy online and you "fell in love" because it is what you wanted. You really didn't know this guy so your brain synapses filled in the gaps with those things you wanted and hoped for and then were disappointed when he wasn't all that you had wished for.

 

Honestly, you are too young to continue down this path. The mature thing to do would be to set up a parenting schedule with the father of this child and learn to be on your own for a while.

 

Then, sometime in your early thirties, start thinking about finding the dream guy. Seriously, your baby needs you now. You shouldn't be concerned about finding Prince Charming at this point. You have a lot of growing up to do first...

[hopelessemma]

Reminds me of my current gf.

She "loves" her bf, but when asked why, comes up with negatives instead "he talks too much, he's fat..."

But she's never lived with him.

My question is, what the hell are you doing in a relationship with this guy?

You are being incredibly unfair to him...

Have you TOLD him these feelings, these doubts?

After this long, you owe him your honest opinion!

 

We have a baby together. That makes it incredibly difficult to end things. But that is NOT the only reason I am with him. I enjoy my time with him, when he gives me his time. And I love him. We've been together for a long time. I don't want to break up my family for a fantasy. And I don't want to lose time with my baby for a fantasy. I can't imagine ever being away from her.

 

No, I haven't told him my feelings the way I have here. I've told him that we should lose weight together (he says it a lot too), but he'll never do it with me. I've told him that I want more time with him or for him to be romantic (not even more romantic, he isn't at all) but he won't.

 

I'm sorry, but I think you WERE immature to move in with someone you really only met three times. And then have and bring to term an unplanned pregnancy.

 

You met a guy online and you "fell in love" because it is what you wanted. You really didn't know this guy so your brain synapses filled in the gaps with those things you wanted and hoped for and then were disappointed when he wasn't all that you had wished for.

 

Honestly, you are too young to continue down this path. The mature thing to do would be to set up a parenting schedule with the father of this child and learn to be on your own for a while.

 

Then, sometime in your early thirties, start thinking about finding the dream guy. Seriously, your baby needs you now. You shouldn't be concerned about finding Prince Charming at this point. You have a lot of growing up to do first...

 

I don't think choosing to have the baby was an immature decision. That was actually a very mature choice. I could have easily aborted the baby and been done with it. But I chose to parent my child. And I love it and I'm a good mother.

 

How is it mature to break up my family for no reason other than to be single for a decade? His father/my boyfriend is older. Early 30's to START looking for a relationship seems late. That's pushing it to have healthy kids/pregnancies.

[basil67]

You wonder if it's realistic to find your 'dream guy'. Well from what you write about your current partner, it wouldn't be difficult to find better. I mean, even if you forget about romance, he doesn't even want to spend time with you.

 

Tell me, why do you love him? (Serious question). And what does he do to make you feel loved and wanted? In what ways does spending the little time you have with him make you feel good?

 

Lastly, what kind of dad is he? If he chooses not to spend much time with you, how much attention is his child receiving? Does he ever take the baby out on his own? Does he care for the baby if you want to do something?

[hopelessemma]

You wonder if it's realistic to find your 'dream guy'. Well from what you write about your current partner, it wouldn't be difficult to find better. I mean, even if you forget about romance, he doesn't even want to spend time with you.

 

Tell me, why do you love him? (Serious question). And what does he do to make you feel loved and wanted? In what ways does spending the little time you have with him make you feel good?

 

Lastly, what kind of dad is he? If he chooses not to spend much time with you, how much attention is his child receiving? Does he ever take the baby out on his own? Does he care for the baby if you want to do something?

 

I'm not as fun or interested (or something else) as his friends and video games (play with friends). I don't know if that's on me or him. It's like I can't do anything to really make him enjoy his time with me. So maybe I just suck.

 

I don't know. That's my honest answer. I sit her thinking and all I have is a blank slate. He otherwise treats me well, we have fun together, he's patient.

 

I don't feel loved or wanted. Not at all. It makes me happy I guess. I just enjoy the time because I don't have a lot of it.

 

He's a good dad. He loves our daughter and is good with her. He usually spends time with her every day. Not a lot of time, but an hour or two. Unless I'm gone he doesn't take her out by himself. He has to watch her twice a week for 3 hours each time.

 

If I ask him to look after her to I can work on something he sometimes will. But if I just want to take a bath he says to take her with me. Or if I just want a break I don't get it ever. I have to have a reason, like cleaning, homework, etc. but that's hit or miss. I've never been able to sleep in since she's been born, he sleeps in almost every day (and stays up half the night). I have to do all of the night wakings.

[Maggie4]

What has happened has happened. You should probably get married, since you have this child now, and if your bf is a responsible guy, then you have a nice family.

Suppose you never met your bf, and you met dream guy instead. You get all this romance, dining out, and you marry. A few years later, dream guy can still get fat, won't exercise, and don't want to dine out or spend time with you anymore. This scenario is not uncommon.

Maybe couples counseling will help?

[hopelessemma]

What has happened has happened. You should probably get married, since you have this child now, and if your bf is a responsible guy, then you have a nice family.

Suppose you never met your bf, and you met dream guy instead. You get all this romance, dining out, and you marry. A few years later, dream guy can still get fat, won't exercise, and don't want to dine out or spend time with you anymore. This scenario is not uncommon.

Maybe couples counseling will help?

 

I guess you're right. I should just get over the idea of a "perfect match" or "dream guy". They could change at any time.

 

I don't think it would help. It's either his personality or I'm not worth it. From what he's told me he was different with other women and his ex's so I think it falls more under not being worth it.

[coolheadal]

I am that guy the perfect dream guy but that's another story! LOL Still in this you knew what you where getting involved with and you now have a kid coming into the picture. This guy thoughtlessness behavior and you just settled for him as he was. Meeting online not the issue here you spoken to him for over 1 year then you met. So you knew him from his mindset, but the other side of him you didn't know that's what your dealing with today. If you didn't have a kid or one coming I would say get out before you loose your mind but you have kid with him so you have to deal with the situation. Try to work things out and make what you can work you both very young so can try. But most of the times you can't change a person behavior to what suits you for that perfect dream guy!

[Maggie4]

I guess you're right. I should just get over the idea of a "perfect match" or "dream guy". They could change at any time.

 

I don't think it would help. It's either his personality or I'm not worth it. From what he's told me he was different with other women and his ex's so I think it falls more under not being worth it.

 

The other women, he was courting them. You, he already won you. He must have been attentive when you were long distance, or you wouldn't have gone for him. There was a honeymoon period, right? It's just that it was long distance, so no candlelight dinners. Anyway, any long term relationship is an ongoing negotiation and compromise.

[hopelessemma]

I am that guy the perfect dream guy but that's another story! LOL Still in this you knew what you where getting involved with and you now have a kid coming into the picture. This guy thoughtlessness behavior and you just settled for him as he was. Meeting online not the issue here you spoken to him for over 1 year then you met. So you knew him from his mindset, but the other side of him you didn't know that's what your dealing with today. If you didn't have a kid or one coming I would say get out before you loose your mind but you have kid with him so you have to deal with the situation. Try to work things out and make what you can work you both very young so can try. But most of the times you can't change a person behavior to what suits you for that perfect dream guy!

 

How do I deal with the situation and be happy? When my baby is sleeping and I have time to think I get pretty upset about it. Feeling that I'm not worth his time or effort. He just turned 29, I don't think there is any hope in his personality changing.

 

The other women, he was courting them. You, he already won you. He must have been attentive when you were long distance, or you wouldn't have gone for him. There was a honeymoon period, right? It's just that it was long distance, so no candlelight dinners. Anyway, any long term relationship is an ongoing negotiation and compromise.

 

He was completely different, or at least it seemed that way. We talked for hours every night on Skype. I had more of his time when we were long distance than I do now. Most of the time if he's spending time with me it's him sitting on the couch with his face glued to his phone.

 

We had a honeymoon phase when we first met in person. I don't know how long it lasted but it was a few months at least. We went to baseball games, zoos, movies, other dates. Both really happy.

 

Whenever we drive by this one fancy restaurant he always says that he took his ex their for their anniversary each year. I don't know why he tells me that but I don't like it. Before we met (and occasionally now) he always talked about the things he use to do for girlfriends or female friends. For example, he said he loved giving foot massages and that he did all the time for his close female friends and girlfriends. But even when I was pregnant and had feet so sore I couldn't walk and only rubbing them helped, he wouldn't. It's like I'm not worthy of his effort or attention, and I don't know how to be.

 

Is this what all relationships are like?

[basil67]

Eep! I can't stress enough that you should not marry this guy. Marrying the father of your child was something which people used to do and so often it ended badly. You should commit to someone who makes a great partner - not someone who you've found yourself accidentally stuck with.

 

If you're miserable now, it's only going to get worse. Imagine yourself in another 20 years with the same treatment!

 

It breaks my heart that you think it's your fault that this man-child doesn't want to hang out with you. Did he not realise that choosing to have a child means the end of getting to game all day? This guy is 30 and still hasn't grown up. He can't even be arsed to buy you birthday and Christmas gifts.

 

You say he treats you well. But he doesn't even care for your daughter if you need a bath. That's not treating you well at all.

 

No relationship meets 100% of our needs, but your expectations of having a guy who wants to be with you and is thoughtful isn't at all unrealistic. You are selling yourself so short!

 

I'm old enough to be your mother and if I was with you, I'd give you a proverbial good shaking to make yourself come to your senses. And then a big hug. And then I'd help you pack your bags and take you and your daughter home with me.

[basil67]

How do I deal with the situation and be happy? When my baby is sleeping and I have time to think I get pretty upset about it. Feeling that I'm not worth his time or effort. He just turned 29, I don't think there is any hope in his personality changing.

 

 

 

He was completely different, or at least it seemed that way. We talked for hours every night on Skype. I had more of his time when we were long distance than I do now. Most of the time if he's spending time with me it's him sitting on the couch with his face glued to his phone.

 

We had a honeymoon phase when we first met in person. I don't know how long it lasted but it was a few months at least. We went to baseball games, zoos, movies, other dates. Both really happy.

 

Whenever we drive by this one fancy restaurant he always says that he took his ex their for their anniversary each year. I don't know why he tells me that but I don't like it. Before we met (and occasionally now) he always talked about the things he use to do for girlfriends or female friends. For example, he said he loved giving foot massages and that he did all the time for his close female friends and girlfriends. But even when I was pregnant and had feet so sore I couldn't walk and only rubbing them helped, he wouldn't. It's like I'm not worthy of his effort or attention, and I don't know how to be.

 

Is this what all relationships are like?

 

No, he's not going to change. And no, this isn't what all relationships are like. I'm not at all surprised you get sad and depressed when you're on your own - I bet you feel like you've got a 50 ton weight on your shoulders. Stay in this situation and you'll probably end up battling depression before you know it.

 

The way he boasts about how nicely he treated his exes and then does nothing for you just shows that he likes to big-note himself. It's all about showing off and boasting. Have you ever asked him why you haven't seen this side of him since before your daughter was born? I'd love to hear him defend the indefensible.

[coolheadal]

How do I deal with the situation and be happy? When my baby is sleeping and I have time to think I get pretty upset about it. Feeling that I'm not worth his time or effort. He just turned 29, I don't think there is any hope in his personality changing.

 

 

Can't work that way because you are unhappy and also you have child with him. Sure he can't changed because of who he is. Of course you can always leave and be on your own with your child. This is where it gets real. Either you stay unhappy and put up with him or leave with your child and find the dream man you always wanted. Frankly the choice is yours. I myself pulled out last year same thing you going through she's the the dream women I thought she was and she already had child. The child and myself had got along very well it's her mom that pushed me away her behavior wasn't what I had expected it could have worked if she didn't tell so many lies about me to her family. But like you, I got away from her and that life. So with you got to decide if you want to stay with this guy or leave. Remember you have a child together are you ready to deal with your child and yourself without support from him. Of course he would have to support you no matter what by the laws of your land. You would need to get a job or have your family step in and assist you. Lot of factors involved. With me I don't have those issues just me and I am free. You have child to think about. But you have to think about yourself also.

Edited February 15, 2016 by coolheadal

[hopelessemma]

Eep! I can't stress enough that you should not marry this guy. Marrying the father of your child was something which people used to do and so often it ended badly. You should commit to someone who makes a great partner - not someone who you've found yourself accidentally stuck with.

 

If you're miserable now, it's only going to get worse. Imagine yourself in another 20 years with the same treatment!

 

It breaks my heart that you think it's your fault that this man-child doesn't want to hang out with you. Did he not realise that choosing to have a child means the end of getting to game all day? This guy is 30 and still hasn't grown up. He can't even be arsed to buy you birthday and Christmas gifts.

 

You say he treats you well. But he doesn't even care for your daughter if you need a bath. That's not treating you well at all.

 

No relationship meets 100% of our needs, but your expectations of having a guy who wants to be with you and is thoughtful isn't at all unrealistic. You are selling yourself so short!

 

I'm old enough to be your mother and if I was with you, I'd give you a proverbial good shaking to make yourself come to your senses. And then a big hug. And then I'd help you pack your bags and take you and your daughter home with me.

 

I have people around me telling me that I have to marry him because we have a baby. I don't know if he'd even propose... He thinks engagement rings and weddings are a waste of money.

 

A downfall to breaking up is that I'd lose time with my daughter. I can't imagine being away from her half the time. He said he'd want custody if we ever broke up.

 

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not interesting or fun enough. I don't know how to be. He doesn't listen when I talk to him, I can repeat the same thing 3x and he doesn't respond. He says he'd respond if I had something interesting to say.

 

I don't have anyone to talk to or standing behind me. My mom died when I was little and I don't have any close family.

 

No, he's not going to change. And no, this isn't what all relationships are like. I'm not at all surprised you get sad and depressed when you're on your own - I bet you feel like you've got a 50 ton weight on your shoulders. Stay in this situation and you'll probably end up battling depression before you know it.

 

The way he boasts about how nicely he treated his exes and then does nothing for you just shows that he likes to big-note himself. It's all about showing off and boasting. Have you ever asked him why you haven't seen this side of him since before your daughter was born? I'd love to hear him defend the indefensible.

 

I have before and he either doesn't say anything or says he isn't "into it" anymore.

[joseb]

OP, no this isn't how relationships are supposed to be.

You sound very unhappy. I don't get the impression that either of you are in love. Rather it's a word you throw out because you are accustomed to the other person being in your life.

 

I think this is the third thread today I've responded to where people spend way too long in a "relationship" with someone they haven't met. It rarely has a happy ending.

 

For you you need to decide if you are ok with bringing your child up alone, possibly with some shared custody.

 

And if you do decide to split up, sorry but for the next few years your "dream guy" will have to wait. You say you did the mature thing having the baby. Well the important part is next, and part of that decision to have the baby means your love life will have to take the back seat for a while.

 

But from what you describe, I think that you would be happier apart....you could try couples counselling if you feel there is real love there to save. I don't really see it though.

[Maggie4]

OP, at first you said he doesn't even want to write his own marriage vows if you got married. The assumption is that you are at that stage of talking about details of the ceremony. That's why I said then you marry, since the child is the much bigger commitment you've already made. Marriage and divorce are pieces of paper. The real commitment is to have the child. You cannot undo a child.

 

He wants custody of the child. Is there reason for him to think he will get it? Have you done anything like drinking or attempt suicide? Are you depressed? He is not being very nice to you. But it seems he is stronger than you and very committed to the child.

 

You have some weaknesses to begin with. Falling in love with someone from online that you haven't met, reveals how much you wanted love. I didn't even know people start online dating that young. He may have been on the rebound from a past relationship.

 

It's a difficult and very important decision you have to make, if you are thinking of leaving him. It involves the life of a third human being, the child. Sorry I cannot make a suggestion to you to leave him based on reading a few paragraphs. The consequences of this action is too great. I can't advise you to make an irreversible decision. I'd hardly call this a dating situation and a question about finding dreamboat.

[basil67]

Real prince you've got there (sarcasm). To be honest, nothing is going to change until you honestly believe you don't deserve this.

 

Ignore those who say you should marry him. While it was foolish to get serious with this guy, marrying him would just compound the problem.

 

He may say that he wants shared custody, but given that he can't even bother caring for your daughter while you have a break - it's hardly likely he will bother.

 

Go get some legal advice.

[CarrieT]

I don't think choosing to have the baby was an immature decision. That was actually a very mature choice. I could have easily aborted the baby and been done with it. But I chose to parent my child. And I love it and I'm a good mother.

 

How is it mature to break up my family for no reason other than to be single for a decade? His father/my boyfriend is older. Early 30's to START looking for a relationship seems late. That's pushing it to have healthy kids/pregnancies.

Here is why I think what you did was immature. And this is verbatim what I have posted before in numerous threads...

 

I didn't have to read beyond the fact that you are 22, but the rest clinched it.

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in).

 

Scientifically, the frontal lobes of your brain are not fully connected until your very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. You don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. You can read a report here.

 

In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed. It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s. Or making MAJOR decisions about one's life until that age.

 

I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. The best thing you can do is either accept that what you want does not jibe with the person you are with and make a change. Or, you two can be frank about the fact that you are both changing into different people and see if you can find ways to keep the relationship intact.

 

If you print out this entire thread, I can guarantee that by your 30th birthday, you will look back on what I have written and said, "Yep, she was right." The problem now is you have a family that is not a happy one and your child will see the discontent and learn from it.

[hopelessemma]

OP, no this isn't how relationships are supposed to be.

You sound very unhappy. I don't get the impression that either of you are in love. Rather it's a word you throw out because you are accustomed to the other person being in your life.

 

I think this is the third thread today I've responded to where people spend way too long in a "relationship" with someone they haven't met. It rarely has a happy ending.

 

For you you need to decide if you are ok with bringing your child up alone, possibly with some shared custody.

 

And if you do decide to split up, sorry but for the next few years your "dream guy" will have to wait. You say you did the mature thing having the baby. Well the important part is next, and part of that decision to have the baby means your love life will have to take the back seat for a while.

 

But from what you describe, I think that you would be happier apart....you could try couples counselling if you feel there is real love there to save. I don't really see it though.

 

It's hard for me to know that it's not how relationships are supposed to be because I haven't had a great relationship in the past. Sometimes I feel like I love him the way I love friends or family, not how you it should feel when you're in love. But maybe it's because we aren't in the honeymoon period anymore.

 

If I had to do it again or was advising a friend I would tell them not to do it (a long term relationship online). It's not something I'd every do again.

 

He has said that he would want shared custody.

 

I wouldn't break up with him and expect to jump right into another relationship. Obviously I don't know what to look for. And I would not be okay introducing a bunch of men to my daughter. Between her and university I wouldn't have time for dating around. That's okay.

 

OP, at first you said he doesn't even want to write his own marriage vows if you got married. The assumption is that you are at that stage of talking about details of the ceremony. That's why I said then you marry, since the child is the much bigger commitment you've already made. Marriage and divorce are pieces of paper. The real commitment is to have the child. You cannot undo a child.

 

He wants custody of the child. Is there reason for him to think he will get it? Have you done anything like drinking or attempt suicide? Are you depressed? He is not being very nice to you. But it seems he is stronger than you and very committed to the child.

 

You have some weaknesses to begin with. Falling in love with someone from online that you haven't met, reveals how much you wanted love. I didn't even know people start online dating that young. He may have been on the rebound from a past relationship.

 

It's a difficult and very important decision you have to make, if you are thinking of leaving him. It involves the life of a third human being, the child. Sorry I cannot make a suggestion to you to leave him based on reading a few paragraphs. The consequences of this action is too great. I can't advise you to make an irreversible decision. I'd hardly call this a dating situation and a question about finding dreamboat.

 

The talk about marriage vows has come up a few times when watching a show that had a wedding and at the 2 friends weddings we went to (who both wrote their own vows). He is completely against doing his own, he would just want to use the standard ones.

 

To me, marriage is a big deal. Of course a child is as well, I wouldn't go around having kids with everyone. But I only want to be married once.

 

We live in Canada, he is completely entitled to 50/50 custody. I don't think he would be granted full custody, there is no reason. I don't drink at all, don't ever smoke and never do drugs. I've never attempted suicide or anything. I don't think I'm depressed, sometimes I feel like I am but I think it's just being upset sometimes. I function like a normal person.

 

I don't know how to make a decision. If I choose to leave the relationship then there is no going back from that. I don't want to hurt my daughter and want her to have the best life possible. It's not a great relationship but it's not like he is physically abusive or anything.

[hopelessemma]

Here is why I think what you did was immature. And this is verbatim what I have posted before in numerous threads...

 

I didn't have to read beyond the fact that you are 22, but the rest clinched it.

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in).

 

Scientifically, the frontal lobes of your brain are not fully connected until your very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. You don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. You can read a report here.

 

In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed. It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s. Or making MAJOR decisions about one's life until that age.

 

I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. The best thing you can do is either accept that what you want does not jibe with the person you are with and make a change. Or, you two can be frank about the fact that you are both changing into different people and see if you can find ways to keep the relationship intact.

 

If you print out this entire thread, I can guarantee that by your 30th birthday, you will look back on what I have written and said, "Yep, she was right." The problem now is you have a family that is not a happy one and your child will see the discontent and learn from it.

 

Most researchers agree the brain finishes developing around 25, not the late twenties. Some say earlier some say later but 25 is the average opinion. Even the article says "Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s".

[CarrieT]

Most researchers agree the brain finishes developing around 25, not the late twenties. Some say earlier some say later but 25 is the average opinion. Even the article says "Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s".

 

Again, you are 22. Not even mid-20s so we are splitting hairs here...

 

You are unhappy and not in a healthy relationship. That is a fact. Many here are heartily suggesting you do not marry this person, but you are wanting to fight for it and I am not sure why.

[d0nnivain]

You made a lot of bad decisions here. And no I don't agree with you that having & keeping your child was the more mature decision. Your relationship was not healthy but you selfishly chose to expose a child to it & now you have to deal with the consequences. Adoption would have been the more mature choice. Actually not getting pregnant in the 1st instance would have been preferable.

 

 

If you want to keep your family together you need to talk to your BF. You aren't trying to change his personality. You are trying to change his behavior: Him buying you presents for Christmas, Valentine's Day & your birthday is not a personality thing. It's an action & can be changed. You accepted this bad behavior & now he thinks its OK. My husband is not sentimental but I need to celebrate holidays & explained that to him. For example for Valentine's Day I expect a card & a heart shaped box of chocolate. That's it. No jewelry, no flowers & no going out to eat. In fact I hate going out to eat on Valentine's Day because it's so crowded & overpriced. DH didn't really understand my emotional attachment to celebrating Valentine's Day & his personality is stoic, but his actions, getting me the card & chocolate make me happy.

 

 

So talk to your baby daddy & tell him what you are feeling. Encourage him to run with you or at least exercise for his own health. You want him to be around as your child grows up. Again, exercise & eating right are actions not personality traits.

 

 

Do get some IC & encourage him to go to MC with you. If you are going to fix this, you both have to work at it. Unless he is willing to meet you half way. it can't be fixed. You have to do your part & give up on the idea that there is a "dream guy" out there. The time to pursue that fantasy was before you had a kid.

 

 

Whatever you do, until you figure this out, don't have more kids with this guy.

[Maggie4]

I read your other posts and you sound like a level headed person, reasonable, not impulsive. You are idealistic. Life can be tough for a young unwed mother. You know full well what it takes to care for a child. You need someone to watch her just so you can go take a shower. You will need support, friends, family, if you go to school/work.

The baby was not the result of you sleeping around having one night stands and got pregnant. At the other extreme are couples who married and planned for the child but the marriage eventually failed. You are sort of in between, but still an unwed mother.

It's not easy, and you alone walk in your shoes and deal with the consequences. Too bad there was no one to advice you to leave him before you got pregnant. Like I said, this is no longer dating. Try seeking advice in the family category, different demographics.

[hopelessemma]

Again, you are 22. Not even mid-20s so we are splitting hairs here...

 

You are unhappy and not in a healthy relationship. That is a fact. Many here are heartily suggesting you do not marry this person, but you are wanting to fight for it and I am not sure why.

 

Because it's my family. I want the "perfect family" were the mom and dad are together and happy. I have never wanted my daughter to be from a broken home and never know what it's like to have her parents together. I didn't have my parents together.

 

You made a lot of bad decisions here. And no I don't agree with you that having & keeping your child was the more mature decision. Your relationship was not healthy but you selfishly chose to expose a child to it & now you have to deal with the consequences. Adoption would have been the more mature choice. Actually not getting pregnant in the 1st instance would have been preferable.

 

If you want to keep your family together you need to talk to your BF. You aren't trying to change his personality. You are trying to change his behavior: Him buying you presents for Christmas, Valentine's Day & your birthday is not a personality thing. It's an action & can be changed. You accepted this bad behavior & now he thinks its OK. My husband is not sentimental but I need to celebrate holidays & explained that to him. For example for Valentine's Day I expect a card & a heart shaped box of chocolate. That's it. No jewelry, no flowers & no going out to eat. In fact I hate going out to eat on Valentine's Day because it's so crowded & overpriced. DH didn't really understand my emotional attachment to celebrating Valentine's Day & his personality is stoic, but his actions, getting me the card & chocolate make me happy.

 

So talk to your baby daddy & tell him what you are feeling. Encourage him to run with you or at least exercise for his own health. You want him to be around as your child grows up. Again, exercise & eating right are actions not personality traits.

 

Do get some IC & encourage him to go to MC with you. If you are going to fix this, you both have to work at it. Unless he is willing to meet you half way. it can't be fixed. You have to do your part & give up on the idea that there is a "dream guy" out there. The time to pursue that fantasy was before you had a kid.

 

Whatever you do, until you figure this out, don't have more kids with this guy.

 

So choosing to murder a baby would have been a more mature decision? I gave her the chance to live. Or choosing to walk away from her would have been mature? I didn't get pregnant on purpose and I was on birth control (which I used correctly). I asked my BF about adoption when I was pregnant and he said a definite no to that. He did want me to have an abortion though, he said we weren't ready.

 

I don't know how to talk to him and make him understand... I HAVE told him that I want to spend more time with him and how happy it would make me if he put some romance into the relationship. But he blows it off. I don't care about presents, I don't need them. But I just want a bit of effort on those special days. Like a date, or a card, or some other small gesture.

 

I have and IUD and we use condoms, I better not get pregnant.