elizabetk Posted February 14, 2016 Posted February 14, 2016 Hi, I will keep this as brief as possible. During the past month and a half I have been dating an incredibly successful, sweet guy who likes me a lot. Our relationship has progressed very quickly and we now see each other as often as possible (sometimes it is hard has we both have demanding jobs but we see each other at least three times a week) and truly enjoy each other's company (both physically and emotionally). He was open and honest with me fairly early, saying he wants me in his life and is certain he wants a relationship (he has been single for two years after having a relationship for 5 years). Although I like him equally as much and he is amazing, I still haven't given him the green light and defined us a couple as it all seemed too early. We jokingly made a bet that I will not last until the end of the month (February) which is rapidly approaching and I am not sure if I should end his torture and label it as a relationship (we are exclusive and have been after our second date, so it would not be any major change so to speak). Many thanks!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I think clarifying where you stand with each other is a good thing. You only need to look around this forum to see how confused people get when they don't know where they stand with the person they are seeing, and aren't communicating what they want. It sounds like a positive step in your relationship. 2
Author elizabetk Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 I think clarifying where you stand with each other is a good thing. You only need to look around this forum to see how confused people get when they don't know where they stand with the person they are seeing, and aren't communicating what they want. It sounds like a positive step in your relationship. Thank you! I suppose my main concern is that labelling it as a relationship in the early stages (although it does feel like a relationship and we are both committed to one another) would be that we might be rushing things before building a stable foundation.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 I understand your concerns, if you don't feel ready yet or you are unsure about him, don't do it. Just remember that officially becoming a couple doesn't mean you have to move in with him or get married. There are no guarantees, it can end just as quickly as it began. Think it over and do whatever you feel comfortable with. 1
Author elizabetk Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 I understand your concerns, if you don't feel ready yet or you are unsure about him, don't do it. Just remember that officially becoming a couple doesn't mean you have to move in with him or get married. There are no guarantees, it can end just as quickly as it began. Think it over and do whatever you feel comfortable with. That's a great point, thank you. I feel ready and completely sure about him, it does seem like there is no reason to drag things further.
candie13 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 it's not calling it a relationship that makes it so. I think you both should focus more on spending time together and having a good time, rather than getting stuck up on defining where exactly you are. It is very hard to be just as involved at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way. Perhaps you should talk to your bf to understand why is this label so important to him - is it because he feels insecure about you or about your feelings? It's just a detail, so just... give both yourselves time. No rush. If things go really well, you'll def get to the "relationship" territory. Sounds like you're still figuring things out, at the moment. It just takes a bit time and patience... 1
Author elizabetk Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 it's not calling it a relationship that makes it so. I think you both should focus more on spending time together and having a good time, rather than getting stuck up on defining where exactly you are. It is very hard to be just as involved at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way. Perhaps you should talk to your bf to understand why is this label so important to him - is it because he feels insecure about you or about your feelings? It's just a detail, so just... give both yourselves time. No rush. If things go really well, you'll def get to the "relationship" territory. Sounds like you're still figuring things out, at the moment. It just takes a bit time and patience... Thanks for bringing up some good points. The matter is, he is not my "bf" yet. :)We have a really balanced thing going on and as we spend a fair amount of time together, it is not hard to see all is screaming couple/relationship loud and clear. I think my insecurities, rather than his are rearing their ugly head (hence why I am delaying things) - there are too many stereotypes we are surrounded by that we at times subconsciously constrain to.
candie13 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Thanks for bringing up some good points. The matter is, he is not my "bf" yet. :)We have a really balanced thing going on and as we spend a fair amount of time together, it is not hard to see all is screaming couple/relationship loud and clear. I think my insecurities, rather than his are rearing their ugly head (hence why I am delaying things) - there are too many stereotypes we are surrounded by that we at times subconsciously constrain to. Well... Why isn't he your bf yet and what are you insecure about?
joseb Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 Well... Why isn't he your bf yet and what are you insecure about? Yeah indeed. Has he said something to make you think you are not an item? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've never in my life had a conversation where we decided, yes, now we are called boyfriend and girlfriend. Well maybe when I was 14. 2
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 The only problem I see here is that he has stated he wants a relationship and by you stalling and ohing and ahing, he may get the impression you do not really want a relationship. He will then put the shutters up and before you know it, you are split up and he is out looking for someone who does want a relationship.
candie13 Posted February 15, 2016 Posted February 15, 2016 The only problem I see here is that he has stated he wants a relationship and by you stalling and ohing and ahing, he may get the impression you do not really want a relationship. He will then put the shutters up and before you know it, you are split up and he is out looking for someone who does want a relationship. there are nuances... I mean, they may be dating because they're into eachother, but they're not in a proper RS - bf / gf territory because they're still figuring things out. It doesn't matter they don't fancy eachother or that the OP doesn't want a RS. It's like... a goal, it's a feeling. While both are making progress towards it, it doesn't quite mean they're there yet. I'd feel pressured, if my date would insist on the label... It's really important to me to be able to make my own decisions and embrace and respect how I'm feeling. IF I don't feel like I'm in a RS, then I'm not. I wouldn't want to fake being in one, even though I'm exclusive with a guy... But I don't know what specifically makes the OP like she's not quite there yet, maybe there are other things, other details. 1
Author elizabetk Posted February 15, 2016 Author Posted February 15, 2016 (edited) there are nuances... I mean, they may be dating because they're into eachother, but they're not in a proper RS - bf / gf territory because they're still figuring things out. It doesn't matter they don't fancy eachother or that the OP doesn't want a RS. It's like... a goal, it's a feeling. While both are making progress towards it, it doesn't quite mean they're there yet. I'd feel pressured, if my date would insist on the label... It's really important to me to be able to make my own decisions and embrace and respect how I'm feeling. IF I don't feel like I'm in a RS, then I'm not. I wouldn't want to fake being in one, even though I'm exclusive with a guy... But I don't know what specifically makes the OP like she's not quite there yet, maybe there are other things, other details. This summarises exactly what I was about to say! Thank you. If there was a thing that could specifically make me not quite certain (although I feel as if I have made up my mind as of today) is that I am not impulsive when it comes to who I fully commit to. Rash decisions are not my thing at all, however I realise that there is nothing holding me back. Also, I had a long term relationship that ended a few months ago and I wanted to be completely sure no bitterness is left. The only problem I see here is that he has stated he wants a relationship and by you stalling and ohing and ahing, he may get the impression you do not really want a relationship. He will then put the shutters up and before you know it, you are split up and he is out looking for someone who does want a relationship. Although what you are saying could be possible in some situations, I believe this is not the case. He is a grown man who has been single during the last couple of years and I know for a fact he was not looking for a relationship before he met me. We have both made a lot of effort to show that the other person matters to us and it really has been a waiting game on my side. The atmosphere around the label "relationship" is very playful too and there is no pressure whatsoever. Edited February 15, 2016 by elizabetk
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