Truly My Own Worst Enemy. Can you be too old to date?

[loveweary11]

LW, what do you want: do you want a relationship or do you want a series of hot looking conquest?

 

 

I don't know what I want.

 

 

People meet and fall in love at all ages. But then, their criteria is more likely the bond they have with someone than something secondary such as their hairline or body fat ratios. This doesn't mean they aren't attracted to each other. Attraction, for many people, is about more than societally-defined standards of beauty.

 

 

An important point... I do nothing by society's standards or rules. I go by my personal standards of beauty.

 

 

But, if what you enjoy most is casual sex with a lot of hot younger women, then yes, your capacity to get that (without having to pay for it) will diminish with age. Not because of looks (older men can be quite dashing) but because 20 somethings tend to be attracted to people who are closer to their age +10 to 15 years.

 

 

I'm bored of the hookups too. But... those 20 somethings will be 30 somethings later on and still the same people, so that's ok. You can't just keep going younger and younger. That gets a little weird imo. It would still be the same generation. We would all just be older i guess?

 

 

What'll happen, however, if you meet the perfect hot woman tomorrow and fall and love is that the two of you will age together. And the bond you have will be more important than your appearance or hers. Well, for most people. You've written a lot here about how your mate's physical appearance is highly important to you. Do you think you could fall in love and grow old with someone and accept that both your bodies are going to age?

 

Adding: aging is about more than looks. I really don't understand why people are so afraid of it. Personally, I like who I am now a lot. I honestly think I'm more attractive now, turning 40, than I was in my 20s.

 

Yeah, I was in the middle of that whole growing old together thing a few years back. It didn't work out. Oncein love, I'm in love for good. Makes no difference if they were suddenly a bed ridden paraplegic. I stand by those I love and always have.

 

But... it starts off with looks/personality.

[losangelena]

I don't know what to tell you, LW. You sound ambivalent (which is also a sign of depression, lol), and it's almost impossible to move forward when you're ambivalent about something.

[MidwestUSA]

Wow... you were really, really forcing it. Was it easy to attract people as you aged?

 

 

Very easy. I'd still be pulling them in if I needed to. I had many, many more interested in me than I in them.

[BlueIris]

...

 

If I were to take a break from looking for relationships, is there a point where an old, wrinkly man won't be able to attract someone anymore?

 

Do I have a clock I need to deal with here, or can I be confident I can always attract women?

...

Is this ability going to run out at some point on me, leaving me alone?

...

 

Being old and wrinkly doesn't matter to some people. For them, personality and intellectual and emotional simpatico are so much more important. In fact, lots of people become more interesting and enjoyable as they age and become more attractive. A 50 or 60- something guy who is relaxed, happy, fun and interesting is very attractive to many women, wrinkles and all. I don’t know if your confidence will wane as you age. It depends upon what you value and appreciate about yourself and others.

[serial muse]

An important point... I do nothing by society's standards or rules. I go by my personal standards of beauty.

 

Ok, I'm extremely puzzled that you would say this about yourself. In all honesty, I do not have that impression at all, from any of the threads you've started or posts you've made on the subject of looks. You may not want to hear this, but perhaps you should: There is a LOT of emphasis on conventional standards of beauty in your posts, you definitely make a point of mentioning whether a person you're having sex with/dating is "hot" - and that includes your ex-wife - and you have frequently complained that women you might find appealing, personality-wise, are not sufficiently beautiful/hot. And the women you describe are totally conventionally pretty - thin, model types who do yoga or whatever. And it's not just that that's who you want to date - you also seem to need for people to know that you're dating/sleeping with them. Which is not the behavior of a guy who doesn't care about what other people think of him.

 

I'm not saying this to strike out at you. But I think this is an interesting internal clash you seem to have - on the one hand, you're really invested in the idea that you're an iconoclast who doesn't play by society's rules, and I guess you're saying now that this includes its ideas of beauty. But on the other...well, you've even admitted in previous threads that when it comes to looks, you're shallow. And pretty much all of your threads confirm this. Which is fine, it's not a crime, but you seem really at war with yourself over it.

 

It makes me wonder how well you really know yourself, or what this conflict is really about. And I suspect that this is exactly the sort of thing you don't want to hear, because it also seems like you're pretty invested in the idea that people don't "get" you, and that you're not like other people and so it's impossible for you to be conventional. But is that true, or are we just seeing something you'd just rather wasn't seen? I suspect that the issue is that there's a big disconnect between how you want to be perceived and how you are perceived - but that perception necessarily comes, at least on LS, precisely from how you talk about yourself. And yes, your posts do reveal a very conventional side, much as you might abhor it. So I wonder, as I said, how much you listen to what you say.

 

Perhaps that's what Imajerk was driving at. So perhaps I'll be on ignore now, too. But since you keep coming back here, perhaps you do secretly want to hear some more challenging thoughts, something to get you out of the rut that it seems you've been in for some time?

Edited February 19, 2016 by serial muse

[loveweary11]

Serial Muse: It's soooo simple. I can sum it up in a couple sentences.

 

Certain women make my heart skip a beat because of how their eyes look. They also make my penis get all excited. lol That's due to how in shape and muscular they are (natural muscles, not body builders... yoga muscles). Out of shape women don't provide any sort of spark for me. The more petite they are the stronger the spark.

 

These are the women I'm attracted to.

 

It's nowhere near as complicated as having anything to do with society and definitions of beauty. I go by primal instinct.

 

I go by what I find hot and mention it here because it's relevant information.

 

On any forum... love shack or the crochet forum... the more background information you give, the better and more helpful the responses.

Edited February 19, 2016 by loveweary11

[loveweary11]

What I'm at war with internally....

 

Is if I want someone right now, if I want to change my life for anyone, what path in life is right.

 

Up until a few years ago, none of this was an issue, as I was happily married, growing old with someone.

 

Now, all of these things have to have thought put in.

 

And of course you wouldn't make the ignore list.

 

Don't you see the difference between a post with challenges and alternate ideas vs a post that falsely accuses someone of never traveling, bragging and being a liar?

 

World of difference. The latter is know as a "personal attack" on the interwebs and I'm not one to tolerate those. I fight back. (Or ignore)

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't think that people can get too old to date. A typical dating style for college kids and 21 year old clubbers probably does get outgrown pretty quickly for most people though. Maybe it's time to make some adjustments?

[loveweary11]

I don't know what to tell you, LW. You sound ambivalent (which is also a sign of depression, lol), and it's almost impossible to move forward when you're ambivalent about something.

 

 

 

Cornholio: Isn't that also a sign of being a GenXer? (note that Cornholio of all people should understand this...lol)

 

I've been ambivalent and not easily impressed my whole life.

 

Plus, I'm a jaded NYer.

 

Nothing impresses me.

 

That includes dating at this point too.

 

I'm deriving some satisfaction from starring to do interior work on the boat though. I also love teal colored salt water/oceans, nature, dolphins, uninhabited islands. These things impress and excite me.

[Summer3]

Cornholio: Isn't that also a sign of being a GenXer? (note that Cornholio of all people should understand this...lol)

 

I've been ambivalent and not easily impressed my whole life.

 

Plus, I'm a jaded NYer.

 

Nothing impresses me.

 

That includes dating at this point too.

 

I'm deriving some satisfaction from starring to do interior work on the boat though. I also love teal colored salt water/oceans, nature, dolphins, uninhabited islands. These things impress and excite me.

 

LW you are a strange mixture of a person IMO. Part of you sounds like this cool, edgy, sharp Gen x'er who sees how pathological society has become and wants to run his own life and live in a world of travel, art and stimulation.

 

But then...

 

There is the guy who wants to die because Barbie gets to have hips and a butt like most of us girls have.

 

Those two LW's need to fight it out.

[loveweary11]

LW you are a strange mixture of a person IMO. Part of you sounds like this cool, edgy, sharp Gen x'er who sees how pathological society has become and wants to run his own life and live in a world of travel, art and stimulation.

 

But then...

 

There is the guy who wants to die because Barbie gets to have hips and a butt like most of us girls have.

 

Those two LW's need to fight it out.

 

That's me. As much as serial muse says I'm totally normal, I have to disagree. lol

 

I am person #1 who has set my life up exactly as you describe.

 

But... If they made ken or GI Joe look like a guy from the Big Bang theory, I'd have posted the same. I'm a huge believer of people staying in shape... which oddly ties right in to the first "me" you picked up on.

 

Bad food, Starbucks and the 9-5 are what tend to make people heavy.

 

I'm very anti all of that.

[Summer3]

That's me. As much as serial muse says I'm totally normal, I have to disagree. lol

 

I am person #1 who has set my life up exactly as you describe.

 

But... If they made ken or GI Joe look like a guy from the Big Bang theory, I'd have posted the same. I'm a huge believer of people staying in shape... which oddly ties right in to the first "me" you picked up on.

 

Bad food, Starbucks and the 9-5 are what tend to make people heavy.

 

I'm very anti all of that.

 

I understand. I just joined MyFitnessPal to food journal for the first time in my life. I'm probably in better shape than most women in their 20's but I still have hips and a butt. You may not like that on a woman which is fine but A LOT of men do. From your other thread you seem to hate women with healthy curves but maybe I just read the thread wrong. This is cyber stuff and has it's flaws. It's hard to understand what someone really means without listening to their voice and watching their body language.

 

In any case, you seem to be saturated with female attention which must be nice. Maybe you're expecting too much from women. IDK. I'm just guessing.

[loveweary11]

I understand. I just joined MyFitnessPal to food journal for the first time in my life. I'm probably in better shape than most women in their 20's but I still have hips and a butt. You may not like that on a woman which is fine but A LOT of men do. From your other thread you seem to hate women with healthy curves but maybe I just read the thread wrong. This is cyber stuff and has it's flaws. It's hard to understand what someone really means without listening to their voice and watching their body language.

 

In any case, you seem to be saturated with female attention which must be nice. Maybe you're expecting too much from women. IDK. I'm just guessing.

 

Yes, it's a trend. A media/Kardashian driven trend.

 

Perfectly fine girls, due to this trend and media influence, pile down calories and do squats, get fake butt implants, etc... altering their bodies to Keep up With the Kardashians. (I'm pretty much the opposite of them)

 

I'm against that media driven trend and would prefer to see the normal, natural, biologically driven variety of shapes out there.

 

I've seen several of the ones that are perfect for me(as described above) go and change their bodies to gain weight/mass based on this trend, thus becoming unattractive when they started out hotter than the sun. So it does hit home.

 

That thread was about the trend, not the doll, though very few figured that out.

 

I remember one of them continually saying I get off looking at dolls.

[xxoo]

Wow... you were really, really forcing it. Was it easy to attract people as you aged?

 

I have a pretty easy time with that now, but it's already fading. I figure looks and personality combine to result in overall attractiveness.

 

I guess I'm wondering... if my looks are fading from age, will it have been a huge mistake to wait years to consider becoming involved with someone on a meaningful level?

 

Will the already lousy pool of potentials get even smaller because I waited?

 

I guess you were ok. It worked fine for you.

 

Others have said so as well in this thread.

 

The best possible scenario:

 

Your looks will fade. Everyone's looks fade.

 

You'll realize that you are still likable, lovable, worthy and sexually attractive even though your looks have faded.

 

You'll realize that others are likable, lovable, worthy and sexually attractive even though their looks have faded.

 

You'll fall in love with someone whose looks have also faded and live happily ever after.

[BlueIris]

That's me. As much as serial muse says I'm totally normal, I have to disagree. lol

 

I am person #1 who has set my life up exactly as you describe.

 

This reminded me a little of something. Once I said to someone that he was normal, like all the rest of us, thinking that that would comfort him and he wouldn’t feel so isolated. But he snapped up and got very upset, saw it as an insult. You do seem averse to the idea that you’re like other people- maybe even invested in being different or better, which can be self-isolating, self-alienating. I’m wondering… Have you ever worked with a psychologist? Maybe consider shelving the dating for a year or two and committing to fearless self-examination and really dig into the root of what's going on.

[losangelena]

Those two LW's need to fight it out.

 

Exactly.

 

No offense, LW, your posts generally sound like you're someone who is having a hard time reconciling different parts of himself.

 

I think you know this, but ambivalence doesn't have anything to do with being jaded. Ambivalence is holding two opposing feelings about something. You sound VERY ambivalent about relationships. You want one, but it's too much work. You want to be understood, but you're only willing to bang these super-hot, shallow women. You're trying to follow two disparate sets of values, authentic you and the one you want to portray to the world. Hence, the tension.

 

I don't see a maverick when you describe yourself. I see someone who's trying desperately to be "different" because that's where a measure of worth comes from. Well, no human is THAT different from another. And there is nothing wrong with that.

[loveweary11]

This reminded me a little of something. Once I said to someone that he was normal, like all the rest of us, thinking that that would comfort him and he wouldn’t feel so isolated. But he snapped up and got very upset, saw it as an insult. You do seem averse to the idea that you’re like other people- maybe even invested in being different or better, which can be self-isolating, self-alienating. I’m wondering… Have you ever worked with a psychologist? Maybe consider shelving the dating for a year or two and committing to fearless self-examination and really dig into the root of what's going on.

 

Lol

 

Why would i try to change who i am?

 

I've been the same person my whole life. What the hell do i need a psychologist for?

 

I did in fact go to one immediately after i got divorced because i was in that fog..

 

Had 2 sessions and they told me to get lost.

 

Said I'm perfectly well adjusted and just needed to go through the grieving process.

 

I have no clue what you people are talking about regarding mental health. I'm at least as stable as any of the people here...

[loveweary11]

Exactly.

 

No offense, LW, your posts generally sound like you're someone who is having a hard time reconciling different parts of himself.

 

I think you know this, but ambivalence doesn't have anything to do with being jaded. Ambivalence is holding two opposing feelings about something. You sound VERY ambivalent about relationships. You want one, but it's too much work. You want to be understood, but you're only willing to bang these super-hot, shallow women. You're trying to follow two disparate sets of values, authentic you and the one you want to portray to the world. Hence, the tension.

 

I don't see a maverick when you describe yourself. I see someone who's trying desperately to be "different" because that's where a measure of worth comes from. Well, no human is THAT different from another. And there is nothing wrong with that.

 

 

 

You're sooooo close!

 

I'm someone coming to terms with being myself and only myself after 12 years of being half of a different whole.

 

This takes some self exploration, some trial and error and some mistakes.

 

Who I am, amazingly, Summer has figured out exactly, while everyone else struggles to try to fit me into their box.

 

I do not live a conventional life. Period. That make me somewhat different. You all still only know about half of it. Did I ever mention I lived for 2 years at sea without using money at all? As an experiment? That the ex and i foraged, fished and trapped our food while traveling and sailing for free? There is sooo much you'll never know.

 

Yet, you make wild assumptions based on a tiny bit of information.

 

You have t exactly backwards though. I am what you are calling what i portray to the world. I portray a fake front of not being so different in order to fit in when in social situations. You have it 100% backwards.

 

I dress up in my costume (fashionable clothing) to go mingle with the regular folks. To look a certain way for them. Talk about modern trends. Etc...

 

This is not who I am. This is who i pretend to be for the sake of making life easier amd not having to explain everything to everyone,

 

 

Look at this thread ... one single person understands me. One.

 

The rest can't fathom it.

 

This happens constantly, which is why i put a fake front on when dealing with people. The real me, the one summer sees, is hidden.

[BlueIris]

Lol

 

Why would i try to change who i am?

 

I've been the same person my whole life. What the hell do i need a psychologist for?

 

I did in fact go to one immediately after i got divorced because i was in that fog..

 

Had 2 sessions and they told me to get lost.

 

Said I'm perfectly well adjusted and just needed to go through the grieving process.

 

I have no clue what you people are talking about regarding mental health. I'm at least as stable as any of the people here...

 

It’s a great process, very helpful in understanding oneself and making intentional changes or shifts. Your initial statement (“Truly My Own Worst Enemy”) and posting history about emptiness, disconnection and distress seem like good material for examination. But lots of folks don’t like the process or have no interest in it. To each his own.

[xxoo]

That's me. As much as serial muse says I'm totally normal, I have to disagree. lol

 

I am person #1 who has set my life up exactly as you describe.

 

But... If they made ken or GI Joe look like a guy from the Big Bang theory, I'd have posted the same. I'm a huge believer of people staying in shape... which oddly ties right in to the first "me" you picked up on.

 

Bad food, Starbucks and the 9-5 are what tend to make people heavy.

 

I'm very anti all of that.

 

You should let go of the idea that having flabby thighs and a butt means not in shape. Women can be in shape AND have flabby thighs and big butts. Women are genetically predisposed to store fat in those areas, and that fat is beneficial to women's health and their babies' health.

 

Don't worry, there will always be genetically thin women with firm thighs. But that doesn't mean the ones with flabby thighs are unhealthy, and it certainly doesn't mean they should be shamed.

[Haydn]

Bollocks, forget the boat... Build an aircraft carrier.

 

I bet that would attract the birds.

 

Large hanger deck... `Ding dong` etc..

 

Seriously though, finish the boat and head off to sunnier climes.

 

Change of scenery sounds like the tonic.

[thefooloftheyear]

The idea that everyone has to "fall back to the pack", is utterly ridiculous...

 

So, if you like chasing tight and fit women, now you have reached an age where you have to settle for the typical middle aged woman, so you can be the "good guy" ??

 

No way, Jose...

 

If you think you are a cut above the pack, then surely you can have what you want....Its a big world out there....

 

Now, perhaps you are no longer on the same emotional plane as the ditzy 22 year old party girl with the rockin' bod, so what? Find an older one that fits your criteria...

 

I just think what you are looking for is just not that easy to find.....But its out there....Believe me...

 

TFY

[xxoo]

If you are happy chasing hard bodied hotties, by all means knock yourself out! I'm a bit of a hard body myself, so I am certainly not putting down hard bodies or the appreciation thereof.

 

But if you are miserably obsessed with youth and aging (while aging, nonetheless), it might be wise to try to open the mind a bit and develop a different and possibly happier perspective.

[clia]

Who I am, amazingly, Summer has figured out exactly, while everyone else struggles to try to fit me into their box.

 

I think most people just go by what you post here about yourself. I actually agree with serial muse that it seems like your view of who you are differs from how you portray yourself. And if it is all just a mask so you can fit in....why? Why even do that? Why not be you? Wouldn't that be the best way to find a woman who is compatible with the real you? Based on your posts, you seem to get satisfaction out of believing people are impressed by you. Honestly, I know more about your educational background, work history, clothing, hobbies, travel, sex life, preferences in women, etc. than anyone else on this site! I feel like you are always trying to impress everyone. Why?

 

I do not live a conventional life. Period. That make me somewhat different. You all still only know about half of it. Did I ever mention I lived for 2 years at sea without using money at all? As an experiment? That the ex and i foraged, fished and trapped our food while traveling and sailing for free? There is sooo much you'll never know.

 

Dude, of course you've mentioned it!

 

But how long ago was this? Five, seven, ten years? At a certain point it becomes cool story, bro, but what are you doing now? I also did some cool stuff in my 20s, had a great internship, cool travels, etc., but I really don't focus on that stuff because it's the past. I rarely even think about it, to be honest. Who you are, right now, today, is who you are. And from what you've posted (which I of course assume isn't everything!), you are a guy working 60 hours a week on one business, spending your free time working to finish your boat, living on the unfinished boat (please tell me you have a working bathroom by now ), traveling back and forth between NY and FL a few times a year, going to music festivals or clubs occasionally, and meeting women online. Given that, can you see why people here don't view you as being that unconventional? I just don't see why whenever you are challenged you jump to the conclusion that people are jealous. Of what? Your 80 hour work weeks? (I'm not just talking about ImaJerk, either. You pull out that jealousy card a lot.).

 

Yet, you make wild assumptions based on a tiny bit of information.

 

Fair enough that we all don't know everything about you, but you do post a lot about yourself. People aren't pulling this stuff out of nowhere, and if you notice there is often a fair amount of consensus in your threads. Might be worth thinking about.

 

You have t exactly backwards though. I am what you are calling what i portray to the world. I portray a fake front of not being so different in order to fit in when in social situations. You have it 100% backwards.

 

I dress up in my costume (fashionable clothing) to go mingle with the regular folks. To look a certain way for them. Talk about modern trends. Etc...

 

This is not who I am. This is who i pretend to be for the sake of making life easier amd not having to explain everything to everyone,

 

Why not just be you? Why do you think people can't handle it? Why aren't you off living the life you want to be living?

[Summer3]

If you are happy chasing hard bodied hotties, by all means knock yourself out! I'm a bit of a hard body myself, so I am certainly not putting down hard bodies or the appreciation thereof.

 

But if you are miserably obsessed with youth and aging (while aging, nonetheless), it might be wise to try to open the mind a bit and develop a different and possibly happier perspective.

 

To be fair to LW our culture is obsessed with youth and aging. When I tell someone I'm 47 if they don't look shocked and say "Oh I thought you were like 32." I get pissed off and hate them forever.