Truly My Own Worst Enemy. Can you be too old to date?

February 15, 2016

I started using this amazing new dating app.

It's kind of tinder style, but shows you only people you've crossed paths with in real life. Both people have to "like" each other to talk with each other.

Love it!

So over the past couple days, I attracted an MTV producer and a researcher at Sloan Kettering Cancer Institute, among a few others.

These are the two that really caught my eye and that I've been talking to.

So here's the thing....

I did a fade on both.

I'm lazy. I don't feel like changing my life or even my afternoon to accommodate another person.

After a week of non stop 24/7 female interaction here in nyc, plus these new ones, I am really, REALLY looking forward to returning to my bachelor pad and having alone time.

Is this normal?

I'm tired of dating, tired of people and don't want to give up or change my lifestyle for anyone.

I'm too lazy to go on dates. Was supposed to go on one today with a smoking hot Asian chick from the app/Cancer research center. Faded. Didn't go.

I want someone, sort of, but then again don't.

I'm feeling like hiring a sugar baby might be the best choice because I can end it if I'm not comfortable with the idea of a relationship and doing things for the other person.

I'm damaged goods.

If I were to take a break from looking for relationships, is there a point where an old, wrinkly man won't be able to attract someone anymore?

Do I have a clock I need to deal with here, or can I be confident I can always attract women?

All the women I just attracted on this NY trip were 10-15 years my junior.

Is this ability going to run out at some point on me, leaving me alone?

Is it so bad to even be alone forever, just hooking up when you get the urge, which is less and less as you age anyway?

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 15, 2016

Well I'd say this thread reads to me like more humblebrag (gratuitous details about how young and amazing these women are, which I say good for you but besides the point). But then I feel it would be making fun of someone when they are down, so I will stay away from that.

You seem to like the idea of something more than the actual thing itself. Making contact w women via dating apps is fun and self-validating, meeting up w said women to see if there is really a connection and risk rejection in the process is scary, so you flake. Maybe something similar could be said about your boat (you've been working on that thing for years but are you taking trips in it yet? *Any* travel to another country lately while we are on the topic?).

Until you get a handle on this I don't see how you could be ready to date.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Imajerk17

February 15, 2016

It isn't about being too old. You've said more than once that you're burnt out, and you sound depressed. If you want a relationship at some point, you will probably have to make some compromises - instead of expecting a woman to adjust her life completely to fit yours.

I don't agree with the whole sugar baby thing, but from previous posts, it seems like that was the arrangement you had with some of them, anyway.

February 15, 2016

Is it so bad to even be alone forever, just hooking up when you get the urge, which is less and less as you age anyway?

It's a lot better than being trapped in a relationship you don't want to be in.

Just chill. Don't worry about it so much. In a few years, if you find that you feel differently and crave companionship and a relationship, you can date. People date into their golden years!

February 15, 2016

Relationships require maintenance and I think we can reach a point where we become so accustomed to being alone that we're not willing to make the sacrifice anymore. I think when we're young, we don't think that far ahead, or it's just not a factor. But as we get older, we know the drill and learn to take pause before going down that path again.

I don't really know what the solution is. I think part of the problem is a lot of irrational behaviors, entitled attitudes, mental instability, drugs, etc from a lot of people who just don't have a concept of what it means to get along in a relationship. Because of the large amount of deranged behavior, I choose to stay out of relationships.

February 15, 2016

I started using this amazing new dating app.

It's kind of tinder style, but shows you only people you've crossed paths with in real life. Both people have to "like" each other to talk with each other.

Love it!

So over the past couple days, I attracted an MTV producer and a researcher at Sloan Kettering Cancer Institute, among a few others.

These are the two that really caught my eye and that I've been talking to.

So here's the thing....

I did a fade on both.

I'm lazy. I don't feel like changing my life or even my afternoon to accommodate another person.

After a week of non stop 24/7 female interaction here in nyc, plus these new ones, I am really, REALLY looking forward to returning to my bachelor pad and having alone time.

Is this normal?

I'm tired of dating, tired of people and don't want to give up or change my lifestyle for anyone.

I'm too lazy to go on dates. Was supposed to go on one today with a smoking hot Asian chick from the app/Cancer research center. Faded. Didn't go.

I want someone, sort of, but then again don't.

I'm feeling like hiring a sugar baby might be the best choice because I can end it if I'm not comfortable with the idea of a relationship and doing things for the other person.

I'm damaged goods.

If I were to take a break from looking for relationships, is there a point where an old, wrinkly man won't be able to attract someone anymore?

Do I have a clock I need to deal with here, or can I be confident I can always attract women?

All the women I just attracted on this NY trip were 10-15 years my junior.

Is this ability going to run out at some point on me, leaving me alone?

Is it so bad to even be alone forever, just hooking up when you get the urge, which is less and less as you age anyway?

Nah, there isn't an expiration date on you, bro. I'm in my 50's and just recently a 22 year old girl, who's Tinder profile described herself as wanting to have 'some fun' recently liked me back. And, I'm totally truthful in my profile concerning my age and likes. But I faded on her because i'm just too lazy to hit the message button, and for many of the same reasons you state. My advise is to cool it for a while and recharge your batteries. Once the energy builds back up you'll find your motivation

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 15, 2016

If I were to take a break from looking for relationships, is there a point where an old, wrinkly man won't be able to attract someone anymore?

Lots of young women go out with much older men. Maybe it's a father figure thing or something. Men are lucky in that respect.

February 15, 2016

Lots of young women go out with much older men. Maybe it's a father figure thing or something. Men are lucky in that respect.

There's always going to be someone who likes you. ..even when you get older. You won't be very likely to attract the hot superfit women you like now though , unless you have more to offer...such as cash.

Take a break rather than fading and standing women up. It hits their self esteem when you do that.

February 15, 2016

To accept aging gracefully, is a skill ! Its never too late to find love. But it can be late to accept that your issues and level of acceptance of others perceived 'baggage ' ( not forgetting yours).Maturity doesnt come with age. Date within acceptable age range to avoid disappointement.

February 15, 2016

I am guessing here but I think it all stems from this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/539755-all-ended-disaster

The yoga chick was the person that centred your world, that somehow grounded you, women came and went, but she was always in the background, always the possibility of a future, only not quite yet...

You finally got around to placing your cards on the table and it didn't work out as you had hoped.

Your long term back up plan is gone, and you are now "all at sea" not knowing which way to go.

One meaningless sexual encounter after another, no-one really knows you, no-one gets you, no-one really cares, all operating in a superficial way, one after the other, and it is why you can't now be bothered. You pitch for younger, "fun" women as you know really getting to know anyone "seriously" involves some emotional investment on your part and the fear of rejection again, paralyses you.

A sb may "centre" you, but by the very nature of her business, and your desire to not get too involved, means she may end up being just another superficial being on the conveyor belt and you are no further forward.

You need a focus and a new goal in your life.

February 15, 2016

To accept aging gracefully, is a skill ! Its never too late to find love. But it can be late to accept that your issues and level of acceptance of others perceived 'baggage ' ( not forgetting yours).Maturity doesnt come with age. Date within acceptable age range to avoid disappointement.

I don't think aging gracefully and living in Western culture go well together. I'm a 47 year old woman and you don't know how much time, effort and money it takes to keep up my level of attraction. Plus, it takes intelligence because too many women my age spend the money in the wrong place and end up looking older. I do everything naturally so I can keep up the youthful facade. It would be nice to just age and be happy with it but unless you live on top of a mountain or are so enlightened you just don't care you'll feel the "age shame." It's kind of sick.

I agree dating in your age range is the best way to go for the most satisfaction.

February 15, 2016

About to board a plane back to warmer weather. Did not enjoy the Polar Vortex!! lol

Before boarding, I just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful posts.

One correction...

I'm not at all depressed. I only get depressed for like an evening once every few months and it's gone by morning.

I'm adrift... not sure what I want in life or women.

Yoga popped back into my life last week, actually. She arrived back in my winter city. Not considering anything meaningful with her though.

I just wish I cared... about anyone.

It's like the magic women used to have in my mind is gone. They all seem ordinary/boring. None jump out as special anymore.

Of course, this is an internal problem.

February 15, 2016

About to board a plane back to warmer weather. Did not enjoy the Polar Vortex!! lol

Before boarding, I just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful posts.

One correction...

I'm not at all depressed. I only get depressed for like an evening once every few months and it's gone by morning.

I'm adrift... not sure what I want in life or women.

Yoga popped back into my life last week, actually. She arrived back in my winter city. Not considering anything meaningful with her though.

I just wish I cared... about anyone.

It's like the magic women used to have in my mind is gone. They all seem ordinary/boring. None jump out as special anymore.

Of course, this is an internal problem.

You might be comparing what you felt in your teens and 20's to how you perceive romance today. I remember when you met someone knew and you felt a connection that made your blood boil and your mind jumped from one topic to the next it was hard to think straight. A hypo-manic euphoric nudge that maybe just maybe your soul mate was right there and life was going to change into something so wondrous it can't be described. I remember that roller coaster of "OMG I'm so in love" mixed with "OMG he didn't call" and then I'd rip up cards and throw away teddy bears in a rage...lol.

I'm not sure that type of romance can be achieved if you have so many girls to choose from. If everyone is jumping from date to date sometimes in the same day you can't possible get to know anyone. If everything is easy nothing is interesting. IDK.

February 15, 2016

Making contact w women via dating apps is fun and self-validating, meeting up w said women to see if there is really a connection and risk rejection in the process is scary, so you flake.

This is really insightful. I think it's a perfect summary of the issue.

February 16, 2016

Really, there is no problem. Where is this pressure to f*ck as many women as possible coming from? You're under no obligation to f*ck all the hot women who show an interest in you. Give yourself permission to take time for yourself every once in awhile.

Meaningless sex is meaningless. It can get exhausting.

And as a woman, I thank you for not making those Happn girls number 3 and 4 on the list of women you f*cked last week.

February 18, 2016

Fwiw, depression can look like a lot of things, it's not always about being sad or not being able to get out of bed. That unmoored feeling can also be depression.

Nothing wrong with it. It's not a weakness.

February 18, 2016

Fwiw, depression can look like a lot of things, it's not always about being sad or not being able to get out of bed. That unmoored feeling can also be depression.

Nothing wrong with it. It's not a weakness.

There's a buzzfeed video on depression. I dont know if we can link it but its pretty good. There's a twist to it.

February 19, 2016

Fwiw, depression can look like a lot of things, it's not always about being sad or not being able to get out of bed. That unmoored feeling can also be depression.

Nothing wrong with it. It's not a weakness.

Cornholio! Too funny.

I don't have depression. I have none of the symptoms and feel as normal as I have all my life.

I just don't have it.

What I do have is a lack of patience for dating when it feels like I'm just going through the motions.

I finally (hopefully) have come to peace with the work I have left on this massive boat project.

I think the burnout has faded. It was a hard road getting divorced mid build, opening a new business and continuing the boat progress. I'd say getting an advanced degree in Physics was much easier, actually.

But....

I noticed katiegirl's post on another thread about science guys. It's the closed thread where EternalSunshine was saying she also isn't feeling anyone. Katiegirl said she dated a science guy and said he wasn't easily relatable emotionally.

I think I've been the same way my entire life.

Was a hardcore science/tech guy, turned entrepreneur, turned lifestyle business type.

Thinking back to every relationship and marriage, I never loved the people at the start of it. I thought they were hot, got into the relationship and then loved them over time.... over years. Love never happened right away. It always developed slowly, taking more than a year normally.

I also think of a magazine quiz my ex wife did on me. The result was:

I have extremely high emotional intelligence, reading and understanding people perfectly, on an emotional level....but.... it also said I don't care about them either!

So... for me, it's a big effort to get into a relationship.

And right now, I don't really feel like putting any more effort into anything. At all. My plate is full with the boat/small business.

No one is going to magically fall from the sky because I don't have work where I meet people and I only go ashore every couple days. Despite Miami Music Week coming up and a full week of going out, I am just not interested in drinking, smoking or trekking through the night to go out right now.

I feel like working on my home (boat) and having a good place to invite people to once I'm back up north this summer.

Even then, I'm not sure I'll be feeling anything for anyone.

In many (all?) of my past courtships, the girl did most of the pursuing early. I was always off in my on world, working on whatever project, not noticing.

Heck, I didn't even return my ex wife's emails for a month. One day she called me and hersexy voice got my attention. A tiny, squeaky little voice...and she was Italian, so I agreed to meet. And she was my physical type.

It took years for me to fall in actual love, even though she moved in relatively quickly.

And each past relationship or marriage came through warm introductions....or school...or being at parties together... or being coworkers.

Online things in the past were always flings (ex wife and I were introduced my mutual acquaintances). Real things sprouted from real life situations. I have removed all real life situations where you see people again and again in a routine.

Life's weird, but I'm not depressed.

I keep bailing on girls because I'm not ready to get involved. Not ready to change my life/time/interests for someone.

February 19, 2016

The answer then is simple: Take time off from "dating" and start it up again if/when you feel motivated to do so. If dating is easy for you now there's no reason it won't be easy for you if/when you come back. You didn't know this already though?

Edited February 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T

February 19, 2016

The answer then is simple: Take time off from "dating" and start it up again if/when you feel motivated to do so. If dating is easy for you now there's no reason it won't be easy for you if/when you come back. You didn't know this already though?

This.

I dated thru most of my forties. I got to the point where I hated it. I wanted to bail on each date at the last minute. I got to the point where I'd slam a few drinks before leaving the house. Once, I had to go vomit before the food even arrived.

I swore off dating, but at 50, the magic happened. So, no, you're never too old to date.

February 19, 2016

This.

I dated thru most of my forties. I got to the point where I hated it. I wanted to bail on each date at the last minute. I got to the point where I'd slam a few drinks before leaving the house. Once, I had to go vomit before the food even arrived.

I swore off dating, but at 50, the magic happened. So, no, you're never too old to date.

Wow... you were really, really forcing it. Was it easy to attract people as you aged?

I have a pretty easy time with that now, but it's already fading. I figure looks and personality combine to result in overall attractiveness.

I guess I'm wondering... if my looks are fading from age, will it have been a huge mistake to wait years to consider becoming involved with someone on a meaningful level?

Will the already lousy pool of potentials get even smaller because I waited?

I guess you were ok. It worked fine for you.

Others have said so as well in this thread.

February 19, 2016

I also think of a magazine quiz my ex wife did on me. The result was:

I have extremely high emotional intelligence, reading and understanding people perfectly, on an emotional level....but.... it also said I don't care about them either!

That speaks volumes. It's hard to fall in love and feel a connection if you have trouble with empathy. Understanding someones pain and empathizing are very different traits. I don't trust people, I've been hurt a lot so I find it easier not to care. It's hard to develop meaningful connections when you're guarded. This may or may not be true for you.

February 19, 2016

LW, what do you want: do you want a relationship or do you want a series of hot looking conquest?

People meet and fall in love at all ages. But then, their criteria is more likely the bond they have with someone than something secondary such as their hairline or body fat ratios. This doesn't mean they aren't attracted to each other. Attraction, for many people, is about more than societally-defined standards of beauty.

But, if what you enjoy most is casual sex with a lot of hot younger women, then yes, your capacity to get that (without having to pay for it) will diminish with age. Not because of looks (older men can be quite dashing) but because 20 somethings tend to be attracted to people who are closer to their age +10 to 15 years.

What'll happen, however, if you meet the perfect hot woman tomorrow and fall and love is that the two of you will age together. And the bond you have will be more important than your appearance or hers. Well, for most people. You've written a lot here about how your mate's physical appearance is highly important to you. Do you think you could fall in love and grow old with someone and accept that both your bodies are going to age?

Adding: aging is about more than looks. I really don't understand why people are so afraid of it. Personally, I like who I am now a lot. I honestly think I'm more attractive now, turning 40, than I was in my 20s.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Kamille

February 19, 2016

I want someone, sort of, but then again don't

You probably need to decide which one it is once and for all, for your own sanity if anything else.

February 19, 2016

That speaks volumes. It's hard to fall in love and feel a connection if you have trouble with empathy. Understanding someones pain and empathizing are very different traits. I don't trust people, I've been hurt a lot so I find it easier not to care. It's hard to develop meaningful connections when you're guarded. This may or may not be true for you.

I think this is accurate.

It's a little thread drift to introduce this, but I just don't naturally feel love until way, way into something.

I got hurt badly by my divorce, but before that, I really hadn't been hurt too much.

Yet, I've been this way my whole life...

Thinking back to high school and college, same thing. Saw girls I thought were hot, went out with them, had long term relationships, then fell in love later.

It seems my empathy is only with individuals I'm with and takes a lot of time to develop, though it's very strong once it does develop.

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